I invited a friend to stay at my ex's house for Christmas, but my ex doesn't know; what should I do?

[Frictionless]

I am a divorced man. I am single, and live in the Philippines. Last Christmas I had a girlfriend, this year I am 'all alone'. I do however have a 'close friend', whom I first met in May and we live a couple of hours' flight apart. Said friend has had plans to visit the UK over Christmas/New Year since before I knew her.

About a month ago my ex-wife (also from the Philippines) told me that she had received a court order to leave our former marital home (4 bedroom, rented) by the middle of January. Bearing in mind she had been first told to leave in May but had not found anywhere to stay, possibly due to being on Universal Credit (as well as working full time), I said 'well why don't I come and help you find somewhere' and stay there over Christmas, which made sense also as I can see my parents and son, whom I haven't seen since the beginning of 2020 (my daughter came to stay over summer in 2021 and 2022 for two months each time). She said 'I'll ask my boyfriend if that's ok', and she came back and said 'it is'.

So I booked return flights to the UK from the beginning of December returning in the middle of January and have been here for 2 weeks now. I have found a place for her to stay, although it is not clear if we will be accepted (I have offered to pay six months rent in advance and provide a guarantor), we will hear on Monday.

My friend is a workaholic and it's not particularly suitable for me to visit her where she lives in that she lives in a house-share mid week and with her parents on the weekend, so if I took a flight to see her for no reason she wouldn't have a lot of time to see me. So she is coming to the UK for a holiday.

I said to her 'the weather is shit in the UK, why don't we go to Morocco together', and we are doing that for 10 days over New Year. That is settled and not an issue, though my daughter did complain initially - why was I not spending the time with her - in fact it should not be an issue in that my son will be back from uni and therefore my ex is relatively free to do what she wants with her boyfriend and then I have checked my flights back to Asia, and I can change them free of charge, so I will end up staying longer (if my ex wants me to!) until she has a new place to stay.

I said to my friend 'you can come and stay with me over Christmas'. Which is a bit awkward in that I haven't asked my ex about this, so:

• my ex is quite tired from work etc. but today finished for the year, and is going to stay with her boyfriend tomorrow till Monday. On Monday HOPEFULLY she will be able to sign a contract for a house, but that's far from clear.
• I haven't mentioned to my ex about my friend coming to stay AT ALL, but I mentioned about my parents coming over for Christmas and she said 'no, I don't want that while I don't know where I'm going to stay next year' and then she said 'why don't they invite you over?'

I could suggest to my parents that we go over there - they are 100% aware of the situation with my 'close friend', but they are somewhat aged (71) and it's not really clear whether they want Christmas guests, or less still if for example I said nothing till next Tuesday before saying 'uh, would it be ok if I stayed at your place from the 24th to the 27th with my friend & children'. There is another issue with the children, in that our son (20, at university) is autistic and tends to be a bit upset about things which he perceives to be other than as they should be (he likes having people to talk to, so I'm sure there wouldn't be an issue with having an extra Christmas guest), i.e. he previously said 'oh I'm not sure about coming home for Christmas because I spent 15 Christmases in that house and this will be the last one', but he has come to terms with that so to say 'actually we are not going do Christmas here' might not be ideal. So I have offered to pick him up from uni next Wednesday, which he was pleased about because he had some previous issues where he had some mental health problems and asked my ex to pick him up and she was unable to do so and he ended up asking a friend to do so....

So in that sense I could ask my parents 'can I, children + friend come and stay', but I am sure my children would be happiest spending Christmas with both parents at the same address (my parents live 45 minutes away, so it's not TOO far, but it's not the same thing really), and if I said 'we can all go stay there for the 24th till 27th', then I'm sure my children would also want to see their mother.

Our daughter is 15 and met my friend a couple of times over the summer, and my friend was nice to my daughter, buying her a gift, buying and decorating her room for her birthday and taking her to get her hair done. However, I mentioned to her about my friend staying over Christmas and she said 'no, she's annoying', or words to that effect. I discussed it with her first, because I thought that my ex would ask her. I think there's a bit of an issue in that my ex is working class and down-to-earth and this other woman earns much more, has two degrees, has a large disposable income and spends lots of money on her appearance, and is somewhat prim (she has a bit of a thing about Jane Austen etc.), and my daughter said 'mummy is prettier than her'. My daughter asked me earlier 'when are you going to see her?' 'I said 'we are going to the ballet on the 23rd', and my daughter said 'that's quite close to Christmas'

I suppose I should have thought a bit harder before inviting her to stay, but I didn't think it through very carefully.

WWYD?

P.S. I'm not really sure to what extent my friend is really cognizant of the mechanics of this, she as asked me about Christmas gifts for my parents and children but although she knows I am 'helping my ex find a new place to stay', I don't think she's necessarily thought 'oh yes, I am going to spend 4 days with my friend's ex-wife over Christmas'.

This

The 'inviting her round for Christmas at my ex's house' is the issue here, not the rest of the saga.

And the answer is really clear, it was a bad idea all round to invite her. You are already seeing her in morocco, leave it at that. Call her and say, 'I stupidly didn't think the offer through. It would be highly inappropriate for me to expect my ex and children to have you in their home over Christmas. I need to put their needs first. I am really sorry for messing you around. I will see you at the airport for our flight.'

So:
You have not seen your son for 2 years but have compromised the time he comes home from Uni by having your friend present

Your daughter has already said she feels put out that you are spending time with friend, not her, your daughter

You have invited friend into your ex’s house without asking

And as an alternative are thinking of inviting yourself, friend and kids to to your parents, thus suddenly leaving your ex without her kids for Christmas.

All of this is to prioritise your friend, who you are trying to persuade to be your girlfriend / partner.

You need to prioritise your children.

Quickly find an Air BnB or other accommodation for you / friend.

Go to ballet with friend but make it clear that over Christmas you need to spend quality time with your kids and she will need to be self sufficient / independent for some of the time. You must spend some time with your kids where she is not present.

And look. If you are not yet in a relationship, this hot mess of a Christmas isn’t going to convince her. So don’t do any further damage to your relationship with your kids in pursuit of your friend.

It’s another one of these isn’t it :

OP “AIBU”
MN “yes”
OP “No I’m not”

I mean what’s the point ?

..and for the record, if this whole saga is true - your “friend” is never going to marry you.. so in that respect you are wasting your time. She’ll follow what her mother wants her to do, and you don’t cut the mustard financially.

Teenagers need their parents, your kids are 15 and 18 (?), you live in another country …. For reasons that can’t quite understand (I think you moved there hoping that EW would move there with you, but never did, so not sure why you didn’t come back). You seem to think that the odd week, here and there, is effective parenting, but it isn’t.

The house that EW is leaving, due to S21 - this is your family home? Why is it rented ? Did you never buy a family home ? If the EW is moving to a 2 bed flat, where is your son going to stay when back from Uni? I’m a bit confused by the housing aspect of your story.

Whole thing is messy, but, reads like someone who thinks that the world should revolve around them.

Well your son would probably just like to spend time with you and I can see why heading off to Morocco with you and a strange woman he's never met isn't an interesting prospect.

It's difficult that your wife has cheated on you. However that's no excuse to not see your children & when you do have the chance you want to invite a new prospective girlfriend along.

Does new lady even celebrate Christmas? Can't you just see her once Christmas is over?

Lots of us are saying to prioritise your son & daughter. They have verbalised that they wish to do this. Yet you're ignoring them. Your son is autistic with anxiety. Surely you can see that going off to Morocco isn't ideal.

Spot on!

What on earth makes you think that you have the right to make the decision to take the kids to your parents over Christmas without so much as considering your exs feelings in all of this?

You've seen your daughter for 6 weeks out of 52, you haven't seen your son all year, their mother does the vast vast majority of the parenting yet you think you have the right to dictate their christmas plans?

Meanwhile you spend a lot of money on your daughter but only when she visits, have plenty of money to be whizzing around the world with your girlfriend, but complain that your ex, who is on universal credit, doesn't spend enough on your daughter. Maybe you need to up your financial support of your ex if you provide any.

And no you shouldn't expect your children to share you over Christmas with a women who isn't even your girlfriend yet. You shouldn't even have introduced her to your daughter until you were sure it was a stable long term relationship.

I don’t think it’s fair to invite her for Christmas no. Stick to seeing her in Morocco and spend time with your children

No, my wife started cheating on me in 2010 with a succession of different men

Maybe those men spoke in much shorter paragraphs?

Maybe those men spoke in much shorter paragraphs?

^^sorry that was mean, I do apologise but I feel like you’re writing an awful lot of text just to justify the fact you’d rather chase some skirt rather than spend time with your kids.

How can I explain that I’m selfish and prioritise my nob instead of my kids in 5 million words.
Nailed it.

You lost me at “I live in the Philippines……all alone”

and then it turns out you’ve got 2 teenage children!

The rest of that endurance exercise of a post, was all noise after that.

Ha ha.
The men haters are up and on MN.

OP you didn't think this through and you know that.
Ring the woman and tell her that you're ex will not be moving before Xmas and for her and your dc's sake you need to have a last family Christmas together.
Apologise profusely and hope she doesn't feel too let down.

> ..and for the record, if this whole saga is true - your “friend” is never going to marry you.. so in that respect you are wasting your time. She’ll follow what her mother wants her to do, and you don’t cut the mustard financially.

actually she had a man (Dutch) about 6 or 7 years ago whom she introduced to her parents and they said 'no'. She was heartbroken and ended up in hospital. Eventually he married someone else. But the mother has changed her tune due to the passage of time to 'just marry anyone and give me grandchildren'.

> What on earth makes you think that you have the right to make the decision to take the kids to your parents over Christmas without so much as considering your exs feelings in all of this?

I didn't say that.

In fact:

• when I got here, ex said 'I threw the dining chairs away, if you want your parents to come over you'll have to get some more'
• on Wednesday I went to see them and when I came back she asked if we [being me and the children] had been invited there, and I said 'I thought they were coming here'. She said 'I don't want a big Christmas when I'm worrying about where I'm going to be living next year, why don't you go stay with your parents'.
• I didn't enquire as to what she meant exactly by 'go stay with them', because she seemed a bit tired, but it was her suggestion to take them to my parents, not mine.

> The house that EW is leaving, due to S21 - this is your family home?

Yes

> Why is it rented ?

Because in 2007 I felt property prices were overpriced and this was much cheaper than a mortgage, and then there was never a point after that where I felt 'we should go buy a house'

> If the EW is moving to a 2 bed flat, where is your son going to stay when back from Uni? I’m a bit confused by the housing aspect of your story.

The 2-bed flat we made an offer on had 2 adults and 2 children living in it. My son rents a house share and doesn't really leave it except at Christmas.

So you seem to think she should host her ex inlaws for Christmas despite the fact she's stressed about being evicted and moving house.

She then asked you to go and stay with your parents, which seems pretty reasonable

And from that you have decided it would be okay to take the children away from their mum for several days (whether they want to or not) over christmas?

> And from that you have decided it would be okay to take the children away from their mum for several days (whether they want to or not) over christmas?

As I explained it was my ex's suggestion that we go to my parents house. At no point have I suggested it was 'ok', it was just that she originally suggested they cam here and now has suggested that we (me and kids) go there.

Ha ha.
The men haters are up and on MN.

OP you didn't think this through and you know that.
Ring the woman and tell her that you're ex will not be moving before Xmas and for her and your dc's sake you need to have a last family Christmas together.
Apologise profusely and hope she doesn't feel too let down.

And yet your advice to OP is exactly the same as those man-haters. Interesting.

Sorry OP, reading this has given me a headache..I'm going to go lay down lol

OP, what is the point of asking for advice if you don’t listen to it?

From your posts you have said she said 'why dont you go stay at your parents'

Bloody hell, that was War & Peace. I gave up and for that you ABU.

TLDR - you’ve been an asshole and aren’t accepting responsibility for that

This sounds Iike a good way to handle it. I really think given you've barley seen your son in the last two years, (covid and all that, not blaming, fact) and you're going to Morocco for part of the time he's home, that the days over Christmas should be focused on your DC. There's no way having her there is going to end well. Your DC deserve to be the focus over Christmas, not some drama you've caused because of an impetuous decision you don't want to back down from.

Everything about your posts is unreasonable 🙈.