how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

[yellowsplashes]

I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

Sorry OP but your thread made me smile 😊 you should have told the parents that their daughter should be calling you so you can coach her, In exchange of their generosity over the years you will not charge her but it would be a strictly half hour conversation where you would be teaching her how to be successful without the help of parents.

I get @MillyMollyManky 's point about age vs training here but I really really think at 19 you are in a transitional phase, whatever your academic and professional training, and need to be insightful and aware enough to consider your practice in that way, and be boundaried by policies that protect those limitations.

Many in the public sector and services are fully qualified, registered professionals in their early to mid twenties and deserve to be respected as the qualified professionals that they are - but the vast majority of them, even at that age (far ahead of the 19 yr old being discussed) will be subject to ongoing mentoring and competency programmes (teachers with ECT, nurses with mentorship etc) because we recognise and value that those who work with people with specific needs in education, health, training, social care etc lack the life and professional experience to go it alone from the off.

This suggestion is insulting and inappropriate.

Love this 🤣🤣🤣

It’s actually quite sad that the 19 yr old has been encouraged into wellness coaching. In my town many 19 yr olds have gone the other direction, into providing tuition for the 11+ exam and gcses, and those tutors are now making a fortune and providing really good coaching, having so recently aced those exams themselves. Much more appropriate than trying to advise people decades older.

‘Thanks for the offer but frankly I really don’t want a 19 year giving me life advice (tinkly laugh). That phase of my life is long gone and thanks to the help of you lovely people and professionals I’m in a good place and have been for many years. Another cup of tea?’

Oh my god.

when mum was in hospital, I saw a couple of NHS staff with "Wellness coach" badges. I just assumed it was an internal thing to help colleagues. I've worked for a couple of large organisations who do that for appearances.

now I've googled and it's an actual NHS job. OMFG.

Well done for how far you’ve come, you’ve done amazing.

I would be kindly straight with them - after fuming for days, probably. A bloody 19 year old!! And they’ve already kindly shared all your personal information with her. Wow.

Thank you so much for all these replies. You have put into words what I haven't been able to. I feel completely paralysed about it. They are following up daily.

I have just been on her website. There is nothing remotely practical about it (no yoga/sport side) just more discovering your true self and your true north. FFS.

I feel sorry for her (19 year old) as I suspect she is completely ignorant of her parents' approach and has genuinely been convinced that she can help me because of my supposed unfortunate situation.

Do you think I should call her and be supportive but not have her take me as a "client" or just cut them all off?

I would absolutely have done that.

I have talked to a life coach. They have absolutely little to no training. There is no vetting. It takes almost no effort. I think the experience also made me weary of them because they were promoted to me as if they were just as good or better than a license therapist or social worker. That turned out to be very untrue and they were completely unprepared to deal with my complex family and mental health situation and wasted my time. It was really very upsetting to me because they made me feel as if I was tricked into opening up to them about something very scaring and something I had never shared with anyone and then they very quickly told me to go elsewhere but still kept my money. I had severe trust issues after that and it led to me self harming and being hospitalized. She sounds like she will also waste your time too.

I would also find it really offensive to have someone who is barely out of high school “coaching” me on very adult problems.

Though I don’t think it’s fair to say she has no problems. I understand your perspective. Whatever problems she may carry are probably not anywhere similar to yours.

Cut them all off.

You don't want to damage your hard-won gains/good mental health.

Allergic reaction?
Understatement, non?

First up, huge admiration for you, what you have done for yourself & your family.
You’ve squared up to significant early adversity, taken some knocks & yet made your own way through. Bloody brilliant.

So this well meaning pair.
Hmmm, they are far more worried about their DD than you.
They sound lost, after all who would think that a 19yo could mentor & guide someone at your stage in life & evident resilience.

An earlier suggestion that you sweetly point out the conflict of interest given earlier friendships would be a diplomatic side step.

Of course, mention that it would be ‘wholly inappropriate for either of you to mention to her any sensitive information about me, wouldn’t it?’

‘Listen Barbie & Ken, I know that you mean well & I have always valued your support & guidance through the hard times. You both have made a difference in my life, & from that I have come such a long way. I am doing well & have professional support in place if I need it. Your DD will not on that list’.

Also, it is so tone deaf about DV, but I just cannot go there.

Ok, first you are not being unreasonable. Second, they had no business telling her about private details about your life without your permission or knowledge and they should not have pushed her onto you either or pressured you to phone her.

However, it sounds like they have been supportive to you in the past and helped you. It sounds like they are the kind of people who maybe don't think everything through in good enough detail but are well-meaning. They are maybe now trying to help their daughter in the same way they helped you in the past with contacts and introductions. The trouble here is that this is not just a contact/introduction but it involves sensitive/personal issues that are private to you and they should have been far more careful in separating and being careful about those things.

You seem to have taken it badly in terms of how they see you, assuming they haven't acknowledged that you've done well, are in a better place etc. However, it may not that at all. They may just be a bit blinkered and seeing it more in terms of seeing you as someone who can help their daughter get started in her new venture, as they sound like the kind of people who try and help people get things going/make contacts etc.

In terms of tackling this, it's hard. You don't want to be too harsh I don't think. THese are people who have looked out for you in the past and been supportive and they sound like they really care about you. They could be terribly hurt if you go in all guns blazing when they probably feel they are being well-meaning, even if it is very inappropriate (and I think it probably is).

Perhaps you could carefully outline that you are happy to help their daughter etc maybe in terms of your expertise in your current job, maybe in terms of giving her mentoring even (?) and you really wish her well in her new venture. However, you find it awkward that she's been told private things about you without your knowledge. If you wanted to see a wellness coach you would make that decision yourself and that the relationship between you all means that personal and professional relationships are too entangled which would be inappropriate when it came to engaging a coach.

The idea of parents trying to find grown ups who can be coached by their 19 yo is ridiculous. She most probably has an Instagram account full of copy + paste “meaningful” quotes and a few pictures of her doing yoga, maybe a few smothies recipes too? 🤣😂🤣

Tbh at 19 my own Dd was living at home but was managing, very successfully, large events, had bought her first place for cash and ran her own business as well as a lot of other work she did.

Last year she missed out on taking over a business because one board member questioned her age and vetoed her bid based on that alone. She was 21.

I agree that this 19 year old sounds naive but that is more to do with them trying to get her work instead of her touting for clients herself and her more than likely not having another job to prop her up whilst her therapy business takes off

Not all 19 year olds are without experience (I had lived away from home, bought a hpuse, sold it, met and married Dh, moved hundreds of miles to a new area, bought a place with Dh and was on my 5th job and 1st nervous breakdown by the time I turned 20)

Ask for her BACP registration number (don't know if they even have them but still ...).

They are following up daily

This is not on and they are bullying you now. I'd go nuclear with a mash-up of some suggested responses on here but say you don't want to hear about this any more and if they persist you will have no option but to block them.

YANBU - there is already a violation in confidentiality.

I would call her and say something along the lines of "your parents have spoken to me about engaging you as my welfare coach. I'm just letting you know, to avoid any misunderstanding on their part, that I'm in a position now where I don't feel I need to seek out your services. I feel it would be a waste of both of our time as I don't think either of us would benefit greatly from it. I do wish you luck going forward and if I can be of any help in the future do let me know."

I find the whole idea of a 19 year old life coach to be ridiculous.
I wouldn’t employ a tennis coach who’d never played tennis…

Honestly I would tell the truth. "Right now I'm doing quite well for myself, and don't need any help. But I will suggest her to others, if I'm asked for recommendations." You can't use her if you're already set up, as she's going to be very puzzled. What next? You use their reccomended gardener/cleaner/sil accountant etc? Just say no thanks.

I’m a trainee psychotherapist. I realise this “wellness coach” is a bit different but as mentioned it has some therapy aspect.

In the therapy world duel relationships are not considered to be good practice. So a therapist should have no other kind of relationship with their client. In your case (no matter if you personally know the daughter or not) you do have a dual relationship with her as she is the daughter of your friends. Therefore ethically she should not be entering into any kind of therapeutic relationship with you.

There are obviously 100 other reasons this is inappropriate and a terrible idea of your friends but I just wanted to highlight this one.

So you crammed a lot of big decisions into a small small timeline. But that doesn’t make you experienced. Keeping those going for 10-20 years is a different story. My sister was also a divorced mother with a lost house at 20. Just because you can do it doesn’t mean you did it well or that you can maintain it. Do you see the difference?

@yellowsplashes I would definitely cut them off, and would tell them why.

I honestly think that discussing your past with their teenaged daughter (or with anyone, frankly) is beyond the pale, and they should be told that. I honestly would not be able to forgive it, or have any kind of relationship with them going forward. It sounds very likely that they have been discussing you with people for decades. I would never feel comfortable around them again.

Well done for getting to where you are now.

I would say thanks for thinking of me, but I'm okay at the moment. If I need a wellness coach in the future I will definitely think of - girl's name.