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Original poster

Man I'm seeing has 3 children with 3 different mothers. Red flag?

536 replies

tinderexplorer · 20/12/2022 06:29

I have been on 2 dates with this man. He is 36. He has dropped a bit of a bombshell and I am not sure how to proceed. He has 3 DCs with 3 women. He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them. They are 12, 10 and 6. I did not press him about why the relationships he had with the DCs mums didn't work out. I am now wondering what has gone on with his prior relationships. I also wonder if the DCs were planned or not. I thought there was potential after the first date but not I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

OP posts:
SofiaSoFar · 21/12/2022 12:04

Hearmeout · 20/12/2022 20:10

"baby mamma"

"baby daddy"

Ugghhhhhhhh ....

This!

<cringe>

Sandra1984 · 21/12/2022 13:58

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 12:01

If a woman had 3 kids to 3 men and was bringing them up herself, any sensible man would give her a wide berth because she has poor judgement.

What if you’re Kate Winslet? Or Madonna? Or any woman wealthy enough to raise her 3 kids from different fathers in a happy loving home? Would you as a man still sneer at her?

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 14:02

@Sandra1984 I am a 37 year old female, not a man.

It is not about wealth. It is all about judgement. If a woman has picked 3 men in succession who have all done a runner on AND her children, she is an awful judge of character.

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 14:08

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 14:02

@Sandra1984 I am a 37 year old female, not a man.

It is not about wealth. It is all about judgement. If a woman has picked 3 men in succession who have all done a runner on AND her children, she is an awful judge of character.

But why are you presuming the man has done the runner rather than these women changing as they grow older and no longer wanting to be with that man so taking the decision to leave with her children?

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 14:10

@Ursuladevine 3 times! Well we will have to agree to disagree but in my opinion, her children's right to be brought up in a stable home trumps her right to "find herself with her one true love".

SirMingeALot · 21/12/2022 14:10

The issue of what about if the person was really wealthy has already been discussed in the thread anyway. People who are extremely famous, rich and attractive don't play by the same rules as the rest of us, but that's hardly news is it?

And realistically, any woman in eg Liam Gallagher's dating pool probably doesn't need to worry too much about how he'd afford more DC, whereas for most ordinary people that's going to have to be a practical concern if they want a family.

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 14:11

@Dacadactyl

Would you make that view known if your DD ever found herself in that position?

Sandra1984 · 21/12/2022 14:27

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 14:02

@Sandra1984 I am a 37 year old female, not a man.

It is not about wealth. It is all about judgement. If a woman has picked 3 men in succession who have all done a runner on AND her children, she is an awful judge of character.

How about this is not a case of “failed love”, she just wanted to have children and made an agreement with each father? a bit like going to a sperm bank but for free, and the child gets to have a father in his life. If you can afford it and are able to grow a happy child I don’t see the awfulness In judge of character. I know many women who have done that.

Sandra1984 · 21/12/2022 14:28

Wealthy women I mean.

SofiaSoFar · 21/12/2022 14:56

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 14:11

@Dacadactyl

Would you make that view known if your DD ever found herself in that position?

I don't know about Dacadactyl but I bloody well would!

DD wouldn't put herself in that position, though.

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 14:57

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 14:11

@Dacadactyl

Would you make that view known if your DD ever found herself in that position?

God forbid my child was ever in that situation. But if she was, she would 100% know my opinion (and probably would already be able to guess my thoughts on it now at 15)

NameIsBryceQuinlan · 21/12/2022 14:58

No for me.

The 12 year old and 10 year old age gap is nothing. Huge red flag.

NameIsBryceQuinlan · 21/12/2022 14:58

By not for me I mean a relationship with this man.

It is definitely a red flag.

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 14:59

Sandra1984 · 21/12/2022 14:27

How about this is not a case of “failed love”, she just wanted to have children and made an agreement with each father? a bit like going to a sperm bank but for free, and the child gets to have a father in his life. If you can afford it and are able to grow a happy child I don’t see the awfulness In judge of character. I know many women who have done that.

Show quote history

If i found a father for my child via this method and he was a great father, I certainly wouldn't go hedging my bets on 2 other fathers when I'd already found one who was doing the job well.

And if he's doing a shit job...then my point about her being a poor judge of character stands.

SirMingeALot · 21/12/2022 15:11

Sandra1984 · 21/12/2022 14:27

How about this is not a case of “failed love”, she just wanted to have children and made an agreement with each father? a bit like going to a sperm bank but for free, and the child gets to have a father in his life. If you can afford it and are able to grow a happy child I don’t see the awfulness In judge of character. I know many women who have done that.

Show quote history

You know multiple women who've had a glorified sperm donor arrangement three different times with three separate fathers? And these women are also wealthy?

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 15:29

SofiaSoFar · 21/12/2022 14:56

I don't know about Dacadactyl but I bloody well would!

DD wouldn't put herself in that position, though.

Show quote history

Really? What kind of relationship do you have with your DD?

my dd? Telling her she’s been stupid sis not something I could ever conceive of doing even if she has been. What’s done is done and whilst I would certainly think “oh cricket, this is a circus of drama and not what I wanted for my daughter”, my job as her parent is to support, love and help where I can. No judgement. I’d leave that for society.

however someone’s else’s daughter? I’d think think bloody hell I’m relieved she’s not mine and I don’t have to support her through that shit show!!” 😂

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 15:29

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 14:57

God forbid my child was ever in that situation. But if she was, she would 100% know my opinion (and probably would already be able to guess my thoughts on it now at 15)

Show quote history

Would you support her? Would you repeatedly make your opinion known re how stupid she’d been?

snowballer · 21/12/2022 15:49

Wonder if you're dating our old neighbour. He was perfectly nice but used to make us laugh as he referred to "the Mums". Very amicable with all three of them and they with each other by all accounts...

Nonetheless I would say it is a red flag and you've made the right call!

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 16:15

snowballer · 21/12/2022 15:49

Wonder if you're dating our old neighbour. He was perfectly nice but used to make us laugh as he referred to "the Mums". Very amicable with all three of them and they with each other by all accounts...

Nonetheless I would say it is a red flag and you've made the right call!

What was his financial status that you were aware of?

snowballer · 21/12/2022 16:17

No idea - why?

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 16:44

snowballer · 21/12/2022 16:17

No idea - why?

Because I wonder how ‘amicable’ you would actually see it as being if you knew how much CM they received from him

snowballer · 21/12/2022 17:01

Sorry, I forgot nothing can be amusing on MN - obviously I've inadvertently touched a nerve. I've no idea how much CM the three mothers of my ex-neighbour's children get. Maybe they get loads, maybe/probably they get next to nothing.

As I said, OP was probably right to steer clear. Plenty of men out there without three kids by three different women.

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 17:13

Good grief, someone is feeling stressed! 😂

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 17:13

And it’s not me!

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 17:35

I would be EXTREMELY surprised if my daughter behaved in such a manner. It would not align with the values she has been taught.

She comes from a stable family and this sort of thing would be very surprising. If after 2 kids by 2 men she thought she was going to introduce a 3rd to them, I would honestly think she had some sort of mental disorder.