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Original poster

Man I'm seeing has 3 children with 3 different mothers. Red flag?

536 replies

tinderexplorer · 20/12/2022 06:29

I have been on 2 dates with this man. He is 36. He has dropped a bit of a bombshell and I am not sure how to proceed. He has 3 DCs with 3 women. He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them. They are 12, 10 and 6. I did not press him about why the relationships he had with the DCs mums didn't work out. I am now wondering what has gone on with his prior relationships. I also wonder if the DCs were planned or not. I thought there was potential after the first date but not I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

OP posts:
CandyLips · 20/12/2022 10:51

Would people say the same thing about a woman who has 3 children to different men? I'm sure there are women on here in this position.

Fishwifer · 20/12/2022 10:53

it doesn't matter if he's a loving father and the situation isn't his "fault" (although it's unlikely that he's amazing father / partner material - not impossible but unlikely)... imagine the drama and logistics.

few people would sign up for that massive headache/car crash of a life together. i'd run a mile in the opposite direction.

and to anyone saying "but he might be an amazing partner, involved dad" - yeah, but OP needs to put her own interest and care first. signing up to that setup is a huge undertaking - it doesn't matter how good or nice somone is, being a partner to that mess is only going to add stress to her life. i doubt this potential partner is enough of an offset to that.

p.s. rich celebs don't live by the same practical rules as us - it's not like they're scrubbing their own loo or worrying about how to fit in extra bunk beds if the step kids stay over.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 20/12/2022 10:53

CandyLips · 20/12/2022 10:51

Would people say the same thing about a woman who has 3 children to different men? I'm sure there are women on here in this position.

The difference is that the vast majority of those women won't have walked out on those children - they will be living with them and raising them. It is possible that this man has all three of his kids 50% of the time, but not very likely.

Fishwifer · 20/12/2022 10:54

Would people say the same thing about a woman who has 3 children to different men? I'm sure there are women on here in this position.

Hell yes.
Life is hard enough without walking into that mess.

DosCervezas · 20/12/2022 10:54

My neighbour has 8 kids with it seems 5 women from what I can gather.
Late 40s , worn the same t shirt daily for about 5 years, house looks like a tip, 20 stone plus , chain smoker amd a new woman has just arrived on the scene. He clearly knows his art.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 10:55

CandyLips · 20/12/2022 10:51

Would people say the same thing about a woman who has 3 children to different men? I'm sure there are women on here in this position.

And 99% of the time all those children will live with the mumsnetter who will with the primary parent

MusicstillonMTV · 20/12/2022 10:56

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 20/12/2022 10:53

The difference is that the vast majority of those women won't have walked out on those children - they will be living with them and raising them. It is possible that this man has all three of his kids 50% of the time, but not very likely.

Show quote history

Doesn't that make them even less appealing as a dating prospect?

You're very rarely going to get much time with a woman with three kids with three different men without at least one of them.

SpinningFloppa · 20/12/2022 10:56

CandyLips · 20/12/2022 10:51

Would people say the same thing about a woman who has 3 children to different men? I'm sure there are women on here in this position.

I absolutely would say the say about a woman and I’m eye rolling at those who claim it’s “different” regardless of whether she is the one raising the children I think it shows poor choices/ judgement and I wouldn’t want to get involved, if my son came home and said he has met a woman and she has 3 kids to 3 different men I would be advising he doesn’t go there.

CandyLips · 20/12/2022 10:57

SpinningFloppa · 20/12/2022 10:56

I absolutely would say the say about a woman and I’m eye rolling at those who claim it’s “different” regardless of whether she is the one raising the children I think it shows poor choices/ judgement and I wouldn’t want to get involved, if my son came home and said he has met a woman and she has 3 kids to 3 different men I would be advising he doesn’t go there.

Show quote history

Me too @SpinningFloppa

darkwinterdays · 20/12/2022 10:58

His track record speaks for itself. Unless you are looking for a sperm donor I would move along quickly.

SpinningFloppa · 20/12/2022 10:58

MusicstillonMTV · 20/12/2022 10:56

Doesn't that make them even less appealing as a dating prospect?

You're very rarely going to get much time with a woman with three kids with three different men without at least one of them.

Show quote history

Exactly I would wonder how they even find the time to date and I would find it more off putting dating them as pretty much never going to see them and means you will have to be much more involved in raising them and if you wanted to live together you would barely get any time to yourself never mind the financial cost of it all!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/12/2022 10:59

CandyLips · 20/12/2022 10:51

Would people say the same thing about a woman who has 3 children to different men? I'm sure there are women on here in this position.

Yes, I would. Irresponsible and reprehensible.

Supersimkin2 · 20/12/2022 11:05

Run.

On way out, talk to one of the numerous baby Mumas to see what they say about him.

Wheresthebeach · 20/12/2022 11:05

Jesus wept...I despair. Run, now.

dcut · 20/12/2022 11:07

Would people say the same thing about a woman who has 3 children to different men? I'm sure there are women on here in this position

There's nothing more tiresome on Mumsnet saying "but what if it was a woman". It is irrelevant. This OP is talking about a man who has three children by three different women and isn't the primary caregiver of any of the children. Posters are responding to this situation.

If a man came on here and said the woman they are dating has 3 children to 3 different men and none of the children live with her, then yes, it would raise a red flag too.
If the woman has the three children living with her and each child has a different father it's a completely different scenario. However, if I was a man looking to date her I would be concerned about it yes.

Such a waste of time posting stuff like "but what if the genders were reversed" because the situations are different. Each situation requires a different response.

Aftersevens · 20/12/2022 11:09

Run

user1471457751 · 20/12/2022 11:12

CandyLips · 20/12/2022 10:51

Would people say the same thing about a woman who has 3 children to different men? I'm sure there are women on here in this position.

Really? Women who do not have main residence of any of their children and only see them every other weekend?

Women not having main residence or 50/50 is very rare. Then add in the having having 3 kids with 3 different men. Then add in only a couple of years between children. I don't think there will be many (if any) women like this man.

dcut · 20/12/2022 11:13

And now to answer the actual OP after the distraction of the "what if it was a woman" nonsense...
Run.
It just shows he is most likely completely irresponsible. The two oldest children are close in age - so he's got a second woman pregnant quickly after the birth of the first.
Perhaps he has some genuine reasons why this has happened but to be honest it would be hard to unpick the actual truth of it - he's going to give the best possible version so it doesn't look so bad.
Anyway, whatever has happened in the past, the present and the future with him isn't going to be easy because there will be constant demands on his time (and rightly so) regarding his contact with his children as well as the whole issue of how much money he will need to pay in child support. I really think it's just going to be a constant nightmare - just look at the many threads on here where there are constant issues regarding people who have children to just one other person, never mind three.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 11:14

fuckwhatshouldido · 20/12/2022 10:28

On another thread you started you say your DP has 3 kids AND you already have 3 kids from a previous relationship

@Ursuladevine he also has a stepson from his marriage who he still sees regularly but I left that bit out as it wasn’t hugely relevant to the OP. And yes, I do also have 3 kids. If you look back through my posting history you’ll see I fell pregnant by accident at the start of the year, had a miscarriage and then haven’t been pregnant since. I wasn’t saying I was intending to have any more kids, just using it as an example of how someone could be in that situation and not automatically be a deadbeat.

No but fact that you already have 3 young children is kind of relevant!

windmill26 · 20/12/2022 11:14

Run

millymog11 · 20/12/2022 11:15

To be fair to OP, there are loads of women out there who will very happily hook up with a married man and try to persuade him to have kids with her after he has left his wife. That does not take away from the fact that it would be a massive red flag to me, but loads of women not only do not see it as a red flag, but see it as some kind of challenge/sign of his virility (and i am a woman btw incase you were unsure).

MrsRinaDecker · 20/12/2022 11:16

I don’t know..
I have 3 children to 3 different men, but the youngest is now 16 and I’m a totally different person to the young teenager who got pregnant over two decades ago. I’d hope not to be judged for my past, however, his dc are younger which is going to present more of a challenge so 🤷‍♀️ I’d definitely take it slowly, and any other red flags (doesn’t pay cms, speaks badly about the ex, etc, etc..) that would be it.

NewSee · 20/12/2022 11:22

It would be a bit of a red flag for me.

However, if you look at Ross from friends as an example 😁 who was married 3 times (yes I know it’s not true), it is easy to see how it can happened without the person being overly irresponsible.

I know of a women with 3 different dads and she is not irresponsible at all.

There was a thread on here about a women coming off her BC and not telling her partner and there were many replies supporting her and women saying they did the same thing.

I also got pregnant on the pill.

Having step kids can be difficult and this may be more difficult having them all with different mums or it may be easier as there will be less baby mama drama.
It’s not like he’s left a 20 year long marriage and 3 kids to the same women which is going to create much more drama than short lived relationships.

It also depends on whether you want kids or not.

So yes it would put me off a bit but I wouldn’t completely judge him over it.

Sandra1984 · 20/12/2022 11:22

@felulageller I'd want to know the full story before condemning him.

This. I have a close friend in her late 30's, 3 kids from different fathers, she's a very wealthy banker who adores her children. She always wanted lots of them but her relationships didn't worked out. All her kids are well fed, happy, loved, and live with her. She has an awesome nanny and spends most of her free time with the children. The dads come to visit the kids every now and them but she's the sole carer and financial provider of the family. I wouldn't call my friend irresponsible, she's a great mother but not too lucky with men.

I don't know the story of the OP's new partner so cannot judge him, again... I want to hear his story before condemning him.

Sandy89xx · 20/12/2022 11:22

Really any need for that.