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Original poster

Can't fucking believe this.

524 replies

CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 01:28

My daughter is 16. She's a slim, curvy, pretty girl. Not that it matters.

She has started occasionally giving my partner a quick hug now and again. He has never initiated before but does reciprocate.

Today, she was wearing her usual baggy tracky bottoms (that are too big for her so sit on her hips rather than her waist 🙄), bra and a cropped vest top She had her brand new supersoft fleecy dressing gown on over the top.

My partner and I went out this afternoon for a bit and she came over to give us both a hug. I called her ted and gave her a big squeeze referencing the fact she's like a teddy bear in it.

She went to hug him and he said "Come on then. You look curvy... cuddly" he definitely said curvy which was clearly in error and corrected it immediately to cuddly.

She did look cuddly. Like a teddy bear.

Cuddly is fine. Curvy is not.

I can't fucking believe it.

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 12/12/2022 09:16

JaneJeffer · 12/12/2022 01:30

Me neither

😂

HotChoxs · 12/12/2022 09:18

OP just break up. And while your daughter is living at home, don't date, or don't bring the people you're dating home.

It's time for single mothers to accept there's a risk for this to come up with daughters. You can bring your daughter up perfectly fine without moving in..

It's time we stopped trusted men and stopped letting them in.

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 09:18

@MaryMollyPolly Just thought I’d add, I’m wearing a dressing gown right now. And just opened my front door to our post man who simply said good morning and handed over my post.

My poor parents though, they’ve clearly failed me they haven’t they. God, I must such a disappointment for wearing such inappropriate attire at 9am in my own home.

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 09:21

@FlissyPaps - Did you give him a little cuddle, to say goodbye? 😂

HotChoxs · 12/12/2022 09:21

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 08:33

@FlissyPaps - I wouldn’t open the door to the postman/postwoman whilst wearing an open dressing gown with a crop top and low bottoms, or greet my DS’s or DD’s friends like that.

My DH wouldn’t come and hug my parents, or his own, whilst wearing just his boxer shorts.

My teenage DS wouldn’t hug my female friends to say goodbye (I don’t need to talk to him about it, there is just no way he would think to, he isn’t a little boy and teen behaviour naturally changes as they become aware of the opposite sex).

There is no “ misogyny” around this, it is about social norms and boundaries.

Also, Not touching people without consent is something OP’s DD needs to learn about.

Someone who reciprocates but never initiates, especially in a situation where it might be embarrassing to say “please don’t touch me”, is sending a message. It is never okay for someone to touch another to meet their need for “affection” if they are not very sure that the other person welcomes that touch!

Agreed. People can't have it both ways. Say that men are all dogs, and then not behave as they are dogs.

AdamRyan · 12/12/2022 09:22

HotChoxs · 12/12/2022 09:18

OP just break up. And while your daughter is living at home, don't date, or don't bring the people you're dating home.

It's time for single mothers to accept there's a risk for this to come up with daughters. You can bring your daughter up perfectly fine without moving in..

It's time we stopped trusted men and stopped letting them in.

What???
How about "its time for men to act responsible around teenage girls. If they can't do that they don't deserve a relationship with you"

Honestly. OP has done nothing wrong having a boyfriend or introducing him to DD. This comment is also hugely victim blaming.

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 09:22

ScrappyCats · 12/12/2022 09:21

@FlissyPaps - Did you give him a little cuddle, to say goodbye? 😂

Oh you bet I did 😉

HotChoxs · 12/12/2022 09:22

AdamRyan · 12/12/2022 09:22

What???
How about "its time for men to act responsible around teenage girls. If they can't do that they don't deserve a relationship with you"

Honestly. OP has done nothing wrong having a boyfriend or introducing him to DD. This comment is also hugely victim blaming.

Show quote history

But people on this thread have said men are dogs. So why not treat them as such?

Solidarityisbetterthanchsrity · 12/12/2022 09:23

Wow unless there is some major backstory this seems crazy. It was an understandable slip of the tongue. It's impossible NOT to notice when an adolescent's body changes. We all notice it.

monsteramunch · 12/12/2022 09:28

@HotChoxs

But people on this thread have said men are dogs.

One person.

HotChoxs · 12/12/2022 09:30

monsteramunch · 12/12/2022 09:28

@HotChoxs

But people on this thread have said men are dogs.

One person.

But even the person responding agreed. "It's time for men to act responsibly around teenage girls"

Either they can or they can't.

safetyfreak · 12/12/2022 09:31

I have two daughters and I would discuss modesty with a non bio male in the house.

Hugging your mum boyfriend, in skimpy clothes with your robe OPEN is not appropriate. If I was OP, I would also confront the boyfriend over his comment.

lahadley · 12/12/2022 09:32

Correct. There's a whole half of this debate that's obsessed with throwing around blame for the crimes that only they are even imagining.

Check y'all past experiences maybe?
& Those maybe feeding into, the absolute hypocrisy of half-dressed girls being God's most innocent angels, and any male being presumed scum.

Also though, all of this is happening in a social context...of general degeneracy, for the most part. People have allowed a hyper-permissive society, & as a result are psychologically overwhelmed at times, as there's less control over everyone's basic desires. So then, the urge to moralise finds weird outlets like, "no unrelated man should be around my daughter," and "please throw away your 2-year relationship instead of dealing with a natural clash of intuitions between a couple of people."

To demand only 'paternal feelings' from a man is also creepy. We women have only just escaped the demand to fit the Mother archetype at all times...now this. It's very threatening to ppl but actually true, that familial love and care is not so far away from sexual attachment. Especially not in step-families.

This means safety is paramount, but it's got to be approached maturely, with tolerance and a cool head... Not with this kind of reactive, hysterical outrage.

Maximinimalist · 12/12/2022 09:35

lahadley · 12/12/2022 09:32

Correct. There's a whole half of this debate that's obsessed with throwing around blame for the crimes that only they are even imagining.

Check y'all past experiences maybe?
& Those maybe feeding into, the absolute hypocrisy of half-dressed girls being God's most innocent angels, and any male being presumed scum.

Also though, all of this is happening in a social context...of general degeneracy, for the most part. People have allowed a hyper-permissive society, & as a result are psychologically overwhelmed at times, as there's less control over everyone's basic desires. So then, the urge to moralise finds weird outlets like, "no unrelated man should be around my daughter," and "please throw away your 2-year relationship instead of dealing with a natural clash of intuitions between a couple of people."

To demand only 'paternal feelings' from a man is also creepy. We women have only just escaped the demand to fit the Mother archetype at all times...now this. It's very threatening to ppl but actually true, that familial love and care is not so far away from sexual attachment. Especially not in step-families.

This means safety is paramount, but it's got to be approached maturely, with tolerance and a cool head... Not with this kind of reactive, hysterical outrage.

I could not have said it better. Excellent.

Herejustforthisone · 12/12/2022 09:36

I absolutely despise the word ‘curvy’ to describe a female figure, especially a teenager. Makes my flesh creep. Ugh.

Listen to your gut. And imagine when he might think about your daughter, and what he might say about her to his mates.

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Herejustforthisone · 12/12/2022 09:39

lahadley · 12/12/2022 09:32

Correct. There's a whole half of this debate that's obsessed with throwing around blame for the crimes that only they are even imagining.

Check y'all past experiences maybe?
& Those maybe feeding into, the absolute hypocrisy of half-dressed girls being God's most innocent angels, and any male being presumed scum.

Also though, all of this is happening in a social context...of general degeneracy, for the most part. People have allowed a hyper-permissive society, & as a result are psychologically overwhelmed at times, as there's less control over everyone's basic desires. So then, the urge to moralise finds weird outlets like, "no unrelated man should be around my daughter," and "please throw away your 2-year relationship instead of dealing with a natural clash of intuitions between a couple of people."

To demand only 'paternal feelings' from a man is also creepy. We women have only just escaped the demand to fit the Mother archetype at all times...now this. It's very threatening to ppl but actually true, that familial love and care is not so far away from sexual attachment. Especially not in step-families.

This means safety is paramount, but it's got to be approached maturely, with tolerance and a cool head... Not with this kind of reactive, hysterical outrage.

This is verbose for verbosity’s sake. The onus of safety is always on the adult in the situation, always.

minipie · 12/12/2022 09:39

TBH I think it’s unrealistic to expect a man to virtually live with a pretty, slim/curvy 16 year old he’s not related to, who gives him hugs, and not notice her figure.

So he was thinking she looked curvy and it slipped out. Doesn’t mean his thoughts have gone further, doesn’t mean he’s going to do anything untoward.

If you’re not ok with your boyfriends having the odd thought like this then yes it probably is better that you stay single. Because it will happen. Not because “men are dogs” but because we are all programmed to notice attractive members of the opposite sex.

Personally I think this in itself is not a big deal. (Though I might suggest dd stops with the hugs). The question is do you trust that his thoughts and of course actions will go no further.

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 09:41

This reply has been deleted

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Littlepiggiesinblankets · 12/12/2022 09:41

JustLyra · 12/12/2022 07:25

Some of the replies on this one are unreal.

Women are encouraged to trust their instincts when it comes to men and to not ignore red flags when they see them.

unless the flag occurs around your 16yo DD - then she’s inappropriately dressed (in her own home) and you’re jealous…

Jesus Christ.

I wish there was a like/love button for comments. This ^

Moonatics · 12/12/2022 09:43

lahadley · 12/12/2022 09:32

Correct. There's a whole half of this debate that's obsessed with throwing around blame for the crimes that only they are even imagining.

Check y'all past experiences maybe?
& Those maybe feeding into, the absolute hypocrisy of half-dressed girls being God's most innocent angels, and any male being presumed scum.

Also though, all of this is happening in a social context...of general degeneracy, for the most part. People have allowed a hyper-permissive society, & as a result are psychologically overwhelmed at times, as there's less control over everyone's basic desires. So then, the urge to moralise finds weird outlets like, "no unrelated man should be around my daughter," and "please throw away your 2-year relationship instead of dealing with a natural clash of intuitions between a couple of people."

To demand only 'paternal feelings' from a man is also creepy. We women have only just escaped the demand to fit the Mother archetype at all times...now this. It's very threatening to ppl but actually true, that familial love and care is not so far away from sexual attachment. Especially not in step-families.

This means safety is paramount, but it's got to be approached maturely, with tolerance and a cool head... Not with this kind of reactive, hysterical outrage.

So victim blaming then, rightHmm

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No I’m not joking.

I have read your posts. Again.

And this part still sticks out to me as being creepy and weird as fuck.

”So yes it’s entirely possible that in the years he’s known her he’s never been attracted to her as she was a child but now she’s getting curvier and becoming a woman then that could change.”

So many levels of gross. It’s really hard not to believe your some pervy troll.

catandcoffee · 12/12/2022 09:46

God, yes all females must cover every part of their body, including ankles.

Because poor Men just can't control their sexual thoughts or urges....if they see the tiniest bit of female fucking flesh.

OP listen to your gut feeling.

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 09:48

@FlissyPaps

Are you stupid or just ignorant?

Are you telling me that there’s no way a man can be attracted to a 16 year old?

Why?
Because she’s 16?
Or because she’s his partners daughter?

I’d love to live in your fantasy world but unfortunately it happens all of the time.
Your obviously just too blind to see it love.

Cherryana · 12/12/2022 09:49

minipie · 12/12/2022 09:39

TBH I think it’s unrealistic to expect a man to virtually live with a pretty, slim/curvy 16 year old he’s not related to, who gives him hugs, and not notice her figure.

So he was thinking she looked curvy and it slipped out. Doesn’t mean his thoughts have gone further, doesn’t mean he’s going to do anything untoward.

If you’re not ok with your boyfriends having the odd thought like this then yes it probably is better that you stay single. Because it will happen. Not because “men are dogs” but because we are all programmed to notice attractive members of the opposite sex.

Personally I think this in itself is not a big deal. (Though I might suggest dd stops with the hugs). The question is do you trust that his thoughts and of course actions will go no further.

This ^

I actually think having a non-related male around a young woman is probably the most tricky time for dating.

It’s probably something we don’t talk about enough because there is overlap with female dress/testosterone/male female differences that we are supposed to have irradiated or it’s old fashioned or bigoted to say - that still exist and still cause issues.

In this case it’s always for you to protect your daughter. That can look different ways but could include not having him over to stay the night etc