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Original poster

Can't fucking believe this.

524 replies

CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 01:28

My daughter is 16. She's a slim, curvy, pretty girl. Not that it matters.

She has started occasionally giving my partner a quick hug now and again. He has never initiated before but does reciprocate.

Today, she was wearing her usual baggy tracky bottoms (that are too big for her so sit on her hips rather than her waist 🙄), bra and a cropped vest top She had her brand new supersoft fleecy dressing gown on over the top.

My partner and I went out this afternoon for a bit and she came over to give us both a hug. I called her ted and gave her a big squeeze referencing the fact she's like a teddy bear in it.

She went to hug him and he said "Come on then. You look curvy... cuddly" he definitely said curvy which was clearly in error and corrected it immediately to cuddly.

She did look cuddly. Like a teddy bear.

Cuddly is fine. Curvy is not.

I can't fucking believe it.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:49

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 08:45

The DD is being discussed @FlissyPaps - because the adult man isn’t the one giving people unsolicited hugs because he “feels affectionate”.

So why are you trying to justify the DD being “inappropriate” by comparing her to your DH just wearing his boxers around your parents?

You do realise the adult man has the responsibility to tell a child no, don’t you?

Honestly, such a weird take. Gross gross gross.

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:49

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:42

Then why are you blaming the 16 year old child rather than the grown adult man?

Your views are gross. Stop banging on about your son. Your son isn’t relevant.

Show quote history

I’m not blaming anyone. People shouldn’t hug people they’re not related to, at best, and they should be appropriately dressed for the circumstances. Their age and sex is irrelevant. It’s up to the parents to guide young people about societal norms.

Trottersltd · 12/12/2022 08:49

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 08:33

@FlissyPaps - I wouldn’t open the door to the postman/postwoman whilst wearing an open dressing gown with a crop top and low bottoms, or greet my DS’s or DD’s friends like that.

My DH wouldn’t come and hug my parents, or his own, whilst wearing just his boxer shorts.

My teenage DS wouldn’t hug my female friends to say goodbye (I don’t need to talk to him about it, there is just no way he would think to, he isn’t a little boy and teen behaviour naturally changes as they become aware of the opposite sex).

There is no “ misogyny” around this, it is about social norms and boundaries.

Also, Not touching people without consent is something OP’s DD needs to learn about.

Someone who reciprocates but never initiates, especially in a situation where it might be embarrassing to say “please don’t touch me”, is sending a message. It is never okay for someone to touch another to meet their need for “affection” if they are not very sure that the other person welcomes that touch!

I think I agree with this to an extent, but its obvious the girl thinks of OP's boyfriend as a Dad.

If any Dad said this to his daughter it would be a bit weird, not the hugging or dressing.

Men are dogs and the fact is, a girlfriends daughter isn't viewed the same as their little girl by most men. Its a dodgy situation that he probably fancies the DD and let the mask slip, the OP suspects this and is horrified.

My advice OP, would be to dump him, its obvious you wont get past this.

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 08:51

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 08:47

You think a 16 year old is a woman? Wierdo

Some posters are so rude.

Many men (apart from peados) become attracted to females as they get older.

So yes it’s entirely possible that in the years he’s known her he’s never been attracted to her as she was a child but now she’s getting curvier and becoming a woman then that could change.

Calling someone a weirdo for pointing that out when it is a common occurrence is just plain rude.

When it comes to women excusing an adult male for perving on a young girl, I will call then a wierdo, because that is what they are, so tough shit if you think I'm rude!

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:51

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 08:47

You think a 16 year old is a woman? Wierdo

Some posters are so rude.

Many men (apart from peados) become attracted to females as they get older.

So yes it’s entirely possible that in the years he’s known her he’s never been attracted to her as she was a child but now she’s getting curvier and becoming a woman then that could change.

Calling someone a weirdo for pointing that out when it is a common occurrence is just plain rude.

Ew.

You’re really trying to justify a grown adult man being attracted to a 16 year old girl?

This thread is full of absolute wrong’ens.

deedeeweewee · 12/12/2022 08:52

Yup!

Aikko · 12/12/2022 08:52

Men are dogs and the fact is, a girlfriends daughter isn't viewed the same as their little girl by most men. Its a dodgy situation that he probably fancies the DD and let the mask slip, the OP suspects this and is horrified.

My advice OP, would be to dump him, its obvious you wont get past this.

This. The hugs have blurred the boundaries, and over time he's probably now having inappropriate thoughts about the DD.

GrasstrackGirl · 12/12/2022 08:54

I'd ditch him now before he sexually assaults your daughter.

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 08:54

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:49

I’m not blaming anyone. People shouldn’t hug people they’re not related to, at best, and they should be appropriately dressed for the circumstances. Their age and sex is irrelevant. It’s up to the parents to guide young people about societal norms.

Show quote history

So hugging is licence for someone to perv, ffs it gets worse. Plus this is not the first time she'd hugged him, she maybe felt naively felt safe whilst he was having inappropriate thought about her

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:54

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:49

I’m not blaming anyone. People shouldn’t hug people they’re not related to, at best, and they should be appropriately dressed for the circumstances. Their age and sex is irrelevant. It’s up to the parents to guide young people about societal norms.

Show quote history

You are victim blaming. You have said countless times that OPs daughter is inappropriately dressed for wearing a dressing gown in her own home.

The age and sex is very relevant. It’s absolutely shocking how many grown adults (who are unfortunately parents) can’t comprehend this.

Vile and disturbing.

deedeeweewee · 12/12/2022 08:56

Your gut it telling you he’s off x

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 08:57

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 08:47

You think a 16 year old is a woman? Wierdo

Some posters are so rude.

Many men (apart from peados) become attracted to females as they get older.

So yes it’s entirely possible that in the years he’s known her he’s never been attracted to her as she was a child but now she’s getting curvier and becoming a woman then that could change.

Calling someone a weirdo for pointing that out when it is a common occurrence is just plain rude.

You really need help, hope you don't have contact with anyone under 18

Moonatics · 12/12/2022 08:58

CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 01:38

No. There is nothing else that concerns me but it felt very inappropriate.

If he'd called her by my name or his daughters name or anything like that, it would have been fine. But curvy is just so odd and specific. What was in his head to make that particular slip of the tongue?

Show quote history

If it felt inappropriate then it was. Trust your instincts. FWIW I would finish a relationship for this, not that you need a reason. You can end a relationship for any reason or none.

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:58

@CarefreeMe has got to be a troll. A greasy old man living in their mothers basement. Surely they can’t be real.

monsteramunch · 12/12/2022 08:59

@CarefreeMe

Sorry if I've missed it and you've already said but are you a man or a woman?

lahadley · 12/12/2022 08:59

thewayround · 12/12/2022 07:31

I’m thinking back to me at 16
Hugging my mum’s boyfriend of 2 years
Hugging him with my dressing gown on
Hugging him with my dressing gown open

Very odd

and his comment was nauseating

the entire set up just sounds gross

Different families have different comfort levels, I guess. In most families, what you describe would probably stretch the comfort zone. Not that it's wrong or inferior, but it seems to be at the far end of the tolerance spectrum.

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 09:00

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:58

@CarefreeMe has got to be a troll. A greasy old man living in their mothers basement. Surely they can’t be real.

They are gross, giving out such horrendous vibes.

Reindeersnooker · 12/12/2022 09:02

I don't think I'd have the mother world and relationship world colliding again, at best.

In an ideal world it would be nice to wear what you like and hug who you like but realistically this is a man you've brought into the home and your daughter likes to dress the way she does. Something about this situation needs more boundaries. Her hugging someone who isn't her dad while dressed like that just isn't a good idea. The relationship between the two of you doesn't make it ok. If you're going to have men in the home, something about this picture has to change.

On the face of it, I'd end it to be on the safe side or possibly see him outside the home only. However it's possible he was truly speaking in error. If you hadn't said that he's been returning her hugs more enthusiastically lately I'd wonder if he was actually uncomfortable with the dynamic but couldn't say no. While it's best to err on the side of caution, it would also be worth having a frank chat to see what he says. But don't get your hopes up.

deedeeweewee · 12/12/2022 09:02

Your father in law didn’t give off bad vibes and you’re a grown woman

This is a young girl who feels amazing wearing what all of them wear indoors - he’s not a good person

deedeeweewee · 12/12/2022 09:04

I’m sorry ❤️ you’re helping other people by speaking about it

it’s always sly and can be ‘misinterpreted’ if you spoke up x

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 09:04

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:54

You are victim blaming. You have said countless times that OPs daughter is inappropriately dressed for wearing a dressing gown in her own home.

The age and sex is very relevant. It’s absolutely shocking how many grown adults (who are unfortunately parents) can’t comprehend this.

Vile and disturbing.

Show quote history

You are being ridiculous. In what way is the girl here a victim? Is there any victim at all?

However, wearing a dressing gown and hugging people as a teen or adult, even in your own home, is inappropriate. Allowing your DC, of either sex, to wear dressing gowns and hug people is poor parenting.

The OP’s boyfriend shouldn’t have said what he did, though.

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 09:10

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 09:04

You are being ridiculous. In what way is the girl here a victim? Is there any victim at all?

However, wearing a dressing gown and hugging people as a teen or adult, even in your own home, is inappropriate. Allowing your DC, of either sex, to wear dressing gowns and hug people is poor parenting.

The OP’s boyfriend shouldn’t have said what he did, though.

Show quote history

I shouldn’t have to explain victim blaming to you.

I really shouldn’t.

We’ll agree to disagree.

You think a child wearing a dressing gown in their own home is inappropriate. I think it’s perfectly normal and she shouldn’t be subject to degrading comments.

Lenor · 12/12/2022 09:10

Hmm, I have mixed feelings on this one. Of course it’s not nice to think that your partner was (probably, not definitely) noticing that your daughter is starting to look more like a woman… but that is going to happen. Men aren’t meant to just be completely oblivious to women around them. Of course he’s going to notice.

besides that though, how many times have you blurted out the wrong word, even if it had nothing to do with your train of thought at the time? I know I certainly have!

Penaltyshootoutfan · 12/12/2022 09:15

Wtf with these responses blaming the daughter . From her clothing to her hugging. The daughter isn’t the issue. The boyfriend is.

op he was eyeing her up. She’s 16. And she’s your daughter . It’s sick.

HereComeTheGrannies · 12/12/2022 09:15

wearing a dressing gown and hugging people as a teen or adult, even in your own home, is inappropriate. Allowing your DC, of either sex, to wear dressing gowns and hug people is poor parenting.
What am I reading? Congratulations, you’ve hit peak repression and on MN that’s quite a feat.

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