My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

It’s like with dogs. They bite you once, they will bite you twice and so on.

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft has an interesting chapter on men who seek to rehabilitate themselves.

There's a checklist which is a helpful gauge for you.

But I would separate for now.

And report the assault to the police.

Shit him up like he's shit you up.

No one is going to have you OP. Just feel very sorry for you that you are staying in an abusive relationship

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Hate*

Consider a coil or implant if you are staying. You both know you shouldn’t be parents together.

Btw I stayed in an abusive relationship for far too long. My life is ruined by PTSD and my children have a deeply troubled father there’s no judgment from me only pleading not to inflict the damage I see wrecked on my children’s lives. I would gladly take another sexual assault/ verbal tirade etc to take away their suffering, however, there’s no changing who their father is.

It has been the only time he hit me and I feel he deserves a second chance

Because he's "only" hit you once make it ok then?

For the love of God don't get pregnant by him.

*makes

I suppose the language is clear. What you are actually doing is giving him a second chance to attack you.

Do not have children. What makes you think this man would not use that against you?

It then moves from "I might hit you" to "I might hit you in front of the children" or "I might start hitting your children to get at you".

If a perfect stranger had done what this guy had done, you would report him to the police. But because it's behind closed doors, it's apparently less important. The law actually says it is worse to commit domestic abuse, but you have decided that any violence in the home matters less.

You actually agree then, with this man. You are less. Less important than a stranger in the street. You don't agree with what protection the law does give you.

You will get more of what this man thinks, and less of yourself. Don't fantasize about some sort of equality, you've signed that away for yourself

Yeah actually. Once they're abusive, that's who they are.

Verbal. Physical. Whatever.

Awful. But true.

I had four dcs with my abusive h. We are all messed up because he is a fucker. One rotten apple......

This is probably just the tip of the iceberg. There must have been other behaviours underneath the surface.

You’re a o fool for not leaving him now.

DO NOT have children with this man.

Oh dear.
I wish you all the best OP, sincerely x

In the nicest possible way, you're nuts. The OP I mean.

When I fill out DASH risk assessments, the biggest red flag is strangulation. This man is very likely to kill you if you stay with him.

He’s done it now, the line has been crossed. He will do it again.

It's very sad that you've decided to stay with a man who has repeatedly sexually assaulted (in fact, raped you if by "sex acts" you mean penetration) and who has slapped and strangled you. You are worth much, much more than this. I sincerely hope that at some point you are able to leave and make a better future for yourself. I also hope you are able to do this before he seriously injures you or worse. I haven't read all the comments, only yours, but I'm certain that other people will have referenced the very sobering statistics regarding men who grab women by the throat and the dramatically increased risk that they will eventually murder their partner.

This must all feel like something that happens to other people and could never happen to you, but that's what every victim feels. I think we have an entrenched stereotype of a "beaten housewife" and when women don't recognise themselves in that stereotype they then don't think the statistics apply to them. They don't think the help is there for them. They don't think what they are experiencing is really domestic violence. We also have a stereotyped view of what a violent man presents like, and so we think "but my husband can't really be a domestic abuser because he has a good job/doesn't even drink/is brilliant to his friends and family/makes me laugh and is kind a lot of the time etc". Strong women can be abused. Charismatic and likeable men can be abusers. Abusers aren't abusive 100% of the time. They may "only" carry out abusive acts a tiny proportion of the time; that doesn't matter. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none at all.

If you are resolved to stay in the relationship, please do not have children with this man. The situation you would be choosing to bring them into is dangerous. Pregnancy and early parenthood are textbook times for domestic violence to flare. You know what kind of man he is. It would be utterly wrong for either of you to subject a child to this risk.

No hate here @Louise33388 , just sadness that your self esteem must be so rock bottom to think this is in anyway acceptable.

Do you want to feel that pain and fear again? It will happen again as you've given him permission to do it. Is he still raping you?

If your friend or sister had said they'd been assaulted would you convince them to stay?

Please listen to the pp's here who have been there and reconsider your options.

I hope to god this thread is never used in court to prove he intended to kill you.

Nogbreaks

how in any way shape or form is that a supportive comment

cmon
we all know how hard it is to extricate ourselves

but when people are so harsh it just turns people away when they need support

It's my genuine reaction to OPs posts about giving an abusive rapist who choked and hit her a ' 2nd chance'.
Choking or strangling a partner, as is well documented sign that a man is going to kill or seriously harm a woman.
Perhaps OP needs less 'support' right now and more of a wake up call.

What is he doing to fix his behaviour? Getting counselling? Anger management? Giving up drink completely? Or just making empty promises? It’s actions that count and not words - words are cheap. His actions tell you that he’s absolute scum.

It's difficult to leave. Most women who have been in this position know this.

The site will be here when you need us, Louise (and I do say 'when', not if).

Go well. And be vigilant.

Nogbreaks

hey I don’t want to argue with you

but I’ve seen so many posters leave a thread when people get harsh on them that’s all

and it’s counter productive

but I appreciate you come from a good place

Hi, all the best and I understand your reasoning.

I just wanted to say re the sex acts while ‘asleep drunk’. My ex did this once and I know how horrible this is.

Perhaps you can have an agreement that when he has been drinking he sleeps in another bed or on the sofa.