DW can't stand DD

[fredthemed]

Not sure what to do. DW is really nasty to 11yr old DD. DD does misbehave. DW thinks DD is exceptionally bad and has "betrayed her trust too many times". DW admitted she would be happier if DD left. She claims she loves DD but evidences this by saying she buys her nice clothes etc. DD said she wants to go far away from her mum. But she doesnt want to leave her younger sister who gets on fine with DW. DD is imo a fairly normal girl with a strong tendency towards play and fun and games and a hatred of hard work. DW is very strict about work and hates mindless and messy play. I get on ok with DW but find it very difficult living with the shouting and crying. DW things she has done nothing wrong and anyone would act the same as her. She would never accept parenting advice or therapy.

Oh and she absolutely is a cunt for withholding food.

Is that you Mum?

What on earth does DW mean? I only know it to mean Deutsche Welle!

If you don’t move your dd away from this situation, and she will already be damaged by this, then you are just as bad as your evil wife. Don’t even look for excuses by saying dd is naughty, wilful etc, these are all defensive mechanisms to cope with an abusive parent and another who is neglecting to step in and help. You dd will be feeling alone and helpless. Your dd needs an advocate and voice, that is you.

Darling Wife.

Absolutely sickening to post about child abuse.

@uhOhOP I'm hoping if you have kids and they were naughty all day, you would still feed them? And you don't think it means you can abuse them?

It's your problem as a parent to sort out bad behaviour (if the child isn't only reacting to knowing their mum hates them).

Your wife is abusing your child. Sort it out.

You need to ring social services now! It's wrong for your daughter to steal, etc but what is the root cause?

Your first step is to get your children away from abuse! Your wife is abusing your children (including the 'golden child' who's made to witness these incidents and think it's okay).

Could you elaborate because lying cheating and stealing is not healthy normal behaviour for an 11 year old and indicates a very unhappy child with potentially deeper problems

She doesn’t give her dinner? That is abuse and quite frankly disgusting. What do you do when she isn’t given dinner?

Why on earth would he ring social services? Is he incapable of advocating and protecting his children himself?

You need to seriously consider leaving this woman and taking your dc with you. What kind of mother treats one child one way and another completely different because they are more difficult? I have 2 dc. My ds has been hard work with years of school refusal and angry outburst etc. I didn’t argue back, deny him food or treat dd better because she has been an easier child. No, I found him some therapy, I loved him just as much and spent time trying to sort everything out. I did that because I am his mum, his voice and I love him. Your dw doesn’t appear to have any maternal instincts, has she always been like this with your dd?

Maybe not if it's food that is being stolen and eaten?

DW will take away DD toys or, rarely not give her dinner.

come again. Is there something stopping YOU providing dinner for your daughter?

what a lame ass parent you are OP

Even if that was the case, hardly the best approach to the situation? Is that how you would choose to respond to your 11 year old taking food

Clearly.

Evidence are his posts about breaking up a family and being made to be a bad guy. He needs a wake up call, perhaps someone to drum it in him that he's enabling abuse at the very least. Mumsnet isn't it as he's still hand-wringing.

And is it “stealing” if from cupboards in your own home?

No, that's not okay

What's next, she hits someone so her mother hits her to 'teach' her its wrong to hit?

I'm sorry but you don't have your daughter's back at all if you are allowing this dynamic to continue. Children should be taught good behaviours kindly, with rewards for good behaviour and consistent boundaries for poor behaviour. Not by harsh punishments and abuse. The good child/bad child dynamic is absolutely toxic for both children but especially the abused one. Even the golden child learns to be manipulative rather than fair and honest.

You have to stand up to your wife and have your daughter's back otherwise you are worse than your wife, because you are aware this behaviour is toxic but are enabling it anyway with your passivity. Children have no autonomy which is why they need our protection. They can't just pack their bags and leave home. What the hell are you teaching her about how she can never expect people to stand up for her or be there for her. It will be disastrous for future relationships.

If you can't

You know what you need to do, your DW has an awful attitude to your child. You might be surprised, that when you do divorce, that it's not just your one DD that wants to live with you. They might all decide to live with you full time. But it is probably best if you do divorce and then let them choose.

He’s spineless and needs to do more

but what’s the point of giving completely unrealistic advise like going to social services when he hasn’t yet tried a damn thing himself to sort the issue

So your DD lies, cheats and steals. Your DW tries to impose consequences but your response is to 'have your DD's back'.
Yy your DW may have a golden child and a scapegoat but equally the disjointed parenting from both of you may be exacerbating issues for a challenging child who lies, cheats and steals. And your DW is left to manage homework and try to create standards of behaviour whilst your contribution seems to be much less proactive.
Your response of thinking you could remove one child from the family is completely dysfunctional. Why don't you take responsibility for managing homework if that's a trigger? What are your suggestions for managing the stealing, cheating and lying beyond telling your DD not to do it?

It's sadly quite common for one could to be singled out as ‘bad’ by a parent and for that parent to subsequently mistreat that child. Your wife may put a lot of importance on academic success and your child may not be overly academic. There is a difference between wanting the best for a child and supporting their learning at home and putting a child under immense pressure to learn and being unkind to them if they don't conform to their standards.

It sounds like your wife much prefers the children she has who conform to her standards. We are all individuals and it's a parents job to love and support children as their individual self, even if that's very different to our own selves. You haven't said what your daughter lies about or steals but that's not what matters. What matters is why an 11-year-old maybe acting out that way. The source is likely unhappiness at her situation.

11 is till very young. She needs to feel loved and supported and I am not convinced you can do enough to counter the damage your wife is doing. I love my husband, but I just couldn't stand by and let him mistreat one of our children. Even if that meant breaking up our family. I think serious action is required and you have some serious thinking and hard conversations ahead.