DW can't stand DD

[fredthemed]

Not sure what to do. DW is really nasty to 11yr old DD. DD does misbehave. DW thinks DD is exceptionally bad and has "betrayed her trust too many times". DW admitted she would be happier if DD left. She claims she loves DD but evidences this by saying she buys her nice clothes etc. DD said she wants to go far away from her mum. But she doesnt want to leave her younger sister who gets on fine with DW. DD is imo a fairly normal girl with a strong tendency towards play and fun and games and a hatred of hard work. DW is very strict about work and hates mindless and messy play. I get on ok with DW but find it very difficult living with the shouting and crying. DW things she has done nothing wrong and anyone would act the same as her. She would never accept parenting advice or therapy.

DW needs to leave. How you bring this about won’t be easy though.

You need to protect both of your children from their mothers behaviour.

Why the hell are you allowing this to continue? Why haven't you asked your wife to leave? This is abuse ffs.

it is her own DD and mine (no steps involved). Generally they avoid talking to each other most of the time except the bare minimum. DW oversees her homework which is often a trigger for problems. DW will take away DD toys or, rarely not give her dinner. We have an older child who is very good and DW has always got on v well with. Older child supports DW in criticism of DD (not only out of fear but possibly from DW influence). DW would say that DD is extremely difficult, lying, stealing breaking promises, been given many chances etc. DD certainly could make life a lot easier for herself but she is very headstrong. I think DW would be happy if I took DD away. Its just so sad

I think DW would be happy if I took DD away. Its just so sad

There's your answer. Take her and your other child away. She's not fit to be a parent to either of the children. Stand up for your child

DW will take away DD toys or, rarely not give her dinner.

she refuses her child food as punishment? If I knew you, I'd make a child protection referral, don't care how rarely this is.
If you know this and do nothing, I'd be including you in it.

Blimey OP your poor DD, you HAVE to stop this for the sake of your daughter. Be the better parent and either ask the mother to leave or you take your children out of this situation.....imagine if this was the other way around? Please take action before it's too late, be brave.

Your wife punishes your daughter by taking away food? That's not punishment, that's abuse. As in - should have social services involved abuse

Do you really stand idly by whilst your wife starves your daughter?

Split up and take your child with you.

You wouldn't let anyone treat them like that so why is it okay for her to do it?

You know what you need to do OP, but do you have the courage to do it?

Get on to the stately homes thread to see how this plays out. You have a classic golden child / scapegoat dynamic going on.

all the knowledge is available to you, read the books, get a family therapist asap.

Do you and your wife spend equal amounts of time with the daughter in question? Would you agree with your wife that your daughter is "extremely difficult"? Does your daughter indeed lie and steal?

Your wife is abusing your youngest daughter and you're just sitting there watching it all unfold and shrugging your shoulders. Would you do the same if she was beating her?

You need to sit her down and tell her this is abuse and stops now. You seek help and support for your daughter and hopefully, start to fix the damage that has already been done.If she doesn't, then you split up and take DD with you. Preferably both DD's, because being the golden child can be very damaging as well but she might not want to leave her mum,and depending on her age the courts won't make her.

You need to protect your daughter.

You leave your wife (I really don't know why you're asking the "darling" to DW, she's a cunt)

You take your child with you. Job done.

This sounds very much like my upbringing. My Mum treated me like this and my Dad didn’t ever step in to protect me. A parents role is to protect their child, at any cost, even if it means protecting from the other parent. I have never forgiven my Dad for enabling my Mums emotional abuse (which became worse and worse through teens and early twenties, and became violent as I grew older). He was completely passive to it to ‘keep the peace’. I am now NC with my Mum and my relationship with my Dad is sadly minimal and extremely strained.

You need to take some accountability and decide who comes first - your wife, or your child. Your wife is forcing this decision upon you, not your child. Remember that. This is not normal, healthy nor remotely acceptable. Your daughter is eleven, she is a child. Your daughter will always remember whether you took a stand for her and this will be a life lesson for her as to what to expect from a man and from a relationship, make sure you teach her the right lesson, for her sake.

Ok so your wife has made DC1 her Golden Child & DC2 her Scapegoat.
thenarcissisticlife.com/why-do-narcissists-have-a-golden-child-and-scapegoat-child/
Forget the narcissist label here - just look at the dynamic.
Is this what you & DD live with?

You say you "get on" with your wife, yet
I think DW would be happy if I took DD away.
How on earth are you tolerating this on behalf of your child?

Can you afford to divorce, & fund a new home for yourself/sell the maritial home & fund a new home each for you & your wife?
While you think about that - start educating yourself about the damage being done to your child - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Im trying to stop it but Im made out to be the bad guy . DW says to me is it ok to lie, to cheat, to steal all the time? Its true she does these things despite me asking her not too. I have DDs back dont worry but its splitting up a family

I know a family just like this. Two DDs the elder is less academic and quite headstrong but a lovely empathetic girl - always kind to younger children and loves animals. Will do minimum homework because she prefers to play. Younger DD is more compliant and very academic, can concentrate on school work for long periods of time and always perfectly behaved, never breaks rules. It's very obvious the mum prefers the younger child and is constantly critisizing the older one and comparing the two.

My heart breaks for the elder DD is this family and for your DD OP. YOu must do everything you can to protect your DD's mental health. I would take your DD to family therapy without your wife if she refuses to go and get professional advice there. I would never ever ever allow your DD to go without dinner and I would contradict any nasty remark that is made towards your DD every single time. I could never stay married to anyone who behaved like this (doing so implicitly supports the behaviour).

So what do you do if your DW doesn’t give your DD a meal?

DW will take away DD toys or, rarely not give her dinner.

And you sit by & LET THAT HAPPEN?

Are you scared of your wife? Is it easier to let her use food denial as a punishment, than to stand up to her?

I would choose my child every time.
Is your daughter misbehaving or is she misunderstood? Your wife’s behaviour doesn’t sound normal. Children don’t leave! Your wife sounds like she needs help, maybe counselling? Or gp. What is your daughter like at school. Could she have asd? Hence her behaviour or is she feeling rejected? I would ask school pastoral care for help regarding her behaviour and relationships at home.

I was a difficult child who made things worse for myself. I lied and stole. I was abused by my mother whilst my father stood by wringing his hands and trying to 'not upset my mother'

I don't talk to either of them

Please do the right thing by your DD and leave. You will hold you accountable for the abuse too if you don't protect her.