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Original poster

Feeling rocked by something that happened this weekend.

274 replies

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:15

I have been with my partner for 8 months. Things have been going well and there is so much chemistry. We have occasional arguments, and we are very different people, so took us some time to settle into a happy medium.

At the weekend we went to his work Christmas party. I didn’t know anyone and I suffer from anxiety so I got very drunk in order to cope better.

I made a friend (his workmates wife), at one point in the night we went into the toilet together. She had drugs and I stupidly took them. I’ve never taken anything in my life and feel disgusted with myself.

As soon as I came back to the dance floor, he then asked me if I had taken drugs. He clearly knew that they were into that. Part of me wishes he told me this before so that I could have avoided the situation better. He knows that I have a very important career and that this would have made me feel full of regret, but didn’t say anything. I know though that this is my responsibility. He then went to take some.

Towards the end of the night, it was his mates that were looking after me and carrying me up to the hotel room. His mates holding my hair as I was being sick. He just sat there and watched.

I understand that this is ultimately my problem and I feel deep with regret today. Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better. And this is making me question a lot. But we woke up this morning, he made me a tea as usual and de iced my car like nothing has happened. But this seems like a really big, disgusting thing to me.

He has asked me to move in with him in the Spring when his flat mate moves out. I want to be sure that he is asking me to move in for genuine reasons, not just a means to pay the bills in the cost of living crisis.

Any perspectives would be really helpful. Thanks.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 12/12/2022 11:38

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 11:23

I have apologised to him and am awaiting a response

You don't need to apologise, he took drugs too! the only difference is that you got sick and he didn't. Drugs and alcohol affect us in different ways. When you're not in a good place mentally (and sounds like you're not) is best to avoid drugs and alcohol because they will take you to a bad place. I believe that's what happened so apologise for nothing. just own the fact you messed up and don't do it again. Make sure this man is NOT doing drugs (even recreationally) because if your mental health is suffering the last thing you want is a partner doing drugs, you will be signing up for a lot of problems, specially if you're a teacher.

Are you sure you're ready for a relationship??? maybe you want to work on yourself a bit and heal from the divorce before moving in with a man whose social circle involves recreational drugs.

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 11:40

Mummymeister "You want this to work because you cant see yourself not in a relationship. thats a very dangerous place to be OP it really is"

sounds like this to me.

If I needed to get drunk to attend something, I'd just refuse. I have depression and anxiety and have simply refused to attend certain family things. Work things, I take something, but that's a conscious choice and one I make and take full responsibility for.

I hate all this "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing". We are adults, we decide when to drink and/or take drugs.

dollytot · 12/12/2022 11:40

Part of me wishes he told me this before so that I could have avoided the situation better.

How old are you OP?

Hellopello · 12/12/2022 11:41

I don’t think he sounds trustworthy, watching you go with his friends wife knowing they took drugs and not warning you then surprise surprise he’s taking them himself. The fact that he did not look after you is off. Why do you want to continue a relationship with him when he is lacking enough care factor to support you when you are unwell. That shows him up to be an arsehole .

So, You made a mistake and messed up, yes it’s embarrassing, yes it’s not ideal, and yes you do need to take responsibility for your bad decisions and the impact it has had on others, but no you don’t need to beat yourself up, or apologise to him. He was very selfish on the night which also impacted others- his own workmates
Dont move in with him. There’s better fish in the sea.

Sirius3030 · 12/12/2022 11:42

'Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better'.

Sort of wondering what he thinks about you...

Worriedmama23 · 12/12/2022 11:43

The whole post you have blamed every single person but yourself. He’s probably got the ick over you! You more then likely embarrassed him, poor bloke. Grow up

Proudofitbabe · 12/12/2022 11:44

The whole thing is so odd to me. I do see what you mean about the looking after you, and I'd be massively put off he took drugs.

But then - I wouldn't get hammered and take drugs with a relative stranger. The fact you did surely suggests you're more on his level than you think in terms of what's acceptable/normal - or certainly HE must think you are.

No point playing the blame game at this point. The night got out of hand. I think the wider question is whether a guy who takes drugs is for you, and if not will he give them up?

JoyeuxNarwhal · 12/12/2022 11:44

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 11:25

Just to clarify- he also took them.

Do you think that justifies your own behaviour?!
You behaved appallingly but it's his fault for not telling you his friends take drugs? Really?

Fillybuster · 12/12/2022 11:44

@baileys6904 slightly off topic, but I want to know more about the rowing boat song, and the special dance that went with it….please tell!!

Sandra1984 · 12/12/2022 11:45

Worriedmama23 · 12/12/2022 11:43

The whole post you have blamed every single person but yourself. He’s probably got the ick over you! You more then likely embarrassed him, poor bloke. Grow up

eeewwww.....😮

how does it feel to be so perfect?

KettrickenSmiled · 12/12/2022 11:45

I know my life is going off the rails. I know that he is a good man and I can make this work if I shake myself up. I want this to work.

Oh FFS OP.

You do NOT know that he is a good man.
What you do know is that he's a man you got involved with straight out of your previous traumatically ending partnership, & that you have posted several threads about the problems he gives you, in the 8 short months you have been dating him.

And even if he IS a good man - why does he need a g/f whose life is going off the rails, & who blames him for not "looking after me" when she chooses to get hammered?

Why are you so desperate to be with this man that you talk about "making it work", twice, in the same breath? If it worked - it would be working. When a relationship is right for you, it doesn't feel like 'work'.

Your b/f is domineering & dismissive, & you feel he calls all the shots.
Are you sure you are not using him as an escape hatch from your domineering & dismissive mother's house?

Togoodtobeforgotten · 12/12/2022 11:47

You made a complete and utter fool out of him and yourself.

PortableVirgins · 12/12/2022 11:47

2ManyPjs · 12/12/2022 11:34

This. The holier than thou attitude from a lot of PP's is ridiculous or maybe they have lived very sheltered lives. She took some recreational drugs on a night out, she's hardly jacking-up heroin! Unfortunately it was at her partner's works do and granted it's not ideal, but it's hardly the crime of the century. There's also clearly a lot of remorse from her, so not sure where this "passive" argument is coming from. Although I agree that you should not have expected him deal with the fall-out while others were helping you.

Apologise to him for being a complete twat (repeatedly apologise if you have to) and move on. And lay off the coke (or whatever it was)!

Show quote history

The passivity comments are because the OP sounds like a passenger in her own life. Yes, she says she's disgusted with herself, but she also says she wishes her boyfriend had warned her in advance that drugs would be about at his work party because of her 'important career' so that she could have 'resisted' better, that she took drugs purely because her brand new 'friend' offered them to her in the loo, and seems to be drifting into living with someone she had no idea took drugs (which she clearly thinks of as a big deal) even though she thinks he may be just asking her to move into with him to split the bills after his flatmate leaves? She barely knows this person, and had only come out of a longterm relationship before getting into this one, which even she admits has not been ideal. She's still more struck by the fact that he didn't 'look after her better' than by her own actions.

The drugs are only a minor thing for me in all this. The OP needs to take control of her own life and her own decisions.

Hellopello · 12/12/2022 11:47

Who cares what he thinks about you. the biggest mistake you could be making is staying in a relationship with him. You are not happy with the situation and he’s a selfish jerk

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 11:48

KettrickenSmiled · 12/12/2022 11:45

I know my life is going off the rails. I know that he is a good man and I can make this work if I shake myself up. I want this to work.

Oh FFS OP.

You do NOT know that he is a good man.
What you do know is that he's a man you got involved with straight out of your previous traumatically ending partnership, & that you have posted several threads about the problems he gives you, in the 8 short months you have been dating him.

And even if he IS a good man - why does he need a g/f whose life is going off the rails, & who blames him for not "looking after me" when she chooses to get hammered?

Why are you so desperate to be with this man that you talk about "making it work", twice, in the same breath? If it worked - it would be working. When a relationship is right for you, it doesn't feel like 'work'.

Your b/f is domineering & dismissive, & you feel he calls all the shots.
Are you sure you are not using him as an escape hatch from your domineering & dismissive mother's house?

Oh
I did not know this background.

Tabitha888 · 12/12/2022 11:50

You probably gave him the Ick with your actions. Just own it, it's happened what more can you do

midsomermurderess · 12/12/2022 11:51

You can’t hand over responsibility for your choices to someone else and then blame and despise them for your choices. Holy moly!

girlmom21 · 12/12/2022 11:52

Tabitha888 · 12/12/2022 11:50

You probably gave him the Ick with your actions. Just own it, it's happened what more can you do

She's owning it. Read her updates.

LindaEllen · 12/12/2022 11:58

You are an adult in control of your own hands and mouth. You chose to put the alcohol and drugs in your hands, then in your mouth. Nobody else's fault, and you need to work on why this happened.

Sirius3030 · 12/12/2022 12:02

chevvyroo · 12/12/2022 10:43

Hang on, he took drugs, not OP!

probably best to read the post.

BadNomad · 12/12/2022 12:06

This relationship doesn't have to work. It's fine to have fun, then walk away when it stops being fun. There is no obligation "make it work". Not every relationship has to have a future. This one is your first after an 8-year relationship. It was always very unlikely to last. Just spent some time figuring out who you are and stop looking for a replacement man in your life.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 12/12/2022 12:12

Having delved into your previous threads, this isn't a good relationship.
He may not be a good man, but you sound like hard work either way.
You need to be single for a while and focus on your own problems.

Original poster
DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 12:13

You’re all right. I do need to focus on myself and from today I am going to - this has given me a big wake up call.

I do feel that him and I have great potential, and he has been amazing in supporting me through my difficult times over the past few months. But my depression is getting the better of me and I am slowly spiralling.

I am planning to move on from this, focus on myself and if he is still here throughout that then that’s great.

I saw a therapist but felt that she re-hashed everything over and over and over and that it was actually making me feel worse.

I have texted him to apologise and he told me not to be so silly and that it is fine. Apparently others in the group were worse off. Still no excuse though. I will still go out with these people again but will not be drinking much or taking drugs. Will also not tolerate him taking them.

OP posts:
Tidsleytiddy · 12/12/2022 12:14

My first thought on reading this post is that the bf is a regular drug taker. He seemed unfazed by the state OP got herself into. He knew others at the party took drugs. He’s calmly carried on as if her behaving how she did was just “par for the course” after alcohol and drugs. He’s made her tea and done other jobs. If he wasn’t a regular user himself I think he’d be horrified and react quite differently.

PraiseTheSunshine · 12/12/2022 12:18

TheEvening · 12/12/2022 08:22

You went to his work Christmas party, got completely off your face, were being sick and had to have his poor colleagues look after you, utterly embarrassed yourself and presumably him... And you're annoyed at him? Catch yourself on!

If I were in his shoes I'd be massively pissed off at you not making you cups of tea. How is he so relaxed about it?

Yes it's not great he didn't look after you when you were ill, but you got into a complete state at his work Christmas party!

Please tell me you've at least got some thank you presents or something for his mates?

I agree with this completely. If anyone should be feeling annoyed it should be him. We all make mistakes so don't beat yourself up too much about it but getting annoyed with him is really unfair.

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