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Original poster

Can't fucking believe this.

524 replies

CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 01:28

My daughter is 16. She's a slim, curvy, pretty girl. Not that it matters.

She has started occasionally giving my partner a quick hug now and again. He has never initiated before but does reciprocate.

Today, she was wearing her usual baggy tracky bottoms (that are too big for her so sit on her hips rather than her waist 🙄), bra and a cropped vest top She had her brand new supersoft fleecy dressing gown on over the top.

My partner and I went out this afternoon for a bit and she came over to give us both a hug. I called her ted and gave her a big squeeze referencing the fact she's like a teddy bear in it.

She went to hug him and he said "Come on then. You look curvy... cuddly" he definitely said curvy which was clearly in error and corrected it immediately to cuddly.

She did look cuddly. Like a teddy bear.

Cuddly is fine. Curvy is not.

I can't fucking believe it.

OP posts:
thewayround · 12/12/2022 08:06

Tirrrrred · 12/12/2022 08:04

I just couldn't bare it. They should be comfortable and safe at home.

Show quote history

Exactly. My children’s home is.. well, just that their “home”.

and I want my teen DD to be able to wander around wearing next to nothing without worrying about bumping in to a middle aged boyfriend of mine

FallingsHowIFeel · 12/12/2022 08:07

Minimalme · 12/12/2022 07:55

@FallingsHowIFeel you are overreacting to my post.

Dressing in 'not very much' is "impractical on some levels".

I have done lots of it through the years and have received some awful responses from men. It was (sadly) not within my gift to change all the sleazy men I met.

But I do wish I was more aware of men perving on me at the time so I could have protected myself. I was young and naive and just wearing the clothes which I felt good in.

Op's dd shouldn't be cuddling a man in this context.

Victim blaming. The problem is with the pervy men, not women and girls who wear the clothes they want to.

Original poster
CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 08:07

thewayround · 12/12/2022 08:03

Oh and I’m a single parent and we have hardly any family. So all this “she doesn’t have much family” doesn’t wash Op

How do you mean?

She has a brother who moved out last year and an uncle (+ aunt and niece) she sees a couple of times a year. She has a dad who she sees briefly every week.

No grandparents who were both only children so no extended family.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 12/12/2022 08:07

Spartak · 12/12/2022 01:43

So talk to him about it like an adult.

He immediately corrected his slip of the tongue and your daughter was unbothered.

No need to create a huge drama if you want out of the relationship, but maybe set some boundaries around your teenager daughter and hugging of your boyfriends in the future.

Show quote history

What? Why are you making this the daughters problem? She's 16, she doesn't need "boundaries", the adults do.
This attitude is why some men get away with being sex pests.

Original poster
CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 08:08

thewayround · 12/12/2022 08:04

Did you ever think he would say what he said???

Show quote history

No 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
thewayround · 12/12/2022 08:09

CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 08:07

How do you mean?

She has a brother who moved out last year and an uncle (+ aunt and niece) she sees a couple of times a year. She has a dad who she sees briefly every week.

No grandparents who were both only children so no extended family.

Show quote history

You seem to think that because she doesn’t have much family to hug, it’s ok for her to hug your boyfriends whilst wearing an open dressing gown.

It’s not

thewayround · 12/12/2022 08:09

CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 08:08

No 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

So you shouldn’t be so sure about saying “he would never” initiate a hug!!

converseandjeans · 12/12/2022 08:10

I find it strange that she has recently started hugging him. He shouldn't have says 'curvy' but maybe he isn't actually that comfortable with being hugged? Why does DD no longer go to her Dads? Do you think she fancies him (boyfriend)?

She should be able to wear what she likes in her own home. I think it's in fashion to wear joggers and crop top.

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:10

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 07:59

You’re more concerned over a TEENAGER wearing what she feels comfortable in IN HER OWN HOME than a GROWN ADULT MALE commenting on said teenagers figure?

What the hell is wrong with you?????

Show quote history

It is inappropriate for a teen girl to wander around half dressed and hugging unrelated adult men in her own home, yes. It’d be the same if it was a child or teen of either sex, or if the adult visitor was a woman. Teens need to be taught about boundaries and appropriate behaviour.

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:11

MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:10

It is inappropriate for a teen girl to wander around half dressed and hugging unrelated adult men in her own home, yes. It’d be the same if it was a child or teen of either sex, or if the adult visitor was a woman. Teens need to be taught about boundaries and appropriate behaviour.

Show quote history

Victim blaming is so gross.

This is next level disturbing.

JustGiveMeTwoMinutes · 12/12/2022 08:12

Would she hug her brother or her dad like that without closing her dressing gown first. Would you?

converseandjeans · 12/12/2022 08:12

What? Why are you making this the daughters problem? She's 16, she doesn't need "boundaries", the adults do.

I get the impression that he isn't the one instigating the hugs & physical contact. So not sure it's fair to refer to him as a sex pest.

DD is probably unaware that she's being inappropriate. But she needs to be told to stop.

It doesn't excuse his comment.

femfemlicious · 12/12/2022 08:12

This sounds like too much hard work. Break up with him and move on. Next time probably don't bring a boyfriend to always be in your home.

I'll probably be blasted for this but for me I would always make my daughter dress more covered up around any men in my home. Men are visual creatures. It's a cultural thing

Original poster
CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 08:13

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 12/12/2022 08:05

OP if you've commented more recently on your daughters appearance when in conversation with your BF and especially used the work 'curvy' as you did in your opening sentence then it was more likely a slip of the tongue as it was in his head, and he did correct himself immediately.
Unless there's more to it and there's anything else giving you doubt then I wouldn't go and end something good you have (if it is good). If it's worrying you, just bring it up and say "did you call her curvy?" You might find he says it was a mistake anyway, then you can keep an eye on things.

'Curvy' is a weird word to use if you're thinking it was in a sexual context. If I was out and a male referred to me as curvy I'd have thought he was insinuating I was a bit chubby in a polite way!?
If he'd have said come here then sexy give us a cuddle then THAT would have been inappropriate!

I think these days people are too over sensitive, I was on a works do recently. 2 of my male colleagues complimented me. One said "it's probably really inappropriate of me to say this but I think you look stunning this evening". Personally I don't think that's inappropriate at all it was an innocent compliment. The other said "bloody hell you scrub up well don't you" again, I don't think that's inappropriate, it was a compliment. And actually my response was "what you normally saying I look like a tramp at work" he laughed.. I could have gone off the rails, I could have reported it to HR. But absolutely NOT. They were just comments made which can have 2 completely different perceptions.

If I was in your situation, I would more so keep an eye on things and if anything else concerned me then I'd LTB, but in my eyes he actually hasn't done anything wrong OP.
But she's your girl, and you're being a protective mother as you should, so ultimately it's completely up to you what you want to do

No. I've never commented on it.

She's a size 4/6 (so not chubby) but definitely proportioned in a curvy way.

I underatnad what you are saying but the difference between what your colleagues said and this is that she is a child.

He is her mum's boyfriend and so feels safe to her.

OP posts:
DozyFox · 12/12/2022 08:13

JustLyra · 12/12/2022 07:25

Some of the replies on this one are unreal.

Women are encouraged to trust their instincts when it comes to men and to not ignore red flags when they see them.

unless the flag occurs around your 16yo DD - then she’s inappropriately dressed (in her own home) and you’re jealous…

Jesus Christ.

Totally agree

OP, for balance I will tell you that I often use the wrong word if it's spelt or sounds similar to the one I'm looking for, especially if I'm tired. Curvy and cuddling starting with the same two letters could well be enough for me to get them mixed up.

But I really think your gut feeling is important here.

The jealously comments from PP on this thread are so fucking weird.

Original poster
CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 08:14

thewayround · 12/12/2022 08:09

You seem to think that because she doesn’t have much family to hug, it’s ok for her to hug your boyfriends whilst wearing an open dressing gown.

It’s not

Show quote history

No, I just understand why she might want to.

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 12/12/2022 08:15

It sounds like he is spending a lot of time at yours, sleep overs, as if he's almost moved in.
You've only been together a couple of years. When did the sleep overs and him at yours so much start?
You mentioned your mum's boyfriends weren't nice men.
What does that mean?

I ask as your upbringing and what you may have witnessed might influence you today.

Personally, I'd either get rid of the bf or go back to seeing him at his or elsewhere.

No one intentionally dates a creep but it can be hard to know what 's what.

Original poster
CannotBelieveThisIsHappening · 12/12/2022 08:15

Anyway, thanks for the thoughts. I'm going to work now.

OP posts:
MaryMollyPolly · 12/12/2022 08:15

FlissyPaps · 12/12/2022 08:11

Victim blaming is so gross.

This is next level disturbing.

Show quote history

I’m not victim blaming! There is no victim here. I have teen girls myself, and no way would they even want appear in a dressing gown with unrelated family around, and they definitely wouldn’t hug anyone, dressed or not -because they wouldn’t feel comfortable and they know their own minds.

TheEvening · 12/12/2022 08:16

I don't know... It is hard for any of us to say without being in your shoes.

I am constantly saying the wrong word, having brain farts etc. I would also notice a 16 year olds figure (male or female) if it was right in front of me I guess?

The fact you don't like it and feel unhappy to the extent you do is really all you need to know. It's up to you but if you don't want to continue in a relationship with him, don't. It sounds like you'd struggle to come back from your feelings on this anyway.

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 08:18

In your first line you said she was slim, curvy and pretty - he’s not blind he’s also going to see the same as you.

Just because he notices she is pretty or curvy doesn’t mean there’s anything bad going through his head.
He made an observation like you did.

It also sounds like it was a slip of the tongue too.

Do I think you’re over reacting - yes absolutely!

Do I understand why you’d be over protective of your daughter - yes absolutely!

My DD is 15 and extremely beautiful and curvy and has been curvy since around 12.
I see the way men look at her and it makes my skin crawl.
I would be looking out for red flags from any man I date.

You are just looking out for your DD which is amazing.

It’s sad how many girls I know who’ve been disowned by their mums because their mum gets jealous that their bf fancies them.

I wouldn’t do anything to hasty and would carry on as normal.
But I would keep looking out for any other red flags just in case.

AiryFairyLights · 12/12/2022 08:19

GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/12/2022 02:03

Maybe also suggest to your daughter that she close up the robe so that her bra and hanging low pants aren't on exhibit? And before anyone starts screaming "Slut shaming" if her mother noticed how she was dressed in such detail then a normal man would too. She is 16 not 6. She is well aware of how people respond to clothing or lack thereof.
I raised two daughters and although it is out-of-date, I taught them the "M-word" -modesty.

This! I'd be having a chat with my daughter about what was and wasn't acceptable in front of my boyfriend!

Fuwari · 12/12/2022 08:20

I think you’re overreacting but if that’s how you feel, then end it. You don’t need any ones permission to do that.

Yes your daughter should be able to be comfortably dressed in her own home. But I like wearing pyjamas, I wear them all the time when I’m alone but if my adult daughter and her partner are coming here, I’d be appropriately dressed. Yes it’s my home but I’m not going to wear night wear around DD’s partner. So I do some what agree with others re the clothing.

AdamRyan · 12/12/2022 08:20

converseandjeans · 12/12/2022 08:12

What? Why are you making this the daughters problem? She's 16, she doesn't need "boundaries", the adults do.

I get the impression that he isn't the one instigating the hugs & physical contact. So not sure it's fair to refer to him as a sex pest.

DD is probably unaware that she's being inappropriate. But she needs to be told to stop.

It doesn't excuse his comment.

I'm not referring to him as a sex pest.
I'm saying that men who are sex pests are facilitated by attitudes suggesting that 16 year olds should be taught "boundaries" about how to dress in their own home, or visiting men might have inappropriate thoughts about them.
He's the adult, he doesn't need to be commenting on her appearance at all, especially not while hugging.

OP I have a daughter same age and if DP said something like that while hugging her I'd be very concerned as it does show what's in his head.

FallingsHowIFeel · 12/12/2022 08:20

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