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Original poster

Man I'm seeing has 3 children with 3 different mothers. Red flag?

536 replies

tinderexplorer · 20/12/2022 06:29

I have been on 2 dates with this man. He is 36. He has dropped a bit of a bombshell and I am not sure how to proceed. He has 3 DCs with 3 women. He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them. They are 12, 10 and 6. I did not press him about why the relationships he had with the DCs mums didn't work out. I am now wondering what has gone on with his prior relationships. I also wonder if the DCs were planned or not. I thought there was potential after the first date but not I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

OP posts:
SirMingeALot · 20/12/2022 15:32

Now the guy you’re dating might not care for his children but don’t tarnish all single dads that way. This guy might actually be a good, full on dad.

Which would also be a deterrent for many potential partners, given the sheer amount of time and effort that would have to go into being a full on dad for 3 DC in 3 different households. And that's the point a lot of us have made. There's no way for a bloke to have 3 different kids with 3 different women that wouldn't make many of us consider him an unsuitable partner.

IneedanewTV · 20/12/2022 16:08

I wouldn’t date anyone that had three kids with three different adults.

why? Just not in my interest to do so. Imagine all those shared holidays, rotating Christmas, being at the beck and call of another adult etc etc. I wouldn’t be their priority for a start.

Tuilpmouse · 20/12/2022 16:58

Hiddenvoice · 20/12/2022 10:37

I’m going to be different from everyone else and encourage you to give him a chance and find out what went wrong before cutting him off.
My friend has 3 dc with 3 different women. The first was born was he was young and dumb- he admits that. The second was born during a happy relationship but the mum later cheated. The third was born when he was engaged to the mum but the relationship sadly fell apart. He is a very responsible father, he has the children 50/50 each week. He attends all school related things and is even leads 2 of their sports clubs. He works hard to provide everything they need. He barely gets a second date because the moment he tells a woman they run a mile without knowing the facts.
Now the guy you’re dating might not care for his children but don’t tarnish all single dads that way. This guy might actually be a good, full on dad.

I'm interested how he organised the practicalities of 50:50 care with three children and three mothers. Unless he somehow manages to coordinate his three exes perfectly, which would be practically impossible, he'd be juggling his children relentlessly, without a free moment... which is fine, but would make an incredibly tough proposition for a relationship!

Moonatics · 20/12/2022 17:14

Marmalade71 · 20/12/2022 08:03

What the fuck is this baby mamma baby daddy shite? Are you all 12?

Yes indeed. Its bloody awful current lingo. It does no favours to either parent.
I wince when I see it but generally keep shtum hoping it'll pass on by sooner.

Hiddenvoice · 20/12/2022 18:34

😂😂 No the first one they were both 18 and admit it was an accident. The second they had planned their wedding when she found out she was pregnant and then admitted she didn’t know who the father was. The third was a long time later and they planned for the baby. It’s an alternative family unit but it works for them and the children are lucky he is their dad.

AcerbicColleague · 20/12/2022 18:58

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 10:08

That does not make sense

You are saying that all the kids in this scenario are similar ages and doing the same sport that the husband coaches?

yeah. Right

Show quote history

Yes, it makes sense. He coaches the teams that his kids are in. There is nothing strange about this. You are being weirdly aggressive about this, why is that?

StephanieSuperpowers · 20/12/2022 19:01

If he's an adequate parent to those poor children, how does he have time to go on any dates for the next 15 years? If he does have time, he is telling lies about having a good relationship with them.

Anyway, have fun OP.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 19:06

AcerbicColleague · 20/12/2022 18:58

Yes, it makes sense. He coaches the teams that his kids are in. There is nothing strange about this. You are being weirdly aggressive about this, why is that?

Show quote history

Because you’re telling me that a man with three children from three different relationships manages to coach teams for all three of his kids and your friend comes along to them all, with their child together too?

so all three do the same sport? Or he coaches three different sports? Oh and he manages to do this every weekend? And your friend comes to watch him coach his children from previous relationships with their child together?

nah

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 19:09

I’m going to take a punt @AcerbicColleague that you don’t have children that play in extracurricular sports teams ie at the weekends?

because if you did - you’d know that this man managing to coach all three of his three children’s sports teams from different relationships and for it all to work with timing and venue …. No chance

Hearmeout · 20/12/2022 20:10

"baby mamma"

"baby daddy"

Ugghhhhhhhh ....

spare123 · 20/12/2022 20:53

NewToWoo · 20/12/2022 15:31

I agree with @LaLuz7 . I know it;s judgemental of me, but bloody hell, take a breath and pause before havuing unprotected sex with wasters. Why should children have such parents inflicted on them? And, bluntly, why should so many women bear the entire burden of financing and raising children while the men bumble off and impregnate elsewhere.

Show quote history

This. FFS women have some pride. Why on earth did women two and three get pregnant to this wastrel?

Zanatdy · 20/12/2022 21:25

It would put me off yes. But depends how you view it. As someone else said it could get very complicated with 3 different mothers to negotiate contact with. At least he see’s the children I guess. I’d probably leave it at the 2 dates and find someone else personally.

JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 22:30

Hearmeout · 20/12/2022 20:10

"baby mamma"

"baby daddy"

Ugghhhhhhhh ....

What is a better term? I’ll use it, promise.

IneedanewTV · 20/12/2022 22:40

JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 22:30

What is a better term? I’ll use it, promise.

Show quote history

Baby’s mother, baby’s father or even baby’s parents?

Curiousmember · 20/12/2022 22:56

I think there are many men out there who thoroughly enjoy making babies, but are significantly less enamoured with the task of actually raising them. I'm sure there are a lot of women who are the same, but it's usually the woman who ends up having to raise them on her own anyway.

Startingagain8 · 20/12/2022 23:08

Massive red flag 🚩😌 apart from the fact creating three broken homes probably is evidence of a reckless irresponsible and selfish character, if you became serious and got married so much of his/your finances would be going out to 3 different households. And if it’s not, well that’s a bigger problem in itself as it’s gross to be with a man who only supports your children but not children from previous marriages.

I am childfree in my 30s and only date men with no kids. I might make a special allowance for a man with one child if he had them when he was young etc and then grew up and was more careful, but not someone who went on to have two more kids with two other women.

JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 23:15

IneedanewTV · 20/12/2022 22:40

Baby’s mother, baby’s father or even baby’s parents?

Show quote history

Ohhhhhh it’s the “mama” part you dislike! Not the connotations of the word!

I was thinking there was a whole other term!

Thank you and out of respect I’ll do my best to try out the way you’ve put it. It’s clunky to me, but then where I grew up “baby mama” is actually a common thing so I don’t notice.

thanks again!

hugefanofcheese · 20/12/2022 23:27

Not reading 13 pages so apologies if repeating points already well made. No judgement on those with multiple kids/ co-parents but this would be a no thanks from me. It's only been 2 dates and this is a huge commitment for him logistically, financially, keeping things sweet with 3 different mums, especially the 2 close together. Unless your circs are similar and you fully get it and are happy to work around all of this then I would forget this one. It's a lot.

Moonyblue · 20/12/2022 23:38

Red flag seems to small, more like red ocean !

AcerbicColleague · 21/12/2022 03:18

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 19:06

Because you’re telling me that a man with three children from three different relationships manages to coach teams for all three of his kids and your friend comes along to them all, with their child together too?

so all three do the same sport? Or he coaches three different sports? Oh and he manages to do this every weekend? And your friend comes to watch him coach his children from previous relationships with their child together?

nah

Show quote history

Gosh you're very invested in trying to disprove my contribution, aren't you? Why is that? What do you get out of it?

As I explained in a previous post, they are now grandparents so no, his eldest is no longer at school 😂she has two children of her own. His second is also out of school and working so no, he is not coaching their after school sports 😁

His third has just graduated, he has coached her teams all the way through school; and his next two are still in school.

AcerbicColleague · 21/12/2022 03:20

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 19:09

I’m going to take a punt @AcerbicColleague that you don’t have children that play in extracurricular sports teams ie at the weekends?

because if you did - you’d know that this man managing to coach all three of his three children’s sports teams from different relationships and for it all to work with timing and venue …. No chance

Erm, yes I have children and yes they play sport. But they are not at competition level, they are decidedly average. On the other hand, my friend's children are very gifted sportspeople and have three training sessions a week as well as local, regional and national competitions - one in two sports and the other in three! Logistically, sure it's tricky but some families pull it off.

AcerbicColleague · 21/12/2022 03:24

If it helps, I am a lone parent, I work FT and volunteer PT, and run my children around to their various activities too. I guess some of us have more energy and time management skills than others.

dolor · 21/12/2022 03:40

RUN AWWWWAAAAAAAAAY

Moser85 · 21/12/2022 03:50

He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them.

Well all deadbeats say that, or else that they don't see them because their exes are crazy.

They're not going to say they couldn't be bothered with them and only see them when it suits.

Realistically if he was a decent, involved dad then he's not really going to have time to date, his weekends should always be busy with kids, and surely he should also be involved during the week bringing them to activities or one on one time or just general things that arise with kids.

Outtasteamandluck · 21/12/2022 05:00

Oh my days. There's got to be another one out there?? Yep here's the 🚩