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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

604 replies

Louise33388 · 12/12/2022 13:12

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 12/12/2022 13:49

maddy68 · 12/12/2022 13:27

It's ridiculous to assume he will definitely do it again we have all lost our tempers at some point

He's in denial of doing it so he is obviously not ok with having done it.

But this is something only you can decide.

Do you believe it will happen again?

7 years is a long time for this to suddenly emerge

Is he ok? Taken cocaine or steroids?

Wow. I stongly suggest that you stop giving advice to abused women. I can't believe your post. 😡

WuldNahKest · 12/12/2022 13:50

You're 7 times more likely to be killed by him now. With your last moments being confusion and terror.

Non fatal strangulation is a crime because of how closely it is linked to murder. Slapping you is also a crime. Call the police and have him removed immediately and also file for an emergency non molestation order.

Contact these people below and they will get the injunction for you.

National Centre for domestic violence

You are not overreacting no matter what that voice in your head or your husband says.

Mine put his hand on my neck and threatened me and then tried to say over WhatsApp he didn't. Thankfully he had already admitted it in previous messages.

My abuse is so bad that they have been gathering evidence for over a year now and my head still wonders if I overreacted. When I tell people they are absolutely horrified.

Contact the police now and then the above link when he has been removed.

Ellie1015 · 12/12/2022 13:50

Has he called GP or any sort of mental health help? If he genuinely can't remeber attacking you then what steps is he taking to stop it? If i were him amd genuine I would be afraid of it happening again and that i was losing my mind.

I think he does remember and this is his way of excusing himself. I would leave.

CheeseandGherkins · 12/12/2022 13:50

I'm so sorry, what a shock. He will know what he did but doesn't want to admit it to you, gaslighting you. Without a shadow of a doubt I would leave. You deserve so much better and this will always be there ever time you have an argument.

I left my exh when I had small children after he strangled me, there had been other incidents before, and years of verbal, emotional and other abuse but that was my wake up call. I'm so glad I did and it was the right thing to do, he could have killed me. He also denied it...

Please don't believe his empty promises now, he hurt you and if you were a big man he was in the same situation with, he would have been magically able to "control" himself.

Also, talk to your family and friends. Don't cover up for an abuser, that's exactly what he wants.

villamariavintrapp · 12/12/2022 13:51

@lightand a two time rule?! Good god, so there is nothing a man could do to you that would be a dealbreaker first time?!

Anoooshka · 12/12/2022 13:51

I'm sorry this happened to you. You need to leave him. It won't be the last time that he hits you. Unfortunately, there are lots of us on here that have experienced domestic violence, and incidences like these never, ever happen only once.

Enko · 12/12/2022 13:51

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 12/12/2022 13:46

Let's pretend for a second that he didn't know he was doing it and he doesn't remember (and he did know and he does remember let's face it)

He's actually saying at any point he could attack and kill you without realising. So I assume he's made an urgent appointment at the doctors and made arrangements to stay else where whilst this is being investigated in order to keep you safe?

And informed his manager and asked to work solo/remotely as this presumably isn't a wierd medical condition that only affects him in the presence of his wife/partner?

I mean that would be doing everything in his power to stop it happening again. Anything less than that and he doesn't give a fuck.

You know what you need to do really, you need to leave. To escalate from no physical violence straight to strangulation is very concerning as the next escalation is essentially killing you.

All of this op. If he hasn't contacted the doctor by now the yes he will do it again and no he won't Do everything in his power to get ir sorted. Because he couldn't even be bothered to make a phone call for your safety. That's how low down the list of priorities you are to him.

Op I have adults daughters I would hate to think they woild feel to embarrassed to come and tell me and their dad if they were in your situation. Please reach out to someone who loves you. Friend or family.

weemouse · 12/12/2022 13:51

He doesn't remember, but will do everything in his power to make sure it doesn't happen again?

Run to your family and friends, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

When people show you who they really are, believe them.

tantrumingcoldchild · 12/12/2022 13:52

Leave.

itsnotmeitisactuallyyou · 12/12/2022 13:52

Unicorn2022 · 12/12/2022 13:18

You have to leave him. It's a blessing in disguise that you don't have kids with him. The violence plus gaslighting is a deadly combination.

Sound advice

Same1977 · 12/12/2022 13:52

JustCakeInDrag · 12/12/2022 13:35

I can't believe what I'm reading from some posters. A "two time" rule?

Everyone loses their temper sometimes. Only abusers get physically violent.

Although this is different level.I once had a very trying time and lost control and hit my partner.It has not happened again.

Grabbing by throat is a different thing of course but nonetheless no its not just abusers who get physical sometimes ta someone who simply ,once loses their control.The only different is I am a woman .

krustykittens · 12/12/2022 13:53

Adding my voice to everyone else's in the hope that an overwhelming response of "LEAVE!" will make things easier for you. Go, OP, today and never go back. Good men don't hit or strangle and they certainly don't pretend they didn't do it. A line has been crossed and he can't go back.

Floralnomad · 12/12/2022 13:54

I’d leave , nice normal people do not behave in that way .

MeridianB · 12/12/2022 13:54

YoSofi · 12/12/2022 13:15

He does remember.

You need to leave. Grabbing you by the throat is a huge indicator that he is likely to kill you in future.

Get out.

This. He knows.

It's already really dangerous. It will happen again.

Don't give him the chance to confuse/gaslight/lie/hit you again. Please put yourself first.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Flowers
icegoose · 12/12/2022 13:55

So either he has a serious mental health condition which means he violently attacks his wife and instantly forgets ever having done so.
Or he is okay with slapping, throttling his wife and then immediately lying about this to her.

I would move out for at least a few days to clear your head OP and give you a chance to think about what you want to do.
It would also show your DH that he can't just pretend this violent assault never happened.

WeepingSomnambulist · 12/12/2022 13:56

There will be a next time. And a time after that. And a time after that. When it gets worse, it means he has killed you.

Men kill women in their homes. Husbands kill wives.

He is violent. Violent abusers do not change. They just dont.

You have got to leave. Pack your bags and leave now.

beezlebubnicky · 12/12/2022 13:56

Please leave him, OP. He could kill you. Reasonable people do not snap to violence.

Can you talk to a friend and family member you trust when he isn't there and arrange to go and stay with them? I know you may not want to tell the police, but when you are away from him I would consider doing so.

As other posters have mentioned, I would also recommend contacting a charity like Women's Aid and/or calling the National Domestic Abuse helpline on 08082000247. They can point you in the direction of services to help.

But right now your priority is getting away safely. Do not wait. When you are away from him, I think you may slowly begin to realise your perception of him changing, and that there may have been possible signs of this along the way. It isn't your fault in any way, it is his. Please keep yourself safe - you can talk to us on here, but I hope you have trusted people on your life you can speak with as well. 💐

GirloutofAfrica · 12/12/2022 13:56

You could contact a DA organisation to talk through things with someone and this will help you get a better picture.
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

billyt · 12/12/2022 13:57

@Louise33388

'Trending' doesn't show all of long thread titles. All I could see was... my husband hit me for the first and...

I was hoping the missing bit said...last time. Sad

I may have lost my temper at times, everybody does. But I've never raised my hands or touched my wife in anger. Ever.

Women who have experienced brutality will be the ones you really should listen to.

OldFan · 12/12/2022 13:57

The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me

They often say that. It's not true.

I'm shocked at some PP's saying you should let this slide. Once of being hit and throttled is too often and it should be the end of the relationship immediately.

Someone throttling you (no matter how briefly) is a major sign he could go on to kill you.

TheplacewhereIwant2b · 12/12/2022 13:57

Ravageur · 12/12/2022 13:19

please leave while you're still able to 💐

I hope you are ok OP. You need to get out. As a kid I saw one of my parents go through this. I didn't see the strangling but I saw hair pulling and heard the shouting over years. There were things I didn't see (a friend of my parent said if you don't take those kids now they won't have a mother, you'll be dead). Please look after yourself. If you can go to family, do it.

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2022 13:58

Men grabbing by the throat are apparently likely to progress. Strangling is the immediate escalation. Please get out. Meanwhile, if he wants sex, say no and don’t have a baby with this arsehole.

KettrickenSmiled · 12/12/2022 13:58

Fufumcgoo · 12/12/2022 13:43

Oh my live that must have been so frightening. I'm so sorry he did that to you.

Because of the sheer shock of it, your brain will be trying to make sense of the situation and to protect you will try to minimise what happened. This is normal and does not make you in any way weak.

Please ignore those on here who will start shouting at you to leave him immediately. Life doesn't work like that.

To be clear I think you should leave.

There's no doubt about that, but how you do it is up to you.

If you feel that you are safe in the immediate, then take some time to look at your options and to consider what happened. Remember that even if in anger, he chose to hit you. He made a choice. Many would say that he has done it once now and so he will do it again. I feel this is likely and would not want to take the risk on myself and my physical and mental wellbeing.

Please stick on this thread, ignore the shreekers and ask anything you like for advice or perspective ❤️

Show quote history

"Shreeker" here who you've been advised by @Fufumcgoo to ignore.

Because she reckons that If you feel that you are safe in the immediate, that's a good-enough reason to hang about twiddling your thumbs & trusting that he won't repeat his performance.

But that's ridiculous. The other night - you felt entirely safe in the immediate, didn't you? Did that feeling of safety protect you? I think you should go & stay with a friend or relative, while you think this through, taking on board the otherwise good advice Fufu gave you in her post above.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 12/12/2022 13:59

Same1977 · 12/12/2022 13:52

Although this is different level.I once had a very trying time and lost control and hit my partner.It has not happened again.

Grabbing by throat is a different thing of course but nonetheless no its not just abusers who get physical sometimes ta someone who simply ,once loses their control.The only different is I am a woman .

Show quote history

And you should be treated exactly the same as a bloke who has just hit his wife/girlfriend/partner.

Just because you've had a tough time doesn't give you carte blanche to physically abuse your partner and I would give him the same advice I'd give to OP. Leave

CheeseIsMyPatronus · 12/12/2022 13:59

@Louise33388 , get in touch with Women's Aid. You need help getting free from him. I know it feels overwhelming and scary. But you are not safe and you deserve to be.