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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please talk to me I’m heartbroken

141 replies

indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 15:28

this might be long so I do apologise.
been best friends with a guy from work for around 14 years, during lockdown he was seeing a girl from work for around a year, went tits up me and him got closer and started sleeping together after a very drunk night out about a year ago, saw him once or twice a week since then and became fwb, saw him last Monday and since then he’s ghosted me, tried ringing etc which isn’t unusual as we speak on the phone every night. Found out last night he asked another girl out on Friday and that’s why he’s had no contact, I’ve lost my best friend of 14 years over some girl he’s known literally days. I can’t stop crying he was all I had, I do t see or speak to anyone other than him and now I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 18/12/2022 15:33

‘Some girl’ was probably concerned about your relationship.

I would be. Imagine meeting a guy, he tells you he has a fuck buddy, then the fuck buddy wants to carry on?

If he meant that much to you you’d have formed a proper relationship. If he doesn’t mean that much to you then let him go.

Eatentoomanyroses · 18/12/2022 15:35

You’re going to have to toughen up a lot to win with men. Your boundaries sound weak and your self esteem on the floor. You’ve let him treat you as an option, always available, fall back girl. That won’t ever change. Ever. Chalk it up to bad experience and move on but do better for yourself. You have to be very strict and give time to men that treat you like a queen. How old are you? You sound young. Move jobs if you can, take up lots of hobbies, meet new people, buy yourself a copy of The Rules for dating and you’ll see where you’ve gone wrong.

Wayk · 18/12/2022 15:38

I know how you feel, it is awful.I was in your position 4 years ago. I cried for weeks. It takes time but you will feel better.

Itsthewhitehat · 18/12/2022 15:38

If you wanted more why did you go along with FWB?

It’s Very poor, he hasn’t told you to your face, rather than disappearing. So sorry you are hurting.

layladomino · 18/12/2022 15:41

Can you work on the fact that he was all you had? Do you have friends, workmates, potential new friends? Family you can rely on?

Build yourself up and build up your friendships.

Forget him. He was a dead end. For now, force yourself not to contact him. He won't think any better of you if you look distaright and keep trying to talk to him. And you feel worse about yourself. Hold your head high and remember you are worth more than he treated you.

Original poster
indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 15:42

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 18/12/2022 15:33

‘Some girl’ was probably concerned about your relationship.

I would be. Imagine meeting a guy, he tells you he has a fuck buddy, then the fuck buddy wants to carry on?

If he meant that much to you you’d have formed a proper relationship. If he doesn’t mean that much to you then let him go.

She has nothing to be concerned about, I just want my friend back the one I can ring and cry to after a bad day and who tags me in daft memes, don’t know why he has to cut me off, and no one knows we was fwb we had to hide it because of work, so not sure why he’d tell her, and I don’t want to carry on with him, I just want my friend back.

OP posts:
Flowereatday · 18/12/2022 15:43

It crossed the friendship line. Did you want a relationship with him?

Jellybean23 · 18/12/2022 15:44

Although you say you were FWB, did you want more? In reality, was he your boyfriend but he didn't know it? He obviously wants a partner and has been looking around.

Original poster
indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 15:44

Itsthewhitehat · 18/12/2022 15:38

If you wanted more why did you go along with FWB?

It’s Very poor, he hasn’t told you to your face, rather than disappearing. So sorry you are hurting.

im not very pretty or have a nice body, he would never say it but I genuinely believe that’s the reason we was never more, he deffo has a type and it’s not me.

OP posts:
Original poster
indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 15:46

Yes, I did it took a while but I did end up falling for him, I never told him though because I was scared of frightening him off or making it awkward and losing him.

OP posts:
GibKev · 18/12/2022 15:46

Hey. My best friend is being messed about by her guy. He is a druggy from Albania who never lets her do anything or talk to anyone. She has now ended it but feels his behaviour was her fault.

So you are not the only one hurting.

You need to speak to the guy and lay it on the table.

If he says no, itll suck but you can move on.

Why be second place to someone?

MyBooksAndMyCats · 18/12/2022 15:46

Sorry but you two crossed the line that is nearly impossible to go back to being friends after.

He wasn't a very good friend to use you for years & then ghost you. You need to see it for what it is. He didn't care about you. Flowers

KateofGhent · 18/12/2022 15:51

layladomino · 18/12/2022 15:41

Can you work on the fact that he was all you had? Do you have friends, workmates, potential new friends? Family you can rely on?

Build yourself up and build up your friendships.

Forget him. He was a dead end. For now, force yourself not to contact him. He won't think any better of you if you look distaright and keep trying to talk to him. And you feel worse about yourself. Hold your head high and remember you are worth more than he treated you.

Wise words from layladomino, he won't think better of you, or any woman who is needy. I know you are hurting but pretend he is just a cardboard cut out at work and ignore him or grey rock him.

Original poster
indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 15:56

I’m early 30’s he helped me through my relationship breakup (dv) and promised he’d always be there for me, I was literally at me lowest and he got me back from breaking point, I have no other friends and only my mother who I don’t get in with I has a very strained and limited relationship with her.
I started my new job last Monday, (the day i last saw him) we had a few drinks to celebrate so haven’t made any friends yet.

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 18/12/2022 16:06

promised he’d always be there for me

He shouldn't have promised that as he's not and wasn't, your boyfriend. You need to make some new friends and move on from your friend in a romantic sense. He clearly doesn't feel the same about you and you need to move on from him.

Original poster
indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 16:14

He wasn’t my boyfriend but there’s a side to him only I saw, cuddling on the sofa, holding hands in bed and kissing my forehead before I went to work, stroking my hair when I’m falling asleep, so although he wasn’t my boyfriend he was more than just my friend, and he always said he loved been single, he goes out drinking with his footy mates Friday night and doesn’t come back till Monday morning most weekends, so as far as I knew he didn’t want to look for anything more serious, which is partly why I always kept my feeling to myself and partly cos I knew he’d reject me.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 18/12/2022 16:19

I'm really sorry but this man is not your friend.

He sounds like a total user.

I hope you heal from this. Do not let him back in your bed again.

butterfliedtwo · 18/12/2022 16:24

You were convenient. He played you after you slept with him. Sorry, but it's true: don't ever make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.

Pinkbluebells · 18/12/2022 16:27

Oh dear. That's the problem with sleeping with friends. I once woke up and realised that I was doing a job I hated, in a city I didn't like with no family around, my flatmates were annoying as hell, and the man I was seeing was as mean as Scrooge.

I looked for another job and got something much better. I gave Scrooge the boot. I moved flats. I was happier and got asked out a bit more. I tried to make the most of myself - spent a bit of money on my hair, make up, bought some slightly sexier clothes. I met my wonderful husband two years later. You just need to think you are totally worthy of a great relationship.

Nancydrawn · 18/12/2022 16:33

indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 15:44

im not very pretty or have a nice body, he would never say it but I genuinely believe that’s the reason we was never more, he deffo has a type and it’s not me.

Show quote history

You don't deserve bad treatment because you don't look a certain way, OP. You're worth more than that.

mommatoone · 18/12/2022 17:11

OP - you do not deserve to be second best to him or anyone else.
Good luck in your new job , be confident and im sure you will find some lovely friends who.dont care what you look like or what body shape you are. 💐

lightand · 18/12/2022 17:15

You and him were friends.

You dont have anyone else in your life.
You maybe need to take the advice of @Pinkbluebells

Original poster
indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 17:28

I don’t know how much more I can cry, my heads banging. I just feel like someone’s punched me in the stomach and feel sick everytime I think of him holding her the way he did me.

OP posts:
Octo5 · 18/12/2022 17:35

You say yourself you were only fwb so it was inevitable he was going to find someone else.

It is very poor that he has ghosted you and didn’t have the balls to tell you.
But tbh it sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet.

He was there when you needed him.
He made you feel good and you had fun.
Be ok with that.

Now it’s time to find someone who wants a proper relationship.

Have you tried OLD?
You are fragile right now but OLD may take your mind off of him.
Just remember there are some dicks on there too.

Itsthewhitehat · 18/12/2022 17:41

indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 15:44

im not very pretty or have a nice body, he would never say it but I genuinely believe that’s the reason we was never more, he deffo has a type and it’s not me.

Show quote history

Then he wasn’t a friend. A friend wouldn’t be sleeping with a woman he is ashamed to be seen in public with.

He wouldn’t act so affectionately and so lovingly and then just ghost you. He wouldn’t treat you like a girlfriend behind closed doors and then just disappear.

You deserve someone who truly loves you. Who is proud to be with you. You deserve more than him.