My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

It's ridiculous to assume he will definitely do it again we have all lost our tempers at some point

He's in denial of doing it so he is obviously not ok with having done it.

But this is something only you can decide.

Do you believe it will happen again?

7 years is a long time for this to suddenly emerge

Is he ok? Taken cocaine or steroids?

The throat is such a huge red flag that you can't stay with him OP. You can't, he now has a green light to accidentally kill you.

You can't have kids with him. If hes not taking responsibility for it and immediate steps to find out what's gone wrong then it's just a matter of time before he does it again. Hitting you is now an option for him.

Do not get pregnant under any circumstances.

You know you need to leave. You don't have kids - please don't bring them into it. They won't fix anything, they won't make him better, they will suffer and be in danger and so will you.

The fact he says he didn't would make me spit with rage. How dare he.

This is how it starts op.

He slaps you and pins you, then downplays it and says he will try not to again. You feel embarrassed.

Then he slaps you again, this time says its your fault because x y and z. You can't say anything this time because you didn't the first time.

Then he punches you, but he says it's OK because it's not like he beat you up, and you did antagonise him. You don't say anything because this is your life now, you just try not to upset him so he doesn't do it again.

On and on it goes, and its not until you're out of it that you actually realise how bad it is.

Even the fact you said 'first time' in your title says it all.

Contact WA and get support in getting out and staying out.

It is bad, however much he downplays it.

That is a red flag.
Get out of there.

Any strangulation-go. They will escalate. Having watched The Confession last night I cannot stress this enough.

You need to leave. If you have no children, go.

Her husband only strangled her once before murdering her. Sorry to scare you but please take it seriously

This.

Tell him that if he ever does that again, and whether he remembers or not, that is it.

I always had a two time rule.

Trying for pregnancy, during pregnancy and after childbirth are very often when abuse, physical or otherwise starts. This is at the extreme end. As others have said, it could escalate quickly, and he might kill you. He won’t stop, it’s not a one off.

Contact WA, and look at the Freedom Programme online. I understand you feel embarrassed (I did too for years, and I really loved my XH) but please try to speak/write to a friend or family member. Better embarrassed than dead. He’s relying on your shame, your love for him and Christmas nearly here stopping you doing anything. I guarantee it, and it might be ok. Until the next time. As others have also said don’t have kids with him. You’ll have far fewer options if you do, and be tied to him for years. It’s not easy but you need to leave now. Good luck.

He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again

Were these his actual words? He'll do 'everything in his power'?

This is completely in his power.

By saying this he's implying that it is something not in his control, he can't help it - he's not actually taking ownership of what he has done.

This won't get better. You need to leave.

Either he does remember, which means he can’t admit what he’s done and therefore has no chance of changing his behaviour.

Or he really can’t, which means he completely lost control of his actions. Which is frightening because if he’s not in control of what he’s doing, how can he stop himself doing it again or going even further?

Theres no good option here.

@lightand do you really have boundaries so low you let someone assault you without leaving them??

@Louise33388 as others have said, you have to leave. The strangling is a huge red flag for killing you further down the line.

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed.
Hey - YOU have nothing to be embarrassed about. You were not violent to your spouse.
Domestic abuse thrives in secrecy. Abusers bank on their victims being too embarrassed/cowed/self-blaming to out them.
Please choose your closest friend of family member, & TELL THEM.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me.
He's lying.
You know that, right?
This is him, gaslighting you. Forcing you to accept his version of the 'facts'. Banking on you wanting to brush everything under the carpet.

I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me.
See above. He's lying.
If you don't believe me, & prefer to believe him - tell him that you are desperately concerned about his MH because he has had a violent episode that he cannot recollect, & insist he sees a GP & gets a brain scan.
His response will be telling.

He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.
Like getting a brain scan?
Has he detailed any of the actions he is putting in place to prevent this from happening again - or is he just giving you vague, hyperbolic waffle?
Because "everything in his power" isn't very descriptive, is it?
It's not reassuring.
It's just words.
Supposing his "power" isn't enough to stop him doing it again?
Why would it be? IT DIDN'T STOP HIM THE OTHER NIGHT, DID IT?

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.
If you find yourself believing that he will never hit you or throttle you again, ask yourself if you ever believed he would hit or throttle you ... before the other night.
You NEVER believed he would be violent to you. But he was.
So why would you believe him now?

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.
You say you love him & don't want to separate.
He obviously doesn't want to separate either. But he doesn't love you. We don't hit & throttle people we love. Anyone who tells you that is possible has got a toxic notion of what "love" is.

If you stay, you will have handed him tacit permission to hurt you again.
Because then he'll know he can hit you, throttle you, terrify you - then deny it - & you will stay with him anyway.

Of course he remembers.

You need to separate. He will do it again and the next time it will be worse. Do not have children with this man.

I'm so sorry op but there's no answer here other than to leave him.

I'm so, so sorry. That is horrible.

I had a boyfriend who did that to me 4 years into our relationship. I feel lucky that I had absolutely no doubts and left him the following day. It must be so hard when you are unsure- I can imagine you want to believe he won't do it again.

My ex boyfriend went on to full on domestic violence with his next partner. He regularly beat her up.

You need to start to work on getting to a place where you can accept this relationship can't continue. It's no use people telling you to go, you have to want to go.

If he didn’t do anything then why does he need to do everything in his power to not do that nothing again? He’s completely contradicted himself and is wholly aware of his actions.

as for what you do now - you leave, you do everything in your power to make sure he doesn’t do it to you again, by not being there

@lightand I always had a two time rule.

How many times have you been assaulted?!

OP, leave. Statistics show that he’ll do it again - and next time he might end up killing you.

I was with my exH for years before he hit me. It was such a shock, but it escalated but by bit. I had to leave for my and my DC's safety.

Leave and report to the police. The way you describe it is it happened totally out of the blue which seems even more alarming, especially after 7 years together.

That ^^

Let's say I was him, and I genuinely didn't remember. I would be on the phone to the GP this morning, moving to the sofa/spare room, ringing a counsellor... everything I could. Because I would be "what on earth is wrong with me?"

I can't believe what I'm reading from some posters. A "two time" rule?

Everyone loses their temper sometimes. Only abusers get physically violent.

Make sure it is only the first time by getting the hell out of there, he’s crossed a line. Have my first LTB !

Also ask him this OP -

If he has NO RECOLLECTION of hitting & throttling his wife, how on earth does he reckon he's going to prevent this weird occurrence from happening again? If he doesn't remember what happened, & is denying it even did - how is he proposing to prevent it?

It's logistically bonkers.
And he knows it.
He thinks your love for him will get him let off the hook.

Do you want to stay with a man who is violent, then lies to you about that violence, & expects you to join in his game of "that never happened"?

i think if this is totally new behaviour in someone who is normally placid and chilled and you have been together a long time I would also ask...is he ok in himself? Any health issues/ headaches/balance problems/eyesight change? anything happened in your lives(stress ,bereavement, job loss) that may have triggered such a change in his nature? Both brain tumours and dementia can manifest as significant personality change and loss of control in people not known to be abusive. Have things been going downhill in your relationship for any reason? I can understand why people are straight out saying leave but i would be asking why if my husband did this after 7 yrs together with no abusive behaviour before now.