I invited a friend to stay at my ex's house for Christmas, but my ex doesn't know; what should I do?

[Frictionless]

I am a divorced man. I am single, and live in the Philippines. Last Christmas I had a girlfriend, this year I am 'all alone'. I do however have a 'close friend', whom I first met in May and we live a couple of hours' flight apart. Said friend has had plans to visit the UK over Christmas/New Year since before I knew her.

About a month ago my ex-wife (also from the Philippines) told me that she had received a court order to leave our former marital home (4 bedroom, rented) by the middle of January. Bearing in mind she had been first told to leave in May but had not found anywhere to stay, possibly due to being on Universal Credit (as well as working full time), I said 'well why don't I come and help you find somewhere' and stay there over Christmas, which made sense also as I can see my parents and son, whom I haven't seen since the beginning of 2020 (my daughter came to stay over summer in 2021 and 2022 for two months each time). She said 'I'll ask my boyfriend if that's ok', and she came back and said 'it is'.

So I booked return flights to the UK from the beginning of December returning in the middle of January and have been here for 2 weeks now. I have found a place for her to stay, although it is not clear if we will be accepted (I have offered to pay six months rent in advance and provide a guarantor), we will hear on Monday.

My friend is a workaholic and it's not particularly suitable for me to visit her where she lives in that she lives in a house-share mid week and with her parents on the weekend, so if I took a flight to see her for no reason she wouldn't have a lot of time to see me. So she is coming to the UK for a holiday.

I said to her 'the weather is shit in the UK, why don't we go to Morocco together', and we are doing that for 10 days over New Year. That is settled and not an issue, though my daughter did complain initially - why was I not spending the time with her - in fact it should not be an issue in that my son will be back from uni and therefore my ex is relatively free to do what she wants with her boyfriend and then I have checked my flights back to Asia, and I can change them free of charge, so I will end up staying longer (if my ex wants me to!) until she has a new place to stay.

I said to my friend 'you can come and stay with me over Christmas'. Which is a bit awkward in that I haven't asked my ex about this, so:

• my ex is quite tired from work etc. but today finished for the year, and is going to stay with her boyfriend tomorrow till Monday. On Monday HOPEFULLY she will be able to sign a contract for a house, but that's far from clear.
• I haven't mentioned to my ex about my friend coming to stay AT ALL, but I mentioned about my parents coming over for Christmas and she said 'no, I don't want that while I don't know where I'm going to stay next year' and then she said 'why don't they invite you over?'

I could suggest to my parents that we go over there - they are 100% aware of the situation with my 'close friend', but they are somewhat aged (71) and it's not really clear whether they want Christmas guests, or less still if for example I said nothing till next Tuesday before saying 'uh, would it be ok if I stayed at your place from the 24th to the 27th with my friend & children'. There is another issue with the children, in that our son (20, at university) is autistic and tends to be a bit upset about things which he perceives to be other than as they should be (he likes having people to talk to, so I'm sure there wouldn't be an issue with having an extra Christmas guest), i.e. he previously said 'oh I'm not sure about coming home for Christmas because I spent 15 Christmases in that house and this will be the last one', but he has come to terms with that so to say 'actually we are not going do Christmas here' might not be ideal. So I have offered to pick him up from uni next Wednesday, which he was pleased about because he had some previous issues where he had some mental health problems and asked my ex to pick him up and she was unable to do so and he ended up asking a friend to do so....

So in that sense I could ask my parents 'can I, children + friend come and stay', but I am sure my children would be happiest spending Christmas with both parents at the same address (my parents live 45 minutes away, so it's not TOO far, but it's not the same thing really), and if I said 'we can all go stay there for the 24th till 27th', then I'm sure my children would also want to see their mother.

Our daughter is 15 and met my friend a couple of times over the summer, and my friend was nice to my daughter, buying her a gift, buying and decorating her room for her birthday and taking her to get her hair done. However, I mentioned to her about my friend staying over Christmas and she said 'no, she's annoying', or words to that effect. I discussed it with her first, because I thought that my ex would ask her. I think there's a bit of an issue in that my ex is working class and down-to-earth and this other woman earns much more, has two degrees, has a large disposable income and spends lots of money on her appearance, and is somewhat prim (she has a bit of a thing about Jane Austen etc.), and my daughter said 'mummy is prettier than her'. My daughter asked me earlier 'when are you going to see her?' 'I said 'we are going to the ballet on the 23rd', and my daughter said 'that's quite close to Christmas'

I suppose I should have thought a bit harder before inviting her to stay, but I didn't think it through very carefully.

WWYD?

P.S. I'm not really sure to what extent my friend is really cognizant of the mechanics of this, she as asked me about Christmas gifts for my parents and children but although she knows I am 'helping my ex find a new place to stay', I don't think she's necessarily thought 'oh yes, I am going to spend 4 days with my friend's ex-wife over Christmas'.

It was really stupid to ask your friend to stay for Christmas before speaking to everyone else first. Put your child first and reneg on the invite. If she's as financially fortunate as you claim, she can easily stay in a hotel.

Well there is a pub/hotel at the end of the road but I'm not sure if it would make any difference if she stayed there and ended up spending the day with us anyway.

She did have another offer for Christmas but she said 'I'm not keen to stay there, they live in the middle of nowhere, and the father's just died a couple of weeks ago', and so when she said that I said 'oh come and stay with me'. And at that time I thought 'maybe my ex will be with her boyfriend or maybe I will be with my parents', and I thought 'we can sort something out'.

So she rejected this original offer, but if I told her now 'sorry you can't stay', I believe she could reinstate it, but obviously I look rather stupid (but maybe I will look stupid either way).

There is quite a lot more back-story in that:

1. she wants to get married within the next couple of years as she is 36 and aware of declining female fertility, but she is quite fusty in terms of 'the courting process'
2. she wants to live in the UK in the future and is doing a Masters' degree next year here
3. my daughter is aware of the UK/masters/marriage thing and suggested 'you could marry her and live in the UK', so in that sense she's supportive
4. she has a number of male 'admirers' who from what she has told me are of an ilk in being sort of bookish but not very assertive/overachieving, whereas she herself is very ambitious/workaholic, whereas her admirers all seem to be somewhat inadequate from what she has described, and I'd tend to be in the 'inadequate' category in this scenario, IMO.

Yeah it was a strange thing to invite your girlfriend to stay in your ex wife's house without asking.
also confused about this part

'I said to her 'the weather is shit in the UK, why don't we go to Morocco together', and we are doing that for 10 days over New Year. That is settled and not an issue, though my daughter did complain initially - why was I not spending the time with her - in fact it should not be an issue in that my son will be back from uni and therefore my ex is relatively free to do what she wants with her boyfriend and then I have checked my flights back to Asia, and I can change them free of charge, so I will end up staying longer (if my ex wants me to!) until she has a new place to stay.'

so you live abroad away from your children and are coming back over the festive period but then booked a holiday with your girlfriend? (why do you keep calling her 'friend'?) why does any of your explanation make it better for your daughter?

to be honest the only thing you can do now is ask your ex if it is ok if your girlfriend stays and respect whatever the answer is...

To clarify re Morocco:

1. friend (not my girlfriend. although I'd like her to be, you could say) has fixed return flights to the UK, the dates of this are set in stone
2. I was originally planning to stay until February half term in order to spend half term with my daughter, but I didn't know where I would stay and didn't think it made a lot of sense to rent a flat for £3,000/month, which would be the cost of short-term rent
3. I therefore originally booked a flight back on the 18th of January on the basis that there was a court order to leave the 4-bed house and move into a 2-bed flat and I wouldn't really have anywhere to stay on the 18th of January and couldn't really see myself staying in their new flat
4. After arriving I found it wasn't in fact a court order but just a section 21 notice, which won't expire till May, and I'm sure if we say to the current landlord 'she will move out on 13th February, and has signed a new contract to that effect', then there will be no issue
5. I can change my return date free of charge, and I will likely to change it till mid-February or whenever they have a new place to stay, and I have till 31st December to do that.
6. It's slightly awkward in that I am 'in the way' of my ex and her boyfriend, so whether she will want me to be here until mid-February I don't know, so will wait and see, but so far she's been quite happy to have me around buying and cooking the food.
7. In terms of me being away from 30th December till 8th January, my daughter is on holiday now, and is back at school on the 3rd of January while my son goes back to university on the 9th, so he will be at the (current) family home till then, while my ex I imagine will be enjoying New Year with her boyfriend.
8. So while, yes, I won't be with them on the 30th-2nd January, it looks like I will be here in February half term and could spend time then instead, so I'd have more time with them than was originally. I did suggest to my daughter I'd take her to Japan & Korea at Easter, but I don't know if this will actually happen as she has GCSEs so this might not be a good idea. But anyway, in terms of being 'better for my daughter', I think that having another woman over Christmas would not be, but in terms of us going away to Morocco but then me staying another month beyond original plans, then that would be much better.

That is some saga

Just cancel the visit from your friend and see her in the new year as planned. Take the opportunity to spend time with your children.

😆

Agree, spend Christmas with your kids, spend tome with your GF in Morocco.

Do not plan for your GF to stay at your ex's or at your parents'.

If she must come for xmas it makes sense for her to stay in a hotel.

You’re over-complicating it. You cannot invite your ‘friend’ to stay at your ex-wife’s home. Incredibly disrespectful to everyone, particularly to your children. It makes no sense to introduce her to your parents either if she won’t even agree to be your girlfriend yet.

Just go to a hotel. Tell her “Change of plan, my ex needs that house so let’s meet at XYZ hotel.”

Do not expect your children to play happy families at Christmas with your new woman: they won’t. Get used to that now.

Learn to write more concisely. Much, much, shorter paragraphs. This will help you in life.

You've massively fucked up here. You never invite someone to stay at someone else's home without their prior permission. The only thing that you can do is fess up to your friend about what a inconsiderate twat you've been and cancel her visit. Next time think about your kids and host before you invite some woman you want to have sex with to their home for Xmas

Ps Apologies if I’m wrong, but this does read as if when your marriage ended you moved to somewhere sunny, did barely any parenting, then met a richer better-looking woman you’re attempting to attract, chased her halfway round the world back to UK and are now insisting on inflicting her on your family. Are you trying to show her off? Make your ex jealous? Impress your parents? Whatever it is, it’s inappropriate and so, so, sad that your daughter wants to spend more time with you at Christmas but you’d rather chase a new sexual prospect around Morocco. 🤢

You've fucked up, reams of text won't change that💀

I suppose she could stay in a hotel, I'm just not really clear how much it would help if she'd still be underfoot the whole day and I would have to go pick her up and drop her off there as well.

She asked what 'the plan' was for the 24th, as we are going the ballet on the 23rd and she is the type to want to do things every day, whereas I suppose my schedule would go:

• 24 - buying things, cooking things, eating things, wrapping presents
• 25 - cooking and eating, opening presents
• 26 - cooking and eating, opening presents, go for a walk

I have already advised that the trains are on strike on the 24th so it likely won't be possible to go anywhere anyway, not that I would really want to.

I did inform her that everything is closed on the 25th and on the 26th the trains don't run, otherwise I do believe she would have planned to have left on the 26th

What would I do?
I'd prioritise my children rather than my knob, if I was you.

Anyway, just tell this woman that you regard her as "fusty". Problem solved.

It sounds like your children would like to spend time with you. They don't need a random friend coming along over Christmas. Why are you unable to prioritise their needs on this occasion?

It sounds like the girlfriend is looking for a nerdy/bookish type partner in the hope they will earn well and enable her to move here and get a visa.

Why is she looking to stay at your ex's place?

I feel sorry for your son. You've barely seen him in 2 years and he's supposed to be grateful you're picking him up from uni.

I was completely overwhelmed by paragraph two 🙄

Are you really interested in this woman? You have described her as fusty and don’t want her to be underfoot. Let her find someone who appreciates her who she can have a baby with. You concentrate on yourself and your daughter.

Agree about the paragraphs.

See you plan to be away 30th December until 8th January and your son goes back on 9th January. When do you plan to see him? Bearing in mind your girlfriend plans to be there Christmas Eve onwards?

> Ps Apologies if I’m wrong, but this does read as if when your marriage ended you moved to somewhere sunny,

No, my wife started cheating on me in 2010 with a succession of different men, and in 2015 I started building a small hotel in her home town in a misguided attempt that that might be a better future for us, and I spent time between there and the UK, and in 2019 I filed for divorce as at that time I had somewhere to live

> then met a richer better-looking woman you’re attempting to attract, chased her halfway round the world back to UK and are now insisting on inflicting her on your family. Are you trying to show her off? Make your ex jealous? Impress your parents?

There is no reason for me to want to make my ex jealous. I'm not quite sure about your logic here. I have never felt the need to impress my parents either. The only person I would be trying to impress is my friend.

I had a different girlfriend when my daughter came to visit last year, and said girlfriend was horribly jealous of my daughter, so I told her that that was a dealbreaker for me and she would have to go.

This woman otoh, is just not the jealous type at all and she asked me to invite my children to come to Morocco with us (I did, but they have exams in January and said no).

> Whatever it is, it’s inappropriate and so, so, sad that your daughter wants to spend more time with you at Christmas but you’d rather chase a new sexual prospect around Morocco. 🤢

My daughter and I spent the entire summer together, which included a six-week vacation climbing volcanoes, eating out twice a day, etc, where it was just the two of us and nobody else. Her mother goes out to dinner/bars etc. with friends and with her boyfriend about twice a week but she doesn't find room in her budget to take her with her.

I don't think 'the last three days of the school holidays' is quite as significant a time as you're making out; my daughter would be at a party at New Year anyway, not with me, and my ex certainly would not dream of missing a good party for anything.

It's not reasonable to refer to my friend as a 'new sexual prospect', in that she is very clear about 'no sex before marriage', and there are plenty of attractive women who are 'sexual prospects' if I were interested in such a thing

The 'inviting her round for Christmas at my ex's house' is the issue here, not the rest of the saga.

> It sounds like the girlfriend is looking for a nerdy/bookish type partner in the hope they will earn well and enable her to move here and get a visa.

She has offers to study at Warwick and other unis next year, there would be no issues with visas. My impression is that her mother is similarly strong-minded and her father is somewhat limp, and apparently her mother sends her suitors with fat bank accounts and fancy cars, and she finds them annoying.

> Why is she looking to stay at your ex's place?

I didn't say that she was looking to do that. I told her 'I'm going to go and help my ex find a new place to stay'. I haven't said 'you're going to be staying with my ex'.

She has only mentioned my parents and children so I'm not really sure if she's aware or not of the specific logistics.

> I feel sorry for your son. You've barely seen him in 2 years and he's supposed to be grateful you're picking him up from uni.

He's not 'supposed to be grateful', he is grateful, because I offered on Wednesday and when I visited my parents on Thursday they said that he had mentioned this to them. I did actually offer to pick him up today, but he wants to stay at uni till next Wednesday. I did call him several weeks ago to ask him to come to Morocco with us as well, but he said no.

> Are you really interested in this woman? You have described her as fusty and don’t want her to be underfoot.

I didn't use fusty is an insult. I said she is 'fusty in terms of the courting process', where fusty means old-fashioned. Since she is strictly 'no sex before marriage', and tends to see Jane Austen novels as instructive manuals, I don't see where you are reading that as insulting, I was just trying to clarify matters in case people were confused about what my relationship is with this woman.

I didn't say I don't want her to be underfoot, what I said was that she would probably be just as 'underfoot' from the perspective of my daughter or ex-wife wherever she stayed.

'whether she slept in a nearby hotel or in the house' that should say, not 'wherever she stayed'.

I don't think you should waste this new woman's time. She clearly wants children, but you're barely present for your existing ones.

Agree that you stuffed up. Cancel the ‘friend’ coming for Christmas, and keep that as family
time. Then, have the Morocco trio as friend/relationship time.

How do you explain it to your friend? I stuff up, I’m sorry. I offered for you to stay without considering the logistics, or the present people (including family) I owe obligations too. I need to cancel our arrangements over Christmas. I understand you will be disappointed at this and possibly in me, but I’d ask you to see that I am trying to do the right thing by my existing family and children, as that’s what a good person, ex-husband, son and father should do. I would treat my future partner with the same courtesy and respect.

Finally, agree with the criticisms about your writing style, lack of paragraphs and lack of summarising. I also agree fixing this would probably help you get ahead in alot of other areas of life as well.

Put it back in your pants and spend time with your kids

Your thread should have been titled “i want to destroy my relationship with my teenage children, will this work?”

even if this woman stays at a hotel, she isn’t really welcome at family Christmas gatherings with your children or your ex-wife.