Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well, here we are… another one

379 replies

Beachlives · 19/12/2022 01:12

Sitting in my car trying to process that H has just told me he’s had an affair. Fucks sake.

OP posts:
Iamwhatiam52 · 20/12/2022 08:17

Totally agree OP; the OW (whilst not owing you anything) seems an absolute delight of a woman; knowing she was setting off a grenade for you and your kids, right on Christmas. If that's the kind of thing she's capable of, I think you need to prepare yourself for a very ugly situation ahead.

I'm so sorry for you and your kids that your H has turned into being an absolute, grade A cunt. She's welcome to him.

If you use FB, try a local FB group for your town and search divorce lawyers. Also source Citizens Advice. Best of luck to you, and your kids 🤗

Dhama · 20/12/2022 08:46

I asked a friend who I knew had been through a v v difficult divorce, asked who she used and if her ex’s were better 😂😂

It’s shit though, and it’s awful for the kids, I have found it really hard when my kids say things like ‘he’s not the person I thought he was’ and that they don’t like him 😔

think when it comes to the other woman, why on earth would they want someone who can do that? Why would you want someone who lacks integrity, morals, and who is a liar?

He is trash, and she is nothing more than a raccoon dumpster diving**

** still utterly shitty though

Autumntimeagain · 20/12/2022 09:35

OP, is pregnancy the 'reason' she threatened him with telling you ? Is she pregnant ??

I apologize if it's not, but reading between the lines I couldn't for the life of me think of an alternative reason for the whole debacle to be 'confessed' right before Xmas ?

It fits with the 'he finished it a while age' i.e a month or 6 weeks maybe ?
Yet she's now insisting that he 'tell you' or she will ??

GarageGalore · 20/12/2022 09:45

I found getting a divorce solicitor really difficult. They are really expensive, don't promise much and don't give any opinions on what can be expected as the truth is, it varies tremendously on things like how much money you have, the disparity of assets between the parties and if you go to court the interpretation of a single judge...or at least thats what I found. I also didn't know anyone who had got divorced, so couldn't ask for any recommendations.
You want someone who is going to guide you through the process with an independent view and advise you when they think you have the best arrangement that they think you can get. I never got this from either of my solicitors and I'm not sure this is unusual.

Hannahshome · 20/12/2022 11:00

Hope you are okay op. Remember you can split up or you can work through it. There is no shame in either. You do what is right for you.

This is about him, often it is about his inadequacies, his lack of self respect, his issues, his poor boundaries and low self esteem.

As for the AP poor self esteem and lack of boundaries. There is an OW thread on relationships recently which was interesting.

Have you spoken to your counsellor? Often they have an inkling due to lack of engagement from the betrayer.

NellieNewName2 · 20/12/2022 11:59

So sorry.
Chumplady book straight away. It's on Audible.
Make sure your money is secure.
STI test.

BeeAFreeBird · 20/12/2022 12:21

Morning. Ugh. It’s hard when the adrenaline wears off and reality glares. Sending hugs. x

Hope you have a hot cuppa and a comfy blanket to wrap around you. Today calls for lots and lots of tea. Maybe a walk in nature would be nice, or a warm bath. Comfort and gentleness only today.

You have some choices but there’s no rush with anything beyond working out your Christmas plans. Let that percolate in the background while you have a gentle day. How can Christmas still be special?

Understanding your legal situation will be helpful at some point. Perhaps first set aside some time, maybe after Christmas, to mull over what a good separation and divorce - if you want to explore this - would look like to you and for the kids? Would you involve their views? Where would you want to live? What relationship would you want to transition to with him? What other outcomes do you want? How do you picture it all in an ideal scenario? what support and coping tools do you have if it becomes unpleasant or there are curve balls? what would be important and what wouldn’t when the chips are down?

Finding lawyers for anything can be distressing. I agree with the poster that a good female lawyer will likely take better care with you. And also the poster who suggested asking divorced friends for recommendations. if you go for a big firm you’ll get a standardised service which is perhaps less personal but fairly reliable on outcomes. The legal 500 has a database that can be filtered by geography and then practice e.g. family. www.legal500.com/rankings/

Whatever is right for you, go slowly and keep things gentle. You’re a fantastic woman and will have the peace and joy you deserve even if it isn’t right away.

Sending love and peace for Christmas and the year ahead. x

Original poster
Beachlives · 20/12/2022 18:58

Thank you again, the support on here is much appreciated. I’ve told a couple of people at work who have been through it and are being amazing.

pregnancy isn’t the reason she was threatening to tell me. She hasn’t emailed. So that’s another thing to have to deal with, wondering each time I check my emails.

He’s staying with friends.

I am focused on me and DC. Told youngest (15) tonight. She’s very on it and would have been really upset if she hadn’t been told but the others knew. Completely stoic. She gave me a hug and said ‘I bet you’re prettier’ 😊

Not sure about Christmas yet. I’m not making any decisions on that right now.

OP posts:
PyjamaFan · 20/12/2022 19:03

Oh bless your daughter, that's so sweet of her!

AcrossthePond55 · 20/12/2022 20:56

‘I bet you’re prettier’

Sometimes our DC know exactly the right thing to say, don't they? Out of the mouths of babes.

Popetthetreehugger · 20/12/2022 21:27

OP , always remember that your more than equal to whatever is to come . I’ll add my thought , change the furniture around , that way you won’t be caught off guard by an empty chair. It gives a feeling of new start . Look after yourself x

Always4Brenner · 20/12/2022 21:31

Your daughter is fabulous saying those words take care and be kind to yourself this Christmas.

Newnamefor2021 · 20/12/2022 21:36

I'm so sorry. What a absolute scumbag! So sorry.

NellieNewName2 · 21/12/2022 07:10

As someone who's been through this - I'd consider having Christmas without him. You may as well have the shock and pain all now so that next Christmas won't be tainted by its being your first without him.

NellieNewName2 · 21/12/2022 07:13

Also - just to say our lives are SO much better without him now. You can build a mighty future when you don't have a scumbag in your life.

Outtasteamandluck · 21/12/2022 07:38

As someone else who went through this too at exactly this point in the year. I'm sorry.
I had to deal with the OW's partner who had found out and was threatening all sorts of chaos if I wasn't told. I had a 3 month old baby too.

Looking back (hindsight is wonderful isn't it ?) I wish I had been stronger, I let him come and go. I should have kicked him out straight away. I
He was on his knees (literally) saying how sorry he was, how it wouldn't happen again. He was still seeing her. I was an absolute mug. Don't be me.

There is no going back. You will, you must get through this.

Original poster
Beachlives · 21/12/2022 08:08

DS1 is pretty broken 😞

Im going to tell H he can’t be here for Christmas. Had a chat with all DC and they agree that’s best. I want it to be full of silliness and fun. Won’t be if he’s here.

Its the lies, the duplicity, the lack of care and respect and the utter selfishness that I can’t get my head around.

I’ve had 2 solid red lines from the start of our relationship- there must be no violence and there must be no infidelity. He knew that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beachlives · 21/12/2022 08:11

When I say ‘ there must be’ I mean I wouldn’t tolerate it.
I’ve had friends in violent relationships and an unfaithful father.
He knows this.

OP posts:
StillDancingEvenOnTheRainyDays · 21/12/2022 08:32

Good on you and your DC
he ma we’ll say your being selfish steals Christmas from his children

at least you can laugh in his face at being the selfish one and the thief of joy

80s · 21/12/2022 09:13

It is like they have turned into a stranger, isn't it?

I had my exh around at Xmas and New Year when it was clear what was going on and it was grim. It won't be easy either with that elephant in the room, but I think you've made a good choice.

Lavenderfowl · 21/12/2022 09:29

Good decision @Beachlives you and the DC can make it a reeadonable Christmas in spite of everything, without having to deal with your DH/their dad.

I might be tempted to ask whether the DC want to see him as that way you’re not blindsided by him whining that he won’t see them, and just roll with what each of them wants/can cope with…but he’ll have to meet them elsewhere if that’s what they want to do…and they may well not.

You’re doing really well lovely, hugs xx

Lavenderfowl · 21/12/2022 09:29

Reasonable Christmas doh…

Badger1970 · 21/12/2022 09:48

I think that's the best decision. It will make him feel the consequences of his actions, and mean that you and the DC can relax without walking on eggshells.

He's no one to blame other than himself for this.

HazelBite · 21/12/2022 09:51

Don't have him with you and the DC's over Christmas, believe me despite what your DC's say/want the atmosphere will be crippling, and although Christmas will be hard, it won't be any where as hard and awful if he is present (Believe me!)

Windleberry · 21/12/2022 11:34

She hasn’t emailed. So that’s another thing to have to deal with, wondering each time I check my emails.
How about demanding your soon to be ex for her email address so you can email her to thank her profusely for helping you to see his real self and helping you to get him out of your life. At least you'll no longer have to be concerned about an incoming message from her (though I very much doubt she'll email you actually - I think that was just a threat to force his hand into confessing to you - it will backfire on her too soon enough).