My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

On the one hand, he says he didn’t do it, he never hit you & that he doesn’t remember. And on the other hand, he says he’ll do everything in his power not to let it happen again.

So firstly, he’s clearly lying about not remembering, otherwise why is he admitting to not wanting it to happen again?
And secondly, he’s removing himself from being directly responsible by using the phrase “let it happen”. He didn’t let it happen. This is something he did, with his hands and his anger and his strength, on purpose.

Don’t let him have a second chance.

My partner had a shit abusive traumatic childhood where he was beaten and abused. He struggled with emotions and anger, but he has never once hit me even in our worst arguments, nor has he made me feel like he might hit me.

People do lose their temper and do bad things in the heat of the moment that they regret afterwards. Assaulting someone is not in that category.

If he still denies that he physically abused you then how can he "assure me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again."
Surely the first step is for him to admit that he struck you and choked you, only then can any sort of reconciliation of the relationship take place.
I would ask him to leave until he can be truthful. Personally I would find it hard to accept that someone who is supposed to protect and love me thinks those actions are acceptable.

You must leave, a woman in our town was in a dv relationship for years. He cut her throat from behind and moved her body. Then he said he couldn’t remember.

Dh and I had rows but he never hit me or punched something.

OP this is absolutely NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Nothing about this is embarrassing.

Would you think it’s embarrassing if a friend confided in you if their husband physically attacked them? You wouldn’t.

You need to leave him. This will only escalate I’m afraid.

It’s very telling that he now “doesn’t remember”. What absolute bull shit! He does remember. And he is now trying to gaslight you and coerce you. Which is a form of abusive.

Please do not have a child with this disgrace of a man. He is not fit to be a father. And never will be.

Tell a trusted family member or friend about this immediately. Then speak to a solicitor for professional advice regarding finances and divorce.

This is your chance to leave before it’s too late.

how on Earth can he not remember? What a lot of complete bullshit.

please leave him

You need to tell a friend or family member ASAP. And your relationship is over.
You have to leave him. There is no excuse.
he should be charged with assault.
Yiu aren’t safe with him and you will never feel safe with him again.
so sorry this has happened to you.

Please stop giving advise to abused women. Your post is dangerous.

FWIW my sister's partner of 6 years was only violent once. That one time was enough to kill her.......

Men who hit women are the scum of the earth and NEVER deserve a second chance imo.

Any kind of violence is bad, but grabbing someone by the throat is not like a slap or a punch, it's much worse, because the only purpose of choking someone is to kill them.

For that second he held you against the wall by your throat, he wanted to kill you. You can't ever trust him.

Please talk to a friend, if you can't face your family yet.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. HE DOES.

This man could kill you next time. He knows he did it. He's denying it which is a form of gaslighting (and emotional abuse). He has already crossed the line into physical abuse.

Please do not minimise how serious this is. Talk to Women's Aid. Talk to your GP but you please must talk to someone and you must leave as soon as possible.

But do not tell him until you are somewhere away from him and safe. You are at serious risk here.

You can’t/shouldn’t even THINK of staying together when he will not admit what he’s done.

why would he feel the need to even say he hasn’t done it if that was true?

if he doesn’t accept that he did it then he cannot promise it won’t happen again.

he is 1000% in the wrong here. Do not doubt yourself

@maddy68 It's ridiculous to assume he will definitely do it again we have all lost our tempers at some point

Ive lost my temper countless times in my life but have never once strangled someone or physically assaulted them. Fucking hell how thick can you get????

This - any episode of choking in particular is a huge red flag for a fatal attack!

HUGE!!!

Please leave now. Line up your ducks when he is out, get details of bank accounts, grab passports and important documents and any children and pets and get out of there as fast as you can.

He hasn't even apologised - he has denied. Does he think you're an idiot? You are very unsafe in your home and it isn't worth the risk.

Please leave him. He knows exactly what happened. Please believe me when I say it will only get worse over time. Please don't get pregnant with him. Please read up on this - leaving is a dangerous time. Make your arrangements as quickly as you can and go, preferably when he isn't there.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

In the first couple of years of my relationship with ex husband he was violent but I stayed, I even moved out for a few months after we built our own home and afterwards went back and married him and had two children. A leopard doesn't change his spots and I eventually after 13 years decided enough was enough and had to put my children through the upheavel of splitting up, selling family home, renting and eventually buying my own home. This process took over 3 years. Get out while you can.

So he's hit you and now he is gaslighting you about it. I think if you think carefully and with as cool a head as you can, you'll realize that he has a 'bad temper', 'gets stressed' and has exhibited other behaviours AND that chances are you have been walking on eggshells and modifying your behaviour around him to avoid those behaviours.

With no DC, I'd be packed and gone by the end of the day.

If that's not feasible, you absolutely need to go back on contraception, today. The last thing you need right now it to become pregnant. I'm waaaayy past childbearing so I don't know exactly what non-Rx types of contraception is out there, but I'm sure there is something available until you can get to a GP for something more reliable. I wouldn't suggest condoms to him, you don't want to give him any kind of 'head's up'.

"Everything in his power to stop it happening again".

It is in his power to leave you, isn't it? That should do the trick. Unless he does that, he is not keeping his word.

Even if you stay, you will live on egg shells. Wondering if he will turn. Not saying or doing the things you want in case it happens again. I have been there and gaslighted.

Just seen this.

Do NOT get pregnant by this man.

Domestic violence has been proven to increase in frequency and intensity when a woman is pregnant. You don't want to risk a baby in an atmosphere like this.

He WILL do it again. I wish I could say there was a chance he won't, but he WILL. And every time will be more violent than the time before.

It is very important that you do not believe the absolute nonsense about him not remembering. Of course he does. Why would he not?

And you need to take that and realise he chose to hit you. And he will choose to hit you again and again. He’s escalated to this point and he will continue to escalate. You are in a very dangerous situation.

You need to leave.

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I can see the massive dilemma you're in - it must be awful as you seem to really love him and everything has been ok until now.

However, I'll never forget a work colleague in an abusive relationship describing how it becomes psychologically almost impossible to leave after only a few weeks of the abuse starting.

She said when they first hit you you're stunned and can't believe someone you love and who's meant to love you has just hit you.

The second time you're furious, but by the third time you think you must deserve it, that you're therefore a terrible person, that no one else would want you and so you're lucky to have him.

She said that's how abusers' minds work - it's all about control and they know exactly the effect it will quickly have on their partner.

Au contraire, in this particular instance I think it is lucky that you can escape this violent, gaslighting, abusive criminal without having to worry that he'll turn on your children, or how to keep them safe from him. Which they would never be, and nor will you.

Get out. Don't let him talk to you about it, just get out. Did you ever wonder why women stay with violent bastards because they just can't accept he's that bad? This is how. It's like this. And you're not safe. Get out.

Oh love, what a horrible shock and no wonder you are feeling confused and unsure about ending your relationship. However you have posted here and I am sure you knew that 99% of women here would tell you to run for the hills. There is real danger here for you. Another sad fact is that physical abuse can commonly start when a woman is pregnant. It means little that he hasn’t done this over 7 years but tells you everything about your possible future now. If you stay he may not do this again anytime soon, maybe not for years, and maybe when you have a baby or young children.

It’s devastating that your life has fallen apart like this. But you have a chance now to escape that future.

That must have been very frightening for you. I hope your okay. His instant denial is for himself as much as you. The thing is if you stay you are saying that the behaviour is acceptable. He can't guarantee it won't happen again, if he could it would never have happened in the first place. And if f it happens again statistically it will be worse.

Please please please leave. Write down what happened so he can't gaslight you and make you doubt your own memory. You can go to the police if you want but you don't have to if you aren't ready. You might want to in the future.
This is such good advice. I'm so sorry this has happened to you but you can't stay with someone who has done this and who isn't even prepared to admit he's done it. And as time goes by you might well find yourself starting to doubt what happened but if you write it down you can always go back and reassure yourself. Good luck - you deserve better than this