My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

OP, just to say, when getting away to safety today: BE VERY CAREFUL NOT TO LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU NOW RECOGNISE HIM AS YOUR ABUSER. A man like this can be very dangerous if he gets whiff of you planning any kind of escape.

It’s important to play your cards close to your chest. I am Brain Tumour Woman from yesterday: I wondered if taking an approach like “Oh, you’re clearly not yourself, and I’d better keep my distance while you get this checked out urgently” might give you a plausible way to leave and find safety without him losing face, i.e. without triggering him further; and “DH must be ill because this is what happened” might give you a way of raising the topic with family and friends if you find it just too overwhelming to mention it to anyone because you’re having trouble adjusting to the idea of seeing him as your enemy. You must find a way to do this somehow and involve others ASAP.

Seek help IRL and get out now. But do NOT give him the slightest hint that you are doing this.

So sad to read your updates, OP. Him thanking you for not telling anyone is so chilling - and so telling. Interesting to note his priority is his reputation.

Please get away safely. Womens Aid can help you do that.

Once you're safe tell your family and friends and report him to the police. 🌺

What sexual acts does he do, OP? My partner regularly gropes me in his sleep. I sleep nude so it’s easy for him to do to. It’s very obvious he is asleep though as an elbow/light slap on the hand wakes him enough to roll the other way.
He also doesn’t remember but it doesn’t bother me too much hence why I don’t put a pair of pyjamas on.

This sounds like so much more and I think he knows EXACTLY what he is doing. Unfortunately it sounds like he’s been abusing you for a long time

He’s abusing you physically and sexually. He will not change. He is abusive - the secrecy enables him to carry on - I know you love him - and it’s not acceptably.
keep posting - don’t let it go - my ex was “sorry sorry sorry” - he did it again.
It doesn’t matter if you danced naked in the street - no one - especially someone who claims to love you should hit you.

What you’re doing now, OP, is trying to find a reason for his behaviour by pinning the blame on yourself.
Normal men do not strangle and abuse as a way of punishment. Normal men would talk it out.
This man is dangerous.

Your update makes for really sad reading OP. But please,

• Assault is assault whether it happens inside or outside a marriage.
• You have been sexually assaulted, more than once it seems.
• Assault is not legitimised because the assailant is your husband.
• You need to tell someone. Today.

Your husband wasn't violent towards you because of a drunken kiss, he was violent towards you because he's a violent person.

@Alcemeg this... Don't know if you've done the freedom programme but they say a couple of things, because the time round leaving is such a dangerous time. Firstly as your eyes are opened and you understand more about what is happening there is the temptation to act on that knowledge, but that ramps up the abuse and puts you in more danger, keep the know ledge to yourself and use it to get help. And second, don't tell someone to leave, they need help to get a safety plan in place and then leave. OP really needs to carry on with the Christmas preparations to out him off the scent and get help to work out what to do.

Replying to someone's message previously. He has never been violent before, ever.

So he's never been violent, until he chose to enact a form of violence renowned for being the most accurate precursor to a man going on to murder his partner?

& apart from that he's been fine - except for the regular arguments, the frequent declarations that he's unhappy with the marriage, & his ongoing attempts to rape you while you sleep?

No.

Please remember - he didn't "just" hit you - he throttled you.

And he was violent prior to your drunken kiss with the random.
He regularly sexually assaulted you in your sleep.
Do not minimise this - IT IS AN ACT OF VIOLENCE.

He has form for thinking he can do what he wants to your body.
Funny how he 'couldn't remember' hitting & throttling you. Just like he 'couldn't remember' sexually assaulting you.

Has he booked himself in for a brain scan yet? - he must be terribly worried about all this amnesia.

Weather or not he remember what he did does not matter. You should not stay with this man. You should leave.

OF COURSE HE FUCKING REMEMBERS!!!
he wants to pretend he didnt do so that he doesnt have to feel bad about himself and with the added bonus that it messes with her head even more
this man is scum

Dh punched me within 2 weeks of being together. Bust my lip. I was early twenties and in a bad place and out of shame I made excuses. It happened again. And again. One night he punched me over and over I was on the floor and I really just gave up I thought he was going to kill me. The next day he carried on like nothing happened. I showed him my body black and blue and he said I didn't do that. He would never admit it. Even years later I could not mention it. The violence actually did subside but he took over in other ways, very very controlling and nasty really.
Get out now op. Any man that hits a woman is not a good man. I know this now.

Exactly! When faced with someone who can do me serious harm, I've found it useful to let them believe I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. This can help to buy valuable time.

I'm just acutely aware that along with the details of his abuse, OP has also mentioned:
I can't go to my family and friends as I feel too embarrassed.
I feel I can't tell anyone.
With me still not feeling ready to talk to my family or friends about it...
I'm being a huge recluse at the minute as I don't want to be around people

Switching from seeing your husband as your closest ally to reporting him as your abuser requires a massive mental and emotional leap of understanding, so my "treat it like an illness" (one that requires him to "quarantine" until further notice) suggestion was intended to help normalise the situation for OP and give her a smokescreen for getting away and talking to others about it, without him cottoning on to the fact that she no longer trusts him.

I hope you have left this man? That sounds horrendous😪

@TheVolturi I do hope you are away from him?🙏
It's about total dominance.
It's not only men that behave like this, my mother did, she would 'explode' and then act like nothing had happened, she had released her anger and moved on, leaving the victim quaking, but she feels better for getting it out of her system and is irritated that the victim cant also move on. I think the dynamic is similar but men have a greater propensity for violence and they do more damage because they are physically stronger.
There is more likely to be a power imbalance between men & women and I think this can be a factor in triggering predatory behaviors (I am not saying that to excuse the perpetrator!)
Please put yourself first and escape OP🙏

Switching from seeing your husband as your closest ally to reporting him as your abuser requires a massive mental and emotional leap of understanding
I agree, it's very difficult when you trust someone, they know that you trust them and that feels to them as if you have surrendered to them and they can do what they like.
It can be very hard to break the trust that you have given and properly understand that this person is an adversary, you're so confused & shocked you dont know which way is up and all you want to do it retreat to a safe place....which was what you thought your partner was

NOTHING can justify what he did to you. NOTHING.

You need to leave.

Wrt sexually assaulting you in his sleep, if he was truly remorseful he wouldn't ever have a few drinks again, would he, or he would go and sleep on the couch. He would do these things because he would be sincerely remorseful and willing to do anything to help you feel safe. Instead, he keeps on choosing to have a few drinks, climb into bed beside you, and sexually assault you.

He does this to -
Let you know he considers you to be a slab of meat,
Let you know you're his slab of meat,
Confuse you, play with your mind - he assaults you and then he's oh so sorry, but he keeps on creating the conditions where it can happen again, and it keeps on happening...

If you were to sleep on the couch instead of beside him in the bed after he's had a few drinks, how would he react?

Wrt the bit where he told you he's glad you didn't tell anyone because you family would disown him and the relationship would be over - he's using the end of the relationshipnas a threat against you, and he's testing you to see how desperate you are to keep up the facade. He thinks he has you exactly where he wants you.

‘Not trying to justify his actions, but do you guys think this is why he had the violent reaction he did?’

no. he did it because he is a violent abusive man, who is sexually assaulting you and has now escalated to choking which is the number one indicator that he is VERY dangerous.
get out of this relationship now, before your family end up sitting in a court room while this vile man’s defence lawyer argues that he accidentally choked you to death during ‘rough’ consensual sex.

Is there ANYONE in RL that you can talked to, OP? You need support.

I came back to this thread to see how you were doing, OP - and the updates were upsetting. To post on here was incredibly brave, by the way.

I know you feel embarrassed and isolated, but please find a way to either tell someone you trust or contact Women's Aid/another domestic violence helpline, so you can take the first steps towards making a plan to get away from your husband. Carry on as normal for now; don't put yourself at unnecessary risk and you need to keep yourself safe so he doesn't cotton on.

I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to accept that this man is violent and dangerous, and maybe you aren't quite there yet. But your life is at risk and there are so many people on this thread who care for you and wish you well. Take heart from that and I hope you can find a safe way to seek help.

But your life is at risk and there are so many people on this thread who care for you and wish you well. Take heart from that and I hope you can find a safe way to seek help.

A big YES to this.
Thinking of you OP.

Hello @Louise33388, I’ve read all your posts and felt compelled to share some thoughts that I hope might help.

Firstly, this is said with love:

you sound like an accomplished woman who works hard and does well at work so kudos to you for that! What you have expressed in this forum however leaves me concerned. There is a huge huge issue with boundaries and treating you not only respectfully but also legally-I say legally because what you described regarding sex is sexual assault-apologies if the term seems harsh but that is what it is.
when you’re sleeping you’re unconscious and can’t give consent so basically you’re being used in a way that’s ugly, dehumanising and with total disrespect of you as a person.

it also has me thinking how much fun is that? You’re not participating ( whic you would be doing if you had consented) there is no exchange of pleasure, bonding or sharing. It’s messed up.

My big worry for you is the slap and hands around your throat. A woman who is assaulted this way by her partner has a 50? 60% chance of being murdered by her partner within a shockingly short period of time.

How do I know this? My ExH was violent which led me to leave him and divorce him but also led me to a fabulous Womens association where I learned the stats behaviours of violent men and what happens or can happen to partners of violent men if they choose to remain with one.

you’re in shock the first time you’re assaulted because you thought you were ‘safe’ and now you are not. There is an imbalance of power in the relationship and your needs, voice and right to safety and dignity ( forget about happiness for now) are void.

So here’s the thing, it is possible to have some understanding of your partner’s behaviour but you will need emotional and physical distance to do so.

You will also need education and support.

my take on your situation? You do need to leave because the stats say he will do it again, and again. On average women in long term violent relationships take 7 years to leave.

you are in that kind of relationship. Please don’t take that amount of time to walk away as you run the risk of being dead at worse or immeasurably scarred at best.

You can’t help him. He needs specialist help and because of his denial it’s going to be a long haul. Usually the way help is offered is by being arrested and sent to prison and the judge making it mandatory in order to A) not do any jail time and or b) get a reduced sentence or a home detention with conditions attached.

this is not your problem it is his-however your problem is to increase your self esteem and self respect/self love by educating yourself and reflecting upon why you’re in this in the first place-which you will come to first understand with support.

please consider the above and find a womens group you can attend for advice, support and education.

take care x

Hi @Louise33388 , how are you doing?

The message above from @LaVieestBelleNestCePas reminds me of the advice often given by support groups to the families of those suffering with substance addiction (I'm a member of one of these to help me deal with a sibling's alcoholism).

That advice is: You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it'.

This is equally applicable to those in relationships with violent partners, and it's really important, particularly the third sentence. You can't cure it. This is particularly the case now things have started to escalate.

Keep this in mind as you try to process what's happening. I've been thinking of you, and still wishing you well