Page 3 | If you had lost weight (real or theoretical for the sake of this thread) and a person who wasn’t interested in you before the weight loss now asked you out…..

habiller · 15/12/2022 07:47

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Meseekslookatme · 15/12/2022 07:48

AmITooTired · 14/12/2022 19:00

Would you want anything to do with them?

This is happening now to me.
And honestly, I can’t be bothered.
But my friend said I should be flattered and give him change.

I did back then have a crush on him, but me not being good enough at my old weight, but all of a sudden he’d like a date just put me off.

Haha! Fuck no.

ditavonteesed · 15/12/2022 07:51

Hell no, I hate how much attention you get once you lose weight, from men and from women it's like your a more valuable person, a worthy friend, everyone is nicer. It's horrible. (Except it's also nice to be more confident and that might be the reason) still a hell no though.

NoSnow · 15/12/2022 07:52

Is it that bad?

A friend of mine had mentioned a friend of hers to me a few times and said he’d told her he liked me, she encouraged me to date him. I’d let him briefly and I said to her “He’s not my type” as I thought he wasn’t because I wasn’t sexually attracted to him although he was fairly handsome . Not specifically because he was overweight I suppose but I has noticed that and have never been attracted to fat men.

Some months later I met him again. He had lost a couple of stone through a healthier lifestyle and some time in the gym? And it showed. When I met him then I thought “He’s gorgeous!” and I was quite taken aback. But that is what it should feel like to fancy someone, sexual attraction is really important, there is nothing wrong with that and it doesn’t make people shallow or bad, why would we have sexual relationships without that?!

He asked me out. We’ve now been married for years. He has put on weight at times throughout our relationship, sometimes a lot, he is just someone who is a bit of an emotional eater and his weight goes up and down. I fancy him so much still, absolutely regardless of his size, as the attraction is there and has built and built even more over time. I would never want him to lose weight for me and he is gorgeous all the time. But it was the change in appearance that caught my attention back then.

NoSnow · 15/12/2022 07:52

*met him briefly, not “let him” !

KatherineJaneway · 15/12/2022 07:53

alfagirl73 · 15/12/2022 07:15

Watch the film "The Mirror Has Two Faces" - it's obviously done in a movie way but this exact situation and the answer to your question is in that film! It's a fabulous moment!

Very underrated film

Beamur · 15/12/2022 07:54

I think if a man told me I should be flattered by their attention and give them a chance I would decline to stroke his ego any further.

Tinseltosser · 15/12/2022 07:54

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Yep. All this.

People who treat you better just because you've lost weight don't deserve any of your time.

It's not just about 'attraction'. Some people genuinely don't bother to correct their own ignorance when it comes to overweight/obese people. The serious trauma and mental health issues that can cause obesity are ignored.

Stereotypes for many are a no no. Unless you are fat.

The you can safely be assumed to be stupid, lazy, and dirty. You can safely be ignored, scorned and thought less of.

But there are some genuinely good/nice people that never see any of that and look at the person instead. They will be your friend, family member or partner that is actually worth keeping around.

Jackie776 · 15/12/2022 07:55

What a pp said about you having more information on him hit the mark for me. I don't think he is necessarily a bad person in any way though - people like what they like and they shouldn't try to start relationships they don't want to, but you know that about him - that he wasn't attracted you before you lost the weight. It sounds like you are going through a hard time at the minute and I am sorry. You have this piece of information that makes him undesirable to you and that's okay. At least you are well and truly over that crush.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/12/2022 07:55

I wouldn't be interested in him. I'm really glad that your self-esteem is high enough, to not be interested too.

Mercurian · 15/12/2022 07:56

Thing is, if he is the type who likes slimmer bodies he will also probably expect more toned and might not like your naked body with loose skin.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/12/2022 07:56

I don't get why you'd be offended that someone fancies you now you're slimmer when they didn't before 🤷🏼‍♀️ but of course don't go out with him if you don't want to

Tinseltosser · 15/12/2022 07:57

ditavonteesed · 15/12/2022 07:51

Hell no, I hate how much attention you get once you lose weight, from men and from women it's like your a more valuable person, a worthy friend, everyone is nicer. It's horrible. (Except it's also nice to be more confident and that might be the reason) still a hell no though.

This has been my experience too.

Really changed my opinion on some people.

georgarina · 15/12/2022 07:57

Wouldn't bother me unless he was rude about it, or generally shallow. Maybe he sees you in a different light than before. And looks are a big part of attraction so if you look better I would see that as a natural thing, not him being horrible.

Goneblank38 · 15/12/2022 07:58

Sarahcoggles · 14/12/2022 20:31

I don't understand why people are being nasty about him. He's done nothing wrong. You're his friend, he clearly likes you, but when it comes to physical attraction, he prefers slimmer women. Now you're slim he finds he fancies you as well as liking you. What's wrong with that?

Only on MN is it seen to be a character flaw to notice someone's physical appearance when thinking of being in a relationship with them.

I love my partner very much but if he'd had a mouth full of rotten teeth when we met, I wouldn't have fancied him and we'd never have become a couple. I might have liked his personality but I wouldn't have found him attractive. That doesn't make me a bad person. I just don't fancy people with rotten teeth.

I agree with this. Physical desire is part of what draws you to a person and sustains a relationship. That doesn't make him shallow or awful.

Having said that you can knock someone back for any reason you like and it doesn't sound like he does it for you anymore.

icantseeyourightnow · 15/12/2022 07:58

Yes, I would! I struggle with my weight and it has a significant impact on my self esteem. This means that I don't put myself forward for things and sometimes it's like I want to blend into the shadows. When I lost 2 stone last year I felt supercharged with confidence and all of a sudden I didn't mind being 'seen'. I started to get more male attention but I don't think it's because they were thinking I was ugly before and now they didn't....but rather because I was allowing myself to be seen and they suddenly 'saw' me if that makes sense.

It would be exactly the same for me if an overweight friend suddenly lost weight. I might well start to see them with new eyes and feel an attraction that wasn't there before.

In a way I'd be glad they'd known be 'before and after' because it means they knew that my weight would be likely to go up and down.

TedMullins · 15/12/2022 08:04

You can decline a date with someone for any reason you like, but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. My boyfriend was overweight before we met - I’ve seen pictures. If he’d still been that size when we did meet I wouldn’t have been attracted to him or dated him. It’s not a crime to have physical preferences.

GreyCarpet · 15/12/2022 08:05

Honestly, it would depend on other factors.

My ex husband was slim when I first knew him. He was quite an energetic person who had a lot of hobbies and did stuff. By the time we got together, he'd put on a bit of weight but nothing too much. Over the years he fell into obesity.

I was concerned for his health because he wasn't a fat and fit person. Everything became too much effort or painful to do and he was plagued by weight/lifestyle related health issues. Our lives became very small because of it. It was that which made him become unattractive. He developed type 2 diabetes which he didn't manage properly and so became even more ill. My life was severely impacted by his choices. All he wanted to do in the end was sit in front of the TV eating.

He has since lost the weight and got his diabetes under control. He now does stuff again.

So it depends. If a great weightloss has improved someone's vitality, quality of life, overall health etc then I can see how that would make them a more attractive person overall.

If, however, the weightloss was a size 14 to a 10, that's very superficial and suggests its purely motivated by appearance.

My boyfriend now is overweight. He was always the 'fat kid' (apparently). Doesn't bother me in the slightest because it doesn't have any impact on him or our day to day lives.

I've known people who were fat, fit, and generally took care of themselves and others who were lazy, slovenly and complained constantly about ailments. The former were attractive and their weight made no difference to who they were. The latter were, frankly, hard work.

Justleaveitblankthen · 15/12/2022 08:06

'Friends' (the show) used a similar storyline using Brad Pitt and of course Monica (with the flashback fatsuit 🙄) I thought they were spectacularly unfunny episodes..
I wouldn't be attracted to a larger bloke or a bearded bloke. If a slim partner put on a bit of weight over the years, I wouldn't mind terribly.. But if he grew a beard? I just couldn't go there😱

anexcellentwoman · 15/12/2022 08:07

Lots of threads on here from women whose husbands have grown a beard/ not cut their hair/ shaved their heads etc and suddenly the women don't fancy their partners anymore. There are always lots of posts maintaining that you can't help the way you feel.
Some posters are so nasty. I really don't get it. OP don't go out with him if you don't want to but don't be rude about it. No one can make you feel attracted to someone and you clearly don't much like him or feel attracted to him

Original poster

AmITooTired · 15/12/2022 08:08

I was writing a long reply to pp asking how I know it’s just about weight and. I lost it somehow.

So short version.

We’ve known each other around 6-7 years now, he’s always been nice enough, but clearly nothing else.
Hang out with the group and went to movies pretty often just the two us because we share love for horror movies.

Then suddenly there was a lot family illnesses and I had to go away for awhile, now I’m back, 5 months later.
We recently met, as a group.
And the way he was was something else!
It’s like he’s eyes were on me almost the whole nigh, he tried to be close to me and even offered a drink. He’s never done anything like this before.
I know now I sound self obssessed, but that’s how it seemed.
And by the end of the night he asked for a date, all of a sudden I was so interesting.

I’m exactly same person, well more tired and heartbroken - I also had to put down my beloved dog during this time, that I was 5 months ago.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 15/12/2022 08:11

It's not just about 'attraction'. Some people genuinely don't bother to correct their own ignorance when it comes to overweight/obese people. The serious trauma and mental health issues that can cause obesity are ignored.

I agree with this but a person might also not be attracted to someone with serious trauma and mental health issues either...

It might not be ignorance at all but actually a great understanding of what leads someone to be in that position and not everyone wants to enter into a relationship with someone in that position.

Because, if I'm honest, and as someone who has lived with the impact of my own trauma/mental health, it doesn't make us a better relationship proposition than someone perceived to he 'lazy' 🤷🏻‍♀️

PondintheRain · 15/12/2022 08:18

AmITooTired · 15/12/2022 08:08

I was writing a long reply to pp asking how I know it’s just about weight and. I lost it somehow.

So short version.

We’ve known each other around 6-7 years now, he’s always been nice enough, but clearly nothing else.
Hang out with the group and went to movies pretty often just the two us because we share love for horror movies.

Then suddenly there was a lot family illnesses and I had to go away for awhile, now I’m back, 5 months later.
We recently met, as a group.
And the way he was was something else!
It’s like he’s eyes were on me almost the whole nigh, he tried to be close to me and even offered a drink. He’s never done anything like this before.
I know now I sound self obssessed, but that’s how it seemed.
And by the end of the night he asked for a date, all of a sudden I was so interesting.

I’m exactly same person, well more tired and heartbroken - I also had to put down my beloved dog during this time, that I was 5 months ago.

You sound determined to make this be down to his ‘shallow’ preference for a thinner body, OP. Again, obviously you know him and none of us do, but from what you’ve said, the other thing that changed was that he didn’t see you at all for nearly half a year, after seeing you regularly for years before that.

Isn’t it also possible that he recognised that he missed your presence, and found he had developed feelings for, or an attraction towards, you when he met you again?

gannett · 15/12/2022 08:18

I wouldn't have been attracted to DP if I'd met him 5 years before I did. He didn't lose weight but he did cut his hair (long hair on men is not for me).

When people lose weight, get fit, get a new hairstyle, get a makeover, yes we all say we're "doing it for ourselves" but we're also doing it in order to get people to look at us differently, including being more attracted to us. So I wouldn't be put out by someone being interested who wasn't before.

Doesn't mean I have to go out with them of course. Lots of other factors. Is it part of a pattern where they indicate they're shallow? How well did they know me before? Most importantly, am I attracted to them, including their character? And also, do I feel like I can actually talk to them about this? If you can't communicate honestly the relationship is a non-starter.

There have been plenty of people in my life I've looked at differently after they made a change. Many years ago a male friend who'd always been a bit careless about his appearance (but a lovely guy) hit the gym, got an actual hairstyle for the first time since I'd known him and I genuinely hadn't realised he could be as attractive as he was. (He got exponentially more female attention than he'd ever had, was thoroughly pleased by it all - not a single worry as to whether his new string of dates were shallow as far as I could tell - and met his now-DW a year later.)

Thighlengthboots · 15/12/2022 08:19

altmember · 14/12/2022 21:10

I guess it depends on the weight loss and what size you were before. I've got a very active life style and I wouldn't date someone who was unhealthily overweight. a) we clearly have incompatible lifestyles, b) the long term health implications.

Whether you like it or not, everyone judges everyone based on physical appearance. To me a very overweight person says they don't look after themselves, lack self discipline, lazy, over eat, aren't physically active etc.

Also on MN relationships - 15 pages about people having a height preference (a physical attribute over which people have no control). Is it wrong to have a preference for the vertical dimension too? www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4544647-would-you-go-out-with-a-short-man?page=1

On the other hand if you're talking dropping from a size 12 to a 10 then yes, that would be off putting.

I agree with this. Context is everything here. Going from a size 14 to a 10 is a noticeable but quite small change and that would be a red flag to me if he was so picky about that. However, going from a size 20 to a 10 makes someone look completely and utterly different and I dont find that a red flag. I dont personally find very overweight men attractive and wouldnt date one. It doesnt make me shallow or horrible, its just my preference and as you say, women dont get attacked for preferring tall men or preferring men with hair etc. Love is separate from attraction and you can love someone but not find them attractive. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to date someone you find attractive.