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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Chatting with a chap and he said-

163 replies

Shallysally · 05/12/2022 00:20

So I’ve been chatting with a chap, very casual, I’m not long out of a long term relationship and definitely not in the right head space for anything other than extremely casual.

Anyway, we had been chatting yesterday about Christmas movies and music. I made a joke that I bet he loves Cliff Richard’s tunes. Just nice banter.

Tonight I saw a post on fb about Cliff bringing a new Christmas album out. So I screenshotted and sent it to the chap.
His response was “you’ll be getting a slap 😉😉”

I said, a what now? He proceeded to make a joke of it, several messages later he admitted he had been a dick, apologised, said he knows better.

I’m seriously put off by this remark.
Am I over reacting? I know that some people do say this, but surely to
people they know well enough to know that they are joking?

OP posts:
ezbez · 05/12/2022 00:27

Alarm bells. What a very odd thing to say. I couldn't move past it, it's too concerning.

LBFseBrom · 05/12/2022 00:32

I doubt he meant it literally!

CallieQ · 05/12/2022 00:32

Was a joke!

Noodledoodles1 · 05/12/2022 00:33

You're over reacting 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Shallysally · 05/12/2022 00:33

I feel like it was a joke, just wanted opinions!

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 05/12/2022 00:33

I think the two winky faces clearly indicate that it was a joke even if you didn't get that from the context.

But if you don't like it move on.

cushioncovers · 05/12/2022 00:41

Wouldn't bother me. The emoji shows he was joking. But if it bothers you then move on.

LaughingCat · 05/12/2022 00:46

Ha! To me, that would have been jokey banter, worthy of a ‘well, if the geriatric’s slipper fits…? 🤣’. Or a ‘pipe down, Mr Miyagi, you’ll put your back out if you tried 😂😂😂’. Or even, given my tastes, an ‘ooooh, don’t be tempting me 😉’.

He just misread you - he probs won’t say anything again like that no he knows it doesn’t land well. I don’t see it as a red flag though…domestic abusers rarely make light of their violence from what I can tell.

Original poster
Shallysally · 05/12/2022 00:48

@NuffSaidSam & @cushioncovers thank you. I think my perspective is off, I’ll maybe see how things go.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2022 00:49

I'd assume the wink wink would be more along the lines of a jokey, flirty thing rather than a threat of actually hitting you. But you can dump someone for any reason you want.

Original poster
Shallysally · 05/12/2022 00:49

@LaughingCat you see, rational me knows this! 😂

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 05/12/2022 00:56

I’d have read that as just a joke, nothing more at all. I’ve generally got an exceedingly low tolerance for invasive or suspicious “banter”. It feels equivalent to “oi you cheeky sod!” Not sure why- I guess I’ve heard it used in so many unthreatening friendly situations, where nobody was in any way seriously considering slapping anyone else.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 05/12/2022 02:39

Way over reacting. It's harmless banter. To me it would ring alarm bells if the other person had no sense of humour, was very uptight and quick to find offence in things that are harmless banter and has been forever.

onlythreenow · 05/12/2022 03:09

It was a joke - I agree with pp that the alarm bells would be ringing for me if someone had no sense of humour and found offence in something so petty.

DuncanBiscuits · 05/12/2022 03:17

I wouldn’t like it, I’ll be honest.

I’m not saying it means he’s an abuser, or anything like that, but it would land badly with me.

Sometimes jokes do. So I say so, and DH would never ever repeat them, because I’ve told him my boundary - and vice versa.

I’d accept his apology, and wait and see if he makes any similar jokes now he knows you didn’t like it.

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 03:51

It’s a joke but a very very poor one, and grim that his sense of humour goes straight to slapping you and not eight million other responses. Throw this one back.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 05/12/2022 04:01

But what is the joke? I don't get it.

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 04:05

The joke is he’s going to slap her: haha. I’m finding the “overreaction” posts odd. There are so many men! They’re an abundant, infinite resource! Sack this one off.

musingsinmidlife · 05/12/2022 04:12

He was joking but it is clear your senses of humour don’t match up. I would end it here because mismatched humour like this will end badly for both of you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2022 04:32

Have we not grown out of jokes about slapping women? I didn't find them funny in the 80s and at least they weren't 40 years old then.

Not my cup f tea. But he can be yours if you want.

GreySweater · 05/12/2022 05:02

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 03:51

It’s a joke but a very very poor one, and grim that his sense of humour goes straight to slapping you and not eight million other responses. Throw this one back.

Sums it up perfectly. This kind of joke is poor.

Twiglets1 · 05/12/2022 05:04

Shallysally · 05/12/2022 00:20

So I’ve been chatting with a chap, very casual, I’m not long out of a long term relationship and definitely not in the right head space for anything other than extremely casual.

Anyway, we had been chatting yesterday about Christmas movies and music. I made a joke that I bet he loves Cliff Richard’s tunes. Just nice banter.

Tonight I saw a post on fb about Cliff bringing a new Christmas album out. So I screenshotted and sent it to the chap.
His response was “you’ll be getting a slap 😉😉”

I said, a what now? He proceeded to make a joke of it, several messages later he admitted he had been a dick, apologised, said he knows better.

I’m seriously put off by this remark.
Am I over reacting? I know that some people do say this, but surely to
people they know well enough to know that they are joking?

It was a joke.

Canuck48 · 05/12/2022 05:12

Funny haha to joke about slapping someone? I get it, it was meant to be a joke but truly, what is funny about slapping someone?

I know there were emojis, and he wasn’t serious but why are there so many women here saying it’s ok, he was just joking about slapping you?

Is this a British joke and I am just not getting it?

IMO joking about being assaulted isn’t funny🤷🏼‍♀️

winteriscoming2022 · 05/12/2022 05:22

We all know he didn't actually mean he was going to slap OP right at that time.
However it was an act that came into his mind
If any of my male or female friends sent something similar to me (or to my son, daughter,father or brothers/ sisters) none of us would think of responding in this way, a slap is not something that would enter our heads
What even is a 'joke' anyway? Isn't it supposed to be something said that causes amusement? I wonder what sort of woman would be amused?
Yuk

girlmom21 · 05/12/2022 05:24

Yes it was a joke. No he's not going to smack her. No he's not automatically a domestic abuser showing his flags early. MN is weird.

I tell DP I'll 'end him' all the time. He's taller, bigger and stronger than me. It's a joke.