I invited a friend to stay at my ex's house for Christmas, but my ex doesn't know; what should I do?

[Frictionless]

I am a divorced man. I am single, and live in the Philippines. Last Christmas I had a girlfriend, this year I am 'all alone'. I do however have a 'close friend', whom I first met in May and we live a couple of hours' flight apart. Said friend has had plans to visit the UK over Christmas/New Year since before I knew her.

About a month ago my ex-wife (also from the Philippines) told me that she had received a court order to leave our former marital home (4 bedroom, rented) by the middle of January. Bearing in mind she had been first told to leave in May but had not found anywhere to stay, possibly due to being on Universal Credit (as well as working full time), I said 'well why don't I come and help you find somewhere' and stay there over Christmas, which made sense also as I can see my parents and son, whom I haven't seen since the beginning of 2020 (my daughter came to stay over summer in 2021 and 2022 for two months each time). She said 'I'll ask my boyfriend if that's ok', and she came back and said 'it is'.

So I booked return flights to the UK from the beginning of December returning in the middle of January and have been here for 2 weeks now. I have found a place for her to stay, although it is not clear if we will be accepted (I have offered to pay six months rent in advance and provide a guarantor), we will hear on Monday.

My friend is a workaholic and it's not particularly suitable for me to visit her where she lives in that she lives in a house-share mid week and with her parents on the weekend, so if I took a flight to see her for no reason she wouldn't have a lot of time to see me. So she is coming to the UK for a holiday.

I said to her 'the weather is shit in the UK, why don't we go to Morocco together', and we are doing that for 10 days over New Year. That is settled and not an issue, though my daughter did complain initially - why was I not spending the time with her - in fact it should not be an issue in that my son will be back from uni and therefore my ex is relatively free to do what she wants with her boyfriend and then I have checked my flights back to Asia, and I can change them free of charge, so I will end up staying longer (if my ex wants me to!) until she has a new place to stay.

I said to my friend 'you can come and stay with me over Christmas'. Which is a bit awkward in that I haven't asked my ex about this, so:

• my ex is quite tired from work etc. but today finished for the year, and is going to stay with her boyfriend tomorrow till Monday. On Monday HOPEFULLY she will be able to sign a contract for a house, but that's far from clear.
• I haven't mentioned to my ex about my friend coming to stay AT ALL, but I mentioned about my parents coming over for Christmas and she said 'no, I don't want that while I don't know where I'm going to stay next year' and then she said 'why don't they invite you over?'

I could suggest to my parents that we go over there - they are 100% aware of the situation with my 'close friend', but they are somewhat aged (71) and it's not really clear whether they want Christmas guests, or less still if for example I said nothing till next Tuesday before saying 'uh, would it be ok if I stayed at your place from the 24th to the 27th with my friend & children'. There is another issue with the children, in that our son (20, at university) is autistic and tends to be a bit upset about things which he perceives to be other than as they should be (he likes having people to talk to, so I'm sure there wouldn't be an issue with having an extra Christmas guest), i.e. he previously said 'oh I'm not sure about coming home for Christmas because I spent 15 Christmases in that house and this will be the last one', but he has come to terms with that so to say 'actually we are not going do Christmas here' might not be ideal. So I have offered to pick him up from uni next Wednesday, which he was pleased about because he had some previous issues where he had some mental health problems and asked my ex to pick him up and she was unable to do so and he ended up asking a friend to do so....

So in that sense I could ask my parents 'can I, children + friend come and stay', but I am sure my children would be happiest spending Christmas with both parents at the same address (my parents live 45 minutes away, so it's not TOO far, but it's not the same thing really), and if I said 'we can all go stay there for the 24th till 27th', then I'm sure my children would also want to see their mother.

Our daughter is 15 and met my friend a couple of times over the summer, and my friend was nice to my daughter, buying her a gift, buying and decorating her room for her birthday and taking her to get her hair done. However, I mentioned to her about my friend staying over Christmas and she said 'no, she's annoying', or words to that effect. I discussed it with her first, because I thought that my ex would ask her. I think there's a bit of an issue in that my ex is working class and down-to-earth and this other woman earns much more, has two degrees, has a large disposable income and spends lots of money on her appearance, and is somewhat prim (she has a bit of a thing about Jane Austen etc.), and my daughter said 'mummy is prettier than her'. My daughter asked me earlier 'when are you going to see her?' 'I said 'we are going to the ballet on the 23rd', and my daughter said 'that's quite close to Christmas'

I suppose I should have thought a bit harder before inviting her to stay, but I didn't think it through very carefully.

WWYD?

P.S. I'm not really sure to what extent my friend is really cognizant of the mechanics of this, she as asked me about Christmas gifts for my parents and children but although she knows I am 'helping my ex find a new place to stay', I don't think she's necessarily thought 'oh yes, I am going to spend 4 days with my friend's ex-wife over Christmas'.

> OP, what is the point of asking for advice if you don’t listen to it?

I am listening to it, I'm just focusing on correcting various misapprehensions I've seen in the thread, until I actually make up my mind about what I will do, when and how. .

> From your posts you have said she said 'why dont you go stay at your parents'

yes 'you' being plural here.

I'd also read that as you only, not you and DC, go stay with your parents.

…do you expect your 15 year old daughter, and 18 year old (autistic) son to share a bedroom when he comes home from university ? Or, are you expecting someone to sleep on the sofa?

instead of spending money chasing the (not going to happen) friend, you should be spending money ensuring your children have somewhere suitable to live.

How old is your “friend”? Sorry if it’s mentioned elsewhere.

You’re not listening to anyone, so unsure why you came on here ?

> …do you expect your 15 year old daughter, and 18 year old (autistic) son to share a bedroom when he comes home from university ? Or, are you expecting someone to sleep on the sofa?

He turned 20 in June, I never said he was 18.

As I already explained, he rarely comes from university as he has a house rental.

> How old is your “friend”? Sorry if it’s mentioned elsewhere.

She is 36.

So when he isn’t in his university house rental, or when he finishes next year, where does he go to stay ?

You are prioritising your (fantasy) relationship with your “friend” (ick), over your children. It’s very straight forward - I am confused by all this navel gazing you are doing.

What are you going to do when she comes over here studying (if that is what age does)? Are you going to move back to the UK ?

This decision to rent instead of buy because you thought “houses were too over priced in 2007”.

How’s that panning out for your ability to provide stable and secure accommodation for your children?

> How’s that panning out for your ability to provide stable and secure accommodation for your children?

About as well as my wife's decision to consort with various men, I should think.

When my husband continually let down my children in all sorts of ways, I doubled down on my efforts to make sure they had the secure upbringing I wanted for them.

Not moved to the Philippines 🤷‍♀️

So much drama.

But then the sort of men who abandon their kids to live in cheap Asian countries often do have this sort of saga around them.

How old are you OP?

> When my husband continually let down my children in all sorts of ways, I doubled down on my efforts to make sure they had the secure upbringing I wanted for them.

Well I assume your husband left you and your kids, so obviously if by 'secure upbringing' you mean 'buying a house' then it would make sense for you to do that since it would be yours. 🤦‍♂️

I am not sure at which point during the saga of finding my wife had messages from some man telling her he had an STD I'm supposed to think 'oh yes, this would be a good time to buy this woman a house'.

OP, please do come back to the thread and let us know how your final decision works out over Xmas.

> How old are you OP?

I am 40.

> So when he isn’t in his university house rental, or when he finishes next year, where does he go to stay ?

I assume when he finishes uni he would get a job. That's what my sister and I did. He can also stay with me, or with his grandparents. My ex is planning to move in with her bf when my daughter finishes school.

> You are prioritising your (fantasy) relationship with your “friend” (ick), over your children. It’s very straight forward - I am confused by all this navel gazing you are doing.
> What are you going to do when she comes over here studying (if that is what age does)? Are you going to move back to the UK ?

I have no idea. She would be in the UK for 12 months from October 2023 and then has go back home (employer paying for the degree so she has to go back to work for two years). She mentioned egg freezing, so she obviously wants to find a husband but what her timelines are IDK, she is certainly not committed to me or to anyone else at this point, and I don't see how she could be if we never meet.

I am not sure why you use scare quotes around 'friend', but yes you're right that I have prioritised it.

I have no doubt been foolish here.

No doubt

You seem to think ‘your kids’ and ‘your wife’ are the same thing.

They’re not.

Has it ever occurred to you that it’s not the kids who got texts about STDs from random men?

“Well I assume your husband left you and your kids, so obviously if by 'secure upbringing' you mean 'buying a house' then it would make sense for you to do that since it would be yours. 🤦‍♂️“

Baffled that you have so totally misunderstand the point here. Who is housing your children? Not your ex-wife?!!?

I’m really confused about your timelines now - you are 40, with children aged 20 and 15 .. meaning you were 20 when you eldest was born , but, you tell us you went to university before you got a job and moved out of the family home.
….so you met your wife, when you were at university, had a child with her when you were 20, and another when you were 25 - getting married somewhere in all this.

I wonder why your ex wife was interested in other men..... 🤔

This workaholic might not be a good partner, if she thinks you are beneath her but you are hoping her fertility concerns will push her into a relationship with someone soon. But it may work, who knows!

I think introducing the woman you want to be your girlfriend, to your children, at Christmas, in front of your ex/her BF, in your previous family home is too much. Doing it in your parents home not much better.

Spend the time with your children, cook for them, go for walks, talk.

She specifically mentioned that she didn't move abroad when her kids needed stability.

Which you conveniently left out when you quoted her...

That's the bit she was referring to re stability. Their mum continually letting the family unit down (based on what you've said) and their dad deciding to live abroad rather than being their safe place to land, their security and a consistent presence.

You can't see how selfish that is?

> I’m really confused about your timelines now - you are 40, with children aged 20 and 15 .. meaning you were 20 when you eldest was born , but, you tell us you went to university before you got a job and moved out of the family home.
….so you met your wife, when you were at university, had a child with her when you were 20, and another when you were 25 - getting married somewhere in all this.

Well I was glossing over things a bit. I took a gap year and worked for 12 months during which time I lived with my grandmother, and then went on a trip to Asia for two months, during the course of that trip I had a sexual relationship. I came back to the UK and went to uni found she was pregnant, so dropped out of uni, went to the Philippines and stayed there till my son was born, then had to come back to the UK and show that I had a house & job to provide for them in order to get them visas (my British nationality is by descent, so my son wasn't entitled to live in the UK).

So for the purposes of my previous statement 'I assume when he finishes uni he would get a job. That's what my sister and I did.', then yes that is a reasonable summary of what happened.

I am not sure why you use scare quotes around 'friend', but yes you're right that I have prioritised it.

I have no doubt been selfish here.

Fixed that for you.

At least you can admit you've prioritised her over your kids I guess.

Why didn't you want to be in the same country as your children when you and your ex split up? You didn't think it would be a good parenting decision to be present in their lives at such a tough time?

I can see why your wife moved on! What a palava!

> You can't see how selfish that is?

I'm afraid I don't. I had someone try to convince me of this point in the past but he didn't persuade me and neither will you.

As I mentioned earlier in the thread I had suggested that my wife leave the family home a number of years previously but she refused to do so. However at the point when I had spent 4 years going back and forward between the UK and the Philippines while building over there, and we agreed that we would divorce I had a home, business and supportive friends there and none of those things here.

It is all very for you to say:

> their dad deciding to live abroad rather than being their safe place to land, their security and a consistent presence.

but I did not have a job, house, etc. where I could do that in the UK. It took me a long time to leave my wife whereas I should have done it much sooner, so for me to be their safe place to land et al, I would have to have been capable of actually going off and being that, yet if I was then why did I not do it any time between 2010 and 2015 and why did my wife feel she had total impunity to have whatever fun she wanted? I am not sure we can really be something we are not.

I spent the whole summer with my daughter 🤣 ffs so you think that is what parenting entails??

You haven’t seen your son since 2020 and yet you book 10 days away whilst he is off from Uni.

Not sure you can actually call yourself a Dad, more of an acquaintance.