Please talk to me I’m heartbroken

[indigosparkle]

this might be long so I do apologise.
been best friends with a guy from work for around 14 years, during lockdown he was seeing a girl from work for around a year, went tits up me and him got closer and started sleeping together after a very drunk night out about a year ago, saw him once or twice a week since then and became fwb, saw him last Monday and since then he’s ghosted me, tried ringing etc which isn’t unusual as we speak on the phone every night. Found out last night he asked another girl out on Friday and that’s why he’s had no contact, I’ve lost my best friend of 14 years over some girl he’s known literally days. I can’t stop crying he was all I had, I do t see or speak to anyone other than him and now I’ve lost him.

You lost your friend when you slept with him. You need to move on

You probably ly won't het your friend back because the boundaries have been crossed. Its going to be far too awkward. If he was your best friend why on earth would you sleep with him??? Gonna have to just suck it up and find a new friend, amd don't sleep with them!

Sounds like a jerk. Walk away and don't contact him. Don't look back either.

You can’t remain friends with someone that you think of as much more than a friend who doesn’t feel the same about you. And he clearly doesn’t as he’s not treated you well at a time when you are struggling from a previous relationship. I was going to say tell him you just want to continue as a friend, but you obviously don’t. Best thing to do is to cry it out. Get stuck into your new job and hopefully make new friends there. And find hobbies or interests that might mean that you meet new people. Don’t ever put all your eggs in one basket again. Especially if you’re sleeping with it.

i Told him my ex had been ringing me calling me names, telling me I’m fat ugly no one would ever want me, he kissed me and one thing led to another, that was the night we first slept together, then for whatever reason it just became a regular thing, everytime we was together either having a drink or movie night or whatever we would cuddle up in bed and end up having sex, and it just became the norm.

Oh you poor thing. Let yourself wallow for a bit, you can and will get over him. You deserve more than this, never settle for a fwb, unless you are truly happy not to be the only fwb/ know that’s all it will ever be.

He’s not a good friend, if he was he would’ve told you to your face that he’s met someone else and won’t be seeing you again. If he had, would that really make you feel better? (I doubt it). I’ll bet you, he’s not a very nice person once you get to know him. You never got to really know him as he carried on with his life, doing what you wanted and just had you in the side.

You'll be thankful one day. I promise you.

And block your ex if you haven’t! Good lord why would you put up with that. You need to work on your self confidence and boundaries 💐

You need to move on from both these men.

I said about OLD but actually I think you need to be single for a while else you’re going to continue this cycle.

Would you mind posting a photo of yourself on here?
Because I can guarantee you’re not half as bad as your dickhead ex says you are (else why was he with you in the first place).

That's awful, he probably genuinely felt bad for you, had a momentarily lapse of judgement and thought sleeping with you would be a confidence boost and then enjoyed it so kept doing it out of his convenience for himself as men often do. He had no business sleeping with a vulnerable friend with a recent history of DV if he didn't consider you relationship material and he's probably realised that, feels guilty and has just decided to ghost you and put it behind him.

I'd suggest you do the same too, learn and move on from it. They say time is a healer but I understand it does hurt now.

Yep, this is the thing, once that line has been crossed it's difficult to go back and his future partner/wife may not be keen for him to remain friends with a girl he has slept with.

I haven't had a lot of healthy relationships with the men in my life so the few male friends I have mean a lot and as a result I would never sleep with them since I know that basically signals the end of the friendship as it was.

He was using you and if he has cut your off so easily he didn’t feel the same way as you. You’ve been played xx

He isn't a friend worth having. He used you for sex while between girlfriends.
You are crying for the friend you wished you had not the one you actually had.
If you want a best friend to confide in without this sort of thing happening, try to find another woman. I think you're a bit fragile to handle mens' BS.

But it fucking hurts that I wasn’t good enough to be his future girlfriend It really does, I remember a few months ago we had another male friend round, and they was having a smoke outside with the door open, before he went he gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek and said they wouldn’t be long and the friend asked him whether he’d finally seen sense and whether we’d made things official, and he said, ‘no we’re too close now, we’ve gone to far, if she’d have asked me 6 months then maybe, but not now it’s too much to lose’ he still shagged me that night though 🤔 I felt sad at the time cos that was like him admitting there would be nothing between us but I still tried god I tried hard to get him to feel the way about me as I did him. And it still wasn’t enough.

No. It would not be a good idea to post a photo of yourself!

Block him and move on.

Have a break from dating and work on yourself for a while (self confidence & self worth). Make some new friends. Try some new hobbies/groups. When you do meet the next person, make sure you tell them how you feel about them if you decide to date exclusively, so they know that you’re serious and not just a booty call.

I’m sorry you are feeling so sad. There is no way to not feel it, but as much as you can definitely block him. Any interaction if he contacts you, you’ll feel better initially but then when it doesn’t go back to before, it will be worse again.

If he stays with this girl you cannot go back to friends.
If he breaks up and you “get back together” you know he doesn’t want a proper relationship with you.

If you are starting a new job this is perfect time to get a break from him.

You need to keep busy, and to develop other friendships and support. Don’t put yourself into any other romantic/ sexual relationships just yet.

You can survive heartbreak and go on to fully heal. In the weeks ahead you must find the way to get closer to that.

I won’t post a photo but I’ll either link you to social media or inbox you a photo. Be honest though I can’t feel much worse 😂

@indigosparkle you should go to counselling. Please do not send other posters pictures of yourself for validation. This sort of thing is why you are ending up with unsuitable, user, no good men.

I had counselling when I first left my ex, it was hard, I didn’t understand why I’d want to relive events that I’d already been through iykwim. I don’t think it’s for me

It's not about reliving events. It's about helping you reframe things and work out better ways of dealing with your thoughts.

Your self esteem is low. If you had good self esteem you wouldn't have let him use you for sex.

I just keep re reading over all his texts messages, honeslty if a compete random read through these you would 100% think he was my partner, I’ve copied and pasted an example below, after a shitty day a few weeks ago:

you have got people around you and you will be fine darling. I'll help anyway I can. Remember that, luv ya mate x x x

That sounds non-committal to me. The "mate" bit is just 🤔to me.

He is not a good person. The sooner you see this, the sooner you will move on. Good luck.

Yeah maybe, but we do start/end convos with the word mate and call each other it in person, it’s just like a ‘thing’ that caught on between all the staff at work.
this is the text he sent after the one upthread just so different to how he’s treating me now.

if its last thing I ever do I'll make sure you are ok darling love ya and I mean that 👍x x x

Oh op I don’t have much advice but you sound so sad

I think unfortunately it’s time to close this book. Your friendship will never be the same. If he can ditch you as soon as somebody else comes along and can’t even have the decency to tell you then he isn’t really a good friend is he?

why don’t you look at joining local groups to meet other people? How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? Think how well you’ve done - you survived a DV relationship so you can survive this!! I also think within time you’ll look back and realise he wasn’t a true friend after all - true friends don’t use people or string them along. They certainly don’t ghost their friends either.

also, please don’t send any photo of yourself or your social media to people on here. Whoever asked you to do that is just weird.

focus on one hour at a time, next thing a few days will have passed and then weeks, months etc. don’t think forward as that’s too scary and daunting. If you can’t bring yourself to delete him on social media then just unfollow him so you don’t see any of his posts. Try not to reread his messages as that’s just self torture. Do things for you, learn new hobbies, join groups, join a gym (that’s something I plan on doing!!) join online friendship sites.

Sorry OP he sounds a bit patronising. Hes trying to make himself look good. Of course you'll be ok ,but that will be down to you and not him. God hes got a high opionion of himself hasnt he x

Delete everything that reminds you of him including the texts. You really need to move on. This guy isn't good for you.