My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

He remembers, he's lining up his defence for the day he seriously injures you or worse.

Get over your embarrassment and end this relationship, for your own safety.

I agree.
I am so sorry OP.

OP -if he says he didn't do it, then next time he hurts you what's to stop him saying YOU attacked HIM and he was defending himself and if, God forbid he kills you, it was because you were so violent and self-defence got out of hand?

He DOES remember. He's making you doubt what happened. This is seriously not a nice man. Don't bother analysing why he did it, or if he'll do it again - GET OUT.

Two times is two times too many.

He attacked and he is now pretending that it never happened.

You are not safe with this man.

Report him to the police so there is a record of the assault and leave him/kick him out.

It will do it again and there is no coming back from this. You will never be able to trust him again and you should not give him another change to harm you.

Men like this are vile and need to be made to face the consequences of their actions.

I can only tell you my experience.

The first time he gave me a resounding slap. I forgave that as he was ‘sorry’ and it was ‘just a slap’.

The second time I was battered, strangled and left for dead. My face isn’t the face I had before. Not any more.

I was ‘lucky’. Many women aren’t.

He remembers fine enough. You know it happened. So does he.

It is never ‘just’ anything. I would say it is very very rarely ‘just’ a one off.

It is never justifiable.

It was about 30 years ago now OP. I still remember it. The hopelessness. The helplessness. The terror. The pain. And the resignation that I was going to die.

And yes. The shame. Which was never mine to have.

Once is one time too many.

That’s unforgivable OP. You’ll never trust him completely again. You’ll always have that niggling fear in your mind that he might just flip & attack you out of nowhere. Sorry but another vote for leaving. Whatever you do, don’t fall pregnant with him.

If he says he “didn’t hit you” and “had no recollection of hitting you” how can he possibly do everything in his power to ensure it doesn’t happen again??
I’d say he knows exactly what he did but is trying to minimise it and make you question if it was really as bad as you remember it to be.

Leave him OP. He could have killed you. And I can’t imagine you’d ever want DC with a man capable of that? 💐

Strangling is one of the key indicators of future spousal murder. It is not to be taken lightly. I think you need to report it (if you have children definitely do this) and leave.

As a survivor of domestic violence, I beg of you. Get out now.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Use your friends and family as support. Abusers want you to feel isolated and embarrassed. You not telling anyone is what he is banking on.

He remembers and he is trying to not make a big deal out of it until this is "normal".

OP, please listen to all the other posters on here and end this relationship.

Don't be embarrased with friends and family, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Momentary amnesia is incredibly convenient - is that a first too?

One time is already too many. Grabbing you by the throat is incredibly dangerous and specifically intended to threaten you with how dangerous he can be. You not knowing how to act and walking on eggshells is EXACTLY what he wants, and now you can never again be comfortable around him because how will you know if he's about to choke you?

I am not trying to be gratuitously scarey, that is just the reality of living with a man who hits you or strangles you. Get out, he has shown you he will hurt you, do not stay to let him do it again.

Let's hope the second time isn't the fatal one eh.

It's ridiculous to assume he will definitely do it again we have all lost our tempers at some point

Fucking hell, what have I just read? not to the point of slapping them, pinning them up against a wall and throttling them and then denying I ever did it, I haven't. You really think OP should hang around because 'he might not do it again'? and if he does, and worse next time?

OP what first struck me from your title was 'for the first time'; like you're subconsciously expecting more

Please act on the mostly wise advice that you've received here and get out.

You've seen the real him.

Oh my live that must have been so frightening. I'm so sorry he did that to you.

Because of the sheer shock of it, your brain will be trying to make sense of the situation and to protect you will try to minimise what happened. This is normal and does not make you in any way weak.

Please ignore those on here who will start shouting at you to leave him immediately. Life doesn't work like that.

To be clear I think you should leave.

There's no doubt about that, but how you do it is up to you.

If you feel that you are safe in the immediate, then take some time to look at your options and to consider what happened. Remember that even if in anger, he chose to hit you. He made a choice. Many would say that he has done it once now and so he will do it again. I feel this is likely and would not want to take the risk on myself and my physical and mental wellbeing.

Please stick on this thread, ignore the shreekers and ask anything you like for advice or perspective ❤️

I wonder if anyone has any evidence of a person losing control (it was beyond his power to stop this attack) causing trauma and injury in a way that felt life threating and never doing it or anything similar again. Ever. Someone who is now dead who was violent once in their life.

Having survived DV I'm imagining that now it's emotionally very hard to leave but not terrifying. Further along the path leaving becomes a desperate wish but very scary, in my experience.

The Freedom Programme helped me.

two time rule?

the second time she might not be lucky enough to write her story!

Speak for yourself! In 50+ years I have never slapped or put my hands around anyone's throat.

He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me.

He did it. No matter what he says. It happened and it is not your fault.

I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself.

You do know what to do, you know that you need to get away from him. If you don't and if you accept what he did, and normalise it, it will happen again and you will slowly lose yourself mentally and emotionally, irregardless of what happens to you physically.

Do not give anyone the chance to do this to you twice, there are a million men out there worthy of your love who will love you in return and never lay a finger on you or dream of doing.

He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

This is just absolute bullshit, so did it happen? Or did it not happen? The fact that he lost control of himself to the point that he went to strangle you, suggests that controlling his behaviour is not within his power, so it's futile for him to suggest that it won't happen again. He is saying this so you won't leave, because even he knows that that's what you should do.

Don't hang about for him to talk you round, go and stay with a friend you trust or a family member and tell them what has happened. You have nothing to be ashamed of, this is not your fault.

It's ridiculous to assume he will definitely do it again we have all lost our tempers at some point

Experts disagree @maddy68
See Dr Monckton Smith.
www.theguardian.com/society/2021/feb/21/jane-monckton-smith-in-control-domestic-abuse-murder-public-protection

& no - we have NOT all lost our tempers like that. Temper loss is one thing. Violence & strangulation quite another. If you have lost you temper to that degree - go & get some anger management. And stop telling PP that their standards are as low as your own.

OP if he 'doesn't remember' hitting you then how will he ensure it doesn't happen again? Not remembering (bullshit btw, of course he remembers!) would imply a complete loss of control and disassociation from what happened and if that were true he would have no way of preventing that happening again.

So even by his 'logic' it is not safe for you to stay because even if what he's saying now were true he could 'lose it' again at any time. And of course it isn't true, he remembers just fine and the fact that he can't even admit it means the risk of him doing it again is extremely high. There's clearly no guilt, remorse or self reflection which might mean he does the work necessary to ensure he doesn't do it again so you are very much at risk if you stay, he could easily kill you next time.

He doesn't remember yet says he will do everything in his power to stop it happening again? Complete liar. You need space and he needs to seek professional help. I'm so sorry this happened you must be so confused and afraid. Please get support from family or a friend and seek legal advice.

Let's pretend for a second that he didn't know he was doing it and he doesn't remember (and he did know and he does remember let's face it)

He's actually saying at any point he could attack and kill you without realising. So I assume he's made an urgent appointment at the doctors and made arrangements to stay else where whilst this is being investigated in order to keep you safe?

And informed his manager and asked to work solo/remotely as this presumably isn't a wierd medical condition that only affects him in the presence of his wife/partner?

I mean that would be doing everything in his power to stop it happening again. Anything less than that and he doesn't give a fuck.

You know what you need to do really, you need to leave. To escalate from no physical violence straight to strangulation is very concerning as the next escalation is essentially killing you.

Look on the bright side, at least they didn't ask her if she started it.

You might not feel like it now but not having children with him is a positive. I love my grandchildren so much, but honestly life would be so much better for everyone if we didn't have them tying us to their father. If you don't have children it is so much easier to leave and not look back.