DW can't stand DD

[fredthemed]

Not sure what to do. DW is really nasty to 11yr old DD. DD does misbehave. DW thinks DD is exceptionally bad and has "betrayed her trust too many times". DW admitted she would be happier if DD left. She claims she loves DD but evidences this by saying she buys her nice clothes etc. DD said she wants to go far away from her mum. But she doesnt want to leave her younger sister who gets on fine with DW. DD is imo a fairly normal girl with a strong tendency towards play and fun and games and a hatred of hard work. DW is very strict about work and hates mindless and messy play. I get on ok with DW but find it very difficult living with the shouting and crying. DW things she has done nothing wrong and anyone would act the same as her. She would never accept parenting advice or therapy.

Therapy is not advised with an abusive person

If family therapy includes the 11 year old child and her mother that would be very unfair on the child

Your wife is abusing your dd and you are allowing it. Your dd is only 11 years old - only a child. Your wife is a nasty, bullying piece of work who feels emboldened to treat your dd so badly, even going so far as to withhold food. It doesn’t get much more abusive than that.

Your wife has serious issues and you need to protect your dc. Honestly you should be reporting her actions to social services and removing all of your dc from this damaging toxic dynamic.

i'm not entirely sure this is a real post, the writing is very juvenile, however, if i take it on face value, you have 3 kids and this is the middle child thats being abused.

You need to leave, and take your kids with you.

Hold on. You admit your child lies, cheats and steals yet you don’t support your wife in disciplining her? You are creating the problem here, OP.

Your wife is abusing your daughter. Your the only parent she has to defend her, you need to grow some balls and stop this, get your daughter out of this situation. Fuck looking like the bad guy, you sound like my father who stood by and let my mother treat me exactly the same, your what’s called an enabler, your daughter is a child who is being bullied and picked on by one of the people who is supposed to love and protect her, she is not making things difficult for herself, she is trying to survive. If you don’t act and protect your daughter your as bad as her mother and will loose her, because as soon as she’s able she will hopefully be gone and cut out BOTH her toxic parents. It took me longer to do than I should but I did, like many others.

Hold on. Here's a PP who doesn't understand how cause & effect works.
😡

There are factual contradictions in the op's posts. They can't all be true, so which is it?

I'm waiting for the deletion message.

I get on ok with DW
This does not sound like a great relationship either.

Has this woman always treated her daughters so differently? When did it start? At the very least her preferential treatment and nastiness towards your older daughter will be contributing to the younger daughter's acting out. It may well be the sole cause of her behaviour. I'd lie to an abuser too.

Me, too.

I lied ,cheated and even stole a few times because of my mother's (abusive) discipline.

I'm still not clear who the parents are to each child. But notwithstanding this, allowing your wife to treat your daughter like this (and allowing the other daughter to witness it, too) is still abuse. Whether you "have her back" or not, you aren't protecting her form the abuse are you? She still gets screamed at etc.

There is nothing, nothing at all to justify exposing your daughter(s?) to this behaviour. If social services were to be told about it, they would surely intervene. Get your daughter out of there before the school or a neighbour triggers an intervention (though perhaps that what you all need, to show you just how serious and harmful this situation is - it makes us wonder if you are really a safe parent yourself. At the moment, you are not)

So you'd support withholding food as punishment @Luckynumbereight?

You want the OP to support their wife not feeding their child as punishment? Wow. 😳

Same, am actually hoping for one and this child isn't out there being treated like this.
Unmumsnetty hugs to all the posters no doubt had bad memories revisited by this thread.

Well your DD now hates her mum so she’s not going to behave well or show any affection towards her. So then your wife dislikes your DD even more. And the cycle continues forever.

I know this because my mum (now in her eighties) and my sister (almost 60) are the same. It destroys the family because the scapegoat child can’t have a proper relationship with their siblings because they (quite rightly) are bitter.

Your school will have a family support worker linked to it.Please ask to talk to them alone and explain what is happening at home as your child needs protecting and you need support in doing this

How do you deal with your child when she does these things? Does she respond to those punishments?

Does DW work? Is she generally unhappy? How has she reacted when the other child has been, what she's perceived as, naughty in the past?

Would your wife consider attending family counselling?

I've reported it because it will be horribly triggering for some and if it's not true it's bloody cruel as well as nasty.

What if it all started with the child's behaviour being poor, with the lying and stealing, and OP not supporting his wife in doing proper parenting and disciplining of their child?

OP's OP and replies have just enough information to get you all riled up, but they feel as though there could be just one or two small details missing that would completely change everybody's responses. I guess it's like a thread where somebody posts about being the other woman – it attracts a lot of people who have been the damaged party in that situation and the responses can get very heated. We just don't have enough information to know what OP's situation is, but people are still willing to call the mother a "cunt" and tell OP to start divorcing her ASAP.

Either your wife needs to stop this cycle now by being the grown up or you need to step in. Your wife may never have the emotional maturity to understand what she’s doing. I was not the scapegoat but was not the golden child either so there were (and still are) often arguments. My dad, lovely as he was, took my mum’s side to make his own life easier. If I’d been the scapegoat and he’d still done this, I don’t think I’d have forgiven him. It’s very weak behaviour.

If you’re not going to do anything else, you could at least take over overseeing the homework in a positive way if that’s one big issue. If my DH said dc couldn’t have any food, I’d just give it to them. Would something happen to you if you did that?

I grew up in an abusive household. One thing I want to say is that a year for an adult goes quickly but to a child in an abusive situation it seems like it drags on forever. It will be 7 years until she is 18 please don’t let her suffer for all this time.

@uhOhOP are you seriously trying to find a way to blame a child for this woman abusive shitty behaviour?! 'Oh my dd started it so what does she expect'...

It is never okay to withhold meals as a punishment.