Please talk to me I’m heartbroken

[indigosparkle]

this might be long so I do apologise.
been best friends with a guy from work for around 14 years, during lockdown he was seeing a girl from work for around a year, went tits up me and him got closer and started sleeping together after a very drunk night out about a year ago, saw him once or twice a week since then and became fwb, saw him last Monday and since then he’s ghosted me, tried ringing etc which isn’t unusual as we speak on the phone every night. Found out last night he asked another girl out on Friday and that’s why he’s had no contact, I’ve lost my best friend of 14 years over some girl he’s known literally days. I can’t stop crying he was all I had, I do t see or speak to anyone other than him and now I’ve lost him.

everytime I would be with him the conversation always turned to what he’d been up to that weekend and how he would always have ‘stunning girls’ that would chat him up on nights out, and how he turned them down because he was happy been single, and wasn’t interested in them. 🤔

you Need to acknowledge what this is which is a break up. No matter how much you both pretended you weren't a couple you were and now he's changed his mind and hasn't done you the courtesy of telling you. He's an arsehole and he's not your friend. Grieve the relationship that you had; it fucking hurts. But he's not going to be that friend or that person to you again.

It physically hurts man it really does, I’ve never gone through feelings like this before because when I left my ex, there were no feelings there, I had stayed for the kids, I had mentally left that relationship years before I physically left, so this hits different and it’s hit me hard.

he said, ‘no we’re too close now, we’ve gone to far, if she’d have asked me 6 months then maybe, but not now it’s too much to lose

I don't understand this. You are too close now? What did he mean??? And what did he have to lose??

The way I took it was, if we tried to make a go of it and it didn’t work out, we’d lose our friendship full stop there’s be no going back, maybe that’s not what he meant and it was an excuse to say without saying he’s just not that into me. 🤔

I completely understand what you’re going through.
As much as you say you weren’t a couple, you seen him as a boyfriend and he seen you two as having a bit of fun and using each other. He thought if you as a friend he messed about with and to him, probably didn’t realise he was saying and doing things that would make you feel there was something more to it.

It will take time but you will move on from this. Yes he was there at a time when you needed someone but he should have stayed a platonic friend if he didn’t see a future with you. In time you will see that what he did was in fact cruel, he used you when you were down and not in a good place.

Right now take the time to cry, spend tonight looking over messages but tomorrow try delete them. Keep his number but don’t try message him. I know you say you have no one else just now but you have everyone here online to chat to. You will start to make new friends at work and will move on from him.

He isn’t worth it, he didn’t have the decency to tell toy that he was chatting to anyone else or wanting to see anyone else. Even if he didn’t have feelings for you, he was your friend and should have realised that he needed to tell you. He’s a coward and instead of being honest, he’s hiding it. His new girlfriend won’t want him being around you, she will feel too insecure. Both you and her deserve better, you deserve someone who isn’t using you and she deserves a guy who is decent and honest. He will eventually come crawling back but don’t ever lower yourself to him.

So when my old manager found out I was leaving, she sat me down asked why I was leaving and if there’s anything they could do to make me stay. (Old Job has a huge staff turnaround) i don’t want to mention what job we did/do in case someone recognises me.

so I told her everything that I’d been sleeping with him it had gotten awkward at work, I’d fallen for him, (he was my manager) rumours had started going round about us and it was just time to leave. Her exact worlds were ‘for fucks sake indigo, you seriously need to raise your standards, he’s using you,’ I just told her that’s it’s not like that and when she found out it’s been going on a year she said to me well why hasn’t it gone any further in a year and I told her I think it’s because I’m fat, she said yeah I can see that, he does like a trophy doesn’t he. So maybe that is the reason and everyone thinks the same thing. I am trying desperately to lose a bit more weight (I’m a 16) I just wish I’d have tried harder for him.

When was this conversation? She may have said something to him or other colleague and he has taken flight.
I was in a relationship like this in my teens/ early twenties. Broke my heart and even now my self esteem is effected. No advice other than to let him go and look into some counselling to work on your self esteem.

21st November and I left at the end of that week, she told me everything I said would be in confidence and she also knows pretty much every detail about my ex and that breakup and never breathed a word to anyone so I don’t think she’s told him cos I’ve seen him about 4/5 times since then and last week.

If he was a real friend he'll be back in touch.

But either way he's been using you for sex- I wouldn't suggest letting him carry on doing that. It's not nice and it'll also be stopping you moving forward in your life.

So we always ring each other same time every night I just sit staring at my phone from 8 o’clock onwards waiting for a phone call that never comes. Any attempts I’ve made to ring him just ring out to voicemail. I’ve left texts apologising I case I’ve pissed him or or upset him and he’s just left them all unread, and I know he has a different ringtone/text alert for me than everyone else so he knows it’s me ringing him.

Make some friends.

Buy a notebook.

Start planning a life that revolves around you.

You can also use the notebook to reflect on your feelings for him in a structured way to stop these circular thoughts.

This was a mistake.

When you're ready, ask yourself why you made it and what you need to change about yourself so you don't repeat it.

I feel sad for you that you think this is acceptable. This guy makes you feel like you're not pretty enough or skinny enough, he won't call you his girlfriend or introduce you to friends as his girlfriend but he'll get into your bed every night. You wait for him to call you, beg him by text and he just ignores you...and you want him back.

It's completely unacceptable behaviour. As a friend or a boyfriend. It's not kind or caring or selfless or protective. A real boyfriend should make you feel a million dollars, complement you, be proud to show you off, want to care for you and see you happy.

It sounds like you need to learn to love yourself first and then you can find a partner who will treat you properly and you won't stand for anything less.

As difficult as it is to accept, the reality is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

I know it hurts, but what would you gain from remaining friends with him? You will always want more than he has to offer, and you will just continue to hurt.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to not see him again. It will be hard at first, but eventually, you will start to think about him less and less. Fill your life with other things and always remember that he was a shit for using you. You are better than that.

This was a relationship and you're going through a breakup. It doesn't sound anything like friends with benefits. It sounds like you fell for a guy who doesn't love you back.

I'm so sorry, I think you have been treated terribly. Especially finding out he is your manager ( unless he wasn't when this all started). You have been in an awkward position even if you didn't realise it for a long time. I wonder if early on you felt like you needed to keep going with Fwb incase it made a bad atmosphere in work not to etc

What's Albania got to do with your friend's unfortunate situation?

Could you imagine yourself saying 'my friend is being messed around by someone from Middlesbrough'

Oh love. It's not you, it's not what you look like.

It was all bullshit, he said the right things to get a regular shag. If he loved you he would be with you. Men don't fuck about like all that "it's gone too far" shit. He just wanted a shag and some company.

You need to let this one go.

He lives there. He went to UK illegally for a drug business and went it went wrong moved back.

He makes Middlesbrough guys look like gods!

I know your boss said everything is in confidence but they may have a work place romance policy in which HR would need to speak to him as he is in a more senior position. They have have just reminded him to be professional or may have given him a more of a verbal warning. None of that is your concern though.

Im sorry but the more you explain about this guy the more I think he is absolutely awful. He did nothing to build your self esteem. He used you when you were at your lowest and has made you feel as though you don’t deserve him. To me he is a loser, he is an idiot and he’s definitely not anything special.
As hard as it is to see right now, this is actually a blessing. You don’t deserve to be hidden away, used and not appreciated for who you are.

I think you need to speak to someone regarding your self esteem and work on yourself for a while. Please don’t try contact him again and when he eventually crawls back into your life, hopefully you’ll be in a better place to just ignore him.

It’s shit, it hurts.
But it’s happened.

Give yourself today to feel sad and cry and feel sorry for yourself.
Then block him and move on. Do not contact him again.

Tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start.
Don’t waste any more of your time in him.

There will come a time when he’s had an argument or broken up with his gf and he’s going to want a shag.
You need to be strong enough to turn around and say no and not be used.

Focus on what you want in life.
If you want to lose weight then start now.
Declutter your house - sell stuff for Xmas.
Buy some new clothes in the January sales.
Look for a new job.

As a PP said write down what you want and how you’re going to achieve it.

definitely go no contact with him, which will be so much easier now you arent working with him. It will get easier in time.

yep funny how he blocked you after you left the place you work together, makes me think he was just waiting for this to happen to finish it altogether as it would have been awkward if you were still working together.

Oh sweetheart, how horrible for you. You sound like a wonderful and loving person and I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time.
The messages you gave as an example of his being romantic do sound quite "matey" though, even down to him calling you mate. Not trying to be mean, just it's worth being aware of this stuff so you don't get sucked in again. And he will try to do that, when his current squeeze gets fed up with him x
You do say he's all you had. Not blaming you for that; I've done the same. But you know yourself it's not a great idea to rely too much on one person. I'm sure once you get to know your new work mates you'll make new friends, and it probably is worth trying to expand your social circle a bit, even if it feels like you don't want to right now!
All the best with everything, you sound great and we are all here for you x

@indigosparkle just wanted to say that you're not on your own feeling absolutely heartbroken right now.
I've been dropped and have never felt this sad, miserable and lonely. My H left at the start of the year and I felt nothing like this. Very similar to you I'd mentally checked out months before and was actually quite relieved when he left.

I am finding that a lot of people are telling me to block him, chin up and move on. I feel it's impossible, I'm going to my gp tomorrow as I can't function.

I hope you're ok, it really is bloody awful x

It is important for you to feel your feelings. It can be a great shock if you are ghosted by anyone under any circumstances and another to be ghosted by someone you trusted as a fixture in your life.

Many mistakes were made. Many.

But I am going to implore you to forget about that now and to do the following:

GO NO CONTACT. This means no calling him. No looking at texts. No looking on social media. No posting on social media. No contacting mutual friends looking for intel. (Even the most well meaning people will mess up no contact and let him know you’re still a mess waiting for him)

I don’t care how you feel about him. I don’t care if you’d take him into your arms if he showed up at your door.

GO NO CONTACT. ZERO.

You are feeling your feelings but let me tell you why this is the best way to go moving forward:

• You will stop lowering your value by chasing. Even if you don’t feel you have value, I need you to PRETEND like you do. Because attraction isn’t ever sparked by pity or duty. You have left messages, you have done your bit. It is in his hands now and every time you contact him OR bother friends about him, you are making it easier to stay away from you.
• You will detox. He has you on schedule and it’s hard to not want those goodnight calls. It’s tough to detox from these things and you need to do it right away. You have to get to a point where you are fine without it. You have to be OK without it because that’s healthy ok? You can make this almost your choice if you go no contact.
• Going no contact will mean you’ll have time and anxious energy on your hands. You can use it to do healthy things that up your value and your heath. Gym, meal planning, friend time… You need time to sort yourself out.

You don’t believe in your value right now which makes you a VERY easy target to be taken advantage of. You need to believe in your value enough to take control and seek the help needed so that you feel good about you. You deserve to feel you are enough!

This man was never your friend. If it makes you feel better you are mourning and missing a lie. He acted like a boyfriend but he wasn’t. You deserve a real boyfriend. Someone who wants YOU.

I too have felt the shame of feeling like I wasn’t enough. The lamenting. But in your most logical mind I hope you see that it’s not about his view of you, it’s about your view of yourself.

If you are still reading I will BEG and PLEAD with you to go no contact. It is the only way. I promise he will contact you again, much faster once you go no contact. The goal is that in that time you’ll be able to detox and raise your own self worth… that you’ll see he was a user, forgive yourself, and move on gaining power from within yourself.

You have value. You have worth. You deserve more than crumbs from a liars table. You have a power inside you that you have yet to accept. This is your time to change your life for the better.