Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Second date at his?!

174 replies

Whattodonext1233 · 09/12/2022 18:35

I’ve not been dating for long, recently came out of a 12 year relationship, but have met a lovely guy OLD, we went out for lunch last Sunday (I also drove to him but was happy to do that) and have been speaking and video calling ever since. He’s invited me to his house tomorrow night to go out for dinner and then watch a movie because it’s too cold to go out , Im really tempted but don’t want to be ditched straight away after, would going be a bad idea? Any advice would be much appreciated 🙏

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 10/12/2022 14:58

Emmamoo89 · 10/12/2022 14:50

Nothing wrong if sex happens. I slept with my now partner on the first time meeting him and 6 years later still together 😊

Of course there isn't, but OP has already said SHE will feel wrong if she chooses to have sex, but then discover that this was all he is after.

really tempted but don’t want to be ditched straight away after,

She doesn't want to risk a ONS, & you having established a successful relationship on what MIGHT have turned out to be a ONS doesn't alter that!
Congrats on your 6 years though Wine

OldFan · 10/12/2022 14:59

No. Just no.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/12/2022 15:00

Liz1tummypain · 10/12/2022 14:47

That's one way of putting it. I agree it implies she has to go out in the cold.
On the other hand he might be trying to host a nice evening at his place without the OP needing to do any catering . That is what some people in relationships do.

Show quote history

Why would OP be doing any catering anyway, on a second date?

& they're not in a relationship. They've met a grand total of ONCE.

Liz1tummypain · 10/12/2022 15:03

KettrickenSmiled · 10/12/2022 15:00

Why would OP be doing any catering anyway, on a second date?

& they're not in a relationship. They've met a grand total of ONCE.

Show quote history

Maybe he's moving quicker than she is?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 10/12/2022 15:03

No that's code for he expects to sleep with you IMO.

Public places for at least 4 dates to make sure he's not a serial killer.

Emmamoo89 · 10/12/2022 15:06

KettrickenSmiled · 10/12/2022 14:58

Of course there isn't, but OP has already said SHE will feel wrong if she chooses to have sex, but then discover that this was all he is after.

really tempted but don’t want to be ditched straight away after,

She doesn't want to risk a ONS, & you having established a successful relationship on what MIGHT have turned out to be a ONS doesn't alter that!
Congrats on your 6 years though Wine

Show quote history

That's fair enough then! She just needs to tell him and be firm no sex till she's ready.

Thank you

KettrickenSmiled · 10/12/2022 15:09

Liz1tummypain · 10/12/2022 15:03

Maybe he's moving quicker than she is?

Show quote history

He's got no business to. What part of they have only met once are you not seeing here? No date should be pushing their datee for more than is being offered - thankfully it seems he's listened to OP & has adjusted the plan to accommodate her wishes.

I note that it's still her trooping out to HIS location though.

Watch this one OP. He could just be eager as Liz1tummypain suggests, but he sounds like he is pursuing what HE wants & conditioning you to accept an 'at home' date faster than you are inclined to. And what he seems to want is to get you alone, at his house. If you don't want a ONS, don't go there - metaphorically & literally. If he's a good egg, he'll stop pushing & leave it to you to raise the thorny topic of timescales & increasing intimacy.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 10/12/2022 15:15

Ilovelurchers · 09/12/2022 18:49

I think it's fine if you want to - just give some friends his name and address and make sure he knows you have done this.

You are no more obliged to sleep with him that if you meet him somewhere else first - and if you both want sex this also fine, this not being the 1930s. He is no more likely to ghost you after this date if you do sleep with him than if you don't, as again it is not the 1930s. Unless you find out you aren't sexually compatible - then you equally might ghost him!

Just do what you feel comfortable with and enjoy.

Exactly this. Go if you fancy it. Have sex if you fancy it. And when people don't get back in touch after a shag, that's surely going to be because the couple didn't click sexually. A man would have to be a total idiot to dump someone after they'd had good chemistry together. As if anyone would say "We got on really well and had great sex, but nope, I'm not seeing her again" Really?!!

Liz1tummypain · 10/12/2022 15:16

KettrickenSmiled · 10/12/2022 15:09

He's got no business to. What part of they have only met once are you not seeing here? No date should be pushing their datee for more than is being offered - thankfully it seems he's listened to OP & has adjusted the plan to accommodate her wishes.

I note that it's still her trooping out to HIS location though.

Watch this one OP. He could just be eager as Liz1tummypain suggests, but he sounds like he is pursuing what HE wants & conditioning you to accept an 'at home' date faster than you are inclined to. And what he seems to want is to get you alone, at his house. If you don't want a ONS, don't go there - metaphorically & literally. If he's a good egg, he'll stop pushing & leave it to you to raise the thorny topic of timescales & increasing intimacy.

Show quote history

He made a suggestion which she can accept or not. He is entitled to suggest what he wants and she is entitled to accept or decline. That's about it. This is how people make arrangements. There are no laws about when you can suggest doing what. Adults have to adult.

Feel free to keep quoting this. We have both said our views and neither of us will change our views. End of.

Buttons294749 · 10/12/2022 15:17

this is so low effort on his part. A big turn off

Eelicks · 10/12/2022 15:21

LaLuz7 · 10/12/2022 13:35

And how can you tell whether your man will be the decent one who makes a move but graciously accepts your refusal or the asshole rapey one who will push and push and nor take no for an answer?

Show quote history

Have to agree with this. Please do consider that you don't actually know anything about this guy or what might happen alone in his house.

Fififafa · 10/12/2022 15:34

gannett · 10/12/2022 13:33

I went to DP's house for a second date and it turned out that he could indeed wine and dine me there because he's a terrific cook. And yes, I shagged him (again) because I wanted to. Both the food and sex made me want a lot more.

Show quote history

Not sure why you are making a big thing about shagging your DP. That’s up to you. I never said you shouldn’t 🙄. Believe it it or not, I also have had sex on a first and second date. I was saying that it doesn’t take a lot of effort to have the date at his. Especially as in this situation the OP is doing all the running and isn’t sure about him/having sex. Just screams of a laziness to me.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/12/2022 15:51

He made a suggestion which she can accept or not. He is entitled to suggest what he wants and she is entitled to accept or decline. That's about it. This is how people make arrangements. There are no laws about when you can suggest doing what. Adults have to adult.

I'd agree with you @Liz1tummypain - but not with a man OP has only met once.
Adult to adult sounds so mutual & responsible, & clearly this is the ideal we all seek. But when it concerns 2 adults who barely know each other, one of whom is physically much stronger than the other, (& is clearly keen to get to the sexual stage asap) there is a false equivalence in the assumption that both adults are on the same page, & that one won't force the issue with another.

Suppose she accepted his offer to go to his place, then found that his opinion was that she was NOT entitled to accept or decline? Sure, there are great stories of ONS that were fun, or fine, or even led to fulfilling relationships - but there are also stories of ONS that went badly wrong for the woman. I'm not against ONS per se, it's the risk element that cools my jets.

OldFan · 10/12/2022 15:57

If OP were to shag him at any point in the near future (which I don't recommend of course) it does make more sense for her to go to his, so (unless he already does) he doesn't know where she lives. This somewhat protects her from any potential stalkery wrong'uns.

2pinkginsplease · 10/12/2022 16:07

no chance. This is where some people need to raise the bar and not just settle, from what you have said he isn’t making much effort.

Greenfairydust · 10/12/2022 19:53

''@gannett ·
Some really odd assumptions in a lot of the comments here."He wants a shag" - I don't understand why this is always said as if it's a negative. I assume anyone actively dating wants a shag. I certainly did when I was dating. Are you really looking for men who aren't interested in sex? Whether or not they want or expect a shag has no bearing on whether you have to actually shag them. It's possible to go to a man's house and watch a film and then leave, if you want. A decent man might make a move, but won't pressure you. Wanting a shag isn't a bad thing, feeling entitled to one is a huge red flag.''

Of course most people who date want a sexual relationship.

That does not mean that it is OK for a man to be that lazy and cheap and just expect a woman to turn up to his house after one date and very little effort and whine about the weather being too cold...

Most of us have higher expectations than that.

Wobblywibbley · 10/12/2022 21:01

stop heading his way. He’s making zero effort. Show your worth !

Lulu2171 · 10/12/2022 21:16

Don't do it. Find a cosy pub.

SpentDandelion · 10/12/2022 21:18

Not much of a date by the sounds of it, he is setting the tone for what you have to look forward to, as in no effort.

MyHobbyIsDogging · 10/12/2022 22:39

And when people don't get back in touch after a shag, that's surely going to be because the couple didn't click sexually

I don't believe you can click sexually with someone you've only met once. Part of sexual desire is getting to know someone and realising that you want to shag them. My partner and I are hardly the shags of the century based on sheer prowess/stamina/dick length/whatever else, but we certainly enjoy shagging one another.

OldFan · 11/12/2022 01:08

And when people don't get back in touch after a shag, that's surely going to be because the couple didn't click sexually

I think there are men who aren't interested in a woman if they've had her, and even more men who're not interested if it was accomplished very easily/quickly.

conversationsinthedark · 11/12/2022 13:47

My current boyfriend of two years came to my house for a day / sleepover on our second date - what does that say about me after reading this thread 🤣🤣

XanaduKira · 11/12/2022 14:14

How did it go @Whattodonext1233 ?

KettrickenSmiled · 11/12/2022 14:22

conversationsinthedark · 11/12/2022 13:47

My current boyfriend of two years came to my house for a day / sleepover on our second date - what does that say about me after reading this thread 🤣🤣

It says you have a b/f of 2 years.

Nobody's being judged for having sex here.
PP are simply concerned about the safety aspect.

Maybe when you met your b/f you had mutual friends in common, so were able to feel safe inviting him over?
Maybe you didn't, in which case - hurrah that he wasn't a sexual predator, but a decent guy who you are now in a committed relationship with.

DatingDinosaur · 11/12/2022 14:25

"And when people don't get back in touch after a shag, that's surely going to be because the couple didn't click sexually"

That's a refreshingly naive way to look at it.

I'm more inclined to think when someone doesn't get in touch after a shag it's because they got what they wanted, scratched that itch, and have moved on to their next chase/project/conquest.

Which is great and fair enough if both people just had an itch to scratch. It's not so great if one person was hoping or assuming that sex so soon is an indicator of an actual romantic interest which would lead to a relationship.