Well, here we are… another one

[Beachlives]

Sitting in my car trying to process that H has just told me he’s had an affair. Fucks sake.

I think you’ve made the right decision not to let him be there for Christmas. Maybe you and your DC can plan to do something that you wouldn’t normally do so that it avoids having a lull in the day where you all dwell on it (or is it just my house that has a lull mid afternoon!?!?).

you could also make a rule that no one is to mention your DH for the day. Anyone that does has to put a pound in a jar or do something silly like a dare. I know that’s really tongue in cheek - and perhaps you don’t want them to feel they can’t talk about it - but maybe it turns it into something a ‘light hearted’ (is that possible?) on Xmas day. (Obv I know this is not a light hearted situation)

lots of love xxxx

How are you OP? Thinking of you hugs.

Sending a hug OP. Good decision not to have him there for Christmas (there would be a massive elephant in the room) which would suck the joy out of the day. His choices have consequences which he knew about when choosing to shag something else. He wasn't thinking/feeling guilty about you guys when with her so don't think about/feel guilty about him not having a family now. He's made his bed, good riddens to bad rubbish.

Hey op. Just checking in. Hope you're okay

Love your Dd. Sorry to hear your son has taken it hard. I'm sure it's all a massive shock. I'm glad they have you.

But make sure you have support too. You sound fricking amazing. But it's such a shock to the system. Take care and give yourself a chance to breathe too.

I think I've made the right choice about Christmas too. It would just be tense and fucking awful with him there with the undertones.

We're always here for you

Fuck this is hard. 😞

I have amazing kids and wonderful friends and there is so much I can do moving forward. But to be betrayed like this. It really, really hurts.

From the moment we met there was a bond between us, it was so strong. It was like we were entwined. Then it got really thin, like a piece of worn string, but it was there, even in the worst of times, and was a kind of elasticy string that would rebond and strengthen.

then he took a machete to it.

So little care, so little respect for me and for our family.

He’s like @80s says, a stranger. I don’t know the person I thought I knew (and knew me) best in the world. That is so, so hard.

The first paragraph suggestion is a great idea!

The second - blimey, NO.
It's not a black & white situation for OP's kids. For her either. Encouraging her DC to make a game out of hating on dad is NOT HEALTHY.
From the tiny snapshot OP has given about her DC are feeling -
Utterly horrified and probably in a worse place than I am.
DS1 is pretty broken

Making a rule that they are not to mention him is ... sorry Bear, there's no way of putting it tactfully - borderline abusive. It would be putting them through contortions & restricting their natural speech, when the most important thing is that can can express themselves freely about whatever the hell it is they need to say, no matter how upsetting.

Apologies again Bear, it's clear from the tone of your post how you meant well.
OP - never mind my bossy old boots, you know your kids & your instincts for them will carry you through, along with your resolve & willpower.

He’s like @80s says, a stranger. I don’t know the person I thought I knew (and knew me) best in the world. That is so, so hard.

I get it OP. Like somebody has taken your world & shaken it, so all the pieces are still there but everything's out of kilter. Disconcerting to say the least.

A part of him will already be regretting that machete, & he will miss the elastic he snapped with it. That's not to imply anything about any potential for rconciliation btw (too grim & demeaning): it's more to confirm to you that it WAS real, & it was valid, & you had every right to expect he would continue to respect it. Stupid, stupid man. He can make some very small amends by stepping up for his kids, & by keeping the fuck away for as long as you tell him to.

I messaged him earlier to say he had to stay away until after Christmas and not to contact me in the meantime. He is doing that. He’ll be close enough that DC can see him if/when they want to. I have made it clear that’s up to them.

I would never tell them they can’t talk about him or the situation, it’s so important they feel they can talk to me or whoever they want to. They have all told close friends and they have rallied around. DD has friends over to stay and I can still hear them giggling. 😊

DS1 had a bit of a cry this evening and we talked through some stuff. He’s very hurt and angry, understandably so. I’ve told him to take his time, he’s allowed to feel whatever he feels, and he can see/not see his dad as feels right for him.

And yes @KettrickenSmiled, he is a stupid, immature, cowardly person. The bond was real, other people often commented on it. Then he broke it. Irreparably.

I deserve better.

@Beachlives you definitely deserve better.

I Don’t know how any father could do this to his babies, what a coward. I would cut his nuts off tbh

Try and just have the best chri stmas.tell yourself.tell your kids let's just make this a special one so chri stmas isn't ruined for the rest of your lives linked to this shithead explosion.
It's ok to be hurt but want to have a nice time.
It's ok to try and park it for a while.
It's ok for your son to still need his dad to be perfect,his hero,someone to look up to and respect so when that's shatters it feels bloody heart breaking.but at the same time still loving him.hes dad!
You can get through to another side op.life will be different.but that doesn't have to be bad.a new path awaits.yiu can still lead a good one.who knows what you could do next.
Rather that than living a life that's a lie.carrying on whilst everything is false.never feeling certain or safe.

Just wanted to send support op. Be easy on yourself. The way you feel about this will not be linear. Expect to feel up and down, strong one day, a mess the next.

There is a lot to unpick and choices to be made but the good news is you can do it all on your own timescale. For now hunker down with your lovely kids-they sound great-and above all else bear in mind that you don't owe him anything now. There is some (albeit unwanted) freedom in that.

You know what? You're doing great.
Keep looking after yourself and your kids. That's all that matters now xx Big love

I'm so sorry, op. This is heartbreaking to read. I know exactly what you mean with the bond with your husband. I can't imagine how painful it must be. Hoping he respects your decision and stays away, and you can try find some peaceful moments this Christmas with your children (who sound lovely).

I just wanted to thank everyone who has shared their stories. It’s really sad that so many people go through this. I’m heartened by the positive outcomes for people- it’s great that you have come out stronger despite the pain.

Honesty, respect, integrity - things that should be fundamental to any relationship (romantic or otherwise).

Hugs OP you’re doing fantastic. 👏🏻👏🏻

I think you’re brilliant @Beachlives. The way you’re handling this with the kids. Your agility and clarity in the hardest of circumstances. You’ve got real strength of mind. I have so much confidence in you. x

Discovering that he’s not who you thought he was is very hard to take, because it puts a bomb under everything you’ve shared and been through together; was it real, was he being honest in that situation, or that one…

I’m currently going through this (abusive relationship) and I have had to compartmentalise the good bits and somehow accept that he is both people…so as not to drive myself crazy. It isn’t a perfect solution and it’s taken me a while to get to it, but it has allowed me to stop tearing everything- inc myself- to pieces. It doesn’t change the outcome, our marriage is over, but it has helped stop the headf*ck some of the time, and thus allowed me to look after me, rather than spending time in his head trying to work out what the hell he thought he was doing.

Most importantly it has helped the DC - I think - not to have to change their view of their father 💯, it helped with how conflicted they felt…we talked about “dad has done something really stupid” rather than what I really wanted to say about him, so they haven’t had to take on too much of my hurt as well as their own. My DC are younger than yours, so yours will have more experience of relationships, and more capacity to understand what he’s done…but it might help with your youngest, to know that dad is still there and he hasn’t done this to them (even though of course he has), to try and help them feel less like their world is destroyed and more like it’s in different bits/a different shape?

Sorry I know I’m rambling @Beachlives just I so understand the free fall you are in, and wish I could do more to help. One day at a time love, take all the time you need to look after you and your little ones, however grown up they are xx

Thank you @BeeAFreeBird 😊 Not feeling great today but put on my highest heels (they’re not v high 😂) and went for a walk to the local shops and to drop in on a couple of friends. Cleared my head and am a bit better. I’m going to wrap presents shortly. With some mulled wine 🍷

@Lavenderfowl, sorry you’re going through similar. You are so right, I’m having a bit of a hard time processing that this man, who I have spent nearly 25 years of my life with, can behave like that. But people change, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t once the person I believed him to be.

As my lovely friend, and many of you, have said - enough focusing on him. It’s all about me and the DC now. And in some ways it’s good it’s now, at least I can start 2023 with clarity.

Lovely post Bird - agree with every word of it.

at least I can start 2023 with clarity

yes you can and with your head held high, especially in those heels

the two different people really resonated with me. You have a past and history and now a future, people sometimes change and it’s not your head space to work out why.

👏

Don't try and look for reasons. Explanations.that way madness lies.
because you shouldn't be able to relate,accept,see his reasons Because your not a shit person.yiur not someone who would do this therefore it's good you "Don't get it" ... that makes you good.that makes you different to a person that could harm people in this way.

Thanks @kateandme , I needed to hear that this morning.

I’m not trying to make sense of his logic, I’m sure he found a way to justify it to himself. I know he’s not the only one, but I just cannot comprehend how anyone can lie, and lie, and lie, day after day. It’s no wonder he looked like shit so much of the time, and I thought some of that was my fault. The ‘two people’ thing… I have to believe that the good times, the laughter, the fun we did have during that time was real. Otherwise he took over a year of my life, and I’m not letting that be my reality. The rubbish, miserable, sad times however… he can own them (I do know those times aren’t all on him, but fuck him, he can have them).

forgive the rambling. I hadn’t realised how important these threads are for the OP each time. Just writing it down helps, and the support of you amazing people is invaluable, particularly at Christmas. My lovely friends have said they are here for me whenever I need them, I know they mean it but they have family and commitments and stuff, and I’m not going to overburden them.

It’s funny (not really), I am sitting here in tears, silently screaming, mourning the future I thought we had. The good place I thought we had got back to.

But even now I know that I am strong. I will allow myself this time, and then I will get up, shower and clean the damn house. It needs it and I need it.

Later I will stick my headphones in and go for a run and feel smug that I’ve done all the wrapping, the food shopping and the extra decorating to make the place sparkly. It’s the most organised I’ve ever been!

Best wishes for Christmas and a better year next year, OP. I’m sure it’s hard, horrible to find you’ve been deceived - and for so long too, but you are coping admirably.

Great way to utilise all the extra energy you are experiencing before it turns into anger, which it will at some point.

remember, he is not your monkey, so he can go play in his own circus whilst you focus on you, your family and your friends