Second date at his?!

[Whattodonext1233]

I’ve not been dating for long, recently came out of a 12 year relationship, but have met a lovely guy OLD, we went out for lunch last Sunday (I also drove to him but was happy to do that) and have been speaking and video calling ever since. He’s invited me to his house tomorrow night to go out for dinner and then watch a movie because it’s too cold to go out , Im really tempted but don’t want to be ditched straight away after, would going be a bad idea? Any advice would be much appreciated 🙏

I don't believe you can click sexually with someone you've only met once

Wow, really even though this hasn't happened to you you don't believe others have experienced it?

Most of the best sexual experiences I've had have been wild nights with someone I've just met!

Some of us find newness a huge turn on. It's not a crime.

I think there are 2 sides to this. I note you are now going out and said you are not staying; that's fine. But let's not consider early on sex is always evil.

My own sister laid her now husband within about 9o minutes of meeting at a mutual friends wedding. They have been happily married for years. An early bedroom encounter is not always bad news.

Of course it’s not always bad news but let’s not pretend that happens often, more often than not it becomes a sex thing or they disappear, that’s far far more common, fair enough if you are ok with that possibility then go for it if not best to wait a bit.

It went really well thanks, against all the advice I did go over to his.
We had a lovely evening, had drinks at his, got an Uber and went to dinner, didn’t get to watch a movie but I did get breakfast in bed this morning 🙂 and he’s been in contact with me for most of the day since I left.

Excellent, pleased to hear it Op

@Whattodonext1233 good for you! Sounds like you're getting on well.

All the best :)

Glad you had a great time :-) do things your way and what you want to do x

Lovely OP. Often those who wait, wait too long. 😉

I wouldn't even consider it. Not only because it screams Netflix n chill/from chair to bed vibes, he is also a stranger. Just, No. Leave these types alone.

Often those who wait, wait too long.

@StarlightLady in what way?

I wouldn't date someone so lazy and entitled. And this is his best foot forward? Ugh.

Imagine the low level of effort after six months or six years...

@Whattodonext1233 can you please update us in the next 6 months or so? I hope for you that I'm wrong but I think he will probably only get worse and lazier.

Keep telling yourself that :)

Such a unnecessary comment...

Wow! This thread is an absolute education... I'm a guy whose wife died 2 years ago and haven't attempted to date since. I'm just starting to think about the possibility that I might poke a toe in the water at some point in 2023. So glad I read this first because I would definitely not have realised what a no-no inviting someone round to mine for dinner would be. How about if I asked someone round for coffee during the day, maybe after a walk?

So much sub-text going on that I don't understand. Because of my own situation and the fact that I'm old, I won't be expecting (or wanting) a shag for a while. But I feel that having someone visit my home or me visit theirs, gives a pretty good indication of personality and so is quite an 'open' thing to do. Should I reconsider?

In the nicest possible way, @Emptyandsad, think about this from a woman’s pov. What is ‘open’ about not grasping that a woman would be putting herself at risk by going to a non-public place with a male stranger, or letting one know where she lives? That to me would suggest someone fairly thoughtless.

And that’s not subtext. That’s pretty plain text.

@Emptyandsad you sound completely tone deaf and too immersed in your own life to be empathic. You don't invite women to your house early on, this is true today and it was true 30 years ago so unfortunately the being old excuse won't work.

Also, don't you want to treat the lady, make her feel safe and think of her comfort first? Do let us know how your dating goes, I don't want to be pessimistic but with that attitude I think you'll struggle. Good luck anyway

Dear. God.

Just when I think I've read it all!

It really, really hasn't ever occurred to you that women are raped /beaten / murdered by men in a way which men are not by women?

That women have to be careful about their safety because of this?

That meeting a man, if you are a woman, has to always, unfortunately, include trying to ascertain how safe you will be alone with them?

FFS

Emptyandsad

im sorry your wife passed away

there are some strongly worded responses back !

what we forget is that women can and do vet men for safety

honestly the person that hurt me the most was a long term relationship of 20 years

and maybe unwisely when I was young I’d go to a man’s house at the drop of a hat

anyway if I met a chap and he seemed decent (and wasn’t sending sleazy dick pics!) and I trusted him I would go back for a coffee

and it’s prudent to go slowly and be aware that the women will be more risk averse

So much sub-text going on that I don't understand.

What subtext?
It's as plain as a pikestaff, how could you possibly be confused by women's fear of what men are capable of?

Over 90% of women & girls experience sexual harassment or assault.
That makes us wary.
YOU may be a thoroughly decent chap. But WE don't know that.
That makes us wary.
The vast majority of rapes are perpetrated by men we already know, not total strangers
That makes us wary.

You know the Schrodinger's Cat thought experiment, right?
geekfeminism.fandom.com/wiki/Schr%C3%B6dinger%27s_Rapist
That's not to level accusations at individual men btw, so please don't feel 'got at'.
If you genuinely want to understand -
researchtobedone.wordpress.com/2012/10/18/for-those-who-dont-understand-schrodingers-rapist/

It's also not just the fear that possibly someone we don't know well could be a rapist. It's that he might be sexually entitled, or coercive, or a low-grade sex pest, or a sulker, or a sleazey commentor, or only interested in the content of our pants instead of our marvellous personalities
And that makes us wary, because it's downright unpleasant, fending off a man who won't hear our first "no".

It's exhausting, navigating this. And it's at the back of our minds, ALL OF THE TIME.

I am sorry about your bereavement.
You must have had a really hard 2 years.

So when you feel ready to start dating again - bear all the above in your own mind. Also this -
We feel safer around men who let US set the pace. Who are genuinely interested in women, not just women's bodies. In women as a set of people, not just one individual you happen to fancy. Who read women's literature, watch women-led & directed films, are aware of women's political issues, women in history, women in science, sport, or industry.

But I feel that having someone visit my home or me visit theirs, gives a pretty good indication of personality and so is quite an 'open' thing to do. Should I reconsider?
Nothing shouts "I expect a shag, & that might be the only thing I'm after" than an early invitation to visit a date's home.
Of course you can ask, after a few dates, but the onus is on you to prove you are trustworthy, not on her to instantly trust you.
Some women are bolder than this, but for many of us ... once bitten, twice shy.

Daily, there are news stories about women being murdered, missing, assaulted
and we're to believe that men are so blissfully unaware of this or they don't watch or read the news to know this happens?
Smdh

But plenty of people do click sexually straight away, in the sense of enjoying it and realising this relationship shows promise. I've done it and known many others who have. That doesn't mean things can't get better, but it means they're off to a good start. What matters is compatibility.
What's more to the point is, you can certainly know that you don't click sexually with someone straight away, and decide not to pursue the relationship.

I agree that such men exist, and if I was unfortunate enough to date one, I'd rather get rid of him sooner than waste my time waiting to find out that he was an arsehole.

I'm old enough and experienced enough to believe that people who have a different opinion from me aren't necessarily naive. If a man is just after a shag then dump, does it matter how much time you've invested in him before he reveals himself to be such a catch?