I invited a friend to stay at my ex's house for Christmas, but my ex doesn't know; what should I do?

[Frictionless]

I am a divorced man. I am single, and live in the Philippines. Last Christmas I had a girlfriend, this year I am 'all alone'. I do however have a 'close friend', whom I first met in May and we live a couple of hours' flight apart. Said friend has had plans to visit the UK over Christmas/New Year since before I knew her.

About a month ago my ex-wife (also from the Philippines) told me that she had received a court order to leave our former marital home (4 bedroom, rented) by the middle of January. Bearing in mind she had been first told to leave in May but had not found anywhere to stay, possibly due to being on Universal Credit (as well as working full time), I said 'well why don't I come and help you find somewhere' and stay there over Christmas, which made sense also as I can see my parents and son, whom I haven't seen since the beginning of 2020 (my daughter came to stay over summer in 2021 and 2022 for two months each time). She said 'I'll ask my boyfriend if that's ok', and she came back and said 'it is'.

So I booked return flights to the UK from the beginning of December returning in the middle of January and have been here for 2 weeks now. I have found a place for her to stay, although it is not clear if we will be accepted (I have offered to pay six months rent in advance and provide a guarantor), we will hear on Monday.

My friend is a workaholic and it's not particularly suitable for me to visit her where she lives in that she lives in a house-share mid week and with her parents on the weekend, so if I took a flight to see her for no reason she wouldn't have a lot of time to see me. So she is coming to the UK for a holiday.

I said to her 'the weather is shit in the UK, why don't we go to Morocco together', and we are doing that for 10 days over New Year. That is settled and not an issue, though my daughter did complain initially - why was I not spending the time with her - in fact it should not be an issue in that my son will be back from uni and therefore my ex is relatively free to do what she wants with her boyfriend and then I have checked my flights back to Asia, and I can change them free of charge, so I will end up staying longer (if my ex wants me to!) until she has a new place to stay.

I said to my friend 'you can come and stay with me over Christmas'. Which is a bit awkward in that I haven't asked my ex about this, so:

• my ex is quite tired from work etc. but today finished for the year, and is going to stay with her boyfriend tomorrow till Monday. On Monday HOPEFULLY she will be able to sign a contract for a house, but that's far from clear.
• I haven't mentioned to my ex about my friend coming to stay AT ALL, but I mentioned about my parents coming over for Christmas and she said 'no, I don't want that while I don't know where I'm going to stay next year' and then she said 'why don't they invite you over?'

I could suggest to my parents that we go over there - they are 100% aware of the situation with my 'close friend', but they are somewhat aged (71) and it's not really clear whether they want Christmas guests, or less still if for example I said nothing till next Tuesday before saying 'uh, would it be ok if I stayed at your place from the 24th to the 27th with my friend & children'. There is another issue with the children, in that our son (20, at university) is autistic and tends to be a bit upset about things which he perceives to be other than as they should be (he likes having people to talk to, so I'm sure there wouldn't be an issue with having an extra Christmas guest), i.e. he previously said 'oh I'm not sure about coming home for Christmas because I spent 15 Christmases in that house and this will be the last one', but he has come to terms with that so to say 'actually we are not going do Christmas here' might not be ideal. So I have offered to pick him up from uni next Wednesday, which he was pleased about because he had some previous issues where he had some mental health problems and asked my ex to pick him up and she was unable to do so and he ended up asking a friend to do so....

So in that sense I could ask my parents 'can I, children + friend come and stay', but I am sure my children would be happiest spending Christmas with both parents at the same address (my parents live 45 minutes away, so it's not TOO far, but it's not the same thing really), and if I said 'we can all go stay there for the 24th till 27th', then I'm sure my children would also want to see their mother.

Our daughter is 15 and met my friend a couple of times over the summer, and my friend was nice to my daughter, buying her a gift, buying and decorating her room for her birthday and taking her to get her hair done. However, I mentioned to her about my friend staying over Christmas and she said 'no, she's annoying', or words to that effect. I discussed it with her first, because I thought that my ex would ask her. I think there's a bit of an issue in that my ex is working class and down-to-earth and this other woman earns much more, has two degrees, has a large disposable income and spends lots of money on her appearance, and is somewhat prim (she has a bit of a thing about Jane Austen etc.), and my daughter said 'mummy is prettier than her'. My daughter asked me earlier 'when are you going to see her?' 'I said 'we are going to the ballet on the 23rd', and my daughter said 'that's quite close to Christmas'

I suppose I should have thought a bit harder before inviting her to stay, but I didn't think it through very carefully.

WWYD?

P.S. I'm not really sure to what extent my friend is really cognizant of the mechanics of this, she as asked me about Christmas gifts for my parents and children but although she knows I am 'helping my ex find a new place to stay', I don't think she's necessarily thought 'oh yes, I am going to spend 4 days with my friend's ex-wife over Christmas'.

I had someone try to convince me of this point in the past but he didn't persuade me and neither will you.

Colour me shocked.

You've admitted you prioritised your 'friend' over your children when it comes to Christmas and January plans. Genuine question - how do you think that isn't selfish?

I had a home, business and supportive friends there and none of those things here.

I did not have a job, house, etc. where I could do that in the UK.

So you put your own stability above your children's? I don't believe you couldn't have found work in the UK, even if it meant earning less than out there.

Nobody has a job or house... until they get a job or house. Instead of trying to do so, you left your kids to it with a woman you say is selfish and didn't put the family first.

Another genuine question - do you think you're a good father?

As I mentioned earlier in the thread I had suggested that my wife leave the family home a number of years previously but she refused to do so

This would be the wife who is single handedly doing the parenting and supporting her family whilst being on a low income?

Yes I can see why she didn't jump at the chance to leave the family home when she is the one providing the family element of parenting

I agree with this.
Why can’t you cancel your friend completely, does she have family she could visit and stay with?
Then spend time with your children and parents and see your friend in the New Year when your children are back at school and uni.

Sounds to me like your penis is doing all the thinking here…. And they’re not very smart

“I had someone try to convince me of this point in the past but he didn't persuade me and neither will you.”

Not much more anyone can say to this, is there?

You thought your wife was playing around with other men, and not prioritising her family.
So you decided the best course of action would be to leave (what must have been very young) children for her to raise on her own, as she saw fit.

WOW SORRY YOU'VE NEVER MET HER?!
But have invited her to Christmas with your kids, and booked a 10 day holiday with her?!

You are in idiot. Your poor kids!

It is a bit confusing, but I think he has met her as the DD said she found her annoying.

> You've admitted you prioritised your 'friend' over your children when it comes to Christmas and January plans. Genuine question - how do you think that isn't selfish?

I think I mentioned this earlier in the thread, but my daughter said 'you could marry her and live here'. Which might happen. Or probably not, IDK.

And if it doesn't happen then I'm almost certainly going to marry some other woman over there, in which case I'm rather less likely to live here in the future.

I don't think it is as straightforward as simply 'you are taking her off on holiday when you should be with your kids', I do also need to think about what I am going to be doing with myself for the next 40 years, which obviously has an impact on me and my children beyond these few days over Christmas and New Year

> So you put your own stability above your children's? I don't believe you couldn't have found work in the UK, even if it meant earning less than out there.

No, I was saying if I am not stable in terms of coping living on my own in the UK, then how could I provide this 'beacon of stability' to my children. I didn't see myself as coping on my own here.

> Instead of trying to do so, you left your kids to it with a woman you say is selfish and didn't put the family first.

Well in practice I had spent much of 2016-2018 over there, so it wasn't necessarily 'leaving them to it' significantly more than was already the case.

> Another genuine question - do you think you're a good father?

I wouldn't say I'm a good father or a good person, particularly. I am more aware of my various personal shortcomings than I was 20 years ago. My ex-wife is not given to introspection/self-examination, but my 'friend' likes to discuss things, which I find constructive.

What an appalling excuse for a father you are.

I wouldn't say I'm a good father or a good person, particularly.

How do you feel about your children?

Do you genuinely miss them?

In your ideal world would you live nearer to them?

Do you wonder every day what they're up to?

Do you know their best friends names?

Do you know what their favourite meal is?

Do you know what GCSEs your daughter is planning to take?

You sound utterly disconnected and to be honest pretty disinterested.

I don't think it is as straightforward as simply 'you are taking her off on holiday when you should be with your kids', I do also need to think about what I am going to be doing with myself for the next 40 years, which obviously has an impact on me and my children beyond these few days over Christmas and New Year

And of that 40 years, you can't dedicate ten days over Christmas and new year to your children, without involving a woman you want a relationship with but aren't in one with?

It's laughable you said 'well I invited my son on the trip with us'. It would be awkward as fuck for an 18 year old bloke to go on holiday with his dad and his dad's brand new girlfriend, let alone a woman he isn't even in a relationship but is hoping to shag!

What a mess. I don't doubt this is true though as I know several men who have ended up in these situations.

Well this brings self-centred to a whole new level.

> WOW SORRY YOU'VE NEVER MET HER?!

No:

1. we met in May (twice, for dinner)
2. after that we corresponded over chat/phone and have done so since then continuously.
3. I met her in July, twice, just before my daughter arrived (in the same city, but my daughter did not meet her)
4. After that I was on vacation with my daughter and we crossed paths about 10 days later, as she was on a business trip, so the three of us went out for dinner together. I mentioned it was my daughter's birthday tomorrow. She said 'why don't you take her to the salon, here's the one I use', so I did and she had 'Japanese hair straightening', which she remains immensely pleased with. While she was having her hair done, my friend had ordered balloons and other birthday decorations and brought them over and helped me to stick them up in our hotel room. She also bought her a dress and a birthday cake (we ended up with three birthday cakes, as there was one from the hotel as well). After that she went back to her hotel (my daughter and I had a 3 hotel, she had the top 5) and I took my daughter out to dinner. The next day (or day after?) the three of us went out for dinner again.
5. In September my friend needed to get a new passport from the German embassy. Unfortunately he had an accident and can no longer walk, so his wife asked me to help them on the plane etc. As this meant I was travelling to the same city, we met up again.

> Do you know their best friends names?
> Do you know what their favourite meal is?
> Do you know what GCSEs your daughter is planning to take?

Yes of course I know all these things, I cooked most of their meals since they were born, chose their schools and unis, took them to and from school for a decade, etc. I'm not sure why you think I don't know who they are.

> let alone a woman he isn't even in a relationship but is hoping to shag!

Again, I'm not 'hoping to shag her'. I'm trying to find out whether we have a future together. The only way I 'shag her' is if we get married, you are being grossly reductionist

is fusty really a word? I thought it was a typo.

will ex wife’s boyfriend be there at Xmas?

my life with my step kids was always separate, which was their mothers choice. She would not go to anything if my husband or I was there. Pick ups and drop offs would be no contact. They would get out one car and into the other. It was honestly awful.

I went to a school thing today for dsd partners child, and it was so lovely as dsd, her partner, his ex, his exes mum and I were all there together. Everyone was friendly and courteous, sitting together talking ect. It’s definitely a much nicer way to be than how it was for my dsd. Her mum still to this day would refuse to attend anything if we were there. I doubt dsd will ever get married as she knows it would be too upsetting. (And no dh didn’t cheat with me or anything. She left him and had another baby, and then we got together)

so I think if you can set aside differences and all get along, then do it. I think Christmas with both parents and both their new partners is nice for the kids.

Yes of course I know all these things, I cooked most of their meals since they were born, chose their schools and unis, took them to and from school for a decade, etc. I'm not sure why you think I don't know who they are.

That's good you know those things.

You're not sure why I questioned how engaged you are as a father, when you chose to live abroad for convenience and aren't able to commit ten days to them over an important time of the year without involving a woman you're romantically interested in? Good grief.

You didn't answer these questions and I'd be interested in what you say:

How do you feel about your children?

Do you genuinely miss them?

In your ideal world would you live nearer to them?

Do you wonder every day what they're up to?

It sounds like you're pretty happy with the status quo of living abroad while they remain in the UK and doing the fun bits - travel etc with them, rather than the day to day stuff. I refer to your younger child obviously as your older one won't require as much of that as he becomes an adult.

If this 'friend' said she wanted to marry you tomorrow and start trying to conceive immediately, it sounds like you'd say yes. Am I correct?

Yes, fusty is a word:

"old-fashioned in ideas and beliefs:

'Rupert's father belongs to some fusty old gentleman's club where they don't allow women in.'"

The boyfriend might be around at some point, Boxing Day maybe? His kids live with his ex-wife about 2 hours away I think he is going to see them on Xmas day though he's actually Muslim (which really only means 'no pork', but doesn't stop him drinking and smoking weed etc.) so isn't very big on Xmas and apparently didn't buy any gifts last year (his ex-wife I assume is white British agnostic, but IDK).

He has so far refused to come around while I am here, because he is bashful, so I think my ex-wife is finding this a bit inconvenient. I don't have a problem with him in the slightest because he is the latest in a line of men, so I don't blame him at all. However, when I came in the other day from the supermarket and I walked in the living room my ex was on video call to him, and he just froze and stopped speaking until I left, so he's obviously quite embarrassed by the situation.

She has gone off to a party today with some female friends and is then going to stay with him overnight or possibly until Monday.

Would your DC say that you're a good father?
Would they say that they have a good mother?

If you don't feel you've been a good father (and I'd agree with you, from what you've written), then why on earth are you not trying to make it up to them?

Why are you getting involved with finding your ex a new home? Why isn't her boyfriend doing that?

Why are you planning a Christmas and NY with your friend, staying at your ex's home when you've only ever spend 6 occasions with her? And she doesn't seem keen to develop the relationship with you.

Why don't you want to spend more time with your DS?

When are you planning to spend time with your parents?

You sound like someone who doesn't want to settle anywhere. Who likes to travel and to use people when they have something you want. You don't have any regard for people in between their times of use to you.

You aren't committed to anyone. You aren't reliable or a stable influence.

You've invited a friend to stay at your ex's. You'll be taking a trip to Morocco midway through your stay. Your infatuation with this friend is driving your actions. To the detriment of all other relationships which you seem happy to pick up and discard as the mood takes you, and you have no qualms of the disruption your actions cause.

This was meant to say 20 year old bloke not 18. Equally as ridiculously awkward and odd to ask of him especially when you say you son's autism specifically means he finds change / irregularities stressful. Inviting him was totally at odds with what you know he could cope with.

OMG so many words. Writing and writing is not going to make it any better. You live on the other side of the world from your family, stop being selfish and spend your visit with your family not your “special friend”.

I could read it. FAR too long

> It sounds like you're pretty happy with the status quo of living abroad while they remain in the UK and doing the fun bits - travel etc with them, rather than the day to day stuff. I refer to your younger child obviously as your older one won't require as much of that as he becomes an adult.

Well I used to take my daughter to toddler groups because I was working from home, and did pretty much all the day to day stuff. It's not that I don't want to do the day to day stuff, I'm pretty boring tbh, it's just that I tend to stick with a status quo, whether that was being with a cheating wife, or now living on the other side of the world. It's not really a case of 'this is what I would like to do', just 'this is how things are'.

I keep in contact with my children to find out what they are doing. Obviously I miss them.

I'm pretty boring tbh, it's just that I tend to stick with a status quo, whether that was being with a cheating wife, or now living on the other side of the world. It's not really a case of 'this is what I would like to do', just 'this is how things are'.

This is such a passive and ineffective way of living though. And irresponsible when you have children.

The behaviour you're modelling to them is that when things are shit, you just keep them shit and don't try your best (or at all really) to make a better life for yourself, whether that means leaving a partner who cheats on you or making sacrifices to live nearer to your children.

You're teaching them that life just happens and you let it. Not that they can and should aspire to be happy and have lives they are in control of. It's such a shame and unfair on them.

Be honest - if this 'friend' said she wanted to marry you tomorrow and start trying to conceive immediately, it sounds like you'd say yes. Am I correct?