My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

Hey all,

Again I cannot thank you enough for all the support and advice you have given me. Honestly I don't think you know how much it has helped me. As an update, we've had numerous long chats and he has said he will never do it again and it was a one off. I've decided to stay with him, please no hate for that. It has been the only time he hit me and I feel he deserves a second chance. Obviously if it happens again then I will walk without looking back, but for our marriage I feel he deserves a second chance. I am of course hoping it will never happen again. He has curbed his drinking and this has helped.

"Curbed his drinking" but not distraught enough at having hurt you that he's stopped completely?

I'm afraid to say it but he will hurt you again OP.

And men who put their hands around a female partner's throat in anger are statistically 6 - 7 times likelier to murder that female partner.

We'll be here to help when you need us, without judgment.

In the meantime, please tell me you will be using a couple of methods of contraception so that children aren't added to this situation?

Did he promise not to strangle you again too?

Obviously no one hates you, OP. Concerned for your safety, though. It usually takes a few attempts for women to leave their abusers so you're not alone. Make sure you have an escape fund, a packed bag, a mobile phone he doesn't know about. Hopefully you won't need them, but right now you need to be vigilant about your safety.

Noooooooo

The long chat is just where he builds more hatred and contempt for you, because you've indicated you might do something but actually haven't, and he will be very very angry at you for challenging him, but also his contempt will grow because you didn't actually go through with it. And he knows also you are scared.

What you are doing is green lighting worse behaviour in his mind. To keep you in line next time, let's say when you remind him about his long chats and the promises he didn't mean but gave you, he will be back with a vengeance

All you have done is given him
a new tool to beat you with.

Similar thing happened to me. Exh slammed a door in my face and gave me a black eye during an argument. We were due to go to a family party the next day. I said I didn't want to go and he begged me to. I eventually agreed and we went and it was awful. My boss asked me about the eye on Monday morning when I went back into work.He was still apologetic and was grateful I went. All of which is relevant as about a year later and to the point we got divorced (not due to that) he denied it ever happened.

I don't know if he genuinely had mentally blocked it out as he was horrified at what he did or he just pretended not to remember as that was easier for him. He never did it again.

However I also never fully trusted him again.

See you when it happens next time, OP.

Because there's always a next time.

You do know what to do, just afraid.
Men are abusive because they think they can get away with it. They rely on their victims keeping quiet. The next time he does this, your going to regret choosing to stay quiet so as not to rock the boat. Your whole life will be spent walking on eggshells. Can you imagine yourself punching him in the face, no because your better than that.
Womens aid will be able to help you, violent men don't change, he has shown you he is capable of losing control and next time could be worse.

I was in an abusive relationship @Louise33388 . I understand why it's so hard to leave.

You convince yourself that it was a one-off, or that it wasn't really that bad, or if it was, you did something to deserve it. All of this is in your posts. At first you said he'd never been violent before (one off), but then you disclosed that he has sexually assaulted you multiple times while you were asleep. The language you use ("performing sex acts") is definitely in the "But it wasn't that bad" category. Then you started wondering if you kissing someone else was behind his physical assault ("I must have done something to deserve it").

Look at his reactions. He denies these things ever happened or says he can't remember...but at the same time he says he feels disgusted with himself? Why would he feel disgusted over something that never happened? He knows what he's doing OP.

The next phase will involve him being absolutely lovely to you. You'll relax. You'll feel so relieved and grateful. Then the violence will resume, whether physical or sexual. You'll be shocked, horrified...and you'll conclude that it must be your fault again, because he has been so lovely to you, and obviously he wouldn't do this without provocation. And so the cycle goes on. My therapist compared an abusive relationship to being on heroin: you know it makes you feel like shit, and could even kill you, but you desperately crave the good times (the periods where he's on his best behaviour) and that's what keeps you trapped in the cycle.

I won't tell you to leave. As I said, I've been there. I know it's not easy to get out. However, you at least owe yourself some honesty. If you're going to stay, stay with your eyes open. It wasn't a one-off. He knows what he did. It will happen again (especially now he's seen that you didn't tell anyone). It really is that bad. It isn't your fault.

If you've decided to stay with a physical abuser, so be it. But PLEASE don't bring children into this relationship.

A slap to the head or a grab round the throat for a baby or child could mean death or permanent damage and now you know that he is capable of that, you have to realise you cannot risk having children within this relationship.

You have no kids
Walk away
Get some space
Do not get pregnsnt with him
Imagine him doing this to your child or to you in front of a child

I also am urging you to have iron clad contraception, l have also been there and it will happen again....this is not the first time he has abused you the sex acts are abusive.
The hands around the throat are the firm indicator he will hurt you again and you may not survive. Is he really worth risking your life for?
And not having children for?

Please think very carefully and talk to your friends. We are all here for you.

You can decide to stay, but some things cannot be undone. He is a violent abuser. That cannot be undone. You can forgive him, but he remains a violent abuser. You cannot undo that he is capable of hurting you.

I've been following this thread from the start and I don't think I've commented until now. I just have to say that I have been in some stressful situations in relationships when I was much younger, including my ex-wife cheating on me and various other things that led to pretty heated arguments. I never came even close to hitting a partner, let alone throttling them. This is not normal or inevitable, or your (OP) fault, or just one of those things that happen in life. It's a huge, huge, huge step beyond acceptable behaviour for a man to do this and I am as confident as I can be that every man I know well enough to call a friend in real life would agree. I really hoped you would realise that you need to get out. I still hope that you will.

Dear OP, please make sure you have an emergency bag packed somewhere and some useful phone numbers at hand, like women's aid, some relatives, etc, even if you don't plan to use it.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

You realise he's sexually abusing you? My ex did stuff to me whilst I was asleep too. I didn't realise until much later that it is actually sexual assault and rape.

Please tell your family and leave this awful man. His behaviour will escalate and you will find it harder to leave as he will destroy your self esteem and gaslight you.

FYI, you know when he claims to have ‘no recollection’ of sexually abusing you in your sleep? Yeah? He’s lying. Good luck.

You can walk out of the door tomorrow/tonight/next week and build a new life, free from this freak. The longer you wait, the more danger you face. He will do this again, OP. Get out, now.

Thank you for updating us @Louise33388 - of course nobody hates you for your decision, but we are seriously concerned. I'm quoting the post above as I think it says everything better than I ever could.

Many of us know it isn't as cut and dried as 'leave him'. But your husband is gaslighting you into thinking the abuse will stop, and it won't.

I really wish you all the best and pray for your safety.

I think you're making an error in judgement, but it's your decision. Ta here's no 'hate' here, just a lot of concern.

Just please, don't get caught up in the 'sunk costs fallacy'. And also, keep a close eye on your own behaviour. Be sure you aren't tailoring your behaviour, walking on eggshells, or watching your words for fear of 'setting him off' again. You aren't the one who needs to change. And someone who has abused you telling you that if you didn't do X, they wouldn't do Y is bullshit.

Remember that leaving is always an option. And leaving because you aren't being true to yourself (as per above) is a valid reason to leave.

I don't think anyone will hate you.
It is very sad to see someone convince themselves that staying with someone who sexually and physically assaulted them is the right decision.
But it isn't surprising, it usually takes many attempts before women manage to leave their abusive partners.
Leaving is harder than staying but in the future it will always be a possible option.

OP understand it’s hard to walk away from a life you’ve built with someone. As everyone says, there’s always another time. It will happen. If he’s so genuinely sorry he should be giving up alcohol completely. You can’t ever have a family with this man, it’s dangerous to bring children into this and when pregnant women are at their most vulnerable for being the victims of abuse. Please be careful, but don’t be afraid to come back here for help if you need it. We do recognise it’s hard to leave an abuser, as they always promise the world, then gradually you’ll see old habits creeping back. Even any sign of violence, please get out of there

Numerous sexual assaults
I'm so disgusted every time I sexually assault you
Hard slap across the face (I couldn't stop at this point)
Pinned against the wall (I couldn't stop at this point)
Strangled (I couldn't stop my hands reaching for your neck)
I don't remember
It didn't happen
I will do everything in my power to stop these things that I don't remember
I will do everything in my power to stop these things that didn't happen
Instead of quitting the drink, I'll drink a bit less.
Thank you for not grassing on me; it means you won't leave me.

Meanwhile...your body has gone into stress. Your mind will catch up. We are here for you x

You're refererring to it now as him hitting you. In your OP you said he also pinned you to the wall with your throat. Hitting you is bad, and serious. Pinning you to the wall with your throat is off the scale worrying.

If you are deciding to stay with him (and I would seriously ask you to reconsider that) then he shouldn't just be curbing his drinking he should promise to give it up altogether. If he isn't willing to do that for you then it shows he isn't that serious about ensuring it doesn't happen again.

But honestly - why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like that? Surely you won't ever feel safe around him again?

Unless he admits himself into a focussed male abuse course (which exist ) he’s not doing anything about it

he’s just pretending it didn’t happen !!!!

and how anyone can forgive and forget an act like that ? Impossible

call womens aid
and stop trying to get pregnant effective now x