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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please talk to me I’m heartbroken

141 replies

indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 15:28

this might be long so I do apologise.
been best friends with a guy from work for around 14 years, during lockdown he was seeing a girl from work for around a year, went tits up me and him got closer and started sleeping together after a very drunk night out about a year ago, saw him once or twice a week since then and became fwb, saw him last Monday and since then he’s ghosted me, tried ringing etc which isn’t unusual as we speak on the phone every night. Found out last night he asked another girl out on Friday and that’s why he’s had no contact, I’ve lost my best friend of 14 years over some girl he’s known literally days. I can’t stop crying he was all I had, I do t see or speak to anyone other than him and now I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 01:36

Also other posters are correct. He will come by again trying to use you.

If it helps harness your anger for power to do what you need to do.

Be angry he ghosted you. What kind of friend does that? What kind of friend uses you like that? You were good enough for him to sexually and emotionally engage with, why aren’t you good enough for a common courtesy?

Lastly, he’s done you a favor in that you now have a rare chance to slip out of his clutches to work on yourself.

He won’t ever be your boyfriend. You know deep down you can never trust him like before, you’ll know he is capable of ghosting you. It’ll be in the back of your mind always.

He will be back. I am hopeful you’ll be strong enough to not be there waiting when he does.

PS You can be overweight or whatever and still be a damn good catch. You can still be beautiful, intelligent, and everything wonderful under the sun. Your low self worth makes you put yourself on a discount… but it’s not reality. Plenty of women with extra weight have wonderful confidence and plenty of very fit women are treated like dirt.

Once you accept your full value you’ll be in the crowd of high value women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds. It’s a crowd that you can belong to today. No weight loss needed. No bullshit game playing user men needed either, in fact they don’t even get through the door.

HappyAxolotl · 20/12/2022 02:21

Of course you are hurting. That man was your friend for 14 years so you knew him well and trusted him, cared for him and believed he cared for you, and now you've found out he isn't the person you thought he was. That's a big betrayal and a sad loss.

In future, don't sleep with a friend unless you are prepared to lose the friendship. Be upfront and honest with the next guy about wanting a real relationship. Don't expect an FWB thing to become a proper relationship and don't start an FWB unless you are sure that is all you want.

Moser85 · 20/12/2022 05:09

indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 23:22

The way I took it was, if we tried to make a go of it and it didn’t work out, we’d lose our friendship full stop there’s be no going back, maybe that’s not what he meant and it was an excuse to say without saying he’s just not that into me. 🤔

Men don't think like this. If they want to be with someone they won't let her go, they also don't worry about ruining friendship versus taking a chance.

He's a user and not a true friend, a true friend would not have ghosted you.

JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 05:14

Moser85 · 20/12/2022 05:09

Men don't think like this. If they want to be with someone they won't let her go, they also don't worry about ruining friendship versus taking a chance.

He's a user and not a true friend, a true friend would not have ghosted you.

So true.

They will worry about you being snapped up. This is a true thing.

You need to understand that just because he doesn’t value you doesn’t mean you lack value OP.

BMW6 · 20/12/2022 11:11

I think he realised that you love him in the romantic sense and he doesn't feel the same way about you, so has pulled away completely to be kind.

If he continued the "friendship" you'd still hold a candle for him wouldn't you.

He's doing the best thing for you this way. It hurts like hell but you WILL get over it and could then move on and find the right one for you.

Dello · 20/12/2022 22:32

When your colleague said “he does like a trophy” I really don’t think she meant there is anything wrong with you.

I thinks she meant he is superficial/shallow. This is not a good character trait.

Niblo · 21/12/2022 01:49

indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 15:42

She has nothing to be concerned about, I just want my friend back the one I can ring and cry to after a bad day and who tags me in daft memes, don’t know why he has to cut me off, and no one knows we was fwb we had to hide it because of work, so not sure why he’d tell her, and I don’t want to carry on with him, I just want my friend back.

I understand you are friends but in a real world she does have something to worry about, he has been sleeping with you for this long which means you are not exactly just friends and that is where the problems lay. Once you cross that boundary and a partner finds out about a sexual relationship then jealousy forms, especially a sexual relationship that only ended recently

Itsthewhitehat · 21/12/2022 06:25

indigosparkle · 19/12/2022 00:37

So we always ring each other same time every night I just sit staring at my phone from 8 o’clock onwards waiting for a phone call that never comes. Any attempts I’ve made to ring him just ring out to voicemail. I’ve left texts apologising I case I’ve pissed him or or upset him and he’s just left them all unread, and I know he has a different ringtone/text alert for me than everyone else so he knows it’s me ringing him.

But that’s the point. You say she doesn’t have anything to worry about. Maybe she isn’t worried. She likely doesn’t know the details, if she knows of you at all.

But realistically, how many people (men or women) would be happy with their boyfriend/girlfriend having a nightly call with a friend of the opposite sex. A friend who they would regularly have sex with. A friend who they regularly had sex with who phones them to cry when they had a bad day, tagging eachother in memes and call each other every night and so on.

If you met someone, I can imagine they wouldn’t be happy with that either. It’s unrealistic to expect the level of contact to continue, once one of you met someone.

And, I mean this kindly, you would never have pursued anything with anyone else while he was still in the background. You would have never moved on, on your own. In the end, this is good for you. Though it doesn’t feel it now.

greekalphabet · 21/12/2022 07:12

indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 22:31

It physically hurts man it really does, I’ve never gone through feelings like this before because when I left my ex, there were no feelings there, I had stayed for the kids, I had mentally left that relationship years before I physically left, so this hits different and it’s hit me hard.

You've said that you stayed with your ex for the kids but you haven't mentioned them in any other posts. Do they live with you now and had they met this guy at all?

Like others have said, all you can do now is try to accept that this wasn't the man you thought or hoped that he was. He wasn't a good man and he doesn't deserve you. He's moved on and, painful as it is right now, it's time for you to do the same.

You have a new job to concentrate on and the chance to start a new chapter in your life. You deserve a lot more than this guy was offering. Good luck Flowers

Herejustforthisone · 21/12/2022 09:57

I hate to read about a woman so damaged and with such low self esteem that she is not only pining after this clear user, that she wishes she’d tried harder for him.

indigosparkle · 21/12/2022 18:21

Yes they live with me and go the their dads 2 nights a week, they know I have a friend from work called Mikey and have heard me talk to him on the phone and know him to say hello to but that’s all, I have never had him here when it’s my night with the kids, always plan it for the 2 ‘child free’ nights

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 21/12/2022 18:30

If anyone sent me a text with "luv" and ya instead of you I'd think they were a bit gormless.

pompomdaisy · 21/12/2022 19:30

You should have kept it platonic. Can't have yer cake and eat it.

indigosparkle · 15/08/2023 11:17

So it happened….. they’ve split up, he messaged me on Friday, saying ‘are you free to talk? I think I’ve got some explaining to do.’
we spoke on the phone for around an hour, he was telling me she made him cut all contact, she was insanely jealous of me, he cut me off to keep her happy. Told him it’s not what he did that hurt, it’s the way he did it, said he was sorry from the bottom of his heart. I heard through our mutual friends he was really down, threating suicide over the weekend, he can’t live without her etc so I messaged him Sunday night to make sure he was ok and he said ‘do you fancy coming for a drink and to keep me conpany?’ I ended up going round and slept with him.
next morning he wakes me up at the crack of dawn says you need to go, she’s in her way round to collect her stuff and she’ll kick off if she knows you’ve been here.
so last night I rang out mutual friend cos I know they spoken earlier in the day and just asked ‘how did it go with ‘Clare’ to be told, she never was going round to get her stuff? I don’t know why he would lie about it.

OP posts:
dontforgettofloss · 15/08/2023 11:24

Please cut him off, he's using you, you deserve better

Whattodowithit88 · 15/08/2023 11:37

His using you! He just wanted a shag and company. If she comes back, he will drop you again, he doesn’t care about you, you are not his friend. You shouldn’t have slept with him, big mistake!!! Now you just look easy and desperate, this guy makes you feel like shit, cut him off and raise your standards. You really need to look into this and try and work through it because at the minute it’s you who is letting this happen.

heartbroken22 · 15/08/2023 13:17

He's just using you im so sorry to tell you that. Move on and find someone worth your time and treats you like a queen. Cut all contact and do a runner.

heartbroken22 · 15/08/2023 13:19

Tell him he needs to grow the f up and stop using women. So when it's convenient he turns to other woman and when it goes tits up he comes to you. He'll hurt you so much more if you stay in touch with him.

WantingToEducate · 15/08/2023 13:26

Open your eyes OP.

He was always just using you for sex.
He is still using you for sex.

I can’t believe after all this time that he rang you up, obviously just wanting sex but pretended he “needed to talk”, and you went along with it and slept with him 🙄

Please just tell him to fuck off!

And then work on upping your self respect and realising what you are worth and what you do and don’t deserve.

Itsthewhitehat · 15/08/2023 13:31

Op you knew except what you were going round for. Why did you go?

Why did you even reply to his text?

While mutual friends told you he was saying he couldn’t live without her.

You do realise that she probably didn’t make him cut you off. He just didn’t want to tell you he was seeing her and wasn’t going to sleep with you anymore.

He lies straight to you, to get you out of his flag because he didn’t want to have an awkward conversation of ‘I know we just had sex, but this isn’t going anywhere’ with you.

2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps · 15/08/2023 13:46

Jeezus, have a look for your self respect.

roses321 · 15/08/2023 16:12

FML, I really do want to shake you.

Right so.

  1. This problem you've got isn't about him, it's about you. You have NOSELFESTEEM. Absolutely none. Do you even like yourself? If this was happening to your best friend and you were stood on the side lines watching her cry and watching him do this to her what would you advice be to her? You need to start being your own best friend here.
  2. you seem to be of the view that he has your best interests at heart and let me assure you, he does not. He is an opportunist plain and simple so please for the love of God stop making excuses for him.

Honestly, time to get with the program here and learn the rules - men like this are not looking for anything except sex and an opportunity and if you give it to them then they will take take take and take more.

That is what is happening here and that is who this "hero" is. A clown with a crown.

indigosparkle · 15/08/2023 16:46

I love him, and if I can only have him 30 minutes now and again, I’ll take that rather then not having him at all.
I just wish he knew how I felt about him.

OP posts:
WhichEllie · 15/08/2023 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

indigosparkle · 15/08/2023 17:02

Of course I think the world of my children, but I can’t exactly sit in a pub with them or have a social life involving them can I?
no I’m not lying, I have nothing to lie about, children are draining all children, even yours and when I don’t have them I would rather not be staring at the same 4 walls that I have done all week, so yes in terms of friends and getting out of the house he is all I had.
I don’t get on with my mother she’s an abusive toxic arsehole.

OP posts: