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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DW can't stand DD

303 replies

fredthemed · 17/12/2022 08:21

Not sure what to do. DW is really nasty to 11yr old DD. DD does misbehave. DW thinks DD is exceptionally bad and has "betrayed her trust too many times". DW admitted she would be happier if DD left. She claims she loves DD but evidences this by saying she buys her nice clothes etc. DD said she wants to go far away from her mum. But she doesnt want to leave her younger sister who gets on fine with DW. DD is imo a fairly normal girl with a strong tendency towards play and fun and games and a hatred of hard work. DW is very strict about work and hates mindless and messy play. I get on ok with DW but find it very difficult living with the shouting and crying. DW things she has done nothing wrong and anyone would act the same as her. She would never accept parenting advice or therapy.

OP posts:
Liz1tummypain · 17/12/2022 10:24

I don't know how you can live with yourself if you allow or enable this behaviour from your wife.

I'd be gone, taking them with me.

Look after your children. You have a responsibility towards their care and at least one of them is not being cared for.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 17/12/2022 10:24

Sadly, in this case, I think splitting up the family is the only viable option. You need to get your dd away from her mother before any more permanent damage is done. If you don't, then I'm afraid that you are complicit in the abuse by allowing it to continue.

You owe it to your daughter to get her out.

Unicorn717 · 17/12/2022 10:24

My mum used to be the same with me, we never got on in the end. My mum and dad weren't together but he knew what she was like and every time I asked if I could go and stay at his he would tell me it wasn't as bad as what I was making out. It was and I just had to put up with it. Please for the sake of your daughter leave and let her be happy. She doesn't deserve this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/12/2022 10:25

What I would do in your position is to sit you wife down and say something along the lines of. ‘Dd 11 isn’t taking drugs, she isn’t having sex, she goes to school and does her homework. She isn’t a bad child and the lying is a symptom of the dynamic at home. She is headstrong and she is going through massive changes due to puberty. Not all children are the same. We are both adults and it is for us to modify our behaviour in order to elicit a different response from her. If we don’t show her how much she is loved now, we are going to have serious issues in the future.‘ Then I’d wait to see what your wife’s response is. Hopefully she will calm the hell down. Better yet would be to get a trusted friend to say this to her / the two of you as she’s more likely to listen.

Splitting is the most extreme option and may ultimately be necessary. No, I wouldn’t allow my children to be put through this. Make no mistake you other two are deeply affected, even your eldest. You need family therapy and if she won’t engage, you’re going to have to remove your dd and you younger child from her presence.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 17/12/2022 10:27

fredthemed · 17/12/2022 10:20

Im trying to stop it but Im made out to be the bad guy . DW says to me is it ok to lie, to cheat, to steal all the time? Its true she does these things despite me asking her not too. I have DDs back dont worry but its splitting up a family

No , it's protecting a child from their abuser. Have you ever considered that DD's behaviour would be different if she wasn't abused? If her mother didn't hate and despise her? If her mother didn't use food as a punishment? If her mother didn't always compare her negatively with her sister, and encouraged her sister to gang up on her? If her mother didn't wish she would just go away.

She's 11, you have time to fix this.

ExtraOnions · 17/12/2022 10:27

I’m not surprised your daughter “acts out” if that’s the way she is being treated. Just wait until she lets school know that food is being withheld, and you end up trying to justify your shonky parenting to Social Services.

Kids are hardwork sometimes, for lots of different reasons, as a parent you should be helping and supporting them - not be a bystander to bullying. Sort yourself out

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 10:28

I have DDs back dont worry but its splitting up a family
You clearly don't. Look at how you are allowing her to be treated.
You NEED to split the family up.
why are you pretending there is any benefit whatsoever in keeping this family together? Your DD is trapped unless YOU help her.

DW says to me is it ok to lie, to cheat, to steal all the time? Its true she does these things despite me asking her not too.
SHE IS ELEVEN YEARS OLD. She's not a criminal, she's a young girl who is acting out because her home life is intolerable.

It's no use asking her not to lie or steal. You need to talk to your GP & get DD referred for therapy. You need to start shining a light on what is happening to her at home. Make an appointment with her school Head of Year & talk about your concerns. Make an appointment with a solicitor & possibly a financial advisor to assess how to afford a divorce, & the family living in 2 separate homes.

Remaker · 17/12/2022 10:29

One of these people is an adult and the other is a child. It’s not up to the child to make themselves small and quiet to please an adult. Your wife is clearly deeply self centred. Either she sorts herself out, or you need to ask her to leave.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 10:31

Justnosing · 17/12/2022 09:01

why do people go for the throat every time it’s a (Presumed) male posting 🤦🏽‍♀️

op you need to leave if your child is being treated poorly. she needs somebody to advocate for her and she’s only got you by the sounds of it.

Don't be silly.
When it's a woman posting about an abusive male partner, she is ALWAYS asked about her children, & urged to leave to protect them from him.

There's no difference here.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 17/12/2022 10:32

if this is real then I’m glad you’ve reached out for advice here. You need to split the family as there isn’t really a family there - your wife is abusing your child. See a solicitor and get some real life support.

Resisterance · 17/12/2022 10:33

Sounds like my set up growing up. My mum is a narcissist and was vile to me whatever I did. My dad turned a blind eye cos he loves her. I'm utterly traumatised and unable to form decent relationships as a result. It's been horrible and her behaviour still continues. He still pretends everything is fine. He put her first and and didn't protect us

Now my brother is actually mad and speaks to the Chinese with his mind. I have consistently struggled through my own issues. All created by this awful dynamic and because my cowardly dad enabled it.

Shgytfgtf111 · 17/12/2022 10:33

'It's splitting up a family"

Well better do nothing then and be more worried about being made out to be the bad guy. Also, this isn't a family either. Not one anyone would want to be in. If this is true (and I'm doubting it majorly after the withholding dinner comments), then not only are you both failing your youngest you are moulding the eldest into being a prize as well.

MichelleScarn · 17/12/2022 10:36

Was just about to post the same @Shgytfgtf111 this isn't a 'family'. What is she stealing @fredthemed? Food, money?

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 10:36

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 17/12/2022 10:14

You leave your wife (I really don't know why you're asking the "darling" to DW, she's a cunt)

You take your child with you. Job done.

Yes - except he should take BOTH children.

The outcome for the Golden Child being left with the abuser/narc isn't any better for them than it is for the Scapegoat.
In fact, of the 2, the GC is more likely to go on to develop narcissistic traits that the Scapegoat.

The elder child is already aping her mother's cruelty toward the younger.
They are both being damaged.

Autumninnewyork · 17/12/2022 10:36

I second the poster advocating family therapy. Though your wife should really be involved as she is part of the problem. The bigggest part by the sounds of it but will also help you work out your part as well

Brightstarowl · 17/12/2022 10:37

The poor little girl! How long has this been going on? what age did it start OP?

This has made me so bloody angry but I'm probably projecting slightly because my mum seemed to hate me from the age of 11....

I now have almost 11 year old twin girls and cannot for the life of me imagine treating them this way and making them feel like this!

You say she sometimes doesn't give her dinner as a punishment....? that's such a cruel victorian method of "correction".

You need to step in and help your daughter OP.

GirlInTheDryShirt · 17/12/2022 10:38

I was that child. My mother is a narcissist abuser and my father chose a quiet life rather than do the right thing. Not only am I NC with them now but sadly I have no relationship with my siblings either because I was the “scapegoat” child so my treatment was far worse than theirs and it caused a huge rift between us - anger on my part that not a single person ever stuck up for me, and a lack of empathy on their part because they were never abused like I was. Please stick up for your children and get them away from this abuser.

MichelleScarn · 17/12/2022 10:39

Maybe you'll be 'lucky' and you won't need to be the 'bad guy' and your 11 YEAR OLD child will say to someone at school or a friends parent what's happening and a child welfare referral will be made. And if so, do not lie for your cunt of an abusive wife.

IDontWantToResignMyself · 17/12/2022 10:39

fredthemed · 17/12/2022 10:20

Im trying to stop it but Im made out to be the bad guy . DW says to me is it ok to lie, to cheat, to steal all the time? Its true she does these things despite me asking her not too. I have DDs back dont worry but its splitting up a family

YOU DONT HAVE HER BACK! What kind of parent sits back and let's their child go without dinner and starve?! That's abuse and neglect.

If social services found out they'd immediately remove her from both your care. This post is making me so angry, how can you be okay with this?

MsMoody · 17/12/2022 10:41

My father could’ve written this post, with me being your older DD. I’m still resentful my dad let me be treated this way, and when I left home she turned on my dad instead. You have the power to change the outcome here.

amatsip · 17/12/2022 10:42

fredthemed · 17/12/2022 08:21

Not sure what to do. DW is really nasty to 11yr old DD. DD does misbehave. DW thinks DD is exceptionally bad and has "betrayed her trust too many times". DW admitted she would be happier if DD left. She claims she loves DD but evidences this by saying she buys her nice clothes etc. DD said she wants to go far away from her mum. But she doesnt want to leave her younger sister who gets on fine with DW. DD is imo a fairly normal girl with a strong tendency towards play and fun and games and a hatred of hard work. DW is very strict about work and hates mindless and messy play. I get on ok with DW but find it very difficult living with the shouting and crying. DW things she has done nothing wrong and anyone would act the same as her. She would never accept parenting advice or therapy.

in this post you imply it’s the older child your wife has issues with but in other posts you state it’s the younger child wife has issues with?

im confused

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 10:42

Autumninnewyork · 17/12/2022 10:36

I second the poster advocating family therapy. Though your wife should really be involved as she is part of the problem. The bigggest part by the sounds of it but will also help you work out your part as well

In couples counselling, experts recommend that it is NEVER undertaken when one of the parties is abusive.

I imagine the same holds for a family.
Anybody have thoughts on this? - because at least it gets the abuse out in the open. Both these children need professionals on their side.

MsMoody · 17/12/2022 10:43

fredthemed · 17/12/2022 10:20

Im trying to stop it but Im made out to be the bad guy . DW says to me is it ok to lie, to cheat, to steal all the time? Its true she does these things despite me asking her not too. I have DDs back dont worry but its splitting up a family

She will be lying because telling the truth incurs the wrath of her mother.

knittingaddict · 17/12/2022 10:43

uhOhOP · 17/12/2022 08:30

The way the OP is written, it feels as though this might not be an entirely accurate picture you're giving us here.

When you say "really nasty", what do you mean? When you say your wife is strict about work, is it that she insists her child does their household chores or their homework, something like that, and doesn't go soft and let the child off the hook all the time? And when you say she "hates messy play", is that because there's an awful mess left at the end and she ends up being responsible for cleaning and tidying up?

I think a little more detail from you wouldn't go amiss.

There's definitely something very off here. The op is written in a very odd way that is ringing alarm bells to me.

JRHartley72 · 17/12/2022 10:43

In your OP you say it's a younger sibling, then you say you have an older daughter…

If this is true, you are facilitating your DW abusing your child and should be ashamed. I hope your DD finds the strength to confide in someone at her school, because that will trigger a social services welfare intervention and you'll both be answerable for what's going on in your household.

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