My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

You leave. A zero tolerance approach. I know this is easier said than done but better to do the hard thing now before it escalates.

This is well intentioned, I know, but moving out for "a few days" is not good advice. Maintaining a zero tolerance approach to violence and abuse in relationships is how you protect yourself from harm. Men who do this know exactly what they are doing and take advantage of the fact that power structures in heteronormative relationships are unequal.

There is no going back from intentional violence like this, especially with the gaslighting of "not remembering". I'm sorry to single you out, I just don't want others to read this and think that they should take a few days and then consider moving back in.

If somebody hits you, you make plans to leave. Physical violence is of course not the only form of abuse, this applies to other types as well.

Leave him before he kills you ......and there is a significant risk that he will kill you

Leave now. Before you have children.

he does remember - he is pretending.

it doesn’t matter if he has anger issues, or if he promises it will never happen again. Or if he sees a therapist. He is capable of hitting you. It will happen again.

leave now

He knows exactly what he did hence denying it straight after and then saying he would do everything in his power not to do it again. Someone capable of this is someone you need to leave. Please follow the advice on here and get help to get out.

This is serious, OP.

The PPs warning you that putting his hands around your throat is about as serious a red flag as it gets are not merely scaremongering. These are the men who are most likely to go on to kill.

Two aggravating factors in your situation are really terrifying. One is that this is the first time he's laid hands on you. He hasn't escalated to this very dangerous form of assault - it's happened with the very first manifestation of his violent tendencies.

The second is that he's gaslighting you, telling you it didn't happen when both he and you know fine well it did.

I know this must be an enormous shock to the system, and it's going to take you time to process it. But you must leave this man. Contact women's aid and take advice from them: do it today.

You must be devastated, blindsided and scared. I'm so sorry, OP. But whatever you might feel for him, your safety must be the most important consideration.

He is dangerous.

I am sure at the moment you are in shock.
Don’t want to deal with it.
Trying to deny it to yourself because the enormity of what has happened is too much to deal with.
you don’t know how to be around him because he has betrayed your trust and could have murdered you. How do you behave around a potential murderer?

Will he try that again if you say anything he doesn’t like?

It will take a little while to process what has happened. Can you go and stay with relatives possibly?

You need to address this and treat it seriously but please know that the time when a woman attempts to leave is the most dangerous. Try to only see him around other people if possible.

He hit you. He held you by your throat.

He lied. He pretended he didn’t. He said he didn’t remember.

He’s dangerous and abusive.

It is never a one off, especially if he learns that you won’t leave.

Do not bring children into this abusive relationship.

He is a dangerous man. Do the freedom programme and you will probably find other indicators of this. Be so glad their are no children.

If you are still having sex with him, and god knows why you would be, USE BIRTH CONTROL, even if you have to hide the truth from him. But I hope you are also planning to leave him ASAP. He sounds bloody dangerous and the weird denial makes it even scarier.

You are right it doesn't. To say something cannot be a single occurance is simplistic.Is the person seeking help, are they trying to deal with the situation do they acknowledge what they have done etc

It's over. You leave him. Now. Sorry he has turned out to be a violent, dangerous abuser OP.

Have a think about what you said here
"I can't tell family or friends as I'm too embarrassed".

Imagine those family or friends when you turn up to them connected in bruises and with a broken jaw, and you tell them them that you didn't confide in them the first time it happened. All they will feel is sad that they couldn't help you sooner. This is not your fault. If the only thing you are embarrassed about is them thinking you made a bad choice of partner, compare that feeling to how they would feel about having to deal with making your funeral arrangements the next time he puts his hand round your throat and doesn't let go.

Seriously, you need to put this in perspective - embarrassment versus danger to your life.

Please don't feel embarrassed, I regret so much not telling close friends / family about how an ex was treating me.

They will believe and support you. They will be horrified by his actions. Tell someone you trust. Then make plans to leave him. He's dangerous.

I'd leave, OP. He abused you and then immediately fled from responsibility.

Yes, he didn't escalate to this. Violence escalates. The next escalation is the police visiting your parents and having to deal with telling them you have been murdered.

Please listen to those of us who have experience. I honestly believe my ex would have killed me and I suspect he still might if given an opportunity. To the outside he is a meek, shy man who goes out of his way to help others. Behind closed doors he is a violent abuser.

I would report it to the police to show him you mean business.

Op that's dreadful and you must have been terrified.
His instant denial makes me wonder if he's done it before and he blocked and shut it out as soon as he realized what he'd done...How much do you know about his past before you met him?

I agree with other posters, strangulation is a very big 🚩 In your position, I don't think I could ever trust him again and that's no basis for any marriage, with or without children.

Dr Monckton Smith again - on why non-fatal strangulation should ALWAYS be reported, & how a single incidence of strangulation makes it EIGHT TIMES MORE LIKELY that a man will eventually kill his partner.
safelives.org.uk/sites/default/files/resources/Non-fatal-strangulation-Survey-June-2020-.pdf

LTB

I don't think it would ever be safe to stay I'm afraid, but it's even less okay that he is immediately trying to excuse himself and gas light you into thinking it didn't even happen?

That doesn't show remorse, that doesn't show understanding and the potential to grow and change (if men who hit their partners even can, idk).

It sounds like you've gone through something really traumatic and you need to reach out for support and advice on how to leave, quickly and before the love bombing sets in to make you try and forget and let your guard down

So you are suggesting that OP gambles with her life because he might not attempt to murder her again?

How about OP reduces her chance of being murdered to zero by leaving?

I wouldn't assume the fact that they've acknowledged or are seeking help is a good enough reason to stay either.

My exH acknowledged that he hit me (more than once because I stayed) and got 'anger management' help. The anger management people taught him to remove himself from the things that made him angry. Which of course meant that, in an argument, he'd say 'you're making me angry by (seeing that friend, going to your mum's, arguing back) and you need to stop it'. Basically it meant that I had to change my behaviour so he could remove the thing that made him angry. So he got even more control over me. It's a classic thing that anger management can make those who control, control more. So 'the kids crying makes me angry, YOU need to keep them quiet'. Those with anger management issues are very good at making it all turn back to the victim - never them.

And as for the 'two time rule'. Would any of you allow someone to come up to you in the street, hit you and pin you by your neck to the wall? And then say 'it's OK, I understand that they've never done this before so don't prosecute them for assault - they've said they're sorry'? Or would you want to see them in court? Or if you heard that your child had this happen to them at school. Would you want to see the other child punished in some way? Yes, so would I. And your home is supposed to be the place where you are safe. So the rules are even stronger there.

YOU DON'T HIT. EVER. END OF STORY AND NO EXCUSES.

Even in the unlikely event that he does have some weird blackout/neurological thing going on, why the hell would that make any difference? You're not a support human if that's the case, certainly not if it's going to place you in danger.

There are no valid excuses here. Either way, he is unsafe to be around physically smaller and more vulnerable people.

Oh op l am so so sorry,
l have been there, it is so unbelievable that someone we love and who we thought loved us could turn on you in an instant, but sadly it does happen and shocking as it is to realise your whole life has turned upside down, there is no going back.

Whatever he says is irrelevant, a line has been crossed and it will escalate please please believe me. Talk to any good friends, Womans aid, and any family you have and plan to leave.
Do NOT discuss this with him, he is not who you thought he was. Stay quiet and the same and plan your exit as fast as you can.

Leaving can be dangerous, please do it without telling him until you have gone far away.

When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM.

You WILL get over him but you must get away.