I’m gay… but married

Crazydandelion · 2022-12-16T18:17:43+00:00

Has anyone been in this situation? I have previously suspected I might not be straight and had a very brief same sex relationship in my early 20s. That relationship was the ‘highlight’ of my life, sorry. I know that sounds stupid. Now I am in my 40s with three dc and I am absolutely certain that I am a lesbian. I can barely bring myself to have sex with DH anymore - I have to be drunk. It is like a gradual acceptance over a number of years, and then I reached 40 and it was suddenly very obvious in a way it hasn’t been before. Possibly because I didn’t want it to be. My realisation coincided with the loss of my mum, and I think this may be why it is suddenly more obvious to me. She’d have never approved and part of why my same sex relationship didn’t work out was because I wasn’t able to be out due to my mother’s absolute horror. What the fuck do I do with it now though? Is it too late? It no longer impacts just me, I’ve a husband and 3 dc. It would be a lot better to put it away again but I don’t know if I can do that indefinitely without making myself ill. Is that really selfish?

SanFranBear · 16/12/2022 18:22

Its not happened to me but it sounds like you're living a half life and noone deserves that.

I think you need to take a deep breath and talk to your DH. Will he have any idea? Is your relationship happy - I'm guessing if you need to be shitfaced to be intimate, probably not...

Good luck, OP!

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/12/2022 18:24

No. You only get one life, and you are hopefully only around half way through yours. it would be ridiculous to remain married to a bloke if you’re gay. He will not thank you when you finally throw him over when you decide your kids are old enough ‘sorry darling our marriage was a lie.’

Just take a breath and figure out the practicalities of separating. If you need to get some counselling do. You children will be fine. Don’t make a drama out of a crisis and don’t use them as an excuse to stay because it’s the less scary option.

Original poster

Crazydandelion · 16/12/2022 18:36

It’s just all a risk and it’s not just my life / happiness on the line.
I am belatedly angry with my own mum for behaving as she did when I was clearly happy in the same sex relationship I had. It didn’t matter that I was happy, it made her feel uncomfortable and her being so difficult about it and refusing to acknowledge my then gf was really hard. We were only together about six months and maybe it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.

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heartbroken40 · 16/12/2022 18:44

I think you have to sacrifice your own happiness. You have 3 DCs and they don't deserve to be subject to all this upheaval. How old are they? I would wait until the youngest leaves home before doing anything

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/12/2022 18:48

On the other hand, your poor DH. Married to someone who i assume he loves who doesn’t realise that you don’t love him. Or, probably more precisely, whom you are not attracted to.

you need to tell him. You need to be honest. And you need to not throw him under a bus. So don’t kick him out of the house etc. it’s not his fault you’ve lied to him for years.

ReluctantLondoners · 16/12/2022 18:49

I'm really sorry to read this op. It sounds so painful.

You cannot remain married to someone who isn't even the right sex for you.

It may be really hard to begin with, but I think it needs to be done.

Hopefully someone else will be along soon who has more experience of this

AmITooTired · 16/12/2022 18:50

How old are your kids?

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 18:52

heartbroken40 · 16/12/2022 18:44

I think you have to sacrifice your own happiness. You have 3 DCs and they don't deserve to be subject to all this upheaval. How old are they? I would wait until the youngest leaves home before doing anything

And condemns her husband to a sex less marriage he didn't sign up for, or continue to have to get drunk to let her DH use her body?

Is an amicable split now worse than him cheating down the line or op putting herself through sex once a month for years?

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 16/12/2022 18:52

I'm not sure if I agree with you there @heartbroken40 . I do understand your thought process but my ex H left me when my DC were 1 and 3 and they are now 12 and 15.

It has most definitely shaped their / our lives and hugely changed the course of what it 'should' have looked like.

That said him leaving (and he is still very involved in their lives) was with hindsight the absolute best time for it to happen. They don't have years of memories of an awkward atmosphere in the house. No arguments. I would never have agreed with this at the time but now I know it was the right thing- though I do appreciate every situation is different.

Octo5 · 16/12/2022 18:54

Just separate from your husband, be single for a while and then decide how you feel.

It sounds like you are bi sexual rather than gay and that you are just not attracted to your DH anymore.

Moving out and being single for a year or 2 will allow you to truly be yourself.

Original poster

Crazydandelion · 16/12/2022 18:55

It pains me that people in with ‘you’ve lied to him.’
I have been married for the best part of 20 years, I’ve not cheated on him. I love him. I didn’t go into this with a view that this would be the outcome and if I could be straight I would be.
I understand that it looks like that from the outside but believe me the power of compulsory heterosexuality is strong!

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Original poster

Crazydandelion · 16/12/2022 18:56

Dc are 8, 10 and 12.

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BiscuitLover3678 · 16/12/2022 18:58

Are you and dh actually happy? Because if you need to be drunk to have sex, that’s not great at all. He also deserves better op. You all deserve better. It sounds like you are more like coparenting friends anyway. I think it would be really good to see a counsellor so you can work out your own thoughts before you talk to your husband.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2022 19:02

You may not have lied to your husband in the past, but you are definitely lying by omission now. You need to tell him you're gay so that he can make the best choices for himself as well.

HamBone · 16/12/2022 19:03

I agree with a PP that seeing a counsellor before you speak to your husband might be a good idea. At least it'll give you a chance to process your feelings and how you'll approach this with him.

Flip the situation around for a moment: what if your husband felt he was gay, could hardly bear to have sex with you, and thought he should stay with you for the children's sake. How would that make you feel? I know I'd feel that the sooner he told me, the better, so I could move on with my life.

Greenfairydust · 16/12/2022 19:12

''@heartbroken40 · Today 18:44
I think you have to sacrifice your own happiness. You have 3 DCs and they don't deserve to be subject to all this upheaval. How old are they? I would wait until the youngest leaves home before doing anything''

What a lot of nonsense.

No one should be living a lie like this and forcing themselves to have sex with someone they don't even fancy to the point that they need to be drunk to do so.

People divorce everyday. That's the mature thing to do once you no longer love your partner. Not play the ''martyr''.

In this case the OP's husband also deserve the truth and a chance to find happiness with someone else.

WonderingWanda · 16/12/2022 19:13

Take your sexuality out of the equation. You are unhappy in your relationship. You don't enjoy your sex life. Your choice is to stay in this unhappy relationship or leave. What would either of these outcomes look like? Could you afford to separate? Would you be prepared to share custody of your kids. Will staying affect your mental health? Should you be haing sex with him if you need to be drunk to do it, that is not healthy. Could you just stop having sex? How would your dh feel about that? These are the things you need to think about. Worry about the sexuality later.

nancydroo · 16/12/2022 19:18

Put the kids before yourself. Don't ruin their lives over reminiscing and regret over a six month relationship. Also strong feelings occur when a parent passes and this can derail you for a while. Many adults in long term relationships don't have sex. Accept that your romantic life is done with and your responsibility is not to cock up the lives of your children where you can help it. Give their future relationships the best chance by not fracturing their childhoods.

Original poster

Crazydandelion · 16/12/2022 19:23

I have spoken with DH before about sex and the possibility I might be gay.
He doesn’t want to have a sexless relationship, which is absolutely fair enough.
But it does mean my options are having sex I don’t want or ending the relationship. I have stuck it out for five years already, post realisation.
I don’t know if at some point sticking it out longer will mean my dc end up with no mother at all.

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BiscuitLover3678 · 16/12/2022 19:23

nancydroo · 16/12/2022 19:18

Put the kids before yourself. Don't ruin their lives over reminiscing and regret over a six month relationship. Also strong feelings occur when a parent passes and this can derail you for a while. Many adults in long term relationships don't have sex. Accept that your romantic life is done with and your responsibility is not to cock up the lives of your children where you can help it. Give their future relationships the best chance by not fracturing their childhoods.

Putting your kids before yourself is living in an unhappy marriage?
Dont be ridiculous. This isn’t 1950. Be an example to your kids and be a decent parent but also look after yourself.

BiscuitLover3678 · 16/12/2022 19:24

Crazydandelion · 16/12/2022 19:23

I have spoken with DH before about sex and the possibility I might be gay.
He doesn’t want to have a sexless relationship, which is absolutely fair enough.
But it does mean my options are having sex I don’t want or ending the relationship. I have stuck it out for five years already, post realisation.
I don’t know if at some point sticking it out longer will mean my dc end up with no mother at all.

This is really good you’ve spoken about it. He knows it works for both of you two end it.
This is scary but an exciting journey for you both.

orangegato · 16/12/2022 19:25

Google comphet, it’s a thing

Purplemagnolias · 16/12/2022 19:27

But it does mean my options are having sex I don’t want or ending the relationship.

How's the rest of your relationship, apart from the sex part? Do you love him?

nancydroo · 16/12/2022 19:34

Crazydandelion · 16/12/2022 19:23

I have spoken with DH before about sex and the possibility I might be gay.
He doesn’t want to have a sexless relationship, which is absolutely fair enough.
But it does mean my options are having sex I don’t want or ending the relationship. I have stuck it out for five years already, post realisation.
I don’t know if at some point sticking it out longer will mean my dc end up with no mother at all.

If you're suggesting that staying put could lead you to end your life, it would be better to leave. They need their mother after all. The grass isn't going to be greener on the other side.
My opinion, it isn't worth the upset and you're giving up too much for a fantasy that's got its own struggles.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 16/12/2022 19:36

Sorry OP I think the situation is unsustainable and unfair on you both.

You and your husband both deserve to be happy and going your separate ways may be the only way to achieve that.

Yes it will be difficult for your children, but if the split remains amicable you can avoid many of the issues kids experience with parents who are no longer together.

My uncle in law experienced this with his wife. He realised he was gay in his 40s. He left (and met his now husband) and his wife went on to remarry. His step-son was angry at the time (he was a teenager when it happened) but now all involved are on very happy terms with each other.

Good luck OP.