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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please talk to me I’m heartbroken

141 replies

indigosparkle · 18/12/2022 15:28

this might be long so I do apologise.
been best friends with a guy from work for around 14 years, during lockdown he was seeing a girl from work for around a year, went tits up me and him got closer and started sleeping together after a very drunk night out about a year ago, saw him once or twice a week since then and became fwb, saw him last Monday and since then he’s ghosted me, tried ringing etc which isn’t unusual as we speak on the phone every night. Found out last night he asked another girl out on Friday and that’s why he’s had no contact, I’ve lost my best friend of 14 years over some girl he’s known literally days. I can’t stop crying he was all I had, I do t see or speak to anyone other than him and now I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
itsallnewnow · 15/08/2023 17:03

This is honestly one of the saddest things I've ever read, you need proper therapy you deserve so much better than this sad sack using you to get his dick wet

Liv999 · 15/08/2023 17:03

indigosparkle · 15/08/2023 16:46

I love him, and if I can only have him 30 minutes now and again, I’ll take that rather then not having him at all.
I just wish he knew how I felt about him.

Then there's nothing anyone can do for you, sorry Op but if you're not going to listen to the advice on here and find some self respect there's no point looking for any, he won't change and neither will you by the looks of it

Itsthewhitehat · 15/08/2023 17:08

indigosparkle · 15/08/2023 16:46

I love him, and if I can only have him 30 minutes now and again, I’ll take that rather then not having him at all.
I just wish he knew how I felt about him.

He knows. He doesn’t feel the same.

As harsh as it is, you are filler. Some that gets a ‘what you doing?’ Text when he feels lonely.

You don’t love him. You love the idea of what it would be like if he has real feelings for you. You are in love with a fantasy of what things would be like.

You deserve more than the scraps He is offering between relationships.

Hiddenvoice · 15/08/2023 17:09

op I’m really sorry to say this but he’s only messaged you to hook up. He’s used you. To him, you are only a fwb, he doesn’t have feelings and doesn’t want a relationship with you. He lied about her coming over because he wanted you out his house as soon as possible.

If he cared he wouldn’t have messaged as soon as he was dumped, he would have focussed on making himself a better person and confessed his feelings for you .

Instead he used you as an ego boost and then moped about the ex all weekend.

Please please please put yourself first and get some emotional support. Speak to a gp or therapist and get some therapy.

I know you love him but you don’t deserve this life and the more you allow him to use you then the more you become a doormat and allow yourself to get hurt.

You can be incontrol of this. No one thinks he’s a catch and no one thinks he’s the right person for you. Be in control and block him. Don’t let him use you again. This isn’t love.

Itsthewhitehat · 15/08/2023 17:15

indigosparkle · 15/08/2023 17:02

Of course I think the world of my children, but I can’t exactly sit in a pub with them or have a social life involving them can I?
no I’m not lying, I have nothing to lie about, children are draining all children, even yours and when I don’t have them I would rather not be staring at the same 4 walls that I have done all week, so yes in terms of friends and getting out of the house he is all I had.
I don’t get on with my mother she’s an abusive toxic arsehole.

It’s really not a case of have only him, for snippets of time or have no social life.

If your mother is a toxic person, you need therapy. Because your relationship with her is likely one of the reasons you have put up with him treating you so badly.

Being a single parent is hard. I know, I have done it. It doesn’t mean you need to put up with someone who treats you so badly.

The man has a ex with you then woke you up and made you leave immediately by lying to you. Does it sounds like he actually cares about you at all?

Do you not feel humiliated by that?

Turquoisesea · 15/08/2023 17:24

He’s just a user and just wants a shag when he’s got no one else and you are available. You are in your 30s not a teenager, start having some self respect and self love. He’s no friend of yours, he just says the right things to be able to get his leg over. He will meet someone and drop you like a ton of bricks again then you will feel even worse. He must know how you feel about him as you are always available whenever he clicks his fingers. If he genuinely cared about you he would have explained why he dropped you last time, apologised but wouldn’t have had sex with you. Best thing you could do is cut contact completely.

roses321 · 15/08/2023 17:26

Girl you need to get a grip and i'm sorry for being harsh but you do.

The problem here is you. He's all you have? Because you've gone out and made what life for yourself exactly? Without him you're staring at 4 walls apparently... so you'd rather stare at the ceiling with your legs akimbo while he uses your body like a blow up doll. Nice. A great example to your children.

I was engaged 3 months ago, I had a house and I had to leave that home and get a room share, have no children at 39 and was treated like dirt and then forced out of my house by a bully who promised he loved me. I did sit and feel sorry for myself for a while, too right, but life is what you make it and if you're not prepared to get off your ass, go and do something constructive and fulfilling, listen to the advice here and instead put all your self worth and validation as a human being on a man who basically uses you then there's no helping you.

Go read some of the other stories on here of women and the lives they have made for themselves. If you want to delude yourself that he was your "best friend" then you need to take a long hard look at what a "best friend" really is, because best friends certainly don't do what yours is doing. They don't lie to you, use you and take advantage of you at your lowest.

I'm sorry but you can do better and you owe it to yourself and your children to do better.

Zanatdy · 15/08/2023 17:53

This is really sad. I know you’ll go running if he comes again. Far better would be to tell him sorry you’re unavailable, if he really wants you he will come. Sadly I agree he’s just using you, what an arsehole

justme2022 · 15/08/2023 17:58

indigosparkle · 15/08/2023 16:46

I love him, and if I can only have him 30 minutes now and again, I’ll take that rather then not having him at all.
I just wish he knew how I felt about him.

He knows exactly how you feel and he knows you will come running every time he clicks his fingers.
He's using you to boost the ego that his ex battered and you are letting him do that at the expense of yourself and your own esteem.
If one of your kids is a girl how would you feel if when she's an adult she thinks all she is worth is a shag and getting kicked out the house afterwards? Because I would be heartbroken if you were my daughter and you thought that was all you were good for.

WantingToEducate · 15/08/2023 17:58

Oh God Op. It just gets worse.

I would talk about a “friends with benefits” type of relationship but you aren’t even friends…..so I don’t know how to describe your “relationship” …..

HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU.
HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU.
HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.
HE PICKS YOU UP AND DROPS YOU WHENEVER HE WANTS.
HE VIEWS YOU AS NOTHING BUT A VAGINA TO USE WHEN THERE’S NO OTHER OPTION.
HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU.

Why on earth are you allowing this?
Is this seriously all you think you deserve?

I don’t know how to define what’s going on but what I do know is that it’s certainly not love.

Bottal · 15/08/2023 20:48

He is a manipulator and is abusing you and your body OP. You're being abused.

BMW6 · 15/08/2023 21:05

Of course he knows how you feel about him! He knows you'll take any crumbs from him no matter what he does to hurt you.

I feel sorry for your children.

GorillaInBikini · 15/08/2023 21:15

Wait he was your MANAGER? And he has been sleeping with you, stringing you along, kicked you to the curb for a new fling then lied to you?

Do you not see what an absolute piece of shit he is? Why do you think the size of your jeans has any relevance to your worthiness as a human being?

roses321 · 15/08/2023 21:39

Bottal · 15/08/2023 20:48

He is a manipulator and is abusing you and your body OP. You're being abused.

Don't quite agree with this. She's being manipulated but she's allowing it. I don't see it as abuse if it's consensual and she's actually chasing after it. She is an adult and she's allowing this and going after it. I can't see any form of abuse from him except the fact he's a massive using douche bag personally. She needs some self respect.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/08/2023 22:17

You need to read lalalaletmeexplain book called block delete move on

boobot1 · 15/08/2023 22:46

BMW6 · 15/08/2023 21:05

Of course he knows how you feel about him! He knows you'll take any crumbs from him no matter what he does to hurt you.

I feel sorry for your children.

All of those, get a grip woman, he is a total tosser.

Crimsonripple · 15/08/2023 22:49

Oh my why would you put yourself in that situation! She does have something to worry about if 'he's all you've got'. He's used you, plain and simple. What kind of friend does that?? Fuck him off and gain some control of your life!

Moser85 · 16/08/2023 02:16

indigosparkle · 15/08/2023 16:46

I love him, and if I can only have him 30 minutes now and again, I’ll take that rather then not having him at all.
I just wish he knew how I felt about him.

He knows exactly how you feel.
He knows he's using you.
He knew this would hurt you

And guess what, he did it anyway, because he doesn't care.

Guavafish1 · 16/08/2023 02:39

He is using and abusing you. He is not your best friends, as BF don't hurt each other.

It has nothing to do with your weight, that is a lie. He see that your vulnerable and is using you for casual sex.

You need more confidence and self worth.

NoPrivateSpy · 16/08/2023 02:59

OP, you are not friends. You crossed that boundary and you are now fuck buddies.

You won't be friends again like before. You love him and he's happy to use you for sex when he doesn't have anyone else and needs a confidence boost.

You need to put your big girl boots on and tell him how you feel. Tell him you want a relationship that is exclusive. Don't settle for anything else.

I know how sad you must feel and how hard this must be but all the posters on this thread are telling you the same thing. It doesn't sound like he has your back or is that into you. I'm sorry.

Original poster
indigosparkle · 16/08/2023 10:57

He hasn’t spoken to me since Monday, I sent a message asking if he could talk and hasn’t responded, so everything I want to tell him, I can’t.

OP posts:
WantingToEducate · 16/08/2023 11:14

indigosparkle · 16/08/2023 10:57

He hasn’t spoken to me since Monday, I sent a message asking if he could talk and hasn’t responded, so everything I want to tell him, I can’t.

You’d only be wasting your time anyway OP.

He does not feel the same way about you at all.

Sadly everyone can see it except you.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/08/2023 11:47

indigosparkle · 15/08/2023 16:46

I love him, and if I can only have him 30 minutes now and again, I’ll take that rather then not having him at all.
I just wish he knew how I felt about him.

He does know how you feel about him and he doesn't give a flying fig. Actually, he uses that information to come over for a shag because he knows you will allow it. Stop accepting breadcrumbs and up your self-respect. Try the Freedom Programme. You can do it online, you don't have to go to sessions.

How can you think so little of yourself that you will accept 30 minutes of being used for sex now and again and set that example for your children?

Really think about this.

roses321 · 16/08/2023 12:04

indigosparkle · 16/08/2023 10:57

He hasn’t spoken to me since Monday, I sent a message asking if he could talk and hasn’t responded, so everything I want to tell him, I can’t.

Stop wasting your time. Seriously, stop. If he wanted to talk to you or loved you, then you'd hear from him. Stop, for the sake of your own dignity - and when he comes crawling back, tell him to fuck off.

Whatshouldido94 · 16/08/2023 13:10

cant Believe that 8 months after you originally made this post you are still entertaining this guy. So he’s only contacted you now because his relationship is over?

why on earth did you go to his house and have sex with him when he’s ghosted you for months? He doesn’t have any respect for you and and has contacted you because he knows you’ll come running. I think you need some counselling as you’ve mentioned he was all you have and that’s not healthy at all. You really need to move on and leave it in the past now. Your head sounds like it’s all over the place and the situation is being made worse because you won’t cut him off. He’s happy enough to cut you off when another woman comes along though.
Just block his number