Well, here we are… another one

[Beachlives]

Sitting in my car trying to process that H has just told me he’s had an affair. Fucks sake.

I’m not trying to make sense of his logic, I’m sure he found a way to justify it to himself. I know he’s not the only one, but I just cannot comprehend how anyone can lie, and lie, and lie, day after day.

You know, in situations like this I find it helpful to not try to figure out the 'why'. To wonder 'why' often leads to unconsciously rationalizing their action and/or self-blame (If I'd only..., why didn't I see.....) All that is important to me is that it did happen. That's what helps me make the decisions that I need to make.

I have to believe that the good times, the laughter, the fun we did have during that time was real.

Yes, your good times were real. Don't think they weren't. The 'bad' doesn't negate the good. It's just that they weren't the 'whole picture'.

He has no reason or justifications remember that.
Remember also he I suspect will very soon realise what he's given up.ehat he's lost, especially after christmas.i don't no how he might try and claw his way back in but it often happens.amd you being good,you still raw might just want it still too.
But remember what he's done.remember 365 days and all those hours he shat on you and your family.he doesn't deserve you.
Think how amazing you are.to get up and still be functioning when a great weight had tried to smash through you home,life,self. Your doing fantastic! Your making new pathways,new traditions,new memories.hold on to those little pockets of joy.
Don't get stuck in comparing to last year.or measuring to other families.or making ANY rules at all of how this next few days should be.because they should be exactly as you want them.exactly as you feel like. Every new moment is a moment you have survived and thrived. Go forward.wear something fab ( that can be your best pjs ) eat what you want.watch what you want.be however you need to be and tell the kids they can do the same. Hold them tight. Hold yourself right.be proud of the woman and mum you ate.
Lots of us are here for you too.comr and talk whenever you need to.
And you are never a burden to those who love you.dont think that.its simply not true.we gave whole new pockets of care that open up when people we love need us.
Each new day will bring memories.will bring waves of emotions.allow them but then let them pass.let yourself breathe and carry on.
It will be ok.
I bet when you first found out you never dreamed you'd get to the next second never mind Christmas eve eve.ans look at you.still going.still moving breathing working it all out.your doing great.so each time you stumble remember you can,have,will get through.
Make moments of joy.whatever they are.

Cheers to you @Beachlives. Keep on keeping on, and keep on being you. 🥂

I don’t know if this helps, but I have to tell you that all of your coping mechanisms are so fucking healthy and strong I am utterly in awe of you. You sound like a loving and respectful mother and I can’t imagine that you would have been anything other than that as a partner to your DH. He chose to create a narrative that allowed him to justify his duplicity and it unraveled before his eyes every time he came home to you and was hit once again with the painful truth. It was the weight of his guilt that was why he appeared so unwell and so stressed. I imagine he was angry and blame-shifting a lot too. (There is a pattern to this behaviour - Chump Lady will explain everything.)

Thank you all (again). I hope you had a lovely Christmas day. Ours was ok, obviously not the best we’ve ever had but we got through it, had a decent lunch. There were some tears and emotion, had to do quite a lot of reassurance that each of the DCs feelings were ok and valid, but I think we got there. We even managed a couple of board games (with the obligatory sibling arguments 😁).

Went for a long walk with H today, it’s the first time I’ve seen him since. I told him before we met that he wasn’t allowed to touch me and he had to be completely honest. All in all I held it together pretty well, as in I was determined to be dignified, and I managed that. I walked away feeling lighter and with my head held high.

Not going to go into the ins and outs of the conversation, but before I went I re-read this thread and it helped so much. He asked a couple of times about things (eg do I want a divorce) and you’d have been proud of me for not reacting - I simply said it had been a week since I’d been told, I was still processing everything and I wasn’t about to make rush decisions. He’s moving out for a bit. The next steps happen in my time.

Thank you for helping me keep strong and clear. I am reading everything even if I don’t reply all the time. MN have kindly moved this to relationships, think I might be here for a while…

Well played @Beachlives, well played. Xx

I simply said it had been a week since I’d been told, I was still processing everything and I wasn’t about to make rush decisions. He’s moving out for a bit. The next steps happen in my time

It might not feel that way right now, Beachlives, but you're being incredibly wise (and I'm glad the day went okay in the circumstances)

Nobody would ever want to be in this situation but it's how you handle it that counts, and I can't think of anything you could be doing better.
Do be aware that he's probably keeping OW on the back burner to hedge his bets, but mostly just look after yourself and the DCs and make final decisions when you're ready

Well done for being so dignified. Nothing will hurt him more.

So, a few things I want to write down - she knew we were still sleeping together when they started having sex. She has gone from low to scum. I’ve told him he owes me the cost of the STI test.

I was about to say he had accepted total blame, but thinking about it, whilst he definitely hasn’t tried to push blame on to me in any way, he has tried to disassociate the ‘real him’. I told him I didn’t know him at all and this person was a stranger to me, a bit later on he said that he didn’t recognise the person that did this. 🤔

he was pretty honest with most of his answers (I know that because I asked some questions that I knew the truth would be painful to hear, and it was).

On reflection there were some things, seemingly minor, but still, that he still managed not to answer directly, or hesitated before answering, and on occasion still managed to make it all about him…

He looked pretty shocked when I told him that he is no longer a person I had to care or worry about.

Its really quite amazing (in a sad way) how much of a script these things follow, but having you guys with me, and with really insightful support, has definitely helped me navigate today. I think I might actually get some restful sleep tonight.

PS I am absolutely not this together with many other things in my life!! 😁

I have been there, it’s brutal and tbh I’m 15 months on and still dealing with the fallout of this from the children.
Take care of yourself 💐

I think you have responded with amazing dignity. Best of luck. As you say, you do not have to consider him any longer. The person you married no longer exists.

What you need to do now is to disentangle your life from this stranger, with the minimum damage to your children. Calm focus on what you need to achieve this is best. A really good solicitor is the first starting point, I would recommend.

I have been there.

I know it's all incredibly raw right now but eventually you will become largely indifferent to him and yes, will have moved on. People will tell you time heals and you won't believe it but it does.

I realised the other day that I hadn't even remembered my ex-h's 50th birthday, so little does he cross my mind these days.

You do need to get out as soon as possible.seperate his feelings and life from yours.for all your sakes.he doesn't deserve any more of your future.youve got a world and life to find.

You're doing so well even if it doesn't feel like it.

OP you are so strong. Have been following your story for the past week and just wanted to send you all the best wishes for your new life together with your children. It may not look like what you had imagined previously but you will all be so much better off. You’re incredibly strong and your children will be proud of you, and grateful to have had such an amazing mother. Keep doing this 💪🏻

You are such a strong, amazing woman.

You are certainly being very dignified.

What is he wanting from all of this? Is he full of remorse and fighting for your relationship?

Not that it matters what he wants anymore. You get to write your story from now on.

The reality is that he only told you so that you got his version first. Had the OW not threatened to. this would still be hidden & you would still be living his lie.
It is totally unforgivable. Please do take all the time you need to find an excellent lawyer, because, as you say, there is a script they all follow, he will get angry, bitter, & acrimonious in divorce. he may yet shack up with OW, (wooden spoon) because man are weak & lazy, & she will have sex with him.

@Beachlives I know you're acting very strong right now and fwiw I'm in awe of you but please practise self care. This is a traumatising experience and it's likely you're still in shock. For me it's you've been pushed off on a roller coaster and you can't get off, you just have to feel the feels as they come. Some of the emotions I experienced were terrifying. I'm a placid person generally and experiencing rage like I'd never let before was scary.

I know you had the advice early on but if you haven't please check out chump lady and get a copy of 'leave a cheat gain a life'. Whether you stay or go it helps you frame the discussions with your husband and prevents any blame being apportioned to you, or you internalising any blame.

Being angry with the affair partner is absolutely your right, right now (and forever as far as I'm concerned), but try to keep the simple truth that she wouldn't even be on your radar of it wasn't for your selfish and entitled husband. He made a series of damaging choices which gave her access into your life, his choices.

You don't need to make any decisions right now, now is the time to process what you want, what makes you happy, whether this is a deal breaker for you or not, and to really think about whether the character flaws in your husband that led him to cheat have raised their heads in other areas of your life and whether he could ever be a safe partner for you. It's time to also watch how far he's prepared to fight for you if at all.

A great place for ongoing support is surviving infidelity. They have amazing posters and forums for just found out, divorce and separation and reconciliation.

I'm so so sorry you've been going through this over Christmas, your poor children, so hard for them to try to be grown up and supportive when they're still only children. You're doing a great job of showing them stability and love.

We've just done our 2nd Christmas. He left just before christmas last year.

It's nothing you've done. It's all his choices.
There is no going back because you would spend your life looking over your shoulder and watching him like a hawk. Where there is no trust, there is no relationship.

As for us, there is still fallout, and we aren't "over it" but we are all in so much more of a better place. We can laugh again. The children (late teens) and I are closer than we ever were before and we have a new honesty and trust in our relationship that wasn't there before.

I'm beginning to see a way forward, and I've stopped trying to forge "a new life" and decided to be a bit more zen about it all, which is much more comfortable.

I'm afraid there is no way around the next few months. They are incredibly painful but the only way is through the middle. The good news is that it ends.

My heart goes out to you, but you are now part of a club of strong, independent women who can do anything.. you may not know it yet, but you are.

Sending love to you OP. What a horrible thing for your dh to tell you, awful timing too just before Christmas (although any time would be awful).

It's very difficult to rebuild trust once it's broken, I would really think about your relationship and how you can move on from this.

I had very similar happen last year. We had been working on our relationship after he had cheated once, turns out It was only me working on it, he was off fucking a different woman. A year on and I am in such a better place. There is no way I'd have believed it last year if someone had said I'd be happy without him and that my life would be so much better, but here I am bloody having a fab time

He looked pretty shocked when I told him that he is no longer a person I had to care or worry about

Very well put, Beachlives, but his reaction is no surprise. With such men theirs is the only welfare which matters, and that of others can become an irritation to be pandered to occasionally but otherwise brushed aside

For the same reason I'd fully expect this to become "your fault" sooner or later; the alternative's to take responsibility himself, and why would he do that when it was "a stranger" who made those choices?

I'm sorry you're having to go though this but also very impressed with the way you're coping. A lot of unfaithful men expect their wives to take them back and your remark about not having to care about him must have really shaken him.
Sadly, now he knows where he stands he'll probably we less co operative, but you've been honest and dignified, a great example to your DC. I hope 2023 will be a much better year for you

I've read the whole thread and just wanted to add my good wishes to you OP. You sound incredibly strong and together on this. Your relationship with your children is absolutely inspiring to read in such a difficult time for you. I wish you the peace, happiness and resolution to this awful betrayal that you deserve in 2023. Best wishes to you and your amazing children xx

Sending love op. You are doing amazingly