DW can't stand DD

[fredthemed]

Not sure what to do. DW is really nasty to 11yr old DD. DD does misbehave. DW thinks DD is exceptionally bad and has "betrayed her trust too many times". DW admitted she would be happier if DD left. She claims she loves DD but evidences this by saying she buys her nice clothes etc. DD said she wants to go far away from her mum. But she doesnt want to leave her younger sister who gets on fine with DW. DD is imo a fairly normal girl with a strong tendency towards play and fun and games and a hatred of hard work. DW is very strict about work and hates mindless and messy play. I get on ok with DW but find it very difficult living with the shouting and crying. DW things she has done nothing wrong and anyone would act the same as her. She would never accept parenting advice or therapy.

Why are you letting your chick be abused?

*child

You are standing by whilst your 11 year old daughter is treated like this - shame on you.

You need to put a stop to it. Don’t sit by and allow this to happen. Leave, and take your kids with you.

If I was you she would soon be an ex wife.

Can you give us some examples of the really nasty things that your DW does please.

Often, in divorce cases, men will fabricate bad behaviour from the wife towards the children just to be spiteful. If it's true in your case, then you need to take your children away from their abuser, but it's difficult to know whats what unless you give us some examples.

Why are not supporting your child?

Your wife sounds deranged...

You need to put the welfare of your child first.

Tell your wife her behaviour stops now or you will divorce her and take the children with you. It is your job to make sure your 11 year old daughter is not bullied and abused by her mother.

Your dw is dds mum?! I was expecting a step. If she doesn't want to live with her child or even if it's your child, she leaves.

Is your wife your daughters mum or step mum?

It's a bit confusing because you call her mum but then you say your wife wants your 11 year old daughter go leave, and your daughter wants to leave but won't leave her sister which sounds more like a step mum situation eg theres somewhere else for the daughter to go.

Either way you need to protect your daughters by leaving your wife, it's jut slightly more complicated if its also the girls mother as presumably she would want some sort of custody agreement

I think you will find your DDs behaviour improves immensely when she is no longer living with someone who wants her to leave her own home

The way the OP is written, it feels as though this might not be an entirely accurate picture you're giving us here.

When you say "really nasty", what do you mean? When you say your wife is strict about work, is it that she insists her child does their household chores or their homework, something like that, and doesn't go soft and let the child off the hook all the time? And when you say she "hates messy play", is that because there's an awful mess left at the end and she ends up being responsible for cleaning and tidying up?

I think a little more detail from you wouldn't go amiss.

Your. Hood is being abused and you are standing by and doing nothing. Your wife is vile. Get a backbone and do something about it

Can't believe what I'm reading here. Your wife has actually said she would be happier if DD left...where does she think she would go? You are talking like there is an option of sending DD somewhere..is there anywhere other than the safety of a home elsewhere with you? And you are talking like you would leave your other DD with her Mum, who is clearly not safe to be around children?
Get a grip and get your children out.

The problem is that the longer this goes on the more it will impact your DD mental health

it has the potential to fuck her up

id start keeping a diary and doing some reading up

if you have cause to believe that your wife is genuinely abusive to your DD you need to start making plans

I feel for your DD

That's sad have you not considered leaving?

Is she DD real Mum?

@fredthemed sounds alot like how things were with my dad's girlfriend when I was 8 onwards. I was actually a really good child but she favoured my younger sister and because as I got older I would resist her manipulation and bullying tactics, she's very controlling about everything, she said I was a surly teen. She didn't want my dad spending too much petrol on us by taking us places so he'd randomly turn up on his bike instead, as she'd sat in the car and refused to budge hoping he'd not come get us. She'd make snide remarks constantly and seemed unable to deal either not being in complete control. She's had huge fall outs with her own bio kids too over the years with long periods of no contact.

Cut to my early 20s and she was so awful to my younger sister as she had by then seen her true colours and cooled off wjth her, which she couldnt handle, she went NC with her, then I did a year later when she came in ranting and raving at me too. My sister then went NC with our dad because he let the horrible woman's behaviour hang over them every time they met up, she'd ring and ring and argue with him before he was due to come meet, or feign illness so he'd have to cancel.

Just a warning as you need to nip your wife's controlling behaviour in the bud, an 11 year old shouldn't be exposed to that kind of behaviour and you're the one who need to stand up for her. Dad's often seem to want an easy life but you don't get to have one if the woman you brought into a family is bringing that behaviour to your children. I hope you see some big changes fast for your daughters and your relationship with her in futures sake.

I've just read that it's not even a step parent, hadn't seen every reply. Even harder to fix the situation, but again Hooe it happens fast for all your sakes as you'll have a very alienated child.

"DW is really nasty to 11yr old DD"

The answer is there: You need to get rid of her. Go and see a solicitor tomorrow. Please do not allow your children to be abused.

I doubt that's all there is to it. Let's wait and see what OP means by "really nasty" before we suggest immediate divorce proceedings. Tomorrow is Sunday, by the way :)

I cannot believe posters are blaming you!

Im sure if you had changed DW to DH they would all be saying poor you.

She is abusive and nasty towards an 11 year old.
It’s not a far stretch of the imagination to realise that she’s also probably abusive to you too.

PPs are right though that you need to leave or kick her out and keep your DDs with you.

You are not happy.
Your child is not happy.
Your DW is not happy.
There is honestly no point in continuing with this car crash.

why do people go for the throat every time it’s a (Presumed) male posting 🤦🏽‍♀️

op you need to leave if your child is being treated poorly. she needs somebody to advocate for her and she’s only got you by the sounds of it.

Your child should be your priority always. You need to protect her.

Is your wife the child’s mother?

We are all capable of saying things in anger, but to say that she wishes she'd be happier if she left is really beyond the pale and will stay with your DD forever.

Did she hear her Mum say that?

If you know for a FACT that this is t fixable through counselling or family support, then I'm very much afraid that I'd be considering a split. Your DD is still a child and needs your love and nurture. Should she stay in this dynamic, then you will almost certainly be heading for disaster. She needs to know that she has one parent that will stick by her.

I teach foster children that have been let down/abandoned and there is a brittleness to them which is heartbreaking to see.

Does your wife know how serious this is?

I was in a similar position as a child and, although I knew my Dad could see that it wasn't okay, he opted for an easy life and mostly let it happen. As an adult I've really struggled with my mental health and never been able to get on top of it. It really messes with you when you feel like your Mum doesn't like you as a child and messes with you even more when she treats your sibling differently.

I don't know what the best advice would be. I know it's not always as easy as leaving - but I know it would have helped me to have someone validate my feelings. I know it would have helped to have someone on my team and someone who I knew loved me unconditionally. I think my Dad did certain things which may have shown he knew it wasn't okay but I wanted him to be be explicitly there for me - to name what was happening and talk to me about it. Maybe then I might have been able to process the situation and function better as an adult. Therapy might be an option for your DD too. It sounds like you're prepared to advocate for her which will mean a lot.

Obviously the best thing to do would be to tackle DWs behaviour - she may not be receptive but would writing a letter together with your DD be worth a shot? I think it would help your DD to write down her feelings with your support and maybe it would help your wife to see the damage she is doing.

Something doesn't seem right here to me.

But if your DD is misbehaving it could be because of how she is being treated by your DW. like others have said do you have some examples of things that are happening? People have different parenting styles or like pp said some things can be fabricated etc. although it sounds like you need to step in and advocate for your daughter