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Original poster

Man I'm seeing has 3 children with 3 different mothers. Red flag?

536 replies

tinderexplorer · 20/12/2022 06:29

I have been on 2 dates with this man. He is 36. He has dropped a bit of a bombshell and I am not sure how to proceed. He has 3 DCs with 3 women. He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them. They are 12, 10 and 6. I did not press him about why the relationships he had with the DCs mums didn't work out. I am now wondering what has gone on with his prior relationships. I also wonder if the DCs were planned or not. I thought there was potential after the first date but not I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

OP posts:
Tinseltosser · 20/12/2022 12:46

Red flag so vast you can see it from the fucking moon.

Either:

a) He is a runner. He's the one who left them. He managed to get three women pregnant in a relatively short period of time and left the moment things got a bit tough, so clearly didn't even really know or like them that much. Demonstrating an astounding lack of responsibility and emotional resilience. Not good.

b) He is the one that got dumped. By three women who had young dc with him. He got thrown back into the water for a reason. Usually women with young dc try FAR too hard to make things work for their dc's sake, so there is something seriously wrong with this one. Maybe abusive or maybe just an utterly useless/unpleasant twat the moment the honeymoon phase is over.

It could be a mix or variation of the two above.

What it is extremely unlikely to be is just an unfortunate set of circumstances he couldn't help at all and therefore not some sort of failing or fault on his behalf.

DunkingMyDonuts · 20/12/2022 12:48

I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

Stop being judgemental. He sounds great. He has been honest with you, he keeps in contact, loves them and knows how old they are clutching at straws, is obviously fertile and ummm..... am sure there are other reasons he is a catch too or else you surely wouldn't be asking such a ruddy obvious question...

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 20/12/2022 12:48

Oh dear me.
Don't become the fourth.

IamSamantha · 20/12/2022 12:55

I know someone really similar but older, kids grown etc. He's a lovely man, great to look, lots of fun and great company etc.

However (🙈🙄), crap partner, selfish, fickle always chasing his tail and going from one idea to another. All 3 women have left him and a few others along the way. He's in his 50s and now bored, depressed and wouldn't compromise with a partner. Is happy for them to follow him 😏.

It's a shame because other than this he's really easy to fancy and I really would go there 😂

HellsBells87 · 20/12/2022 12:57

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 10:10

Mind boggles how you have the time with four kids of which three of still very young.

and so these men that you have dated that have never had an issue with you having four kids with 3 men… have never met your children and you have only dated them causally.

So essentially…. They’re just words in a casual dating scenario. And how many men are we taking about here?

Show quote history

How many men I've dated is irrelevant. I've had casual dates and things that went on a bit longer in between my serious relationships. Just because I was a single mum doesn't mean that I didnt deserve to have love or a connection with someone.Yes in an ideal world I'd have all my kids to my husband. But what's done is done.

HellsBells87 · 20/12/2022 12:57

Name change fail but doesn't matter.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 13:02

HellsBells87 · 20/12/2022 12:57

How many men I've dated is irrelevant. I've had casual dates and things that went on a bit longer in between my serious relationships. Just because I was a single mum doesn't mean that I didnt deserve to have love or a connection with someone.Yes in an ideal world I'd have all my kids to my husband. But what's done is done.

Show quote history

It is very relevant

you said every man you’ve ever dated has been totally chilled with you having multiple children from different fathers.

if we are talking about 2 men that never met your children and you were only , in your words “ casually dating” then it puts a rather different spin on loads of different relationships with men, all of whom were utterly chilled about your family

SofiaSoFar · 20/12/2022 13:05

I can't believe you even need to ask, OP.

Chuck him back in the bargain/reject basket and look for a less flawed specimen.

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 13:05

VisaGeezer · 20/12/2022 10:45

A woman I know had 2 kids with a man like this.

He had two kids with two women and a third on the way when she get pregnant by him (and she went on to have another whim she admits he was opposed to (he thought she was on contraception).

She now has his kids four and five (her being the fourth mother).

He has not seen them since babies.

He has not voluntarily paid for them.

He made arrangements to send them once, she prepped the kids, he cancelled.

She gets a smidgeon of child maintenance.

The kids are visibly "interested" in other kids Dads and ask about them. They seem aware of their circumstances.

IMO the women who knowingly conceive kids with such fine male specimens are just as bad. Entirely selfish to inflict such a "father" on innocent children, giving them a broken home from the get-go and life long struggles with abandonment and self worth. When parents are shitty, kids don't stop loving them. They stop loving themselves instead. Such a burden to carry all because the woman refused to see the red flags smaking her in the face.

Idiots, all around.

Gets my blood boiling.

Women need to learn to take some accountability for who they reproduce with, when the outcomes are perfectly foreseeable and the writing is on the wall.

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 13:08

CandyLips · 20/12/2022 10:51

Would people say the same thing about a woman who has 3 children to different men? I'm sure there are women on here in this position.

Yes. Yes we would. And we have.

Fifi00 · 20/12/2022 13:10

Runaway !! I'd say the same if it was a woman with 3 different father's. The fact is he's made very bad choices and has procreated in different relationships. You will be baby mama no 4 and left alone. Please don't fool yourself he might change.

wheelywheelynice · 20/12/2022 13:14

You're not really "seeing" him if you've only had two dates. Run for the hills!

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 13:16

ILoveeCakes · 20/12/2022 12:01

I think people should only be able to have kids with one person. It all gets too messy otherwise - as we often see on here. People might choose a bit more wisely if that were the case.

Widows or widowers included?

Women who've escaped domestic violence and would like to start a new life with a new parter?

Why does it have to be so black and white?

There's a lot more nuance behind it

ILoveeCakes · 20/12/2022 13:18

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 13:16

Widows or widowers included?

Women who've escaped domestic violence and would like to start a new life with a new parter?

Why does it have to be so black and white?

There's a lot more nuance behind it

Show quote history

Ah, I see the "what ifs" and "what abouts" have started..........

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 13:19

DunkingMyDonuts · 20/12/2022 12:48

I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

Stop being judgemental. He sounds great. He has been honest with you, he keeps in contact, loves them and knows how old they are clutching at straws, is obviously fertile and ummm..... am sure there are other reasons he is a catch too or else you surely wouldn't be asking such a ruddy obvious question...

Better OP snatches him off the market. More decent men left in the pool for the rest of us who happen to have standards.

Figgygal · 20/12/2022 13:21

Yeah I'd be throwing him back op
Not up for getting involved with that

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 13:22

ILoveeCakes · 20/12/2022 13:18

Ah, I see the "what ifs" and "what abouts" have started..........

Show quote history

I see that you're dodging my question.

Yes or no? No more babies for these people because it doesn't fit @ILoveeCakes's oversimplified worldview?

SlashBeef · 20/12/2022 13:23

Immediately no!

ILoveeCakes · 20/12/2022 13:25

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 13:22

I see that you're dodging my question.

Yes or no? No more babies for these people because it doesn't fit @ILoveeCakes's oversimplified worldview?

Show quote history

Sorry, I wasn't planning on spending the afternoon having a debate about a simple comment - hammering out the precise details of something that is never going to happen. Pointless

Ponderingwindow · 20/12/2022 13:34

he isn’t a dating prospect

there is no backstory that explains putting his existing children into ever more complicated family dynamics. Two different mothers can happen even with good planning and everyone having long term family intentions. After that he should modify his behavior to make sure that his existing children are prioritized and protected from his own relationship drama.

MrsWhites · 20/12/2022 13:37

I bet the other 3 women wish they’d run whilst they had the chance!

Seriously though, it’s a big commitment taking on ‘step’ children from one other parent, never mind 3, you have to consider things like holidays, weekend plans, how him paying child maintenance will affect your finances if you end up living together. It’s a lot to take on and at the end of the day there has to be a reason why 3 relationships didn’t work out despite being serious enough to produce children!

IsThePopeCatholic · 20/12/2022 13:53

Not worth the (future) hassle.

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/12/2022 14:52

Fairy22 · 20/12/2022 11:56

God, Throw him back in the sea

Show quote history

Dump him back on the beach more like!

He's obviously a washed up piece of flotsam.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 20/12/2022 15:25

Hiddenvoice · 20/12/2022 10:37

I’m going to be different from everyone else and encourage you to give him a chance and find out what went wrong before cutting him off.
My friend has 3 dc with 3 different women. The first was born was he was young and dumb- he admits that. The second was born during a happy relationship but the mum later cheated. The third was born when he was engaged to the mum but the relationship sadly fell apart. He is a very responsible father, he has the children 50/50 each week. He attends all school related things and is even leads 2 of their sports clubs. He works hard to provide everything they need. He barely gets a second date because the moment he tells a woman they run a mile without knowing the facts.
Now the guy you’re dating might not care for his children but don’t tarnish all single dads that way. This guy might actually be a good, full on dad.

Why does he have to breed with every woman he's in a relationship with? Is he a lion?

NewToWoo · 20/12/2022 15:31

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 13:05

IMO the women who knowingly conceive kids with such fine male specimens are just as bad. Entirely selfish to inflict such a "father" on innocent children, giving them a broken home from the get-go and life long struggles with abandonment and self worth. When parents are shitty, kids don't stop loving them. They stop loving themselves instead. Such a burden to carry all because the woman refused to see the red flags smaking her in the face.

Idiots, all around.

Gets my blood boiling.

Women need to learn to take some accountability for who they reproduce with, when the outcomes are perfectly foreseeable and the writing is on the wall.

Show quote history

I agree with @LaLuz7 . I know it;s judgemental of me, but bloody hell, take a breath and pause before havuing unprotected sex with wasters. Why should children have such parents inflicted on them? And, bluntly, why should so many women bear the entire burden of financing and raising children while the men bumble off and impregnate elsewhere.