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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

604 replies

Louise33388 · 12/12/2022 13:12

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
ItsaMetalBand · 16/01/2023 15:17

I understand the need to give him a second chance and I don't judge. I did exactly the same thing

My ex never attacked me physically after that incident but I began to see the other ways his behaviour was abusive because the advice I got after the attack like you are getting here, was invaluable to me. And once I started to see the patterns, the manipulations and my own reactions, I began to learn that it wasn't a case of if I left, but when I would leave.

I did decide to leave, some months later and it was over a non issue compared to the shit I did put up with - he was "jokingly" calling me a stupid cunt over something I was doing. And I saw in that moment that if we had kids together, I'd have my own baby laughing at mummy being a silly cunt -or calling me one as learned behaviour from their dad. I knew I would be a shit mother to give any baby him as a dad. And that was my trigger to leave. Nearly 20 years on I am so thankful I didn't have any ties and could cut communication with him right away. I shudder to think that I could have been tethered to him via a child with him hell bent on damaging behaviours and me hell bent on trying to protect that child.

You'll get to that point where you know you need to leave. And we will be here to hold your hand whenever that time comes. Flowers

BellePeppa · 16/01/2023 15:25

You don’t have children (thankfully). For heavens sake what are you staying for. There should be zero tolerance for what he did, not second bloody chances. Don’t have children with him, that would be unbelievably selfish.

Dionysiana · 16/01/2023 15:55

No judgement from me either: after the first major incident, it took me another 15 years to leave. This means I never had children and I have changed in ways I never realised would happen (I would be incapable of forming another intimate relationship, for example). I hope you get out sooner and in better shape than I did. Best wishes.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/01/2023 15:57

Dionysiana
❤️

Courtnightmares · 16/01/2023 15:58

No judgement OP - it took me 5 years of punches, strangulation, stamping, verbal, emotional and mental abuse to finally leave him. I thought after the first time it was me that provoked him and that was that. 3 years on from leaving the monster we are half way through court proceedings for child arrangements owing to the severity of the abuse he's only allowed supervised contact and this has been ongoing for 3 years.
No judgement OP, but please be careful. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 16/01/2023 15:59

Louise33388 · 12/12/2022 13:12

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

Sweetheart...try to face it sooner rather than later.

newtb · 16/01/2023 16:25

Leave

LittleLillie · 16/01/2023 16:58

@Dionysiana Flowers

Motnight · 16/01/2023 17:46

Ameanstreakamilewide · 16/01/2023 15:59

Sweetheart...try to face it sooner rather than later.

Show quote history

@Ameanstreakamilewide you will probably get more replies starting your own thread.

Retraite40 · 16/01/2023 17:53

Have there been any other indicators of a mental imbalance? Irrational behaviour, not necessarily violent. It’s worth thinking back and last but not least do you have any reason to think he’s taking drugs. Skunk is dangerous and can cause mental illness.
im not excusing him but sometimes we gloss over strange behaviour.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 16/01/2023 17:57

Motnight · 16/01/2023 17:46

@Ameanstreakamilewide you will probably get more replies starting your own thread.

Show quote history

I believe @Ameanstreakamilewide was replying to the OP's quote

Givemyheadpiece · 17/01/2023 10:19

Please please please speak to a friend or someone you can trust about this in RL.
Call the Samaritans. Call Womens Aid. There are confidential phone lines you can call just to talk about this. Having sex with you while your asleep in NOT consensual, it's rape.
And a man who thinks this is okay, and thinks choking you okay, is absolutely capable of killing you then standing in court with a 'rough sex' defence.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 26/01/2023 22:55

Hope the second chance works OP! Wishing you happier times ahead.

As his behaviour was so extreme- it would be prudent to plan for if this doesn't work out well. Set up:

-a grab bag with essentials and paperwork
-a place you can go to without warning

  • a letter placed with a solicitor describing the detail of things that have happened

and it would be wise to tell at least one person in real life.

You are brave and forgiving and deserve to live on.

Sensimate1 · 12/04/2024 18:53

My husband hit me for the first time.
I recently had a c section delivery and I am blessed with twin baby girls 25 days old now.
Few days back I got indulge in an argument with my husband and he pushed me hard, twisted my wrist and slapped on both my cheeks with his full strength. I was in shock and was not able to react for a while. My wrist is not able to hold any load post that twist. My one side of the ear was not working for few hours. I had to use ice pack on my cheeks to lessen my pain on both sides. My husband was sorry and he mentioned it won't repeat. He took a vow on the babies name that he will not repeat this. I cried all day with pain and betrayal. I don't feel happy or emotionally attached with my husband any more. I tried to forget everything and pretend to be happy only because of my twin baby girls but whenever I get alone everytime this incident flashes in my mind. After c section delivery my body and mind is not the same. And post this shocking incident I don't know what to do how to react. My babies are only 25 days old. Also It's worth mentioning I lost my parents recently and I don't have any emotional support. What should I do.

Balzac20 · 12/04/2024 18:59

That’s horrific @Sensimate1 , I suggest you start a new thread to get advice for your situation. I’m so sorry you’re going through this

taylorswift1989 · 12/04/2024 19:05

You need to get away as soon and as safely as you can @Sensimate1

Can you start a new thread in relationships so people can give advice. Just copy over the text from your comment.

isthewashingdryyet · 12/04/2024 19:08

I have reported your thread so they can move it so you get the help you need.

you need to leave him, abuse increases when women have babies, and he sounds awful

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 12/04/2024 19:08

Motnight · 16/01/2023 17:46

@Ameanstreakamilewide you will probably get more replies starting your own thread.

Show quote history

She’s replying to the OP.

Southern68 · 12/04/2024 19:16

I'm sorry to say this, but now he's done it once it will be easier for him to do it again, each time being more violent. As for the I'll try not to do it again, he knows exactly what he did and he shouldn't have to try not to do it, it should be normal not to hit you, the bloody coward. I'm a dv survivor so please believe me when I tell you it won't stop. Leave this waste of space now while you still can and make sure you're safe. Most importantly contact the police and report it, and confide in family or a close friend.

LaLaLand99 · 12/04/2024 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AgentJohnson · 12/04/2024 19:52

He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

He assures you he won’t do the thing that he won’t admit to doing. He hasn’t developed amnesia but the manipulative fucker hopes you will. Someone who physically assaults you and gaslights you into thinking it didn’t happen is a coward, a very dangerous coward.

I know you are in shock, been there and got the t-shirt. It took another year for my Ex to do it again. Me protecting him, pretty much guaranteed it happening again. Domestic violence thrives in secrecy. Tell someone.

Elephantsareace · 12/04/2024 21:41

@Louise33388 how are things with you now? I hope you're okay

ForsythiaPlease · 12/04/2024 22:15

OP, you say he hit you for the first time-that means you know, deep down, that this is only the start.
I stayed after the first time (pregnant), exactly the same narrative, it didn't happen, no one would believe me, it would never happen again, I felt ashamed.
But it did happen again.
Get out, now, and don't let him know you're leaving. Better to get him arrested and bailed to give you time to leave safely. Tell people in real life who you trust to be with you on the day.

Original poster
Louise33388 · 15/04/2024 08:44

Elephantsareace · 12/04/2024 21:41

@Louise33388 how are things with you now? I hope you're okay

Hi all,

I cannot express how grateful I am to you all for all your support and advice, honestly it has meant the world to me. I thought I would share an update with you all...

I left him, I left him summer last year. I tried to forgive and forget and move on and after a few months of pretending I just couldn't get what he did out of my head. So I left and honestly it is the best decision I ever made. I've never been happier. It was scary as I was starting again on my own, but it's been nearly 9 months now and I've never regretted my decision and never looked back.

We're now in the process of going through a divorce. Luckily we didn't own any property etc together, but I have a lot more money in savings than he does and I own a flat in Italy, which I'm currently living in at the moment and he's trying to take every single penny I have from me. He has no money and no assests so he wants everything he can get from me, which after the way he has treated me is an absolute joke. So that's getting me down, but I'm trying to not let him affect my positive mindset.

He also said that as I didn't report the domestic violence when it happend, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on in court and that I wouldn't win, so to not even bother trying to use that. The audacity that man has never ceases to amaze me.

I hope anyone going through a similar thing to what I have gone through can also find the courage to move forward with your life and give yourself the respect you deserve not the disrespect they show you. You, I and everyone is worth more than that.

Lots of love to you all.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 15/04/2024 08:52

But you do have supporting evidence - this thread. You created it at the time he hit you. Have you told your lawyer about the abuse and the existence of this thread ?