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Original poster

Second date at his?!

174 replies

Whattodonext1233 · 09/12/2022 18:35

I’ve not been dating for long, recently came out of a 12 year relationship, but have met a lovely guy OLD, we went out for lunch last Sunday (I also drove to him but was happy to do that) and have been speaking and video calling ever since. He’s invited me to his house tomorrow night to go out for dinner and then watch a movie because it’s too cold to go out , Im really tempted but don’t want to be ditched straight away after, would going be a bad idea? Any advice would be much appreciated 🙏

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 17/12/2022 13:28

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/12/2022 13:10

I agree that such men exist, and if I was unfortunate enough to date one, I'd rather get rid of him sooner than waste my time waiting to find out that he was an arsehole.

Show quote history

You don't have to shag someone to find out they're an arsehole.

I can't imagine shagging everyone I'm interested in after 1 or 2 dates.

SpinningFloppa · 17/12/2022 13:31

emptythelitterbox · 17/12/2022 13:28

You don't have to shag someone to find out they're an arsehole.

I can't imagine shagging everyone I'm interested in after 1 or 2 dates.

Show quote history

I was thinking the same; I would rather NOT shag arseholes tbh rather than shag them early to find out if they are one 🤦🏻

LaLuz7 · 17/12/2022 18:20

@Whattodonext1233 how have things been going with him?

wackamole · 17/12/2022 18:33

He wants you to go out to get to his house, then the two of you will go out again for dinner, then you both go back to his to watch a film because "it's too cold to go out"? This guy isn't even bothering with a plausible story, and he seems selfish. It would be a no from me. Or you could counter with something that works for you better and see if he's flexible, I guess.

Original poster
Whattodonext1233 · 19/12/2022 07:52

LaLuz7 · 17/12/2022 18:20

@Whattodonext1233 how have things been going with him?

Things are going well, we went out on a 3rd date yesterday, he came my way this time and took me out for lunch.
We have dates 4 & 5 booked in already for this week and have been speaking daily. So it’s all going well 🤞

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 19/12/2022 08:41

Sounds promising. Good to hear @Whattodonext1233!

XanaduKira · 19/12/2022 09:26

Fab @Whattodonext1233 - enjoy Grin

DivorcedAndDelighted · 22/12/2022 18:46

SpinningFloppa · 17/12/2022 13:31

I was thinking the same; I would rather NOT shag arseholes tbh rather than shag them early to find out if they are one 🤦🏻

Show quote history

I think most of us would feel the same! But what to do in the situation some suggested above, where a man might only want to see you until he gets sex, seems perfectly nice, then dumps you once he's got the notch on his bedpost? If indeed you having sex with him is what makes him dump you, then how will you tell beforehand that he's going to do this?

My point is that if OP wants to go for it, she should. Because in the rare situation where the man really was going to be put off by her having sex with him, she wouldn't know beforehand, right? Life's too short to spend it continually worrying about when is the right time to sleep with a man.

Delighted to read that OP has followed her instincts and had fun and that it's all looking good. How many times in our lives do we get these heady romances where everything clicks? They're worth going for IMO, regardless of whether they end up being The One.

underthemike · 23/12/2022 11:28

I think this thread really shows that YOU decide what your comfortable with because second guessing strangers (men in this case) will be extremely difficult, because they are strangers.

I wouldn't using my body as a vessel to work out if a guy is only interested in sex with me. I only have sex with guys I'm interested in and feel some kind of connection with, even if that's just physical, but that takes time with me. I've never had any bad experiences, it's just the way I'm made.

I personally won't have gone to his for the second time I'd met him, but I'm very happy it worked out for op as she wanted it and she's happy. There's a lid for every pot.

BigHeartyTruffle · 23/12/2022 11:34

I met a man for casual sex who turned out to be the love of my life so have a completely different view to most PPs 😁 I say if he’s the right person, it will work out regardless of when you have sex with him! If he’s the kind of guy to ditch you for having sex on the second date, he’s not the kind of guy you want to be with anyway

Eatentoomanyroses · 23/12/2022 11:57

heartbroken40 · 12/12/2022 07:18

@Whattodonext1233 can you please update us in the next 6 months or so? I hope for you that I'm wrong but I think he will probably only get worse and lazier.

Of course he will but you won’t hear it in this thread. Sex on the second date rarely leads to anything long lasting or meaningful. For every one woman saying it worked for them there will hundreds dumped off

heartbroken40 · 23/12/2022 15:48

@Eatentoomanyroses totally agreed. And a man who values you doesn't treat you like that. It's that easy! Sorry but I'm still convinced that it's a bad relationship

Aquasulis · 23/12/2022 16:00

PickledRat · 09/12/2022 18:40

It’s too cold to go out!? No it isn’t, it’s just a reason to get you over his house. Personally I would give it a miss and ask him if he’s not planning on leaving his house during winter.

This

gannett · 23/12/2022 16:36

Eatentoomanyroses · 23/12/2022 11:57

Of course he will but you won’t hear it in this thread. Sex on the second date rarely leads to anything long lasting or meaningful. For every one woman saying it worked for them there will hundreds dumped off

Show quote history

I love how all the posters absolutely invested in the myth that dating always works in one specific way because all men and all women are the same, are still spouting their certainty while completely ignoring a very content OP.

OP I'm glad it's going well for you and you're getting what you want out of it all - hope this continues!

SpinningFloppa · 23/12/2022 19:59

Eatentoomanyroses · 23/12/2022 11:57

Of course he will but you won’t hear it in this thread. Sex on the second date rarely leads to anything long lasting or meaningful. For every one woman saying it worked for them there will hundreds dumped off

Show quote history

Agree

DivorcedAndDelighted · 04/01/2023 09:03

Of course he will but you won’t hear it in this thread. Sex on the second date rarely leads to anything long lasting or meaningful. For every one woman saying it worked for them there will hundreds dumped off

That's a very specific idea. To have evidence for it you'd need to track people across large numbers of first dates until the relationship ended or met some threshold for being lasting/meaningful, and assess whether those pairings where there was early sex were more or less likely to last than those where there wasn't. You'd need to separate out recall bias as we may all be more likely to take an interest in the outcome of "juicy" cases where a couple went home together from a party, than of the "boring" dates where they just chatted!

It certainly didn't seem to apply to the social circles I moved in in the 90s - young professionals in London - where quite a few of my pals had marriages arising from relationships where they had sex on the first or second date.

This article explores why you might want to wait, or not, and how different approaches suit different people depending on how vulnerable you are etc.

Why Do All My Dating Relationships Fizzle Out After A Couple Of Dates?

tappinginto2023 · 04/01/2023 17:15

DivorcedAndDelighted · 04/01/2023 09:03

Of course he will but you won’t hear it in this thread. Sex on the second date rarely leads to anything long lasting or meaningful. For every one woman saying it worked for them there will hundreds dumped off

That's a very specific idea. To have evidence for it you'd need to track people across large numbers of first dates until the relationship ended or met some threshold for being lasting/meaningful, and assess whether those pairings where there was early sex were more or less likely to last than those where there wasn't. You'd need to separate out recall bias as we may all be more likely to take an interest in the outcome of "juicy" cases where a couple went home together from a party, than of the "boring" dates where they just chatted!

It certainly didn't seem to apply to the social circles I moved in in the 90s - young professionals in London - where quite a few of my pals had marriages arising from relationships where they had sex on the first or second date.

This article explores why you might want to wait, or not, and how different approaches suit different people depending on how vulnerable you are etc.

Why Do All My Dating Relationships Fizzle Out After A Couple Of Dates?

The 90s was a looonnnng time ago Grin

Ohtheyresickagain · 17/01/2023 13:07

How’s it going @Whattodonext1233 ?

Original poster
Whattodonext1233 · 19/01/2023 10:20

@Ohtheyresickagain it’s going amazingly well 😍 we met each other’s children at the weekend, which went really well. We’ve got a weekend away booked soon. We talk all the time and have been seeing each other a couple of times a week.
We we’re actually talking about our second date last night and he said he couldn’t believe I actually came over when he invited me.

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 19/01/2023 11:19

OP, I'm pleased it's good news. And it just shows you what can happen when you feel it's right and just go for it.

Aprilx · 19/01/2023 14:02

Well glad it is going well, but meeting each others children within a month seems a bit soon, or are they adult children?

SpinningFloppa · 19/01/2023 14:21

Glad it’s not just me that was shocked about meeting each others kids. Talk about rushing in! They are children not adults according to ops other thread 😣

heartbroken40 · 19/01/2023 14:26

A few points:

  1. You say HE was shocked that you went to his. This, to me, implies something not entirely positive
  2. Meeting children after a month? Children are the innocent parties here, they would be confused if this ends quickly. Sorry I think this is a mistake

All confirms mumsnet view that this is probably not going to end well (or at least this is my view)

Good luck anyway

WTF475878237NC · 19/01/2023 14:33

You say HE was shocked that you went to his. This, to me, implies something not entirely positive

^ yep. Like he couldn't believe he got away with his plan for sex on the second date/little effort in planning or something....

Meeting the kids already is a big red flag on MN. The kids don't need to share your new man euphoria.

I hope it all works out though.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 19/01/2023 14:33

My innocent dc met my now dh within 2 months. Been together 10 years and married 7. They acquired a fantastic step df... More than makes up for the loser who dumped them.