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Original poster

Feeling rocked by something that happened this weekend.

274 replies

DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 08:15

I have been with my partner for 8 months. Things have been going well and there is so much chemistry. We have occasional arguments, and we are very different people, so took us some time to settle into a happy medium.

At the weekend we went to his work Christmas party. I didn’t know anyone and I suffer from anxiety so I got very drunk in order to cope better.

I made a friend (his workmates wife), at one point in the night we went into the toilet together. She had drugs and I stupidly took them. I’ve never taken anything in my life and feel disgusted with myself.

As soon as I came back to the dance floor, he then asked me if I had taken drugs. He clearly knew that they were into that. Part of me wishes he told me this before so that I could have avoided the situation better. He knows that I have a very important career and that this would have made me feel full of regret, but didn’t say anything. I know though that this is my responsibility. He then went to take some.

Towards the end of the night, it was his mates that were looking after me and carrying me up to the hotel room. His mates holding my hair as I was being sick. He just sat there and watched.

I understand that this is ultimately my problem and I feel deep with regret today. Part of me has the ick over him not looking after me better. And this is making me question a lot. But we woke up this morning, he made me a tea as usual and de iced my car like nothing has happened. But this seems like a really big, disgusting thing to me.

He has asked me to move in with him in the Spring when his flat mate moves out. I want to be sure that he is asking me to move in for genuine reasons, not just a means to pay the bills in the cost of living crisis.

Any perspectives would be really helpful. Thanks.

OP posts:
Legallypinkish · 12/12/2022 11:01

Look, you’re getting g a lot of stick but we’ve all done stupid stuff. Best thing to do imo is sit down, have an honest talk with him about how you feel, maybe apologise for getting so drunk, then put it behind you and move on. The spring is a long way off so you don’t need to make decisions now. Honestly there is no point wallowing in it. You did it, it’s done. Move on and take your relationship each day as it comes.

thisusernameisnotavailablepleasetryanother · 12/12/2022 11:02

You probably gave him the "ICK" by getting so drunk and getting off your tits on drugs and his work friends saw it all!
Seriously get a grip

Sandra1984 · 12/12/2022 11:04

I believe you guys need to have a real conversation that hasn't been had. What you just wrote on this thread : the social anxiety around his friends, trying to fit in, the regret etc... you need to spill all the beans to him You also need to tell him what's your stance on drugs. seems like you don't do well with drugs and maybe he took them because you took them so he felt pressured? You also need to talk about why he wants you to move in with him, does he want a future with you? is he trying to save bills? Doesn't sound like there's a good communication amongst the two.

To the people judging her for messing up that night: yes she made a mistake, she realises it. Have you ever not made one?

FloydPepper · 12/12/2022 11:11

Sandra1984 · 12/12/2022 11:04

I believe you guys need to have a real conversation that hasn't been had. What you just wrote on this thread : the social anxiety around his friends, trying to fit in, the regret etc... you need to spill all the beans to him You also need to tell him what's your stance on drugs. seems like you don't do well with drugs and maybe he took them because you took them so he felt pressured? You also need to talk about why he wants you to move in with him, does he want a future with you? is he trying to save bills? Doesn't sound like there's a good communication amongst the two.

To the people judging her for messing up that night: yes she made a mistake, she realises it. Have you ever not made one?

Of course many people make mistakes. What we don’t do is decide they are someone else’s fault.

those calling the op a victim are being ridiculous, finding any reason to blame the man (there’s always a few)

magicscares · 12/12/2022 11:11

You are cross with your DP because you chose to do drugs? If so, YABU.

also I don’t get the last bit about moving in to pay the bills… if this is on your mind then probs best to call it a day with him.

you don’t sound happy in the relationship.

KettrickenSmiled · 12/12/2022 11:13

Rookriver · 12/12/2022 10:46

Therapy would be a good idea.

Definitely. OP - you broke up with your previous partner of 8 years in March THIS YEAR. And have been dating this guy for 8 months - so you had NO time or space for healing inbetween.

I've looked at a couple of your other threads.
You'd be better of being single & investing in therapy. You're stuck living with your mum currently, as your financially abusive ex is still holding out on the house you shared together & you are paying out thousands in lawyer fees.

Your mum is critical & unkind - eg enjoys body-shaming you, so it's not hard to guess where your lack of self-esteem & anxiety come from, historically.

Your current b/f, from descriptions in your other threads about him, comes across as bullying, dominant, dismissive of your time & value, &
"I just kind of feel like everything is on his terms".

You have jumped from the frying pan into the fire.
This b/f may not be 'as bad' as your previous partner. That doesn't make him good for you.

Why not focus on what's important here - you - & stop looking to get the validation you need from men?
Instead of dating, look at your career, at saving what money you can, at getting your ex legally obliged to discharge his financial obligations to you re: YOUR half of the house ... so that you can gain some REAL freedom, & not the illusion this man gives you of "feeling free".
And find an expert therapist who has plenty of experience of anxiety, self-esteem issues, & how dysfunctional family background impacts our adult lives.

saleorbouy · 12/12/2022 11:15

You're an adult who willingly participated in drug taking. Suck up the consequences and own the after math, this is nothing to do with him only your own guilt and regret.

Pascor · 12/12/2022 11:17

MistyRock · 12/12/2022 09:31

Hmm. He took drugs too. His work colleagues took drugs too. I'm not sure he's the Prince everyone is making him out to be.

Show quote history

OP doesnt say that he took anything. She did, with his friends.

PortableVirgins · 12/12/2022 11:19

OP, you started this relationship far too soon after the end of your longterm relationship, you're already calling him a 'partner' despite the fact that much of the eight months seem to have involved arguments and lots of adjusting to one another because you're 'different', and now you are apparently preparing to move in with him although you're not convinced he isn't just asking you to move in to cover the bills when his current flatmate leaves? Leaving aside entirely the overdrinking and drug use, your passivity in all this is striking. I would call a halt to the moving in plans, have some therapy, think critically about the quality of the relationship and whether it's a good one for you. From what you've said, it doesn't necessarily sound like it.

FloydPepper · 12/12/2022 11:20

Pascor · 12/12/2022 11:17

OP doesnt say that he took anything. She did, with his friends.

Show quote history

And then he did
its in the op

noone is saying he’s amazing, just that the OPs actions and decisions are not his doing and not his fault. That’s basic adult responsibility surely?

PortableVirgins · 12/12/2022 11:20

Pascor · 12/12/2022 11:17

OP doesnt say that he took anything. She did, with his friends.

Show quote history

She says he 'then went to take some', after she'd emerged from the loo with her new 'friend', which I assume means he did actually take drugs, rather than intended to but didn't.

Crazycrazylady · 12/12/2022 11:20

I know who'd be doing the dumping and it wouldn't be you .
You turned up for hammered and off your face at his work event and your complaint on this is that he didn't hold your hair.
I'd have been totally embarrassed of you as well .

Original poster
DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 11:22

Thank you for your responses. I am irresponsible at the moment and my life has just taken a horrible turn this past year. I do need to stand up and stop this from happening. This weekend was a massive wake up call.

I would like to add that I am not a drinker (but tend to be an all or nothing person). I probably drink once every time there is a big event (once every few months).

the weekend just got out of hand. I have never taken any form of drug in my life and feel disgusting and disappointed.

My partner took drugs in the past occasionally but has never taken them whilst I’ve been with him.

I know my life is going off the rails. I know that he is a good man and I can make this work if I shake myself up. I want this to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 11:23

I have apologised to him and am awaiting a response

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 12/12/2022 11:24

You got yourself in a state and you're lucky ANYONE stayed around to carry you/hold your hair etc.

Grown adults don't need babying. I love my DP to bits but if he got himself in that state due to a night out he'd be sorting himself and I absolutely would not let him anywhere near me if I was throwing up!

This, for me, is in the same category as women who stop seeing men because they 'don't feel butterflies when they walk in the room' or some other bad-romcom fuelled nonsense. It's holding people to ridiculous standards.

You should be hoping that he hasn't 'got the ick' from you being messy drunk.

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 11:25

OP "I know that he is a good man and I can make this work if I shake myself up. I want this to work."

Sounds a bit full on. Why not be single and figure stuff out? Nothing about this sounds good or natural or happy, from your posts.

Original poster
DaisyDooxox · 12/12/2022 11:25

Just to clarify- he also took them.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 12/12/2022 11:28

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 11:25

OP "I know that he is a good man and I can make this work if I shake myself up. I want this to work."

Sounds a bit full on. Why not be single and figure stuff out? Nothing about this sounds good or natural or happy, from your posts.

And this is right
im not sure he’s a good bloke, he takes drugs.
youve made a bad decision and it looks like you’re reflecting on what’s going on at the moment, which is good

you don’t need a bloke, a good one, bad one, any one. Get happy and sorted with yourself.

VioletLemon · 12/12/2022 11:29

You made some mistakes. Make it up to him. If he's a good guy he'll be there for you. It's over so try to move on now. Get help for your anxiety, dealing with it like this isn't sustainable.

mummymeister · 12/12/2022 11:29

You want this to work because you cant see yourself not in a relationship. thats a very dangerous place to be OP it really is. You are a primary school teacher and when this gets out - because it will - there will be consequences. you are investing too much time and effort in your relationship and not enough time and effort in yourself. Why are you so desperate to be part of a couple? why isnt being the best version of yourself enough for you? Your life IS going off the rails so be an adult, and stop it now before you lose your job. He is not the man for you. he is just someone that fills the gap, that you are shoehorning into the right shape when you know he isnt. this is like watching a very very slow car crash.

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2022 11:33

What did you expect him to do differently? You’re a grown woman, you make your own choices - take responsibility

Letthesunshineonin · 12/12/2022 11:34

You need to dump him. The drugs(him and you) the moving in. All a disaster. Get rid and sort your own life out(without a man)

2ManyPjs · 12/12/2022 11:34

Legallypinkish · 12/12/2022 11:01

Look, you’re getting g a lot of stick but we’ve all done stupid stuff. Best thing to do imo is sit down, have an honest talk with him about how you feel, maybe apologise for getting so drunk, then put it behind you and move on. The spring is a long way off so you don’t need to make decisions now. Honestly there is no point wallowing in it. You did it, it’s done. Move on and take your relationship each day as it comes.

This. The holier than thou attitude from a lot of PP's is ridiculous or maybe they have lived very sheltered lives. She took some recreational drugs on a night out, she's hardly jacking-up heroin! Unfortunately it was at her partner's works do and granted it's not ideal, but it's hardly the crime of the century. There's also clearly a lot of remorse from her, so not sure where this "passive" argument is coming from. Although I agree that you should not have expected him deal with the fall-out while others were helping you.

Apologise to him for being a complete twat (repeatedly apologise if you have to) and move on. And lay off the coke (or whatever it was)!

SomeUnspokenThing · 12/12/2022 11:36

I'm worried for you, OP. As others have said, you sound vulnerable after the end of your long-term relationship. At 8 months in with this new man, you should still be in the blissful loved-up phase. Arguments and having to work hard to find a middle ground very clearly point to this not being a good fit for you. If you were my daughter I would be advising you to spend your energies on healing from your long-term relationship break-up, and sorting out your life and your self-esteem rather than pursuing things with this man. Wishing you all the best.

Bananalanacake · 12/12/2022 11:37

Do not move in with him. You need time to yourself.

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