DW can't stand DD

[fredthemed]

Not sure what to do. DW is really nasty to 11yr old DD. DD does misbehave. DW thinks DD is exceptionally bad and has "betrayed her trust too many times". DW admitted she would be happier if DD left. She claims she loves DD but evidences this by saying she buys her nice clothes etc. DD said she wants to go far away from her mum. But she doesnt want to leave her younger sister who gets on fine with DW. DD is imo a fairly normal girl with a strong tendency towards play and fun and games and a hatred of hard work. DW is very strict about work and hates mindless and messy play. I get on ok with DW but find it very difficult living with the shouting and crying. DW things she has done nothing wrong and anyone would act the same as her. She would never accept parenting advice or therapy.

That's not reading between the lines.
That's challenging you for your asinine assumption that the mother is only abusive because the child is 'naughty'.
If you knew anything about the dynamics of domestic abuse & ACE, you'd know that it's the other way round. The child is acting out because she knows her mother hates her & wants to get rid of her.

But, like the mother, you'd rather double down & blame an 11 year old than admit you are wrong.

Bloody good plan.

Your wife is an abuser. Get gone, get custody and get counselling for your children

Has it not occurred to you that being treated abusively by her mother is the reason she behaves the way she does?
Even young children know when their parent hates them.
You owe it to your child to protect her from an abusive parent.

If my husband hated our child he'd be my ex so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.

Do better for your child than you currently do.

@fredthemed If your Dd regularly lies and steals then both of you, as her parents, need to get to the bottom of why she is doing this. Could you get Dd therapy? She could have therapy on her own and then you and your wife can join in with family therapy every so often.

I don’t understand why your wife has to watch her Dd do her homework. She should leave her to it. Your wife is being abusive by refusing to feed her child. It is absolutely disgusting that she takes away a child’s basic needs. No wonder your dd’s behaviour is worsening!

Unfortunately, lots and lots of abusive toxic mothers exist. They label one child as ‘good’ and the other as ‘bad.’ Then she is shocked that the behaviour of the ‘bad’ child worsens.

And the they come on MN and try to justify other abusive parents behaviour by blaming the child for causing the adults behaviour

There is probably a link between your DWs behaviour and her own childhood - was DW the black sheep or the spoiled by her DF favourite child etc etc
This doesn’t help DD but helps to explain this cruelty.

I once went up a talk by a child psychologist who said that the majority of child abuse in the home stars with homework. And that schools were not innocent in perpetuating this.

You DW is a case in point.

Not RTFT but my own mother was like this, leaving a trail of destruction through all family relationships and I'm still having therapy 20 odd years later.

Please please protect your daughter's mental health and get out of there.

I have DDs back dont worry
No you don't.
You are allowing your child to be abused. I cannot imagine the damage already done 😢

They are assuming op is a man. Instant blame applied

’It’s splitting up a family” @fredthemed ? No you and your wife are, your love wife for being a vile abusive bully to a child and you for letting your daughter drown in this situation.

I was this child, and it caused permanent damage to my relationship with my mother and brother. I moved out as soon as I could and moved abroad as soon as I could afford, I haven’t seen her in nearly 7 years.

You wife has already poisoned the well between your older child and your 11 year old. My stepfather did this too, triangulating the family, I was always bad, my brother good and taught my brother to gang up on me to bully me.

Your daughter is young now and still needs your ‘love’ (which she isn’t receiving) but as soon as she’s old enough you are risking her cutting you out of her life for good and you’d bloody deserve it.

Get out, apologise to your daughter for failing to protect her and get into family therapy, I can’t guarantee it’s fixable, but your daughter needs to be safe and out of this situation ASAP and you need to hold yourself accountable for some seriously shit and emotionally abusive parenting (and physical re food withholding).

My stepfather also used to create situations so that I would end up ‘misbehaving’, whisper nasty things about my dead father, I would naturally react and get angry, then he would say look margotchateau’s mum, she’s crazy.

GET OUT

Make no mistake that it is your wife's behaviour that is splitting the family up.

Your family will be split whether you leave or not. It just depends how you want the split to look. Do you want your Children to split from you when they hit adulthood or do you want to split from your wife and keep your children?

Your response every time that your wife asks you if it's ok to do those things should be 'she is a child, it is our responsibility to guide her away from those things with kindness'.

Split and protect your children or they will leave you when they can.

‘Lovely wife’ autocorrect fail

You need to put your child first and ask your wife to leave.

I think there is more shame on the mum who is doing the abuse. But I’m not an apologist.

DW will take away DD toys or, rarely not give her dinner.

Your child is being abused.

Step up and protect her.

Just because there is more shame on the mother doesn’t mean there is none on him. If the mother was posting here I’d say exactly what I think of her.

it’s the parent who is standing by and watching it happen so they’re getting peoples opinion on them.

I think you all need family counselling. There are so many things that need unpicking.
You could be in denial about how bad dd behaviour is as your not taking charge and supporting dw or dw could be overbearing and overly critical of dd2.
You all need outside support and therapy

She withholds food from your child? This is abuse. I hope somebody reports her. What an evil cow. You need to step in, or leave, and take DD with you. You can't stand by and watch this!

Sounds like she’s a difficult kid and she’s trying to discipline her, because those things she’s going are not ok. I have a child like this. He is a massive pain in my ass, and I take things from him, like his phone ect, I do give him a hard time because do you know what? His behaviour isn’t acceptable! But, I love him dearly and I still show him love of course… I have no advice, but just wanted to say having a child that does those things is bloody hard!

I also came from a family with a dynamic like this, my mother saw me as competition from a very young age. She was vile, continues to be to this day so I am very, very low contact with both my parents.

It was confusing enough as to why she behaved that way, it was even more confusing why my dad didn't step in and do something to defend or protect me.

What a sad, sad tale. Your daughter is being abused right in front of you and you do nothing.

OP, I was that girl growing up and it was awful. I still remember the years where I cried almost all the time because I just didn't want to carry on living. When things finally got bad enough for my dad to act, it was me who was sent away, to the most austere and unloving boarding school you could imagine. It has taken decades of pushing rocks up hill to get any feeling of having come through the trauma of those years. This stuff doesn't go away, it's with you for life.

You know about the ACEs score? Adverse Childhood Experiences? I wonder what your daughter scores? If it's over 3-4, this will probably impact her long term health, as it has mine.

Please get your daughter some help, she desperately needs it.

Here you go acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/ - what does your daughter score?

I think you should contact social services. Your daughter clearly has a problem if she is lying and stealing. Your wife also has an issue with her management of her behaviour. Not feeding a child as a punishment is very damaging and abusive as is withholding love. Maybe SS will be able to offer everyone support.