I’m gay… but married

[Crazydandelion]

Has anyone been in this situation?
I have previously suspected I might not be straight and had a very brief same sex relationship in my early 20s. That relationship was the ‘highlight’ of my life, sorry. I know that sounds stupid.
Now I am in my 40s with three dc and I am absolutely certain that I am a lesbian.
I can barely bring myself to have sex with DH anymore - I have to be drunk.
It is like a gradual acceptance over a number of years, and then I reached 40 and it was suddenly very obvious in a way it hasn’t been before. Possibly because I didn’t want it to be.
My realisation coincided with the loss of my mum, and I think this may be why it is suddenly more obvious to me. She’d have never approved and part of why my same sex relationship didn’t work out was because I wasn’t able to be out due to my mother’s absolute horror.

What the fuck do I do with it now though? Is it too late?
It no longer impacts just me, I’ve a husband and 3 dc.
It would be a lot better to put it away again but I don’t know if I can do that indefinitely without making myself ill. Is that really selfish?

Thank you EmergentThoughts
that is exactly how I feel but struggle to articulate.
It is hard in the face of your family hating you for something you can’t control.
When I’ve told friends it’s interesting that they excuse my family by saying they are a ‘different generation.’
Would they excuse racism in the same way? I’m not so sure they would.

This is exactly what I thought in response to your OP.

You aren't happy. Which will likely be impacting your kids and DH anyway.

End the relationship.

Worry about future relationships later.

It sounds complicated so I think you need to sort out in your head exactly what is going on for you. Talking to a therapist sounds like a good move.

It could be you are 100% lesbian or maybe you're somewhere on the bi spectrum. It's not uncommon for partners to lose interest in sex with a long term partner without that meaning they are no longer attracted to other people of that gender, and natural to think back wistfully to a former happy, albeit short term, relationship which didn't have a chance to burn itself out.

I wouldn't advise continuing as you are. Maybe a temporary break which eventually turns into a complete break. Then time to assess who you are now before diving into something new. Chances are your husband isn't totally happy either given what you have said.

Big life decisions are terrifying but people rarely seem to regret them once they are on the other side.

I have recently separated from my partner of 25 years. We have 3 children (7,10 and 11). He was my first love, first proper relationship and only lover.

I have always been strongly attracted to women and turned on by the female form. Told myself I must be bi, but just not ever had an experience with the same sex. I have always felt a little awkward with my partner, instigating anything. I don’t know if it was a confidence thing or something more?

Having now ended my relationship due to us drifting apart I feel I can now explore that side of things….not that I’m in a mad rush or anything! I can’t strictly say I am a lesbian, I really don’t know. I am attracted to men also, but not in the same way? The thought of dating another man makes me feel a little anxious. When I think of dating a woman I am filled with excitement. That says a lot.

You have one life, as does he. It’s too short to waste being unfulfilled. Be kind, be honest and seek the lives you want. Be happy. I’m heading there.

Honestly for now I'd park your sexuality but and end your relationship. Settle your kids in their new normal and then think about starting new relationships .

I think you certainly should tell your DH. He really should get an informed choice of how his future goes. On the one hand it's not great to have deceived him to get the conventional family life part of a relationship, however, he's had years of sex with you, and if he's not noticed that you're not enjoying it, well,I kind of lose a tad of sympathy when blinkered to that degree that only focusing on his own needs.
It's your choice to entirely blame your mother for your same sex relationship ending, getting married, having DC, but aside from her, you would of been living amongst friends and peers who would of been accepting of it. I'm older than you and while accepance and equality is getting better all the time, it was not classed as unusual or weird in the 90's. You could of stood up to your mother, it was your choice not to. Now that issue is no longer there, so the only one stopping you is you.
Your DH, unhappy he may be, but it would be worse if infidelity was thrown in the mix. You might be able to have an amicable split after the dust settles.