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Original poster

If you had lost weight (real or theoretical for the sake of this thread) and a person who wasn’t interested in you before the weight loss now asked you out…..

146 replies

AmITooTired · 14/12/2022 19:00

Would you want anything to do with them?

This is happening now to me.
And honestly, I can’t be bothered.
But my friend said I should be flattered and give him change.

I did back then have a crush on him, but me not being good enough at my old weight, but all of a sudden he’d like a date just put me off.

OP posts:
youmakemefeellikeenough · 14/12/2022 21:10

Maybe it's you that's changed now you've lost weight. Maybe you are feeling more confident and sexy and are giving off signals that he is picking up on.
Of course if you've been flirting with him for ages and he's not been interested then he could well be fattist! But don't rule out that subtle changes in your behaviour may have made him feel different about you.

Original poster
AmITooTired · 14/12/2022 21:23

Maybe it's you that's changed now you've lost weight. Maybe you are feeling more confident and sexy and are giving off signals that he is picking up on.

Like I said in earlier comment, no, this really hasn’t happened.
And I’ve never in my life felt ’sexy’, that’s just not my vibe.
And I don’t think I’m sending any signals, like I said, it has veen rough time in my life and dating stuff has been pushed on the back burner.

It’s all about the weight.

OP posts:
Floomobal · 14/12/2022 21:26

Best case scenario, it works out and you fall in love and get married.

If you put on weight in pregnancy/ after childbirth then what?

As you get older, and he’s less attracted to you, then what?

He’s shallow. His opinion of you is always likely to be directly linked to how thin you are.

I’d avoid personally

bloodyeverlastinghell · 14/12/2022 21:41

I'm overweight (size 16) and I don't generally think overweight is an attractive look on people. I'm not really up for dating at the moment but If I was I'd feel much more confident if I were a 12.

Some men might not care, some might share my viewpoint. Ultimately choice is yours though. You don't need to feel flattered or give him a chance. A polite no thanks is fine; no explanation required.

5128gap · 14/12/2022 22:06

The number of men interested in me since I lost weight has at least quadrupled. If I were interested in dating that means I'd have a high chance of ending up with someone who wouldn't have been interested before. I'd just not know about it.
In honesty, have you never known a man make a change to his appearance and suddenly you see him in a new light?

dancingqueen123 · 14/12/2022 22:07

No. Fuck him!

dancingqueen123 · 14/12/2022 22:09

AmITooTired · 14/12/2022 20:54

I do understand the attraction part, I do.
Personally man has to have a good hair, I’m not attracted to reciding hairlines or bald men, but difference is that if I know a guy and he was bald and went to get hairplugs - I wouldn’t go ask him out now that he fits my criteria all of sudden.
That would be so obvious and weird.

This! You deserve better op

pigonalipstick · 14/12/2022 22:09

Yes of course, physical attraction is important.

All the people on here calling him shallow - have you dated people you didn't fancy/ were obese/ ugly/ whatever your turn off is?

albapunk · 14/12/2022 22:11

Do you like him? If so why don't you just give him a chance, do you really have anything to lose?

I'm very overweight, my partner met me when I had initially lost 5 stone. He seen pictures of me previously and said he wouldn't have been attracted to me then because he would have assumed our lifestyles wouldn't be compatible, but now we are together and I've gained weight back, he's just as attracted to me and loves me regardless as my weight doesn't affect our lifestyle.

I know this man has known you a long time but maybe he is seeing you differently, not just because of weight loss, but because often when we lose weight(if that was our goal) we come across much more confident and the real us starts to shine more, even if we don't realise ourselves

Original poster
AmITooTired · 15/12/2022 06:27

Do you like him?
At one point I had a little crush on him, did get over it.
Now, honestly, I’m completely turned off by him because of this. Zero interest.

re: confudence, I know lot of people want to believe this, and i stated two times already, but no - that’s not it.
This is purely about appearances.

OP posts:
Fairy22 · 15/12/2022 06:35

Don't do it. He's a shallow Hal

KaleToChristmas · 15/12/2022 06:37

I would seriously avoid. I had this when I lost a lot of weight in my early 20s. I went from a tall size 14 to size 10, so was healthy to begin with but more of a 'trophy' type afterwards. Several men that had not been interested when I was a 14 suddenly started pursuing me hard when I was a 10. It was really transparent and I am glad that I stuck with my then-boyfriend, who did not give a shit when I gained it all back a few years later.

C1N1C · 15/12/2022 06:39

If it's because you're thinner, no... but it could also be because you said you lacked confidence. Men like charisma and confidence too!

emptythelitterbox · 15/12/2022 06:42

No way would I give him a chance. I'd do like PP said and do a tinkly laugh and say, what a joker you are.

Then expect him to be persistent and try to charm you because you rejected him.

Men are rather cunning when it comes to women.
He now sees you worthy of a shag from his excellence.
Some see mixed friendship groups as opportunities for a shag.

You only have to search on here to find may women who have dated or had a shag with a guy from a hobby or friendship group and when it went sour, she was the one who had to leave the group. Not him. He just went about his merry ol way as he gave zero fucks.

Think of why you're in this friendship group to begin with.

PorridgewithQuark · 15/12/2022 06:47

You definitely don't owe anyone a chance!

I find it quite annoying when people suggest women owe a man "a chance" just because he asked... All you owe him is to decline politely.

If he was always friendly and chatty with you and you got on well, shared a sense of humour and had lots to talk about, respected one another and he was simply not physically attracted to you before you lost weight that would be perfectly legitimate IMO and I guess I might give him a chance, but if he ignored you or was less than very enjoyable company before you lost the weight then absolutely no way!

Starryskiesinthesky · 15/12/2022 06:47

You haven’t said how much you’ve lost. If you have gone from being obese to a regular weight I can see why he might change his view of you. Also he may have changed his feelings for you after seeing you got through a hard time.

RunDownRita · 15/12/2022 06:58

Totally up to you. I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag that he didn’t fancy you before but does now (also don’t rule out that it’s not just your weight that has changed- maybe he simply wasn’t looking for a relationship before). I also don’t agree with PP that it means he’ll go off you if you gain weight- there are plenty of things that might preclude one starting a relationship with someone but, once you’re in a committed relationship with them, you take in your stride.

But it’s your decision, nothing to do with your friend. If it puts you off, that’s enough.

Chocolatefreak · 15/12/2022 07:02

Physical attraction is usually the first thing that gets us together with someone, then you get to know them and if you form that bond, then they love you for you rather than your appearance. So yes initially, appearance is important, but then other factors should take over. It depends how well you know each other - if you know each other quite well already then maybe he is shallow OP, if you're relative strangers not then maybe he's not....

merrymelodies · 15/12/2022 07:07

I think that appearance has a lot to do with initial sexual attraction. But if you're in a relationship, ideally you love that person for who they are, not how they look.

UseOfWeapons · 15/12/2022 07:12

Nope. Sounds like a twat. You can do much, MUCH better than a shallow bloke like him.

alfagirl73 · 15/12/2022 07:15

Watch the film "The Mirror Has Two Faces" - it's obviously done in a movie way but this exact situation and the answer to your question is in that film! It's a fabulous moment!

liarliarshortsonfire · 15/12/2022 07:15

So difficult really as physical attraction is what draws us to a person initially.

When I met my dh he was slim, went to the gym every other day and had a body as a result. He's now almost 60, packed in the lbs and doesn't have a gym body, but I stay with him because he's an amazing person. I wouldn't necessarily find him attractive now if I saw him in the street but I fancy him more now than I did when we first met. Because I know what he's like on the inside too. Would I have sought him out in a pub now? Probably not. If he chatted to me in a pub now and asked me out? Possibly as his personality would come through and I'd be interested.

As for answering the op. I'd throw this one back I think.

oohyoudevilyou · 15/12/2022 07:25

How do you know that the reason he is attracted to you now, and wasn't before is purely down to your weight? I knew DH for a decade before we became a couple - we just didn't think of each other as potential partners. At some point an attraction did spark, and we acted on it, but it had nothing to do with weight loss, new haistyles or whatever. Time of life and current situation will affect that sort of thing more than shifting a couple of stones or going blond imo, even though films and TV like "Life and Loves of a She Devil, Ugly Betty or even Cinderella suggest appearance is everything in women.

PondintheRain · 15/12/2022 07:35

AmITooTired · 15/12/2022 06:27

Do you like him?
At one point I had a little crush on him, did get over it.
Now, honestly, I’m completely turned off by him because of this. Zero interest.

re: confudence, I know lot of people want to believe this, and i stated two times already, but no - that’s not it.
This is purely about appearances.

Well, surely you’ve answered your own question? You clearly regard this as superficial and shallow, and you know this person. None of us do.

Having said that, it wouldn’t bother me particularly. I think attraction can arise mysteriously for all kinds of reasons in existing friendships.

Passmeaplacard · 15/12/2022 07:38

I was going to say maybe it’s to do with a change in your confidence but doesn’t sound like it. I wouldn’t go there if you think it’s just because of the weight.

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