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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well, here we are… another one

379 replies

Beachlives · 19/12/2022 01:12

Sitting in my car trying to process that H has just told me he’s had an affair. Fucks sake.

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 19/12/2022 19:33

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.
take time for yourself. No decision need to be made yet. 💐

Callingallskeletons · 19/12/2022 19:59

I’m sorry OP, what a fucking arsehole

EasterIssland · 19/12/2022 20:37

Hope you’re ok and managed to kick him out today

Jewel7 · 19/12/2022 21:31

I’m sorry. You deserve more. Put yourself first. Write down your feelings and take a day at a time. It may be best to be honest with your children but you don’t have to tell them everything yet. In your own time.

MsDogLady · 19/12/2022 21:37

How are you doing, Beachlives?

MamaBear65 · 19/12/2022 21:43

Hope you are ok OP

VariantHela · 19/12/2022 22:38

Sending love OP x

Original poster
Beachlives · 19/12/2022 22:43

Thanks for all the messages.

Apologies if my thread title was confusing. I meant another twattish bloke having an affair, as far as I’m aware this is the only affair he’s had.

In terms of contacting me, she hasn’t as yet. Knows my name which is unusual enough to be identifiable and yes it’s on the company website.

I’m not going to go into details on the ‘why now?’ But suffice to say there are reasons why she would threaten to tell me now. I’ve got over the feeling sorry for her moment of madness, irrespective of anything else what sort of person knowingly has an affair with a married man who she knows has children. And what sort of utter cunt threatens to do it just before Christmas. He picked a charmer didn’t he!

I do believe it’s over even though I don’t believe most of the words coming out of his mouth.

Anyway, he’s left for a few days to give some space. The older DC are now aware, overheard some of it. Utterly horrified and probably in a worse place than I am.

I feel strong. Over the past 18 months there have been times when I have been very broken. But over the past couple of months my inner strength and belief has returned. Good thing really!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beachlives · 19/12/2022 22:44

I haven’t issued any ultimatums. Am keeping my powder dry.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 19/12/2022 22:47

Just take time to absorb it.

Don't rush into any knee jerk reaction

Silvers11 · 19/12/2022 22:49

Beachlives · 19/12/2022 22:44

I haven’t issued any ultimatums. Am keeping my powder dry.

Good for you @Beachlives . You need time to process this. I'm so sorry that this has happened at any time - but even worse right now, especially when you have children. I'm glad OH has left for at least a few days to give everyone some space. Sending Hugs xx

Canthave2manycats · 19/12/2022 23:56

God help your poor kids! What an utter bastard your H is to put them (and you) through this days before Christmas!! I think you have to tell him to sling his hook, especially as they know. He has run a cart and horses through his relationship with them. I hope he takes time to reflect on the damage he has done to people he's supposed to actually, you know, love?!!

Very un-mumsnetty hugs x

howlingmoon · 19/12/2022 23:58

imagine yourself new born, hang with me, this isn't hippy crap. it is personal power and integrity, self sufficiency and non dependency. Not popular but very healthy! What are your dreams op? What would you imagine your life to be like, considering it is short and death is never too far off for any of us?
I say this to inspire courage, it happened to me, although without the other woman.

howlingmoon · 19/12/2022 23:59

what i mean to say is fuck the other woman, fuck the guy, what about YOU? What do you want, and how do you go about getting it?

MamaBear65 · 20/12/2022 00:03

I can’t help but feel that leaving for a few days to give you space is cowardly in itself… like hiding away and hoping that when he comes back, the worst will be over.

Whatever you decide to do OP, try to keep a dignified composure. Don’t give him or her the satisfaction. Stay strong xxx

BelgiumArse · 20/12/2022 00:14

Dreadful news.

I feel so sorry for you and your children, the timing is especially cruel and not something you should forget.

For the meantime, make sure you take good care of yourself, let go of the unwanted pressure, go and stay where you wish this Christmas and don't bow down to any socials that his side of the family may want.

Take your time to decide what you want, do not let others dictate any other timetable for your family.

Sorry if I've missed this but what is the ow's situation, is she single, recently separated or partnered up.

Sending strength Flowers

ChristmasBallBall · 20/12/2022 00:18

Where is he staying? Not with her I hope.

BeeAFreeBird · 20/12/2022 01:08

You are strong. You’ve definitely got this!

He sounds dreadful.

Please don’t let him off the hook by directing your anger towards her. I’m sorry if it’s upsetting but he was most likely looking for an affair. It if wasn’t her it would have been another woman. He’s the problem to focus on.

That he went about seeking an affair while you were putting effort into getting your relationship on track is contemptuous. It’s twisted that he was able to keep a straight face in that process knowing what he was up to. I hope he wasn’t getting a kick out of the hidden humiliation. Any decent person would be overwhelmed by guilt and that’s why they would confess?

It’s not ok that you’ve been broken at all never mind several times. Please, for the sake of your health and well-being, don’t learn to put up with his drama.

My best friend was in a bad relationship - the worst. She came to think of her ability to put up with more and more as a sort of strength. And it was in a way. But it meant that she endured more, and her children witnessed more, before she finally left. Your relationship doesn’t sound in the same category, but if you need your strength to survive your relationship, rather than getting strength from it, is it time to get out?

He is another one but you don’t have to be another woman who lets her husband away with it with the same old: I feel sorry for her… he’s just another silly billy who’s had his head turned… it’s because she’s a man stealer… he’s shown he’s sorry by spending a few days in the doghouse.. oh, he cheated again…

You deserve more from life.

kateandme · 20/12/2022 02:10

I get people saying don't make any knee jerk reactions.but really? The fucked needs to go surely.
For so many reasons he's broken this family apart.
He's blown trust away.hes piss taken whilst op was working through their problems and every time driving away to his mistress.thats one of the worst parts in this.how can you mock someone in that way.
I no there are kids,a home,a life but shit ok you deserve more than him.he does not deserve a life with you.and I no there s thus picture of your future and old age you had.but I wonder how that could ever be now.no matter how sorry or hard you work from now on.hes a total shithead.he doesn't deserve your years

Original poster
Beachlives · 20/12/2022 06:21

Think reality is hitting me this morning.

I really truly believed that despite all our issues, the fundamentals of trust that our relationship has always been based on was strong. How wrong I was.

A whole fucking year. The pp who said he has robbed me of choices has got it right, including for reasons I’m not going into on here but makes it so much worse.

How do I even go about finding/deciding on a divorce lawyer? Not going to jump straight in but I do want to know where I stand.

OP posts:
CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 20/12/2022 06:37

Research some divorce lawyers in your area, I think some give you a free half hour.
I really feel for you and your poor kids, he's an utter twat.
If it's over why is she threatening to tell you? If she does contact you you're under no obligation to read her email or respond.
Sending you lots of love x

Pipsquiggle · 20/12/2022 06:54

There may be a local Facebook group where you can post anonymously for recommendations. In my town, there is a useful site called 'Town name Gossip Girls' - it has over 10,000 members.

You don't even need to write a question - just search 'divorce lawyers' in the group search and loads of posts with recommendations come up

Coldhouseflowers · 20/12/2022 06:56

I have always thought the term let the rubbish take it’s self out is a good use of words, it clearly applies to him . He has shown you his true colours confessing all this days before Christmas as the girlfriend has threatened to tell you . What a selfish, despicable excuse of a man . He has given you a gift, a gift to be rid of this loser, you will triumph and he will realise the bit of fun on the side isn’t as fun as he thought. I am so sad he has put you and your family through this ❤️

SockGoddess · 20/12/2022 07:24

For lawyers, ask divorced and separated people you know, if possible, to get the best recommendations. Though I wasn’t married to my ex, we used lawyers to draw up a settlement and having a brilliant, kick-ass, child-focused, female lawyer made a big difference to me feeling strong and supported, even though I only saw her quite briefly a couple of times.

You’re right to be so angry OP, it’s not just the cheating but the stringing you along and lying when you were making an effort in good faith. Keep posting if it helps.

Meseekslookatme · 20/12/2022 07:44

Fraaahnces · 19/12/2022 04:05

Please tell all your friends and family. Don’t protect him. He’s the one who’s been a dick.

I did.
It gave me power back.
Plus I enjoyed every second knowing how gutted he would be that his wonderful, carefully created persona was being stripped away.

Then revenge fucked his best mate after we split, but that's another story

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