DW can't stand DD

[fredthemed]

Not sure what to do. DW is really nasty to 11yr old DD. DD does misbehave. DW thinks DD is exceptionally bad and has "betrayed her trust too many times". DW admitted she would be happier if DD left. She claims she loves DD but evidences this by saying she buys her nice clothes etc. DD said she wants to go far away from her mum. But she doesnt want to leave her younger sister who gets on fine with DW. DD is imo a fairly normal girl with a strong tendency towards play and fun and games and a hatred of hard work. DW is very strict about work and hates mindless and messy play. I get on ok with DW but find it very difficult living with the shouting and crying. DW things she has done nothing wrong and anyone would act the same as her. She would never accept parenting advice or therapy.

You clearly still have a lot of healing to do. I’m sorry you went through that. It sounds like you have not forgiven yourself. That doesn’t make it okay to project that onto others though. Even if that person is a man.

Ah, more assumptions from the armchair-shrinks of MN.
Please save your patronising codswallop for somebody who'll welcome it @DarkSol

Fortunately, you must have never been in an abusive relationship.

yes well the Op is a grownassed adult with options whether he chooses to take them or not.

the 11 year old child in an abusive relationship with her mother does not have options. She’s trapped.

so my sympathy I have to say is rather limited when it comes to the Op I have to say.

This thread reads like something from the 50s with the amount of blame the OP is getting for failing to keep his woman in check.

Quite a few troll hunters on this thread. It’s so pointless because either:
A) After the first person flags it to mn, they take a look behind the scenes. No reason to keep mentioning it on the thread if you suspect troll. It just keeps adding to the thread and keeping it active.
B) The op is genuine and needs help. Maybe a dad who is posting for the first time because he feels something isn’t right and ended up here somehow. Only to be met with accusations he’s a troll. Or is called names. At least he’s asking for advice and acknowledging something is wrong with his dw. More than my dad ever did.

I once posted a problem and someone felt “something sounded a bit odd”. Post got hijacked by troll hunters. Everyone was convinced I had made the whole thing up - picking apart details they didn’t think sounded right. Ugh!!! It just ruins the point of mumsnet. Go play a game of cluedo if you want to solve a mystery.

And if it was a woman posting to say her husbands always challenging her parenting and undermining her punishments people would be quick to call him all the names under the sun

Actually it reads like every other DA thread where the DC are getting caught in the crossfire. All PP are doing is urging him to get his kids out & leave - just like they do for women in similar situations.

I've seen FAR worse vitriol levelled at female OP's who are traumatised & gaslit by men.

However, this OP seems curiously ... unmoved by his children being emotionally terrorised.

But the man posting here isn't saying his wife is undermining HIS punishments.

And the woman he is posting about has been called plenty of names.

You are inventing fictions to suit your narrative.

@KettrickenSmiled if the post was written by his wife that's exactly what it would say.

I have no narrative. It's clear as day.

No it doesn’t read like other threads.

It reads exactly like the AIBU threads where gfs deliberately argue with each other whilst using lots of misogynist language and pulling their favourite 'what if it was a man and everything was different?' As though they are completely oblivious to RL and the very many ways women, men, relationship dynamics and abuse stats are different.

Also the OP has never said they're male so all the 'if it was a woman' need to pause to consider that women can have wives and be called the bad guy. If you're treating the OP differently because you think they're male. That's on you.

He's being blamed for not protecting his daughter. Even in his first post, he complains the crying and shouting makes life difficult for HIM. What about his poor kid? Who he then says could make life easier for herself(and by extension him) which IS blaming the victim.

What makes you think the OP is a man? You clearly have some prejudice clouding your judgement here.

Irrelevant.

The OP calls themselves Fred.
If they are not a bloke, they are at perfect liberty to come back & say so.

I will then bawl her out for caring more about how difficult her wife makes her home life than stopping the bitch from abusing their children.

Well you know I grew up around a lot of abused people and I know they often move on to abuse and be abused and sometimes both. My sister even strongly defended her abusers and insulted people who were survivors of abuse. I see a lot of that in you.

What makes you think the OP is a man? You clearly have some prejudice clouding your judgement here.

Yeah, I'm insanely prejudiced against parents who handwring about how hard their life is while allowing their spouse to abuse their children.

Bite me.

@YoullLog the exact same applies whether OP is female,male or a chihuahua. Standing by and watching your child be abused for years and only moaning about how difficult it is for YOU is wrong regardless of your sex.

Why wouldn’t someone who lives in an abusive environment find it hard?

There are too many posts here to catch up reading the whole thread, I only made it to page 4...but this:

*fredthemed · Today 10:20

Im trying to stop it but Im made out to be the bad guy . DW says to me is it ok to lie, to cheat, to steal all the time? Its true she does these things despite me asking her not too. I have DDs back dont worry but its splitting up a family*

OP - what is it that you do to help deal with your child's behavior (other than just telling her not to, which is completely useless)?

I'm not excusing your DW's behaviour in how she's dealing with things...but I have seen a lot of comments that the DD is acting out because her mum is abusive when in fact we don't know that. Some kids are juse extremely difficult and maybe your DW is at her wits end, can't take it anymore and is over reacting. Especially if you are not helping to deal with your DD and leaving it all down to her to address. Again, the withholding dinner thing is extremely wrong and not condoning it at all but I feel like there is more to this story.

I get the sense that the OP doesn't help in any way either in dealing with his daughter's behaviour or his wife's. I think you all desperately need family counseling, I don't think we've been given enough information here.

Jesus, an actual child abuser posts (because enabling the abuse of a child is as bad as actually abusing them), and people are falling over themselves to excuse it.

OP if you are real, you and your wife are abusive pieces of shit. I hope your children survive your appalling behaviour, and grow up to live good lives far, far away from you.

Please get this sorted one way or another. You need to protect your 11yr old. This is emotional abuse. Your DD may be no angel, but she doesn’t deserve to be abused this way. What happens when your DD decides not to come home from school one day because she’s had enough? What happens when your DD tells a trusted adult at school what is happening at home? Because, trust me, she will, & it becomes a safeguarding issue & steps are taken to ensure the welfare of your child. I would have fallen out of love with partner if they were treating their child this way. Your DD needs your help. Please. Before it’s too late.

This thread is a few months old @Tallulah1972

I am sorry but this sounds like narcissistic abuse!!! Treating the older child well but turning DD into a scapegoat and generally pitting older child off against DD by older child being in support of DW’s criticism? WTF!! Wrong just so wrong on so many levels! Have you any idea what your younger DD will be feeling or what she will be going through! The harm this is going to cause her throughout her teenage and adult life??
That poor child! She will be dying inside that poor child.

Your DW SAYS DD lies and steals and breaks promises and then leaves her without food! So just because she SAYS those things that must be ok then and must mean she’s right! No she’s being downright mentally and emotionally abusive!

Well she shouldn't be witholding meals from dd. She is emotionally abusing her. Have you thought about some family therapy?