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Original poster

Second date at his?!

174 replies

Whattodonext1233 · 09/12/2022 18:35

I’ve not been dating for long, recently came out of a 12 year relationship, but have met a lovely guy OLD, we went out for lunch last Sunday (I also drove to him but was happy to do that) and have been speaking and video calling ever since. He’s invited me to his house tomorrow night to go out for dinner and then watch a movie because it’s too cold to go out , Im really tempted but don’t want to be ditched straight away after, would going be a bad idea? Any advice would be much appreciated 🙏

OP posts:
napody · 10/12/2022 11:05

Has anyone else got 'Baby, it's cold outside' stuck in their heads now?

Half expecting a thread about someone saving their heart for someone special, after what happened last year.

Berlinlover · 10/12/2022 11:11

Am I the only one that has gone on a date to a guy’s house and not slept with him? And yes, he did call me again.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 10/12/2022 12:55

Bloody cheeky of him to ask. Who wants a man who spends his life on the sofa and expects you to join him - hardly wining and dining you is he?

Fififafa · 10/12/2022 13:05

Berlinlover · 10/12/2022 11:11

Am I the only one that has gone on a date to a guy’s house and not slept with him? And yes, he did call me again.

Yes I have, when I was a teenager! It’s more the lack of effort on this man’s part. We all have different expectations, some of us actually like being wined and dined. Seems like OP is doing all the running here

heartbroken40 · 10/12/2022 13:16

A man who wants to impress you won't invite you to his house for a second date. There are very few exceptions to this.

They suggest fancy restaurants/things to do and literally don't let you lift a finger. I have dated enough to recognise the interested and active ones very quickly.

Read a few dating bibles, they don't need to be gospel but they will open your eyes - and yes, interested men really go overboard to see you - they move important meetings and meetings and you will have no doubts.

Cancel the date with this loser and go back online

gannett · 10/12/2022 13:31

Some really odd assumptions in a lot of the comments here.

"He wants a shag" - I don't understand why this is always said as if it's a negative. I assume anyone actively dating wants a shag. I certainly did when I was dating. Are you really looking for men who aren't interested in sex?

Whether or not they want or expect a shag has no bearing on whether you have to actually shag them. It's possible to go to a man's house and watch a film and then leave, if you want. A decent man might make a move, but won't pressure you. Wanting a shag isn't a bad thing, feeling entitled to one is a huge red flag.

gannett · 10/12/2022 13:33

Fififafa · 10/12/2022 13:05

Yes I have, when I was a teenager! It’s more the lack of effort on this man’s part. We all have different expectations, some of us actually like being wined and dined. Seems like OP is doing all the running here

Show quote history

I went to DP's house for a second date and it turned out that he could indeed wine and dine me there because he's a terrific cook. And yes, I shagged him (again) because I wanted to. Both the food and sex made me want a lot more.

LaLuz7 · 10/12/2022 13:35

gannett · 10/12/2022 13:31

Some really odd assumptions in a lot of the comments here.

"He wants a shag" - I don't understand why this is always said as if it's a negative. I assume anyone actively dating wants a shag. I certainly did when I was dating. Are you really looking for men who aren't interested in sex?

Whether or not they want or expect a shag has no bearing on whether you have to actually shag them. It's possible to go to a man's house and watch a film and then leave, if you want. A decent man might make a move, but won't pressure you. Wanting a shag isn't a bad thing, feeling entitled to one is a huge red flag.

And how can you tell whether your man will be the decent one who makes a move but graciously accepts your refusal or the asshole rapey one who will push and push and nor take no for an answer?

gannett · 10/12/2022 13:38

LaLuz7 · 10/12/2022 13:35

And how can you tell whether your man will be the decent one who makes a move but graciously accepts your refusal or the asshole rapey one who will push and push and nor take no for an answer?

Show quote history

The safety aspect is definitely a legitimate concern about going back to a man's house.

Eatentoomanyroses · 10/12/2022 13:48

@gannett you get the odd exception but generally if you’re looking for long term going back to a guys home that you’ve only met once won’t result in any more than a one night thing, or being a ongoing booty call which usually is quite damaging to women’s self esteem. Most women want a bit more romance than this and most men won’t view women who are willing to do this as marriage material.

SpinningFloppa · 10/12/2022 13:50

gannett · 10/12/2022 13:33

I went to DP's house for a second date and it turned out that he could indeed wine and dine me there because he's a terrific cook. And yes, I shagged him (again) because I wanted to. Both the food and sex made me want a lot more.

Show quote history

That’s assuming you want to shag on the second date, not everyone does and this guy sounds lazy/ no effort which would put me off.

gannett · 10/12/2022 14:03

Eatentoomanyroses · 10/12/2022 13:48

@gannett you get the odd exception but generally if you’re looking for long term going back to a guys home that you’ve only met once won’t result in any more than a one night thing, or being a ongoing booty call which usually is quite damaging to women’s self esteem. Most women want a bit more romance than this and most men won’t view women who are willing to do this as marriage material.

I think my biggest beef with "dating rules" and such was always that they were based on assumptions about what "most men" and "most women" are like. So many generalisations about stereotypical behaviour that honestly isn't really borne out in my social circle. I was always hyper-aware that I didn't really want what women were supposed to want from dates/life, and I definitely knew I didn't want a man who behaved like dating rules stereotypes - so I never paid them much mind.

lamaze1 · 10/12/2022 14:09

I agree, say no. If it's an issue then you know he was just looking for sex.

Greenfairydust · 10/12/2022 14:36

Nope. Completely unacceptable.

To me it screams cheap, lazy man who expects to get laid with minimal effort.

I would stop seeing him because of this.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/12/2022 14:38

He can't even be arsed to leave the house to try and get laid? He expects you to deliver it to him?

Fuck off.

Clymene · 10/12/2022 14:42

So when's he going to start making some effort?

KettrickenSmiled · 10/12/2022 14:43

Liz1tummypain · 09/12/2022 18:53

Maybe he thinks you'd both feel sort of relaxed and no need to extra fuss if you stay in. You can say no to anything physical if you don't want it yet. I think he should respect your wishes. I'm not in this position but I can't really tell the problem here.

The problem is that he is lying. Or has appalling double standards, or both.

How can it be too cold for HIM to go out, but not too cold for OP to leave her house to get to his?

BrightSaturn · 10/12/2022 14:43

You’d still be going out though 😅

emptythelitterbox · 10/12/2022 14:44

heartbroken40 · 10/12/2022 13:16

A man who wants to impress you won't invite you to his house for a second date. There are very few exceptions to this.

They suggest fancy restaurants/things to do and literally don't let you lift a finger. I have dated enough to recognise the interested and active ones very quickly.

Read a few dating bibles, they don't need to be gospel but they will open your eyes - and yes, interested men really go overboard to see you - they move important meetings and meetings and you will have no doubts.

Cancel the date with this loser and go back online

This.
2nd date at his is lazy

Interested men do go all out and they also appreciate the woman being a challenge.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/12/2022 14:45

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2022 19:01

I would also be concerned that he isn't putting any effort into seeing you. It's not a good sign.

Exactly, Aqua.

That's why I I don't understand the PP's reasoning here -
Maybe he thinks you'd both feel sort of relaxed and no need to extra fuss if you stay in.
They've only met once! If he can't show effort now, when will he?

Liz1tummypain · 10/12/2022 14:47

KettrickenSmiled · 10/12/2022 14:43

The problem is that he is lying. Or has appalling double standards, or both.

How can it be too cold for HIM to go out, but not too cold for OP to leave her house to get to his?

Show quote history

That's one way of putting it. I agree it implies she has to go out in the cold.
On the other hand he might be trying to host a nice evening at his place without the OP needing to do any catering . That is what some people in relationships do.

Emmamoo89 · 10/12/2022 14:50

Nothing wrong if sex happens. I slept with my now partner on the first time meeting him and 6 years later still together 😊

YouAreNotBatman · 10/12/2022 14:50

Are you really looking for men who aren't interested in sex?

Some of us actually are, yes.

Untitledsquatboulder · 10/12/2022 14:52

Who paid for this dare? Who's paying for the next one? Why is it only up to him to have ideas?

Bunda · 10/12/2022 14:55

Doesn't feel safe to me