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Original poster

Can't fucking believe this.

524 replies

CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 01:28

My daughter is 16. She's a slim, curvy, pretty girl. Not that it matters.

She has started occasionally giving my partner a quick hug now and again. He has never initiated before but does reciprocate.

Today, she was wearing her usual baggy tracky bottoms (that are too big for her so sit on her hips rather than her waist 🙄), bra and a cropped vest top She had her brand new supersoft fleecy dressing gown on over the top.

My partner and I went out this afternoon for a bit and she came over to give us both a hug. I called her ted and gave her a big squeeze referencing the fact she's like a teddy bear in it.

She went to hug him and he said "Come on then. You look curvy... cuddly" he definitely said curvy which was clearly in error and corrected it immediately to cuddly.

She did look cuddly. Like a teddy bear.

Cuddly is fine. Curvy is not.

I can't fucking believe it.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 12/12/2022 08:24

Was your DD upset by his comment ?

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:25

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:15

I’m not victim blaming! There is no victim here. I have teen girls myself, and no way would they even want appear in a dressing gown with unrelated family around, and they definitely wouldn’t hug anyone, dressed or not -because they wouldn’t feel comfortable and they know their own minds.

Show quote history

Every post just gets worse.

So disturbing and sad how a teenage girl is deemed inappropriate for wearing a dressing gown in her own home.

If she can’t wear a dressing gown at home then where can she?

The internalised misogyny is absolute appalling.

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 08:29

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/12/2022 07:05

Does the fact that he’s noticed she’s a woman mean he will actually act on it ?

this is your life and your family

but think hard if this is a one off mistake
or something more sinister

You think a 16 year old is a woman? Wierdo

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No, I’m not. My teen son wouldn’t appear half dressed in a dressing gown and hug people either. Nor would I do it, nor would my DH. Because to do so is not normal, appropriate behaviour in this setting.

Scepticalwotsits · 12/12/2022 08:29

For me there are two issues here

1 his comment - it’s icky but could be a slip of the tongue, but it’s bothered you enough. I’m guessing on evaluating there may be a few other little things which on their own maybe didn’t trip your warning but with this in hindsight might. Follow your instincts.

2 bounties your daughter has - she is instigating the hugs and she needs to learn that certain boundaries exist even more so if she is an affectionate person so in the future she isn’t taken advantage of. I would ask her why she felt it appropriate in that attire with dressing gown open.

that's not to say she shouldn’t be able to wear that, her house can wear what she wants, and while we should not be blaming women for others action in this case she is 16, she knows what she is doing , but possible doesn’t understand the ramifications of it.

MrNook · 12/12/2022 08:31

Nope nope nope would absolutely not like this at all

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 08:32

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 07:45

His comment wouldn’t bother me. She is curvy, you said so. He is going to notice her figure, of course he is. It’s just a slip of the tongue. It doesn’t mean he’s a pervert, so I think you are overreacting. However, I do think a teen girl wandering around in bra and crop top, with open dressing gown over it, is slightly odd. And I think the hugging is very odd - that raises some concerns to me.

You think it's OK for an older male to look at your 16 year old as a sexual being and then even worse blame her for it?

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 08:33

@FlissyPaps - I wouldn’t open the door to the postman/postwoman whilst wearing an open dressing gown with a crop top and low bottoms, or greet my DS’s or DD’s friends like that.

My DH wouldn’t come and hug my parents, or his own, whilst wearing just his boxer shorts.

My teenage DS wouldn’t hug my female friends to say goodbye (I don’t need to talk to him about it, there is just no way he would think to, he isn’t a little boy and teen behaviour naturally changes as they become aware of the opposite sex).

There is no “ misogyny” around this, it is about social norms and boundaries.

Also, Not touching people without consent is something OP’s DD needs to learn about.

Someone who reciprocates but never initiates, especially in a situation where it might be embarrassing to say “please don’t touch me”, is sending a message. It is never okay for someone to touch another to meet their need for “affection” if they are not very sure that the other person welcomes that touch!

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:35

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:25

Every post just gets worse.

So disturbing and sad how a teenage girl is deemed inappropriate for wearing a dressing gown in her own home.

If she can’t wear a dressing gown at home then where can she?

The internalised misogyny is absolute appalling.

Show quote history

There is no misogyny. My son would be treated the same. No one, adult, teen of either sex, would be downstairs in a dressing gown and start hugging people who aren’t family -and even then, they still wouldn’t.

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 08:35

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:15

I’m not victim blaming! There is no victim here. I have teen girls myself, and no way would they even want appear in a dressing gown with unrelated family around, and they definitely wouldn’t hug anyone, dressed or not -because they wouldn’t feel comfortable and they know their own minds.

Show quote history

You have victim blamed, rather than blame the lecherous bloke for perving on her attire, you're blamed a young girls attire. You need to sort your head out, I feel sorry for your daughters

JustLyra · 12/12/2022 08:36

My DH wouldn’t come and hug my parents, or his own, whilst wearing just his boxer shorts.

A female dressed in joggers and a cropped top is in no way comparable to a man in boxer shorts.

FallingsHowIFeel · 12/12/2022 08:36

Have we been invaded by pervy men? Because if these posts are from people that call themselves good women and men, good parents, this is frightening.

For those hard of thinking, IT IS NEVER A FEMALES FAULT, THAT A MAN IS PERVY, REGARDLESS OF WHAT SHE IS WEARING.

gonkk · 12/12/2022 08:37

I think you're overreacting.

From another perspective, I went to PILs on the weekend. DHs Dad (whom I haven't always been close with, things are better now just for context) gave me a hug and said 'you look slim, you look really nice'. A mere observation.

Your partner has made an observation and then immediately corrected it. Do you honestly think your partner is ballsy enough and inappropriate enough to make that observation into a sexual comment? That's what you've got to decide.

And I don't think hugs are inappropriate. She is obviously willing to hug him back! If there was anything sinister to it, they'd be hugging in secret.
Explain to him how you feel and why. But he's probably going to feel very awkward now around your DD. She's 16, she's old enough to voice her own concerns and if she feels it was inappropriate that's a different story. But I don't think you should make that decision for her.

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:40

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 08:33

@FlissyPaps - I wouldn’t open the door to the postman/postwoman whilst wearing an open dressing gown with a crop top and low bottoms, or greet my DS’s or DD’s friends like that.

My DH wouldn’t come and hug my parents, or his own, whilst wearing just his boxer shorts.

My teenage DS wouldn’t hug my female friends to say goodbye (I don’t need to talk to him about it, there is just no way he would think to, he isn’t a little boy and teen behaviour naturally changes as they become aware of the opposite sex).

There is no “ misogyny” around this, it is about social norms and boundaries.

Also, Not touching people without consent is something OP’s DD needs to learn about.

Someone who reciprocates but never initiates, especially in a situation where it might be embarrassing to say “please don’t touch me”, is sending a message. It is never okay for someone to touch another to meet their need for “affection” if they are not very sure that the other person welcomes that touch!

Not sure why you’re mentioning your DH in just boxer shorts … completely irrelevant to the discussion.

Nobody cares what your DH won’t do or what your teens won’t do.

The discussion is a 16 year old girl wearing a completely normal outfit in her own home and being the subject to an inappropriate and pervy
comment by a grown adult man who hasn’t got the balls to tell a child “we shouldn’t be hugging”.

It’s disgusting and misogynistic to deem a 16 year old girl inappropriate for wearing a crop top and dressing gown in her own home. Totally disgusting.

Some really questionable “parents” on this thread. Very fucking questionable.

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 08:40

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:25

Every post just gets worse.

So disturbing and sad how a teenage girl is deemed inappropriate for wearing a dressing gown in her own home.

If she can’t wear a dressing gown at home then where can she?

The internalised misogyny is absolute appalling.

Show quote history

I totally agree. A mother blaming a young girl and excusing a pervert.

Aikko · 12/12/2022 08:40

StopStartStop · 12/12/2022 08:03

The man you brought into your family fancies your daughter. No surprise there. She's started hugging him - inappropriate. You know the solution - dump him. Do it. And don't bring men home until your children have moved out.

This.
I can't think of any other reason why he would say what he said. He's noticed her attractiveness and likes what he sees. His verbal slip confirms what his brain is thinking.

I'm pretty sure most men would be conflicted by the attention of young women/girls who are unrelated to them.

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:42

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:35

There is no misogyny. My son would be treated the same. No one, adult, teen of either sex, would be downstairs in a dressing gown and start hugging people who aren’t family -and even then, they still wouldn’t.

Show quote history

Then why are you blaming the 16 year old child rather than the grown adult man?

Your views are gross. Stop banging on about your son. Your son isn’t relevant.

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 08:42

gonkk · 12/12/2022 08:37

I think you're overreacting.

From another perspective, I went to PILs on the weekend. DHs Dad (whom I haven't always been close with, things are better now just for context) gave me a hug and said 'you look slim, you look really nice'. A mere observation.

Your partner has made an observation and then immediately corrected it. Do you honestly think your partner is ballsy enough and inappropriate enough to make that observation into a sexual comment? That's what you've got to decide.

And I don't think hugs are inappropriate. She is obviously willing to hug him back! If there was anything sinister to it, they'd be hugging in secret.
Explain to him how you feel and why. But he's probably going to feel very awkward now around your DD. She's 16, she's old enough to voice her own concerns and if she feels it was inappropriate that's a different story. But I don't think you should make that decision for her.

Yes but you are not a 16 year old girl. Do you think it's OK for an old man to observe her body?

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 08:43

@JustLyra - It is comparable in gif context of posters insisting that the OP’s DD should wear whatever the hell she wants whilst initiating hugs with an adult male who doesn’t have the option of getting away from her (without causing an uncomfortable scene).

That logic would mean that if she wearing just a bra and knickers then the logic would be the same… as in, she can wear whatever she wants an anyone who suggests it’s inappropriate is a misogynist victim blaming (despite the fact that she isn’t a victim of anything !)

Do you think the situation would be the same if she was wearing underwear? If not, why not?

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 08:45

The DD is being discussed @FlissyPaps - because the adult man isn’t the one giving people unsolicited hugs because he “feels affectionate”.

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 08:46

and if he was, his behaviour would be inappropriate

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 08:46

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 08:43

@JustLyra - It is comparable in gif context of posters insisting that the OP’s DD should wear whatever the hell she wants whilst initiating hugs with an adult male who doesn’t have the option of getting away from her (without causing an uncomfortable scene).

That logic would mean that if she wearing just a bra and knickers then the logic would be the same… as in, she can wear whatever she wants an anyone who suggests it’s inappropriate is a misogynist victim blaming (despite the fact that she isn’t a victim of anything !)

Do you think the situation would be the same if she was wearing underwear? If not, why not?

She is 16!!!!! What is inappropriate is an older male taking notice of her birthday naked or not! Or are men too simple to tell a girl to back off when feeling uncomfortable and inappropriate. He is an adult, she isn't!

Daffodilis · 12/12/2022 08:46

Body not birthday

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 08:47

You think a 16 year old is a woman? Wierdo

Some posters are so rude.

Many men (apart from peados) become attracted to females as they get older.

So yes it’s entirely possible that in the years he’s known her he’s never been attracted to her as she was a child but now she’s getting curvier and becoming a woman then that could change.

Calling someone a weirdo for pointing that out when it is a common occurrence is just plain rude.

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 08:49

Question for OP - If, the first time your DD had hugged your boyfriend, he has responded to her by saying “please don’t hug me, it’s not appropriate”, what would your reaction have been ?

Or if he just taken you to one side afterwards and told you that he didn’t find it appropriate and didn’t want her to hug him?