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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m gay… but married

56 replies

Crazydandelion · 16/12/2022 18:17

Has anyone been in this situation?
I have previously suspected I might not be straight and had a very brief same sex relationship in my early 20s. That relationship was the ‘highlight’ of my life, sorry. I know that sounds stupid.
Now I am in my 40s with three dc and I am absolutely certain that I am a lesbian.
I can barely bring myself to have sex with DH anymore - I have to be drunk.
It is like a gradual acceptance over a number of years, and then I reached 40 and it was suddenly very obvious in a way it hasn’t been before. Possibly because I didn’t want it to be.
My realisation coincided with the loss of my mum, and I think this may be why it is suddenly more obvious to me. She’d have never approved and part of why my same sex relationship didn’t work out was because I wasn’t able to be out due to my mother’s absolute horror.

What the fuck do I do with it now though? Is it too late?
It no longer impacts just me, I’ve a husband and 3 dc.
It would be a lot better to put it away again but I don’t know if I can do that indefinitely without making myself ill. Is that really selfish?

OP posts:
waterSpider · 16/12/2022 19:40

You're probably going to be on this earth for another 40 years, how do you want to spend them?
You struggle on, or you separate, or you have a more 'open' relationship.

Hopefulblogger · 16/12/2022 20:12

@Crazydandelion OP, I have just been on the receiving end of this news from DH although he is not definite about his sexuality, we have decided to separate. It is unfair of posters to say your relationship is/was a lie. I know my dh loves me very much and is so conflicted. I wish you all the best in your decision moving forward.

IfIHadAHeart · 16/12/2022 20:24

I think you need to deal with this in two parts. Firstly, your unhappy marriage. Leave. Neither of you are happy and fulfilled in this relationship. Deal with the fallout, take some time to work out what it is you want once you’re free to make such decisions. Lots of children go through their parents divorcing and it doesn’t need to be as traumatic as some posters on here would have you believe…

A new relationship with a partner of either sex would presumably come further down the line anyway, and can be dealt with then.

piper678 · 16/12/2022 20:25

I know of someone who came out as gay in his 70s (after being married and had grandchildren!) and went and finally lived the life that he wanted. So, better to do it now than waste more time. It's not too late

Eixample · 16/12/2022 20:30

You’re showing your children how to live.
Currently you are showing them how to put up with a dysfunctional marriage, even if you are the only one who knows how deeply dysfunctional it is.
If you leave you will show them how to be true to yourself.
Do it thoughtfully and after Christmas, but do it.
He also deserves a woman who loves him on every level, and it can’t be you.

Schlaar · 16/12/2022 20:33

I think if you made the decision to have 3 DC then you need to prioritise them above your own desires. Your marriage isn’t abusive so there’s no reason why you can’t stay until the kids are 18. Anyway you can’t exactly leave and start dating when you have 3 kids to look after!

ShangPie · 16/12/2022 20:53

Agree with PP about getting some counseling for yourself before any serious discussions with DH

Also consider opening up your relationship as an option for staying married but seeing other people. It doesn’t always work out but it’s an option that might be good for a few years without blowing everything up immediately.

HamBone · 16/12/2022 21:00

I just don't see how the status quo can work if you need to get drunk to have sex with your DH. I think you do need to discuss this further- perhaps a sexless relationship, in which you can both see other people might work. If it doesn't, then you'll separate. If you've already been feeling this way for five years, the idea of enduring another 10 years (until your youngest is 18) is horrible and unfair to you both.

SolitaryMind · 16/12/2022 21:13

Leave op. I ended an 11 year marriage (2 young DC) when I realised I was gay, it happens. I agonised and tried to make it work for 2 years prior but once you know, you know. I soon met my now wife, who my dc adore. Eight years on, I have no regrets.

HamBone · 16/12/2022 21:29

@SolitaryMind so glad it’s worked out for you. I expect your ex has also moved on and is happier too.

MorningMeditation · 16/12/2022 21:36

It’s a dreadful thing to deceive someone in this way. Their whole life can feel like a lie. Having kids with this man knowing you might be gay is just dreadful. I’ve seen this play out in real life and it was devastating for the other person and the kids.

You owe your husband the truth now and a chance for him to have a life not based on deceit. And for you, you can’t remain in a relationship, having sex you have to be drunk for.

Its a mess, it’s really sad, but you need to address it for everyone’s sake.

QS90 · 16/12/2022 21:43

What do you mean by "I don’t know if at some point sticking it out longer will mean my dc end up with no mother at all"?

Darhon · 16/12/2022 21:49

Happened to me as I turned 40. Not even a sense that I suppressed anything. Just change of sexuality. It’s quite common and isn’t even why my het relationship ended. But I started dating women when it did end. I’m in a same sex relationship now. My kids are fine .

Lavendersparkles22 · 16/12/2022 22:12

Can we just address the sweeping generalisations repeatedly saying that kids who are from divorced parents have "ruined lives?"

My children have two parents who love them fiercely, we don't see eye to eye, but there's stability, structure, two happier parents apart, double Christmases and birthdays, two extended family events, support and love. My kids are thriving in school, do extra curricular activities, we have holidays. I work part time in a professional job. I bought my own house from the split of family home in a less nice area but we love it. Its ours. And the peace of that feeling is UNREAL.

Assuming some financial independence or ability to obtain it OP, your kids can absolutely thrive with separated parents. Do some reading online, tons of insight from psychology experts.

It's not the ideal set up of course, but for other women to suggest you repeatedly have sex, drunk, with someone not of your own sexual orientation because you're married to him is downright disgusting, and to keep the peace in everyone else's lives. Like you don't matter?

You'll become a shell, and you deserve more than that.

If you're looking for permission, and not being regarded as selfish to protect your own mental health, then you absolutely have it.

lifeiscake · 16/12/2022 23:09

you have to do what makes you happy my sister was in the same spot as you but only one child she split with her partner and moved on shes almost 40 living with a lovely wife and all so a new son she was just so unhappy being what others wanted and how they saw her it did not bother any of us we just wish she said or done it sooner as shes so much happier

DowntonCrabby · 16/12/2022 23:19

I’d wait until the new year then sit down with him again and talk it all through. I’d definitely look to separate and give both of you a chance at a happy and fulfilled future.
The DC will be fine if you both handle it all amicably and maturely. You’ll know how he might handle things but if you love him and you’ve talked before he’s presumably a good guy.

AdventuringAway · 16/12/2022 23:31

I also think you need to seek some good counselling - whether before or after you separate. It sounds incredibly hard that this is all caught up in complex grief for your mother and lots of “what if”s. Get counselling to sort out how you feel about the past, in order to open up your future.

Divorce does not necessarily equal unhappy kids. Unhappy parents equal unhappy kids. My parents divorced, it wasn’t the divorce that was the issue it was my father’s treatment of me. If you can both be civil and focused on your childrens happiness, they will be just fine.

VisaGeezer · 16/12/2022 23:37

I guess the only options with honesty/integrity are to end the marriage and coparent as best you can, or tell him, and ask him if he wants an open marriage until kids are older.

In the first instance, no doubt he'll not want to break up his kids family home in its current setup etc. but once he's recovered, you'd be amazed at how fast people (men in my experience) can move on. Decent men without infidelity, addictions, sexual degeneracy, insolvency, being abusive etc. are gold ... And he'll be snapped up. He'll be in a happy relationship with a sex life quote quickly.

TonksInPurple · 17/12/2022 09:18

heartbroken40 · 16/12/2022 18:44

I think you have to sacrifice your own happiness. You have 3 DCs and they don't deserve to be subject to all this upheaval. How old are they? I would wait until the youngest leaves home before doing anything

This is not good advice! Your children will be fine and your husband will be too. From this posters name I’m wondering if they’ve just had the rug pulled out from under them at 40. Would you rather be trying to rebuild your life at 40, 50, 60.

gogohmm · 17/12/2022 09:37

It is possible to have an amicable split in these circumstances, my friends have (reversed, he came out as gay) and they remain very close and the children are well adjusted adults now.

The crucial thing is to talk to your husband, wait until the new year, explain you love him but it's brotherly love, that he deserves a partner who wants to have a full relationship not a reluctant one, that you don't want to rush things but you need to be yourself and he deserves more than you can give. Staying living as flat mates is fine for the initial period but you will need to make decisions, and with children those ages you need to be open to him keeping the family home and them staying with him if that's what they prefer - a family mediator will be useful.

I'm trying not to sugarcoat it, it's not easy, but with good communication it's possible to remain close best friends, my friends have

bumpertobumper · 17/12/2022 09:48

I am surprised at the number for f people saying stay together 'for the sake of the children'. It is a shocking position to take. It is not better for the kids.
An amicable earlier split is much better than splitting up when the kids have just flown the nest. I have seen this happen personally and professionally, and it is devastating for the young adult children. It is them who are left with not just the feeling but the knowledge that their whole life was a lie. If the parents are good actors the kids are left with the deep insecurity of not knowing what to believe in terms of relationships. If it is clear to all that the parents are miserable that also causes emotional turmoil. It is a huge burden for a child to know that their parents have made such a sacrifice for them.
Please op, disregard those saying you should just put up with it until the kids leave home- you would not be doing anyone involved any favours.

And I wonder why there have been a few posts with this reaction... one even saying that people should stay in a relationship as long as there is no abuse.
There are many many threads where people are supported to leave relationships just because they are not happy - that is enough of a reason. you probably would have received different responses if you had described how unhappy you are in your marriage without mentioning your sexuality, that there is some underlying or subconscious homophobia in the reactions accusing you of living a lie etc.

This is difficult and painful situation for you and your husband. Some counselling could help you to understand your emotions and find a way to navigate through the next steps. And it is one step at a time...
FlowersFlowers

MichelleScarn · 17/12/2022 09:53

What's your plans for the relationship ending? Would you move out of the family home or expect him to? Sell up and split proceeds?

EmergentThoughts · 17/12/2022 10:01

I came out to my ex about 10 years into our marriage - I grew up in a homophobic and religious family, couldn't understand or place my feelings into context until I was well into adulthood, but due to the religion, me coming out was swept under the carpet, shameful, sinful, etc.

We finally split years later, and I came out (again). Now married to a woman, living a life of authenticity.

Compulsory heterosexuality is a very real experience for many, and it doesn't mean a person purposefully lies to their partner/spouse. It's very difficult to unpick one's upbringing and societal expectations, it can take years.

I felt like I had finally taken a mask off, or crawled out of an ill-fitting suit that I didn't know I was even wearing. Now I can see I was lying to myself, or hiding from myself, but at the time I couldn't recognise it.

RunDownRita · 17/12/2022 10:08

A friend of mine has been through this. She told her husband and they had counselling together to work out how to go forward. In the end they agreed to stay together as a family but with each free to pursue relationships outside the marriage (and while staying married to each other, moving to a platonic relationship). It has worked reasonably well for them- suspect they will split properly once the children are adults.

Good luck.